Ask Me Help Desk - Is it too late?

The short story is I met my ex, Chris, at the beginning of college and we dated causually for 5 months before I broke up with him. Even though we weren't together we continued to see each other and started to get along even better than before. Chris asked me back on the following summer and we dated for roughly 3 months before he broke up with me. It was a very hard time for me because I was truly in love with him. I tried to move on, but it was hard. A few months later during late December I met someone else, Jason. I never thought that I could feel that way about someone else, but I was head over heels for Jason. The very next day Chris came back to say that he wanted me back. Turns out that Jason and Chris had just signed a lease to be roommates the following year. I got really upset and felt like he was only coming back because I had someone new in my life. Chris insisted that was the case, but I was still unsure.

Over the next 8 months I continued to see both of them, which became increasingly more difficult once they became roommates. I finally made a choice - I picked Jason. It is now a year and a half later and I still think about Chris. We talked a little bit this past year and he made a comment about how he wondered what would have happened with us and that he had been thinking about me. I have never felt for Jason the way I feel for Chris and now that I realize this it turns out that Chris is in a new relationship.

My question is, is it too late for us? I am planning on meeting him for coffee next week and am scared to death. I truly don't think that I will ever love anyone as much as I love him and I don't know what to do about it. Should I tell him how I feel even though that isn't fair to him and his current girlfriend? What can I do? I want him in my life, but I don't think that I could handle him just as a friend.

Another fear that I have is that he will feel like I am only coming back now because he has someone new, which isn't true but just a cruel twist of fate.

Please help!

Well, I think you're definitely "wanting what you can't have" here. Chris has a new girlfriend and therefore shouldn't even be meeting you for coffee and it certainly isn't fair for you to try to come between them. By "reading between the lines" in your post I get the impression that you were "in love with being in love" as evidenced by the constant switching back and forth between Jason and Chris. The fact that Jason and Chris are obviously close friends and now roommates made it very convenient for you as they were both readily available to you, unlike if one of them lived 3000 miles away or something like that. I think that you need to take a step back and examine your beliefs and attitudes about relationships and your reasons for getting into the ones that you do. First you met Chris, then you broke up with him, then you got back together with Chris, then he broke up with you, then you "met" Jason (I use the word 'met' in a specialized manner since Jason and Chris are close friends so you obviously knew Jason while you were going out with Chris), then the next day Chris begs you to come back, then you continue to see both of them for the next 8 months, then you finally "chose" Jason but are now meeting Chris for coffee next week. This is not a healthy scenario. I think you need to concentrate on yourself right now. Do the things that interest you and focus on your studies without worrying about having a relationship with anybody. You can certainly maintain casual friendships with both Jason and Chris but I get the impression from your post that you don't want that. As it is right now, you're not being fair to either Chris or Jason as you practically have them caught up in a triangle. Is this the kind of situation you'd want to be in, with a man that you care about but has ambivalent feelings between you and some other woman and is always switching back and forth between you and her?

Well I must clarify a few things. I hadn't met Jason before that night. Chris didn't want me to meet him, I think because he thought we would click. I didn't even know his last name before that night.
And I know that I'm not being fair in this situation, but it has been going on for nearly three years now and I feel like I've grown to the point where I can tell myself that I love Jason, but an in love with Chris

People want wha tthey can't have.

I'd get Chris out of my head - WAY too many break ups. Forget - you guys have issues/prblems.

DON'T lead Jason on - not fair.

Are these the only two guys in your town? Do you really think that this is a healthy situation? Do you ever suspect that they could be playing you? Or taking turns? Sorry I think you need to wake up.

I think you need to get rid of both guys. This can't be mentally or emotionally healthy for you. Are you sure your in love with either of them or just in love with the attention you get from two guys?

For some people love is about suffering and if it isn't about suffering, they will arrange so that it is. It is not a good thing when the drama is played out like that and it speaks of a wounded past that still haunts and in growing up with poor examples. Being in love with love is a kind of addiction really and it requires that the person believe in a kind of love that thrives on ambivalence and therefore allows quasi-dishonorable actions and is often fraught with earning and defending. Real love is not like that. I believe you desperately need to find yourself first, heal where you came from and then maybe you'll have a clearer idea of how this works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

For some people love is about suffering and if it isn't about suffering, they will arrange so that it is. It is not a good thing when the drama is played out like that and it speaks of a wounded past that still haunts and in growing up with poor examples. Being in love with love is a kind of addiction really and it requires that the person believe in a kind of love that thrives on ambivalence and therefore allows quasi-dishonorable actions and is often fraught with earning and defending. Real love is not like that. I believe you desperately need to find yourself first, heal where you came from and then maybe you'll have a clearer idea of how this works.

Wow that is a powerful post. Your right on when you say that some will arrange love to be about suffering. In a strange way the more you suffer the more you love someone is a mentality that many people have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Wow that is a powerful post. Your right on when you say that some will arrange love to be about suffering. In a strange way the more you suffer the more you love someone is a mentality that many people have.

Martyrdom = love (not)

Without getting too psycho-babbled here, it goes to believing you are not really lovable and so you set it up that you have to go to extraordinairy lengths to earn it. And you earn it by suffering. The more you suffer for it, the more the other person will be impressed. It confuses love with worship, frankly. There is a good chance there was a role model who demanded love in exchange for suffering in their past. We don't learn these things strictly out of books or from the movies.

And love triangles like this one here are just variations on the Camelot story. Notice in it, nobody ends up with anybody? That is for good reason too.