Hello, Well this is my first time on this site but I thought. Hey, why not give it a try. Well, a year ago. I met someone. Not just an ordinary someone. But what I thought was "That" someone. From the min. we saw each other. We were in love. We never spent a day apart. Then about 6 months into it. We hit some rocky roads. He beat me up. A lot. Later to find out I was not the first. Anyway, Well, I stayed with him. Stupid me I know. But when I finally built up the courage to leave him. I did. And didn't look back. About 2 weeks after we broke up I found out he was cheating on me the entire time. I was heartbroken. This was my first love. Well, let's just say he was a first for a lot of things. So, I moved on. It's been about 7 months now and I've been single ever since. Loving it sometimes and other times... not so much. He has already moved on and is happy yet again and here is little old me. Who's still single and can't seem to find that 'right' guy. So, I guess what I'm asking for is some good tips on how to get over this guy and move on. I just want to be happy again. And a part of me feels like he took that love part of out of life and I'm afraid I may never get it back. Thanks so much for everyone who will respond to this.

This was your first love?

You should have been over him the first hit.

How could you not be over this massive scum bag. Did I say massive scum bag loser?

Ughhhh - you seem to have a lot of issues. I strongly advise counseling because you seem to have feelings for a massive abuser.

Okay. So this will seem even more messed up. I know I'm over him. But this is the first time I've ever been single before. It's almost as if I don't know how to act. It's odd in a way. I know I'm over him. It's not him that I miss. It's having someone there. And I know that the next time someone even raises a hand to me. I'm out that door.

You need to learn to love yourself, Love your own company, love being alone and love being single before you can epxect someone else to truly love you.

Its hard to advise exactly how you can start loving yourself again but as Wildcat said maybe some conselling might help.

Ypou definitely seem to have some issues that are lingering from this TERRIBLE relationship you were in with this abusive worm. Sorry, but that is exactly what he is.

You will find happiness and love again, but as I said you need to find it in yourself first or there is no way anyone else will love you. Not anyone that is healthy anyway.

Good luck, sorry I couldn't give you much more but I'm sure many others here will offer some great advice. Chery?? Val??

One great way to help heal is to build strong female relationships with single girls... have a life with them, talk with them about girl things, and make that your life for awhile... depend on them, not a guy! Have fun! That is your goal right now! You will miss that attention, those talks, and the touch of men, but you need to really get to know yourself and learn who you are so you can show that to your new guy when YOU are ready!
I was in your shoes, always in long term relationships from 16-28... and I realized that my life was about the guys! The last few years I have been single for a reason, the same reason I am sharing with you... and I will say, that my dating realtionships have been healthy and I have begun to build my confidence in my life, and really appreciate my girlfriends... I no longer depend on a guy to share things with, I have other people for that... so my relationships are about us, not because I am lonely.
You are young, and I wish I would have done this earlier, like your age... I wouldn't have wasted so much time on people that were not good for me... and the earlier you learn who you are, the more likely you will find Mr. right... and KNOW it! :)

First of all, don't assume that he's so happy. If he was beating you up you can bet he's doing it to all the other women he's with as well. He obviously has some serious issues to work on. A happy and well-adjusted person is the last thing he is. Rest assured that he'll get his unless he gets some serious therapy now. However, something tells me that he won't acknowledge that he has a problem until he gets either locked up or beaten up himself, maybe even killed (by an angry father or brother who decides that he doesn't like anyone knocking around a woman he loves and cares about.) But enough about him ; on to you and your situation as it now is. I think that, all things considered, you're handling the situation well. Your best bet now is to get out and network. Don't be so focused on "finding that special someone" right away. You need to meet people and date around. Developing a serious relationship with someone takes time and lots of it, at least if you want to do it right and avoid another catastrophe. Work on yourself first and foremost and pursue those things that interest you. Join a bowling league, a dance club, take a vacation, a class. In general, do the things that you want to do. You don't need another person in your life to share them with. Build a life of your own ; don't wait around for Prince Charming to come and "give" you one ; it doesn't work that way. When you do meet someone to date, don't be too anxious or available. Be busy with your own life and be somewhat mysterious. I know this may sound counter-productive at first but it's the only way to ultimately get things to work out the way you want them to. Don't return calls right away and no e-mailing or text messaging 3-4 times a day Even if they initiate the contact, don't respond to every message and don't respond right away. Make them chase you, instead of you chasing them.

hey

its hard to start loving yourself when your whole life you've depended on others. Like you, my boyfriend dumped me 5 months ago after 2 years together- he was my first everything as well and I really loved him like I never have loved anyone. Which was my problem. I put him first before myself, went out with him from 17-19 and gave him everything and anything. I lost myself. Like you I was in an abusive relationship- mine however was not physical- it was emotional abuse. To even admit that out loud is hard. I never thought of it that way but now I see it more clearly. Anyhow, it is hard to be alone but it's a worthy cause. Sometimes I panic and worry that I will never love again, never find a guy that's the "right" one. But to be honest right now I need to work on me before I can be with anyone- I agree with all the advice you've been given- spend time with girl friends that are single. Go out to places like clubs or pool hall or places to just have a good time. Don't concentrate on looking for someone- its hard but it will happen when you least expect it. But most of all I urge you to stay single until you can love yourself- read books, just learn to like being alone ( something I always hate is to be alone but I'm working on that). Anyhow for you to allow a guy to treat u that way ( and for me to allow a guy to treat me emotionally abusively) says that there is something wrong with our self worth and value. Anyhow, remember that you don't need a guy- you want one but you don't need one. Of course its nice to have a guy but for now, stay single until you can have a man add to your life and not be your life... goodluck!

The great thing about getting older when you are becoming an adult is you finally get to explore all of those things that you've been learning about... freedom, relationships, physical and emotional intimacy, etc. the bad thing is many people, myself included, overdo it.

There is so much excitement and wanting that you do dumb things and sometimes accept behaviour that you know in your heart is wrong. You also want so badly to get things right and have it now that its hard to see the truth.

Because the truth is wed all be a lot happier if we could not question ourselves so much... not make a big production out of simple things, and use a little common sense. Your ex cheated on you a lot and treated you badly. Fine. Make that the past. Don't accept less. Don't assume all guys will cheat... the message isn't that you need to be suspicious. You just need to ease up on yourself a little and if you are frustrated and a little lonely from time to time, that's being human.

Here's the leap of faith... it does get better. Really. Jerks who hurt you fade into the past, as long as you let them be in the past.

I dated a girl who treated me great for a long time... but the last 2 years of our relationship, it was wacked on a minor scale. After I finally got a clue and said a permanent goodbye, I didn't date anyone for 2 years. I could have. I probably shouldn't have for a time. It sucked. It hurt. It got better. Really.

Then one day you look up and the part of you that is ready to move on is stronger than the part that was sulking. I know it is BORING to be where you are. Hurting sucks. Hurting is boring. Hurting stops. But not on a dime.

So... all I can say is figure out what is important to you in your life and do it well. Relationships take some pursuit and effort, but don't force it. I really think I didn't date those 2 years because I didn't find someone I really wanted to date. I wasn't broken (completely)... we just aren't necessarily meant to jump from relationship to relationship, unless you are like your ex of course.

I know this isn't really going to make things better, but I'm telling you... things will get better, especially if you can find a way to strengthen your resolve and never put up with that kind of crap again.

The part of yourself you think you lost... you can rediscover something like it again. It may not be the same. That's OK. The feelings I had in the relationship with my first have never been exactly duplicated. They aren't supposed to be. Each relationship is different. That's good news for you.

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Originally Posted by stillalillonely

It's been about 7 months now and i've been single ever since. Loving it sometimes and other times.... not so much. He has allready moved on and is happy yet again and here is lil old me. Who's still single and can't seem to find that 'right' guy. So, i guess what i'm asking for is some good tips on how to get over this guy and move on. I just wanna be happy again. And a part of me feels like he took that love part of out of life and i'm afraid i may never get it back. Thanks so much for everyone who will respond to this.

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Just remember this, YOU haven't yet found the right person for you, your EX will NEVER find the right person, will NEVER be happy, because they are cheats and insecure beaters. So don't let this get you down... this EX of yours will never ever find true happiness.

You need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

Good Luck.

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Originally Posted by YeloDasy

One great way to help heal is to build stong female relationships with single girls.... have a life with them, talk with them about girl things, and make that your life for awhile... depend on them, not a guy!!

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Correct! You need women to teach you how to be one.

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Originally Posted by tirednhurt86

anyhow for you to allow a guy to treat u that way ( and for me to allow a guy to treat me emotionally abusively) says that there is something wrong with our self worth and value.

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Correct! It is your view of you that is doing this more than anything.

I have been where you are, with both physical and emotional abuse. This is serious crap. It required work to overcome. I saw a therapist for several years, paid for out of my own pocket since I didn't have insurance and it was expensive. But it is what made the difference between my pulling out of it and moving into a whole new way of living or repeating in an endless cycle, all the while telling myself I just kept meeting the same loser guys. It was me all along, a damaged me that didn't know how to heal from all that had happened in my growing up, or failing to grow up was more like it. Claiming to be naïve is how I hid it all from myself and guaranteed it would reoccur. You may need several more examples of abusive boyfriends to hear my words, but I hope not. You need help to get "whole" or you stand at risk for the users who read that "unwholeness" as an open invitation. It really does work that way.

I think we are missing something in the picture here. Doesn't mean that you don't need a guy means avoid them at all cost. You'll never get over it. Part of loving yourself is loving others first. Read the Dali Llama, of all self-help books this I recall is far superior. Networking is definitely an option but you can't block out someone crucial part of your life. Men or women. One way or another you will face the person and go through the same process. Ironically you will find yourself at the same position where you left it off. No one makes the right decision. It's a chain of reaction. One leads to another and goes on. Ask your great grandparents or someone older how many mistakes they have made and I assure you there are some of it that they still can't figure out. It really all comes down to you how you want to play your cards. Whatever makes you happy do it for a cause. I know this is hard for first timers but just focus on the bright side there's plenty of fish in the ocean. Getting yourself involved in an abusive relationship whether its physical or emotional is definitely not ideal. You are hurting not just yourself but everyone evolves around you. Seriously you can easily garner some common sense to avoid these from happening but you must take the proper actions.

First of all, I am impressed with the fact you left him because he was abusive. Even though it took you a bit to get the strength to do it. You said it, you got the strength to leave him. You say you are lonely without him. Everyone can get lonely sometimes, so do not confuse that with missing him. He filled a void in your life for a time and I will bet there were some pretty lonely times when you were with him. You have gotten some great advice. I find an exercise class makes you feel healthy and strong. A college course helps you to grow and you meet new people with some direction. Your girlfriends can always relate and women need other female friends. As mysticque said, read some good self help books. When you are comfortable with yourself and love yourself others will gravitate towards you. When you learn to love yourself that love will spread to everyone around you. Your life will change and then you will know what kind of person you want to live your life with. He will not choose you, you will choose him.
You have the strength, you just need the tools and you are going to be just fine.