Ask Me Help Desk - Not easy

I too am going through a break up and it so rough. I am 27 and had been with my boyfriend for 8 1/2 years. 4 1/2 years ago I took a job that was 3 hours away. At that time we were not together, I had broken up with him. Of course I went back to him like I have done so many times. There are reasons that he had for not moving with me, family issues. Now that I really think about it, if he had wanted to he probably could have. Anyway, we lived together for 1 1/2 years also. We have been through a lot together. I know everyone says that but there is something we experienced early in our relationship that was very difficult. I always thought that he would marry me, that he wanted to eventually settle down with me. I thought that the distance made it hard for us but I still thought he wanted to be with me.

Anyway, in February we broke it off for good because he couldn't tell me whether we were together or not. We had been working on things for a while and they were going really good. I told him either we were together or weren't, no between. Well, that was it. He stopped calling, texting, etc. Whenever I would text him when we were together he would seldom text me back. His excuse was that he didn't have a qwerty keyboard like I do so it took forever. Whatever! Since then, he has been hanging out with some new, younger people and partying every weekend. I am pretty sure he has a new girlfriend and it just kills me. Of course I have contacted him several times, which I know is not good. I did go almost 3 weeks without talking to him, not that I didn't try though. During those 3 weeks I called him 1 time and text 1 time.

I don't have the courage to delete him from Facebook, my cell, or my email. Of course I still have hope that he will change his mind and realize what a great person I am and come back. However, I know that that will not happen. Even if it did it would probably be just because he got bored and wanted to keep me on the back burner some more. I know everyone says no contact, OK, I can do that I think. It is the hardest when I go back to my hometown because I so badly want to go to his house or call him. So, I do not plan on going back for a few weeks.

What I just don't understand is how he can tell me he loves me and then just stop. He has told me since we broke up that he is not in love with me and that he does not want to marry me. How can I still want to be with someone who said that to me? Why do I care so much about someone who does not have the same feelings? I know in time it will get easier but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I so scared that I will never meet another guy or get married and have a family. It hurts so bad to know that he is out having fun while I sit around and cry over him. He never has been a partier and he acting like he just turned 21! Any advice guys on why he suddenly is acting like that?

I know I should get back to the gym but when I get home from work I just want to crash. My only friends here are my coworkers and I don't want to tell them my drama because it is embarrassing. Can anyone give me some advice?

You need to delete him from the Facebook, email etc. Think about it like this, you were with him for 8 years if he wanted to get in contact he could no doubt find a way. Keeping tabs on him will only hurt you more.

I can't tell you why you would want to be with someone that says things like that to you because no one knows. Only you.

Look at the stickies at the top of this forum, they really are great and aren't written by some aloof person, they are written by the people here on this forum that have been through this.

NC doesn't just consist of not talking, it is essentially erasing him from your every day life.

Sometimes when I feel as you do, I try to tell myself 'Well if I keep doing this how can I ever expect to be happy again?'

For example, would you accept someone into your life with as much baggage as you are carrying around? No. Because it would be bad for yourself to have such a drain on your emotions.

You have to start the healing for yourself. So you can be better than you ever were with him. Try to concentrate on the reasons you broke up. Take off the rose tinted glasses.

Best of Luck.

I don't know if I am doing this right but I am adding more to my post. I was waiting at the doctor's office today and decided to check my Facebook from my blackberry. My ex put a pic of the girl I am guessing is his new girlfriend and some other people at the bar. He has his arm around and vice versa. It was horrible, how can he move on so quickly after 8 years with me! Not to be rude but she is not even cute. I suppose she is to him though. I can tell he has added other pics but must have me blocked from seeing them. I want so badly to delete him but I am afraid to. I know that it hurts me when I know what he is doing or who he is with but I want to know! Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad that he doesn't want me. He would seldom come visit me since I am 3 hours away but he goes to see her almost every weekend and she is 2 1/2 hours away from him, even when there was a winter storm!!

Stop it now! You need to pull yourself together and move on. I know it's easier said than done but you need to be strong and take it day by day.

Having contact with him by viewing his Facebook, myspace, texting, etc is just killing you softly inside.

While your getting upset, frustrated, and any other emotion he is out living his life and enjoying it. He done moved on to someone else.

Trying to figure out his reasons behind his actions useless. I can give a number of reason but do you really what to go through that? Again, its useless.

If you keep going down the road your going it is only going make you stress out. Did you know that stres can cause serious health problems like ulcers, heart diease, to name a couple. Stress can also make you depress. Do you want that? I wouldn't!

Time to get out of denial, accept it's over, and let go. Stop all forms of communication including viewing his online media. Get out and paint the town red. And start a day fresh and new outlook on life.

Ya my ex left me for some other girl I know how you feel. All I can say is that at first I was reluctant to let go and I wanted to fight for her till the very end, but why do that for someone who doesn't care about you. I know this is hard to hear but you need to forget about him and move on with your life, erase him from your life and you will find someone better.

Hmmm did anyone watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? O_O that totally contradicts what I just said...

I went and picked up a couple books tonight, Greg Behrendt's "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" and Jenn Scheft's "Better Single Than Sorry." Hopefully these will help me. He doesn't even know what a great person he has lost. I was so committed and in love with him. I am going to try really hard to concentrate on me and get back to the gym, go out with my friends, and maybe find some place to volunteer at. He will not break me! I just wish I could flash forward 6 months and be all better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MLeigh

I went and picked up a couple books tonight, Greg Behrendt's "It's Called a Break Up Because It's Broken" and Jenn Scheft's "Better Single Than Sorry." Hopefully these will help me. He doesn't even know what a great person he has lost. I was so committed and in love with him. I am going to try really hard to concentrate on me and get back to the gym, go out with my friends, and maybe find some place to volunteer at. He will not break me! I just wish I could flash forward 6 months and be all better.

YUP That's THE ATTITUDE! Truth is, they really don't know. We so deserve so much better. Someone will appreciate us, not take us for granted, loves us, be loyal to us, not someone who just leaves us when things get hard. That's a good plan. Do all of those! I know later on they will realize how they lost a good catch and they ll come running back to us but by that time we won't even want them back anymore because we've already found other good stuff in our life. And if they don't... its still their lost. I was willing to go to the end for this girl but now I see its not worth it after how crappy she treats me. Take each day at a time =P and we're all here for you if you need someone to talk to. We're all in the same situation or been through it and we're here to help each other get through it.

Hi MLeigh- I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm 31 and after losing the girl that wanted to marry me/ vice versa I feel for you. It's been 6 months since we've been broken up and time moves slowly. But time is what you need. I wonder the same questions you do, day in and day out.. how can she just fall out of love and move on so easy. Unfortunately you will never get that answer.. or the day you do, it will not matter anymore.

Keep in mind that it is OK to cry, it's OK to be MAD, and it's OK to miss him, and still think about him. Do not be too hard on yourself, or get mad that you feel one way when he doesn't. All too often we sit and try to force ourselves to stop loving, stop caring, stop thinking about them, etc.. That will happen with time- it can NOT be forced. All the suggestions people make about keeping busy and working on you will HELP the process of healing- so try to follow those ideas. I know when you are alone it's the hardest, so try to hang out with friends as much as you can. DO get back to the gym, run, lift, classes, exercise is an amazing stress reliever, and confidence booster, etc. Read the books you bought, watch movies, self-improvement is amazing.

The thing you said about flashing forward- yup.. I wish I could fast forward to when I can wake up someday and feel OK with myself. And not wake up upset & mad. I prayed every night for months to bring her back.. but the truth is. YOU do NOT want someone that does not want you. You loved this guy for a person he WAS, the love he SHARED with you throughout those years, and how he CARED for you. Unfortunately those feelings don't exist anymore, and even YOU know that much. The thought of being alone is the most painful one I've experienced.. but we have to remember that we are GOOD / AMAZING people, and have A LOT to offer. Someone, someday will see that in you- and hold onto you very tightly and appreciate it more then he ever did.

Keep your head up, I'm here- and so are the rest of us.. just be patient with yourself, the sun will get brighter each day..

Thumper

Thank you so much for all your advice. It is excellent. Sadly, it is really nice to be on here with people going through the same thing. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing about it. I wish you luck as well.

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Originally Posted by MLeigh

Thank you so much for all your advice. It is excellent. Sadly, it is really nice to be on here with people going through the same thing. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing about it. I wish you luck as well.

Lol your not alone in that area. My friends are so sick of me talking about this girl and that is all we ever talk about. But we need someone to talk to about these stuff because we can't keep it inside and if we do eventually we'll blow up. But what are friends for? They are there for you when you need them and you're there for them when they need it. We're also here too for you, everyone here either been through or is going through a similar situation. Hope things get better - none

Ok, I know I should delete him on my Facebook but I just can't bring myself to do that yet. I have been doing really good. It has been 13 days since I have contacted him. Anyway, earlier this week he changed his relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship" but then later in the day hid his relationship status so no one can see it. I know he has moved on and seems to be happy now with his change in his lifestyle. I know that we will never get back together. Of course I still wonder why after 8 years he decided to break it off for good. I guess maybe he just let it linger and got sick of it. I have been keeping myself busy and it helps a little. I don't cry everyday. How can he have a girlfriend so fast though? There is a guy I work with who is interested in me but there is no way I could go into another relationship right now. I feel like myself confidence and self esteem have been completely destroyed. How do I work on that?

Read the stickies at the begging of this forum, there is a link in my signature if you have a problem finding them.

Be good to yourself, and do good things for yourself, and confidence, and self esteem, will follow.