Hi all I wrote on here in January regarding my daughter who for some reason has just decided to cut me out of her life. We were really quite close for years and when I lost my son at the tender age of 21 I thought my life could never get any worse. But I tell you what, what my daughter is doing to me now is making me even worse than when I lost my son. On my last posting people suggested I sit it out, well I have not made any contact with her as she has made it perfectly clear she does not want any contact. But last weekend it was mothers day and I never received a card from her, I am not even worth that, the first time ever I have not had one I was gutted. What kind of person has she turned into I just can't imagine how anybody can just suddenly decide she does not have a mother. It was also my birthday this week and again totally ignored me. My father who is 89 is so upset about all this I just don't know what I have done, nothing except be a mother. I have sen my father this afternoon and he asked me if I had heard
From my daughter for my birthday had to tell him no could see the upset on his face, He told me he had tried to ring her twice but just got a recorded message each time sounds like she may have even changed her number now for some reason, I have never tried to ring her at all since she ousted me from her life and that is over a year ago now. He said he was going to try and ring her again he clearly wants to talk to her. His health is being affected by all this and mine too am really at a loss, people say leave her get on with your life she will come round, but will she and do I want it. If only I could just know why... please send me some advice as I just don't know whick way to turn anymore..

Kids are tough, life is tough on Kids, don't know if this happened after the loss of her brother? Could be her life is very hectic, could be you didn't let her get her way for good reason, and wants to be a Butt because she didn't get her way? They grow up in time, hopefully, sometimes it's not till they have kids and knows what it takes.
Good Luck.

Has she actually told you she doesn't want any contact? When did her attitude start to change? As stratmando said, sometimes kids get busy with their own lives and don't always think of others. Could she have reason to be upset with you? Have you had words?

All you can do is continue to reach out to her if you want to. Doesn't have to be often, but just to let her know you are thinking about her and miss the closeness you once had. If you think there might be a reason she could be upset with you, tell her you are sorry that things have gone the way they have but you would like to work towards rebuilding the relationship you once had. Even if you can't think of anything that could be a reason, let her know you are interested in reconnecting.
Then you will have to step back and not push for a relationship... you can't make her respond, you can't make her contact you. Just keep the door open so that she knows you are there.

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Originally Posted by Stratmando

Kids are tough, life is tough on Kids, don't know if this happened after the loss of her brother? Could be her life is very hectic, could be you didn't let her get her way for good reason, and wants to be a Butt because she didn't get her way? They grow up in time, hopefully, sometimes it's not till they have kids and knows what it takes.
Good Luck.

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She lost her brother 10 years ago this April And no her life is not hectic she does not work has not worked for years due to depression. Which is a lot of the problem she should get out into the wide world and meet people. I have never pushed her in any way she has always done her own thing she left home when she was 20. I have given her everything been too daft with her helped her in so many ways and I just got it thrown back in my face.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Has she actually told you she doesn't want any contact? When did her attitude start to change? As stratmando said, sometimes kids get busy with their own lives and don't always think of others. Could she have reason to be upset with you? Have you had words?

All you can do is continue to reach out to her if you want to. Doesn't have to be often, but just to let her know you are thinking about her and miss the closeness you once had. If you think there might be a reason she could be upset with you, tell her you are sorry that things have gone the way they have but you would like to work towards rebuilding the relationship you once had. Even if you can't think of anything that could be a reason, let her know you are interested in reconnecting.
Then you will have to step back and not push for a relationship.....you can't make her respond, you can't make her contact you. Just keep the door open so that she knows you are there.

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Yes she told me over a year ago now she does not want me in her life anymore. We had not had any arguments or anything always got on well. She did have a nervous breakdown 3 months prior to this and I had her living with me aand helped her in so many ways she ran me ragged but I put up with it to help her. Decorated her flat for her to go back to she went back and a week later she told me. Has sent me 3 nasty e mails also last year telling me to keep out of her life and stop trying to contact her - I had never tried
In anyway to contact her was leaving her to come round, I was even accused of annonimous phone calls! Have never rung her, just don't know what I have done wrong at all, I have lost 3 children life is not good as you can imagine it is an existence. People say leave her she will come round but as time goes on it just gets more and more remote I just don't think I will see her again. My father is so upset I know he thinks he will never see her again he is 89 bless him and it is not doing his health any good at all, she is his only grandchild. That's what is upsetting me more than anything my father does not derserve to be ignored. He has never done her any harm has helped her so much in life in many ways. I just wish I knew why

I would wonder if something else is going on with her emotionally and mentally given her past... depression severe enough to keep her from working for years, accusing you of contacting her when you haven't, nervous breakdown, suddenly cuts off contact, etc..

If she does not feel the need to seek help, does not even see that she may need it, there is really nothing you can do. It is truly unfortunate that her grandfather has to go through this as well, but sadly that is sometimes the case if someone is having emotionally difficulties. You may never know why... it is likely entirely out of your control.

If you ever thought she would be a danger to herself, perhaps you could seek support that way, but otherwise, it comes down to just being there if she does at some point want to reestablish contact. Does she have any other family members that she keeps in contact with? Any friends that you could trust to speak to you?

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

I would wonder if something else is going on with her emotionally and mentally given her past....depression severe enough to keep her from working for years, accusing you of contacting her when you haven't, nervous breakdown, suddenly cuts off contact, etc..

If she does not feel the need to seek help, does not even see that she may need it, there is really nothing you can do. It is truly unfortunate that her grandfather has to go through this as well, but sadly that is sometimes the case if someone is having emotionally difficulties. You may never know why....it is likely entirely out of your control.

If you ever thought she would be a danger to herself, perhaps you could seek support that way, but otherwise, it comes down to just being there if she does at some point want to reestablish contact. Does she have any other family members that she keeps in contact with? Any friends that you could trust to speak to you?

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She is in contact with her father who lives up near Edinburgh. Her father did not have a lot to do with the kids when they were young he was not a good father and she even told me when she had her nervouse breakdown that she was scarred of him for years as he had a bad temper, but things were improving. The tables have turned now for some reason she blames me totally for all that hashappened in her life. There is no one else I can contact whom she is in contact with. I did try writing to my ex's wife as my ex is very impulsive and would not help matters but nothing has become of that. Like you say I think its out of my hands I really hope she never has kids of her own then she will realise what she has done.

Charity, I read you past posts, and it seems like nothing has changed, except the heartache keeps building up. For both you and your father.

It would be easier if you had done something terribly wrong that would pinpoint her anger toward you; at least it would be something tangible to work out. But, you are left with only questions and no answers to her accusations.

Because you are asking for advice, this is for you.

Try to get into counselling to learn how to live with forces that are beyond your control. Talking to an unbiased person can help you see that you do not have to live with the guilt she has given you for all her problems, and teach you how to do that.

To say, "Don't let it bother you", won't do any good, you need to learn how to do that.

You could also try keeping a diary. Getting the hurt feelings on paper will help you understand how little control you have, but how much control she has, over your feelings, and your life.

If you have an email address for her, or a postal address, try writing her a letter once a week. That would be your lifeline to her, should she choose to respond. If she does, do not respond to any accusations, rather, concentrate on the ordinary happenings in your life, what you've been up to, etc. Don't dwell on how you feel about what she has done to you, because that will only serve her purpose to have you feel responsible.

Put all the negativity aside, and keep it simple. When she eventually learns that she cannot continue to torture you, she will begin to communicate in a different, more positive way.

As long as you accept her behaviour toward you and she knows how it affects you, she will continue.

You don't know why she is doing this, and you cannot change her. She has to change herself. You can only change how you respond to her.

To let this go on as it is, without being able to separate yourself from her problems, or her perception of you, is a never-ending cycle. You need to change directions here, and learn how to steer the relationship away from her needs, and around to yours.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Charity, I read you past posts, and it seems like nothing has changed, except the heartache keeps building up. For both you and your father.

It would be easier if you had done something terribly wrong that would pinpoint her anger toward you; at least it would be something tangible to work out. But, you are left with only questions and no answers to her accusations.

Because you are asking for advice, this is for you.

Try to get into counselling to learn how to live with forces that are beyond your control. Talking to an unbiased person can help you see that you do not have to live with the guilt she has given you for all her problems, and teach you how to do that.

To say, "Don't let it bother you", won't do any good, you need to learn how to do that.

You could also try keeping a diary. Getting the hurt feelings on paper will help you understand how little control you have, but how much control she has, over your feelings, and your life.

If you have an email address for her, or a postal address, try writing her a letter once a week. That would be your lifeline to her, should she choose to respond. If she does, do not respond to any accusations, rather, concentrate on the ordinary happenings in your life, what you've been up to, etc. Don't dwell on how you feel about what she has done to you, because that will only serve her purpose to have you feel responsible.

Put all the negativity aside, and keep it simple. When she eventually learns that she cannot continue to torture you, she will begin to communicate in a different, more positive way.

As long as you accept her behaviour toward you and she knows how it affects you, she will continue.

You don't know why she is doing this, and you cannot change her. She has to change herself. You can only change how you respond to her.

To let this go on as it is, without being able to separate yourself from her problems, or her perception of you, is a never-ending cycle. You need to change directions here, and learn how to steer the relationship away from her needs, and around to yours.

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Thank you so much for your comments, I have been having counselling for approximately 6months now and she has given me a couple of family groups SPODA and SHED to ring and see if they can help with my problems. I am willing to try anything she has suggested writing letters to her, her father in the past which all fell on 'deaf ears' a letter was even sent to her from my brother/sister in law telling her how ill it was making my dad etc. and there has been no come back from that even, I don't think she even read the letter if she did she must be even more calous than what I thought to ignore that is beyond me too. Thanks again

I'm really happy to hear that you have taken those steps, that's awesome.

Many would have just given up; I admire your dedication to your daughter, regardless of all that has happened.

My mother had a similar thing happen with my older sister. She had moved to the states with a man who she thought was the father of her baby. Well, the baby was born, and she was not the product of a Scottish mother, and a German father! The real father was East Indian.

So, my sister severed all ties with our mother, and myself, and my younger sister. She told her new mother-in-law that my mother was very dark complexioned, thus keeping the truth from everybody, including her new daughter.

This went on for five years, until she separated from her husband, THEN her family was important.

I don't know why people do the things they do, it's like they have some sort of mind altering experience, and throw all that they have known out the window. But when it comes to family, it is so particularly hurtful, because the hurt runs so deep.

Your daughter is still young, and has some maturing to do. Eventually she will come around, and in the meantime, take good care of you.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm really happy to hear that you have taken those steps, that's awesome.

Many would have just given up; I admire your dedication to your daughter, regardless of all that has happend.

My mother had a similar thing happen with my older sister. She had moved to the states with a man who she thought was the father of her baby. Well, the baby was born, and she was not the product of a Scottish mother, and a German father! The real father was East Indian.

So, my sister severed all ties with our mother, and myself, and my younger sister. She told her new mother-in-law that my mother was very dark complexioned, thus keeping the truth from everybody, including her new daughter.

This went on for five years, until she separated from her husband, THEN her family was important.

I don't know why people do the things they do, it's like they have some sort of mind altering experience, and throw all that they have known out the window. But when it comes to family, it is so particularly hurtful, because the hurt runs so deep.

Your daughter is still young, and has some maturing to do. Eventually she will come around, and in the meantime, take good care of you.

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Many thanks for your reply it does help knowing people support me. I have rung SPODA one of the groups I told you about and they are coming to see me next week were quite surprised at all what I have gone through so feeling positive about that. And also I have
Registered for some voluntary work got to try and get my life on track eh. Was really shocked when I read about your sister I just can't imagine how she could have gone to such lengths with her family and like you say it tears the family apart. She has now come back to her family has she but can things be as they were before? I just can't imagine if my daughter did finally want to come back into my life how I would react like you say where families are concerned it hurts so much more. I just can't stop worrying about my father I just hope that if he does try and go to see her that she is not in, I really and truly think it will not do him any good whatsoever for his health. I have also just found out she has changed her phone no and gone ex-directory she is really disturbed to go to such lengths. If ever there is an emergency I'd be stuck.
You take care

I admire you for what you are doing, and I wish my mother had done likewise. She suffered emotionally a great deal, and was worried sick. When there is no reason for it, you're left with a broken heart.

I was surprised that when she did come back into the fold so to speak, there was never any attempt to make anything about the past, right. She just did her own thing and everybody just seemed okay with that, something was better than nothing.

I hope you post again with your progress. Your life is taking on a new direction, and it's a good one! :)

Dear mother from what I have read it's not you it's her . I say let go and let god have his way. I'm a mother of 6 grown kids and I had to learn this myself . We can not always have a perfect relationship with our children for me I have a 27 yr old daughter that is hateful and disrespectful.I did al I could to have a relationship with her and the grand children for years she would use them against me . There where times when I would wonder what happened to her she is so unlike all of her siblings no morals at all .

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I admire you for what you are doing, and I wish my mother had done likewise. She suffered emotionally a great deal, and was worried sick. When there is no reason for it, you're left with a broken heart.

I was surprised that when she did come back into the fold so to speak, there was never any attempt to make anything about the past, right. She just did her own thing and everybody just seemed okay with that, something was better than nothing.

I hope you post again with your progress. Your life is taking on a new direction, and it's a good one!! :)

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Have not been on here for a while as it is a bad time for me April. It was the 10th anniversary of my son's death on the 11th and it is the 11th anniversary of my dear mum on the 22nd. But have to carry on eh have worn myself out keeping busy sorting the house out changing things round throwing things out, hopefully a good thing we'll see.
I like your mum after all the heartache am left with a broken heart which will never heal. I always remember when my son died a friend said to me ' at least you know now nothing can ever hurt you ever again' I thought that was true but do you know what my daughter as done has hurt me far more.
I have been visited by the group SPODA I told you about and they seemed very supportive and are going to see me on a fortnightly basis. All being well I start voluntary work at the local infants school on Wednesday 29th April - helping the children with their reading starting doing just one hour a week and take it from there I am hoping it will do me good make me feel more worthy of myself. I always used to be quite a confident person but have had it knocked out of me so need to get this back for my own sake, my health has also deteriorated over this past year I do have various health problems which are worsened by stress so have to try. I am unable to walk far due to a back problem and have arthritis quite bad, but I try to be determined not to let it grind me down.
My father said to me last week 'you have not had much luck with your family have you'. I know he is worried sick but nothing I can do.

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Originally Posted by ddpatrick

Dear mother from what I have read it's not you it's her . I say let go and let god have his way. I'm a mother of 6 grown kids and I had to learn this myself . We can not always have a perfect relationship with our children for me I have a 27 yr old daughter that is hateful and disrespectful.I did al I could to have a relationship with her and the grand children for years she would use them against me . There where times when I would wonder what happened to her she is so unlike all of her siblings no morals at all .

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Thanks for your reply I do know know its her that is the problem not me but does make things any easier, I learned to let go a lot 2/3 years ago when she was living with her boyfriend as she was all him love is blind eh. I said nothing. I don't want a perfect relationship never have done but just some communication once in a while would be nice to know she was OK.
I was sorry to see you have a problem 27 year old too I know you never get 2 alike, you certainly had your hands full with 6 kids! But having lost 3 children myself now it is very very hard life.

It takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing, and I'm proud of you, both as a mother myself, and a woman. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

I think that the reading program will be a lot of fun. All that energy with the kids is contagious.

One thing I do that might help you, is I keep diaries. Just the little dollar store notebooks. When I get down, particularly about my daughter, I write. The tears come, the feelings get put on paper, and I always feel better afterward, and I fret about her a lot less.

I read these notebooks back every now and then, and realize how far I've come, and how much stronger I am to deal with her issues. It really does help. I wait for my husband to go to bed, and I just switch off the TV, get my notebook out, and spend whatever time I need to write out the thoughts that are bothering me.

I hope you keep posting with your progress, I'd love to know how things are going.

Just a thought. If she is in a deep depression or is getting over a breakdown she may be feeling like she is not good for anyone and may say she is angry at you to cover her real feelings of inadequacy. I could never imagine my kids rejection and not know why. My heart feels for that. If you just give pure love it will come back to you at some point.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

It takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing, and I'm proud of you, both as a mother myself, and a woman. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

I think that the reading program will be a lot of fun. All that energy with the kids is contagious.

One thing I do that might help you, is I keep diaries. Just the little dollar store notebooks. When I get down, particularly about my daughter, I write. The tears come, the feelings get put on paper, and I always feel better afterward, and I fret about her a lot less.

I read these notebooks back every now and then, and realize how far I've come, and how much stronger I am to deal with her issues. It really does help. I wait for my husband to go to bed, and I just switch off the TV, get my notebook out, and spend whatever time I need to write out the thoughts that are bothering me.

I hope you keep posting with your progress, I'd love to know how things are going.

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Hi

It sounds like a really good idea of yours with the notebook, when it first happened with my daughter I used to write letters to her (did not send them of course) but writing things
Down of how I fealt did help sometimes. Would keep them for a while, it is good to write
Your feelings down on paper, but have not done that for a while as things go on I got more
And more upset. I am glad to get April over was 10 years since the loss of my son, thought I might just have heard something from my daughter but no. I have done so much these past few weeks really trying hard to kep myself busy, made a few changes in the house, gone through my house and thrown a lot of stuff away, having been here over 30 years have accumalated rubbish as you can imagine, so that feels good. I have bought some paint and want to decorate - keep looking at it but cannot get myself motivated for that yet. I went to my voluntary job last Wednesday at the local infant school helping the
Children with their reading, I really enjoyed that, so doing that once a week makes me feel useful I think.
I have written (since december) a book of poetry called 'Life through Verse' I have found that very therapeutic for myself, it has come to s stop though through April maybe I shall get back
Into it soon. They are all poems one everyday things in life (wish my life was like that though! ) I can dream eh. I just wish I could have an easy life for a short while, I know most people in life have problems a lot far worse than mine but it does not make your problem go away does it. I think it keeps me going thinking or even hearing about people how sad life can be we have to keep plodding along eh and find different ways of doing so. I hope you are well at the moment and your life is treating you good.