I have been married for 6 years. For the most part, my man is a good guy... he works, he doesn't drink or do drugs, doesn't go out, etc. What makes him a bad person is the fact that for the past month or so he has become extremely controlling. I am not allowed to have friends, I have been forced to delete #'s out of my phone. I have had my phone confiscated ( I did get it back) BTW it's in my name and I pay the bill. He regularly reads my texts and checks my calls even though I am not doing anything wrong in the sense of sneaking around. All I call is family and work. He will take car keys so I can't go anywhere. If I do go anywhere, which is either to the store or to work, he calls constantly. Since the beginning of our marriage, I cannot count the number of times that he has said the "if I leave him, he will kill me".

I realize I need to get out of this relationship, but I have to be very careful. I contacted a Domestic Violence hotline and they gave me some help. What my plan is to act as if everything is normal until I have enough money saved in order to leave (about 2 or 3 weeks). I have also called witnesses and people I have confided in so that I have people who can attest to his character (he is a BIG TIME liar and small time thief). I have all these contacts I've made to the witnesses and the Domestic Violence saved and/or written down. The Domestic Violence service made a report of what was said. Is there anything else regarding this subject (character witnesses, etc) that I should do? One thing I will NOT do is get the police involved at this point because he is such a convincing liar that I will be the one who ends up in trouble. My only plan for police contact is, when I am packed and ready to go on my way, I will be turning the gun into the police along with all the proof I manage to get about the threats he made to me.

What I need help with is finding a secretive way to get him on tape/video saying he will kill me if I leave. Any suggestions?

Get out and if anything carry a small voice recorder with you. One can easily be brought at any electronic store.

Regardless or not if you get him on tape leave. You should've left yesterday. You did good by calling DV and accepting their help, now use it now rather than later, please.

I need to save some money. I have basically nothing. I can't get anywhere. I have a place I can go but it is about 1500 miles away. I've made all arrangements, what I am waiting for is MONEY. And solid proof that he is abusive. I am not going to lose my kids to this controlling abusive loser. I will get the proof I need before I leave. I think it would be stupid to not even try. If I can get him on tape or in front of a witness saying he's going to kill me, then I have no worries about him taking my kids or getting the upper hand in a divorce. His parents have money and are ust as big of liars as he is. If I let this go, I will lose everything including my kids. And that is NOT happening. I will get my proof.

I think you are playing a dangerous game. If he finds out that you have a plan to escape, OR he finds a recording device, what will happen then.

Many women get out with the clothes on their backs, with their children. Surely there is a women's shelter? Have you contacted places like the Salvation Army? They often help people who need immediate assistance with money. Surely this would qualitfy.

And even if you have him on tape, in the heat of the moment, saying he is going to kill you, all you have is a threat. I would imagine he could downplay the significance of that under questioning, and it likely isn't enough to guarantee custody anyway. I would ask you, if I were investigating this, why you stayed long enough to get him to threaten your life again, and take such a huge risk, just to have his threat on tape.

He is a loaded gun, and he has a loaded gun. He has threatened to kill you, and from how you describe his behaviour, he is quite capable. Do you really want to risk controlling the situation by acting normal as you said, until you can escape?

If he catches on to your plan, it could be deadly. I would get out now, not three weeks from now. You and your children are in serious danger.

You ask why I stayed this long... well, as I said, for the most part, he is OK. But it's just been lately that he has become extremely controlling. Through our whole marriage, he has made the threat to kill me if I left him but I didn't really believe him until now since his behavior has changed so dramatically. Also, it's just been very recent that I have brought up getting a divorce and that things weren't working out. Things have gone way downhill as far as the abusiveness and threats since then.

I have a plan. I am waiting on some money, I have one more car payment to make and then it's all mine, and I want solid proof from as many sources as possible in order to ensure I get a protective order and am not in great risk of losing my kids. He has gotten away with too much and I WILL make sure his true character is brought to light. His parents are the "bail out" type, the "my son could do no wrong" type, they will fight for him (and they have the means (money,lawyers) to do so) This is one of my main concerns. I CANNOT risk losing my kids to this abusive, neglectful man (he barely knows how to change a diaper). His plan if we separate is to take the kids and move back to his parents house and just dump the kids off on them. They already take care of 2 other grandkids belonging to his little (teen) sister. She said herself she is a "vacation" parent" and hates being a parent. I LOVE my kids, they are my world and I am not losing them. I'm not just going to run off without taking the steps I mentioned.

Scared, I am not questioning your loyalty or love for your children, and I can clearly see the bigger picture, particularly with his family. You have very real concerns and perceptions there of how things are, and how they may be in the future.

Please, be acutely aware of changes that you may not have seen before. Particularly him, if he suddenly seems calm and quietly confident. As quickly as you described him becoming extremely controlling, he may just as quickly go in reverse.

Maybe think about having a backup plan if things go wrong.

One favour I have to ask of you, please keep us posted if you can.

Very odd behaviour and quite a dangerous one indeed. Ever think he may be cheating on you? This really could be it.

It doesn't justify his behaviour, and the previous posters have very good advice!

MRS.S

I don't know nor do I care if he is/has cheated. All I care about is getting out of this with the upper hand, my kids and my life.

I will keep you posted, Jake (and everyone), and I understand your concern and your urging of me to get out NOW. Although my screen name is I AM SCARED, I'm not scared of him so much as I'm scared of being the loser in this separation even though he is the abusive one. He has no clue how to take care of the children, yet he uses taking them away as a threat because he knows they mean the world to me and I am their primary caregiver. As I said, his parents are the type who will back him even though they know darn well I am the better (or more competent parent). The purpose of this post was basically to gather info on how to prove without a doubt that he has threatened my life, and any other info that could help me in the matter of escaping without worry about him taking the children (I have no problem with visitation, just his mental state and incompentcy as far as the care of the kids are major factors here). In this situation, I need to have the upper hand, as I said, his parents are the type who will fight for him and think he can/does no wrong. I don't have the money to fight them. All I can do is gather CONCRETE evidence that he is dangerous, neglectful, incompetent, whatever. This is what I need help with.

Here is an excerpt from a myspace message from 2 days ago (this is the teen mom I mentioned)

"I don't enjoy being a parent. I love my children but I couldn't imagine never having a break. My parents take care of my kids most of the time. Im a weekend vacational type parent."

And this is the same household that my husband plans on going to if we separate. Do you see my frustration? I am a dedicated parent, I love my kids and they are my life. I have never been away from them for a day in my life (except when I work, which happens to be when they are in bed).