My boyfriend (21) and I (19 )have been together for almost 8 months in April this year, his dad and step mom love me, but I found out that he was possibly the father of a one night stand with this girl he knew (BEFORE HE MET ME). She got him drunk and than never mentioned having to wear a condom or that she was on birth control (her exfiance never used one).

I didn't want to break it off because I felt like he could be "the one" even though it was so early in our relationship. He knows that I'm not happy about the situation and told me that I can leave if its too much for me but I'm so in love with him that I couldn't imagine my life without him.

How I found out about it is not something that made me happy. She had sent me a friend request on myspace and we were talking a bit and she brought up how she was happy that I was OK with the situation and how he did not cheat on me. I was really confused so I texted him asking what was going on and then he told me that it was possibly his kid with her. When I heard that I was more than infurated, but I went to talk to him that night and he explained how she was going to tell me if he had not already told me so he had lied to her saying I knew.

For a while it was OK between us, he came and visited me at school too... that is until the IT was born. He went there when it was born thinking it was over and he would stop by and say hello. But when he got there she had just started pushing so he ended up staying the whole time with the family being rude and everything to him. She even stole our baby name!!

Now that his family knows it his kid (did a paternity test) his dad wants to play "grandpa" and so does everyone else. However no one has asked ME how I'm dealing with it. I try to put on a brave face and just ignore it most of the time but since I'm at college several hundred miles away I can't see him as much as I would like and now he has changed his mind about being in its life. He at first said he didn't want anything to do with it and just was going to pay the child support but now he's going to be a "father figure" to it totally flipping it around on me after it was born.

Of course after being told for months that he won't be the dad for it it hurts a lot for me to know that I'm now not the first mom and my kids are just an addition to this little brat. Im scared the family won't love my kids with their son as much as this one, or that this kid is going to be part of all family holidays and get-to-gethers now.

What I need to know is, do I have the right to be mad? And what should I do? Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do?

You have NO right to be mad, and quite frankly you are the one that is being a selfish little brat! You are being incredibly immature!

First off, no one "gets" someone drunk! He got himself drunk! Did she tie him up and pour alcohol down his throat? I quite doubt it!

Secondly, it was HIS responsibility to use a condom! Why was it HER responsibility to TELL him to wear a condom? Is she his mother? He is a grown man, and if he couldn't figure this one out on his own, well he has as much growing up to do as you do! He got himself drunk, and he WILLINGLY slept with her!

This innocent baby is not an "IT". Shame on you!! This is NOT THE BABY'S FAULT! I can't believe you are blaming this on the BABY... not "IT"!! This is 100% your boyfriends doing! This was a consensual sexual act between your boyfriend and this other woman. You are being ridiculous! I may expect this self serving and childish behaviour out of a 10 yr. old, but not someone who is 19! Are you kidding me? Oh, and nobody "stole" your future baby's name. This further proves your childish ways.

Thumbs up to your boyfriend for wanting to be a father to HIS CHILD! Also, to the child's grandfather! By the way, the only one "playing" here is you. The grandfather is doing what the father of his sons baby should!

All you are worried about here are your own selfish needs. Suck it up, and take a waaaa pill. With this attitude, your relationship isn't going to survive much longer anyway. Mark my words!

Had to spread the rep Starby, but bravo.

OP, that you actually think it's okay to call this precious child an "it" is very telling. You are a very selfish person, it's time you learned that it's not all about you.

Bottom line, your boyfriend has a child, a child he wants in his life, you can either accept that or find another guy.

Would your really want to be with a man that makes a baby and then walks away? What if you were the babies mother, what if the roles were reversed? Wouldn't you expect him to man up, take on his responsibility, be a father to you child?

Do you have a right to be mad? No, none at all.

What should you do? Either grow up and realize that this child is a part of his life and always will be, or walk away.

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I'm now not the first mom and my kids are just an addition to this little brat

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The only brat is you. Do the world a favor and grow up! :(

Wow. I agree with these people...
Although, you are quite mean calling the baby an "IT"

That is offensive to me because I'm 11 :P

And yeaahhh... Ok I'll shutup.

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Originally Posted by ansonwongg

Wow. I agree with these people...
Although, you are quite mean calling the baby an "IT"

That is offensive to me because I'm 11 :P

And yeaahhh..... Ok I'll shutup.

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You don't have to shutup! There is nothing that you said that was wrong. It is offensive! I'm much older than you, and it's very offensive to me also!

Oh, I only said that because I thought my "answer" was kind of silly...

Ok we're getting off topic...
Back to this woman... :P

You knew that he was having a child, and YOU CHOSE to stay with him. YOU have the option of getting out of the situation that you are in. I also agree with everyone else, you need to get over yourself, and grow up. The child did not choose the situation... YOU DID. When you refer to a baby as IT you sound very selfish and immature. My advice, if you do not like the situation you are in... LEAVE no one is keeping you there but YOU. By the way, they can't steel "your" baby name... you do not own it... again this just shows how selfish and immature that you are. Get over it, or leave.

I agree with the other posts as well...

The thing is, this child did not ask to be here so penalizing him/her because you're jealous is unfair. This is a human being we're talking about.

The funny thing is, you said your boyfriend told you that you could leave if this situation would be too much for you but you chose to stay with him because you say you love him so much. Well when you made the decision to stay with him then you chose to accept this baby. Yes, it probably is a difficult situation to have this child suddenly exist when you knew nothing about the situation from the beginning. But the reality is that he/she does exist and you must deal with your feelings if you choose to stay around.

You say how much you love your boyfriend, well that means loving his child because this is part of him. This child (as proven by a test) is HIS. He probably said a lot of things about intending to not be part of the child's life because he was shocked. People do that when they are surprised; they say things they don't mean. But thankfully he's stepped up and done the right thing by being a part of the baby's life. It's the right thing to do and if he was the kind of guy to abandon his child, then we'd all be asking you why you wanted to be with such a loser.

As for the child being a part of holidays and family gatherings... well he/she should be welcome to attend since he/she is family; you on the other hand, are not. And given your attitude; you never will be because, mark my words, he will soon end things with a woman who rejects his child. Or at least- he should.

starbuck8 agrees: If he stays is this dysfunctional and childish relationship with her, there will be not but hurt and drama for this innocent child. I hope the boyfriend continues to do the right thing, and I hope the OP learns something here.

**Correction** "Nothing" but hurt.

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Originally Posted by hriderchamp76

wat i need to know is, do i have the right to be mad? and what should i do? has anyone else gone through this? what did you do?

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It is not a question of having a "right" to be mad, you can feel whatever you feel, but as others have said you are not dealing with this situation in a mature manner. It is not hard to see that you are just not ready to handle it. It would be a difficult situation for many adults as well, so it is not unexpected that at 19 you are only able to view this from your perspective, how it effects you and the plans you had in mind.

You have only been dating this guy for about 8 months... he may be wonderful, but he is also a father and will be involved with his child, and the child's mother in at least some regard, for a very long time. I know this must have come as quite a shock to you but you will either have to learn how to accept this and support him so that he can be the best father he can, and should be, to this child, or you will have to get out now before it becomes even more complicated. There is nothing wrong with your not being able to deal with the situation well, if you can't, you can't... not everyone could, but you have to be able to see that and know what would be best for everyone involved.

It's not going to change, in fact he and his family will likely become even more involved as time goes on... and that, as much as you dislike the idea, is how it should be. There are far too many guys who don't step up.

There are plenty of other wonderful guys out there who do not have a child already, where you can be the only one because in time you will come to realize, when a child is born, that child will always come first.

I'm actually dealing with a similar situation. My boyfriend is 21 and I'm also 19 and I know it gets really hard at times and I saw a different view of how I wanted my life, but like all these people said we did choose to be with these guys and that means accepting every part of them. My opinion is if you really do love him then you'll be there for him because I know that this whole thing is really hard on my boyfriend and I'm here for him anytime and he loves that about me and he appreciates me more. That's why we have an amazing relationship because you can either fight the feeling and be selfish or you can go with the feeling and grow from this and maybe years down the line if you do end up with him he's going to look back and be like wow I have the best girlfriend in the world and I can't wait to have a family with her, and the feeling of his child with you will be completely different than his child with this girl. I'm not saying that this child doesn't matter or he loves he/she less but if he had a child with you it would be conceived out of love and you said "it hurts a lot for me to know that im now not the first mom and my kids are just an addition to this little brat. Im scared the family wont love my kids with their son as much as this one, or that this kid is going to be part of all family holidays and get-togethers now." you may not be the 1st mom but if you ended up with him you would be the last and that's really what its all about is being there until the end and your kids with him wouldn't be "just an addition" like I said before, they would be children made from love so the feeling would be completely different. Also, the child is going to be there for family gatherings and everything but as his girlfriend you would be there too and if/when you have kids with him it will be your own little family and your kids will be at the gatherings as well. I don't blame you for feeling the way you are feeling because to be honest, I used to kind of feel the same way but I realized I had to grow up and I looked at it from a different perspective and sometimes it still hurts but I talk to my boyfriend about it and he helps me with how I'm feeling and we get through it and my advice to you is to just talk to your boyfriend on how your feeling and if you really do love each other than you'll get through it and if not then it wasn't meant to be