Ask Me Help Desk - I hate my step daughter

I dislike my new step daughter. She lies and snoops around my house (everything in it is mine). I don't like to have my things looked through. She has also done laundry and I've found letters that she has left in her jeans where she calls me, my daughter, and husband names. She's been going around saying bad things about all of us to everyone in the neighborhood and at her school. I've never had problems with anyone before and now I feel I might be the gossip of the town because of her. She hates living with us because she has too many rules, she had too many rules when she lived with her mom and she had too many rules when she lived with her grandparents. She's caused these same kind of problems where ever she goes. She starts gossip with the neighborhood and her school or at church. Her father defends her as to why she does these things. I think that he feels sorry for her because she plays on his heart strings, always playing Ms. Innocent and everyone is against me and he believes her. She doesn't nothing around the house and claims that she does it after someone else has done it and her father believes her. It's so fraustrating!

Have you tried counseling?

It doesn't sound like her home life has been very stable. Instablity can lead to children acting out.

First, you and your husband MUST get on the same page.

Have all of you(your husband, you, and the child ) actually sat down to clear the air and talk about things in a civil open matter? If not, try it.

And don't be mean. Start with a positive" I like when you_____ but I dislike when you ___ because it makes me feel like _____."

Just like you have to adjust to the change she has to too. Kids can pick up on when you don't like them. You need to be patience with love, not hate.

Counseling was my first thought too. It sounds like she's looking for attention. I'm not saying she's going about it the right way. Have you and your husband sat down and talked to her about these issues? How old is she?

First, you and your husband needs to come together because right now your aren't on the same page. He believes her over you and this can cause a major conflict between the two of you and maybe that is what is daughter wants.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tia6425

I dislike my new step daughter. She lies and snoops around my house (everything in it is mine). I don't like to have my things looked through. She has also done laundry and I've found letters that she has left in her jeans where she calls me, my daughter, and husband names. She's been going around saying bad things about all of us to everyone in the neighborhood and at her school. I've never had problems with anyone before and now I feel I might be the gossip of the town because of her. She hates living with us because she has too many rules, she had too many rules when she lived with her mom and she had too many rules when she lived with her grandparents. She's caused these same kind of problems where ever she goes. She starts gossip with the neighborhood and her school or at church. Her father defends her as to why she does these things. I think that he feels sorry for her because she plays on his heart strings, always playing Ms. Innocent and everyone is against me and he believes her. She doesn nothing around the house and claims that she does it after someone else has done it and her father believes her. It's so fraustrating!

How long has she lived with you, and knowing her track record, why did you allow it. Is this also the third school she's been in, and does she have problems at school as well. Does she have any sort of relationship with her mother or grandparents, or anybody close that she can talk to?

A lot of times a teen will play one parent off the other and wear somebody down until they get their way. It sounds like she is an expert, as many of them are. She probably sees you as the opposition, and your daughter as the competition. She will do what she needs to do to make sure that her father does not alienate her.

I agree that with such a major change in your household, it would be a good idea to attend family counselling. At least that way she can talk with you and her father with an unbiased person listening. If she has been causing the same sorts of problems in the other households, and you are seeing it now and it's not addressed, this will only lead to more heartache in my opinion.

I have stepdaughters that lived with me as well and it can definitely be challenging. I had snooping issues here too but I addressed them by letting them know that I don't snoop through their things and I expected the same in return. It bothered me that you wrote that you read notes that she had left in her jeans as I think that's snooping. I have a small basket that I leave on my washing machine for anything that is found in clothing and they can come go through it if they are missing something. Teenagers frequently bash the adults in their lives. We're the ones that give them rules and discipline and we aren't here to be popular. Do you do things with your stepdaughter - just the two of you? My daughters and I had "Diva Day" once a month (individually) where we went shopping and got pampered at the spa followed by lunch somewhere of her choosing. During that time - I would tell her stories of things that I did when I was a teenager - including moments I was not proud of - and we would laugh and really started getting to know each other.

Cleaning around the house - most teenagers do exactly the same as she does. Not much. Before I let it make me crazy - on Saturday mornings (the BIG cleaning day at my house) I put slips of paper with individual chores on them into a bowl and everyone got to draw one. That is the chore they were responsible for. If she has certain things that she is supposed to do around the house - hold her accountable for those but I think things could be helped if you found some good things to say about her. Reward her when she does something right. Praise her when she helps around the house. Ask her for her opinion about things - and listen.

I'm hoping that your comment about your house - i.e. "everything in it is mine" just came out sounding wrong to me and wasn't meant the way it sounded. It sounded like your stepdaughter is an interloper in your home rather than a family member. If that's the case - try thinking about that. If she feels like a stranger rather than a family member - she is far more likely to act out.

I hope this works out for you. I'm crazy about my daughters now and can't imagine my life without them in it. I hope it's the same for you.

That letter that was in the dryer was written on my labeled paper, so when I read it, I thought I was reading something that I had left in my clothes (I did not take it out of her jeans to read it.
I did have a talk with her yesterday and found out that she feels that she's competeing for her fathers attention. She apologized for the words that she used to describe me, my daughter and my husband in that letter. Our conversation went a little further than I expected. I found out that she's sexually active and doing drugs. I'm not sure how to handle that. Her father thinks that she's still a virgin (17). But I am glad that she was able to open up to me. I'm hoping that this will change things in the house after I have a talk with her father. I'm still debating whether I should tell him about her activities or not. They're pretty disturbing. Thanks to everyone for your advice. I wasn't sure where to go for help.

Alpine Annie had some really good points there. Maybe she just needed an opportunity there to speak from the heart, and you gave it to her, and listened. That, is progress.

As to the sexual activity and drug use, that is something that needs to be addressed with your husband. It has likely not been addressed in the past when she lived with her mother, and then her grandmother.

It worries me that your husband seems blind to her behaviour, and I don't know what will happen when he does know, but he's going to have to open his eyes and deal with this. That is something that he has to know.

And, at least you know where some of the behaviour is coming from. She is living a life that nobody knew about.

The plus side is, when any parent is faced with the knowledge that their child is sexually active, and doing drugs, none of us are ever prepared. It is a shock, and it is upsetting.

I am beginning to think that you just may be the one that can reach this girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tia6425

That letter that was in the dryer was written on my labled paper, so when I read it, I thought I was reading something that I had left in my clothes (I did not take it out of her jeans to read it.
I did have a talk with her yesterday and found out that she feels that she's competeing for her fathers attention. She apologized for the words that she used to describe me, my daughter and my husband in that letter. Our conversation went a little further than I expected. I found out that she's sexually active and doing drugs. I'm not sure how to handle that. Her father thinks that she's still a virgin (17). But I am glad that she was able to open up to me. I'm hoping that this will change things in the house after I have a talk with her father. I'm still debating whether I should tell him about her activities or not. They're pretty disturbing. Thanks to everyone for your advice. I wasn't sure where to go for help.

I would be very careful when speaking to your husband. If your step-daughter has opened up to you she may very quickly shut down and feel "betrayed" if she sees it as you running to her father to "rat her out". I would obviously speak to your husband and get a game plan and then try to work with your daughter without your husband's intervention until she feels comfortable bringing her father into the scenario. And she'll let you know when/if that time comes.

Good luck!

Get over yourself. Maybe you not making her feel welcome.

That would probably change her attitude towards you. Show some respect and I guarantee she will show you some in return. You need to do some hard thinking about what its like to be in her shoes.