Ask Me Help Desk - I have done the unthinkable

Hello all. This is the first time I have used this website. In fact for the last 5 hours or so I have been Googleing looking for an answer to my problem. I will make this as short as possible but any help would be appreciated.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for just over 4 years. We have been living together for about a year and a half. To make the long story short I cheated on her with a neighbor that lives in the same Apt. building as we do. I told my girlfriend everything that happened right away (as in the night it happened.) And of course she is really mad at me. This happened about a week ago. I have been sleeping on the couch ever scene then. Yesterday I came home from work and she said that we needed to talk. She told me that she could not trust me anymore, and that we could no longer be together. She also said that because we are in an apt. that we are stuck in a lease until December, and that until then we will just be roommates that have to live together. I told her that if that is how she felt then of course I understand, but that I did not want to loose her and that I really want to work on this and hopefully one day move on from there. To my surprise she said OK. But she also said that we needed to move... into a house... to get away from this apt. I really don't think that, that is a good idea just for the fact that if she does decide that we are through, someone is left with a mortgage payment or bad credit or whatever, but I did not tell her that. So what do I do from here?

I really love her and never wanted to hurt her in this way. I really really feel bad about what happened. Friends of mine said that I should never of told her if I really love her, but I don't want to live in a relationship built on lies. Not to mention if I think I can get away with it, then it would be easier to do a second time.

As I have said already, we have been together for just over 4 years. We have worked hard at what we have. I don't want the last 4 years to end. But we have our problems. I mean there is not just this huge problem that we have to some how get over, but other issues. Some of those issues are mine that I have to try to fix, and (I'm not trying to justify my cheating on her) but there are problems of hers that we really need to talk about at some time. Of course I did not tell her that, but at some point we really need to sit down and have a talk, about what we need to do, to make our relationship stronger.

So I guess the cat is out of the bag now, and I'm on the couch. What do you guys think my next step should be. I know that I need to give her time and her space, I just fear that if I give her too much space, that she may not come back. I also don't want to push her and make her get over it, because then she may just run away anyway. So what do I do? Do I try to "move" back into the room? Do I try to talk to her about this? Do I try to give her hugs when she leaves for work? Or do I just keep saying sorry?

Well I hope this is enough info. and I hope it makes scene and it not just a bunch of rambling. Thanks again for any help that someone may be able to provide.

You sleep on the couch, and take your medicine like a man, and be the best roomate anyone ever had. Those are the consequences of your actions, and you take it like a man who knows he has done wrong and wants a second chance. No begging is needed, just honest heartfelt action and patients.

If she doesn't restore your b/f privleges that you screw off, its still your fault.

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but at some point we really need to sit down and have a talk, about what we need to do, to make our relationship stronger.

Not until the emotional dust settles, if she doesn't have the time, and space, to get over your betrayal, and at least appreciate your honesty, this relationship will never get stronger.

Sorry.

talaniman--
Well I know that you are right. I mean that's about all I can do and then just hope for the best. I am just really worried that if things do get back to "normal" that we will just go back to doing the same things that we always did. My point I guess is really in your signature, "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs." That is how it has felt ever scene we moved in with each other. Again I'm not trying to Justify what I have done, but on a list of priorities I'm not on that list. Her family, friends, her dog, and its starting to get to the point that even her co-workers, mean more to her then I do. She will ditch me for any of those people.
When we first moved in, she was working and going to school, and I was just working. Well I knew that she was busy, so I would do all of the cleaning, cook dinner when I got home first, do the dishes, take her dog out, and so on. Well now that the roles are reversed, and I am in school and work, and she is now just working, now nothing gets cleaned, our house is a mess. She has never once taken my dogs, out.
This is just one of the many examples of the double standards that go on in our relationship. And I guess you can only be strong for so long before you break.
Now I wonder if I should try again, keep trying to tell her my frustrations, or if because what I did, just let her continue to live her life the way she does. I don't know, I don't want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to stay where we are now. I really just don't know what to do.

Hi Punished Soul,

Well for starters, there needs to be more communication between you two. You said that you have issues with her that bother you. You need to bring these up to her and talk about them to try and come to an understanding and agreement. It seems like these issues where never addressed, so instead you kept them bottled up, and then cheated, which was completely wrong. I have to say that it was very good on your part that you were honest with her and told her about what you did. But also, you need to follow through and talk about what is on your mind and try and work things out together.

First I will say that the fact you are just on the couch, not on the street is one good sign.

The other perhaps suggest couples counseling

She needs to know that you feel her heartbreak.For however long it takes.

Give her the space she asks for and if you want to kiss her goodbye in the morning ask permission.

Tell her you will do whatever it takes to make things right and mean it.

I think you saying you told her so it would not be so easy for you to relapse into cheating again is plain lame.It sounds like an excuse that you fabricated over time.
I think you told her to assuage your own sense of guilt.

If you expect believability ,you need to be truly honest.

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I just fear that if I give her too much space, that she may not come back.

There is a chance that she can not get over this.Some people truly can't as much as they would like to.She may very well be lost to you already.

Now is not the time for you to discuss your household issues and petty concerns about a messy house.You had an opportunity to do that before you cheated.

Give her space and respect and above all let her know you know her pain.

First to Starlite--
I know that the issues we have need to be talked through, I know that we can't just keep these problems to ourselves, and that is the biggest problem right there. I have tried so many times to tell her what is on my mind. We have gone on long walks and drives, just so we could talk about stuff, and what ends up happening is that I do a lot of talking, until I'm blue in the face, and that is it. I ask her what she thinks, and she just says she doesn't know. I ask her if there is anything that she thinks we need to work on and she says no, as if everything is fine.

Which I guess brings me to my next point. Fr_Chuck more then likely she would have gone to one of her parents house, and I would have been left here to pay the rent (with no couch, because its hers.) Which is anther thing that really gets me. Everything is hers, or mine, but nothing is ours. But anyway, I have been thinking that couples counseling might help us out (which was my other point, I got distracted). Maybe not for what has happened, but how we might be able to communicate better, and give each other feedback, and who knows it may help.

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Originally Posted by artlady

I think you saying you told her so it would not be so easy for you to relapse into cheating again is plain lame.It sounds like an excuse that you fabricated over time.
I think you told her to assuage your own sense of guilt.

I think you miss understand what I meant. Of course I told her because I felt guilty, If I didn't feel guilty then I would not of told her in the first place, and our relationship would mean nothing at all. My point was that if I were to keep it a secrete and never tell her, and assuming that she never found out, what would keep me for do it again. It would be easier to betray someone the second time and even easier the third time.

She is forgiving.. I will give her that. If my girlfirend had done something like that.. she would have been out..

I hate cheaters.

You say you worked hard at what you had? HA it didn't take much to mess it up did it.

This is what makes me laugh about your typ of personality..
And it really is..

Im only as Faithful as my Options, the fact that you are even looking in other places.. let alone sleeping with hem. Shows you already have left this relationship.

You say nothing is ours? Well F##$ me I'm glad that happened. Can you imagen the mess you would be in now? Or she for that matter

She sounds like a smart women.. well.. besides letting you stay on the sofa,

My advice leave the poor girl. Be a man and go.. you know what.. I didn't have the balls to tell her.. that I was loseing feelings for her. Until after I sleept with that hot chick in my aprtment..

But yeah I'm going to be a man and leave this relationship.

I mean it sounds like you are unhappy anyway.. in it before you even cheated on her.. so what's the point of trying to fix something when you are scared of going back to the way it was?
There are deeper issues here I don't think you can see.

From what I read.. you was sad.. in the relationship before. You was not getting what you really wanted. So. When that girl came along you got her. Simple as that.

Couples counseling?? What a load of old S#%#

This is your problem, you caused it. Take your punishment like a man, every time you roll off the couch, or wake up with a sore back, let that be a reminder to "not think with the little head"

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Originally Posted by Punished soul

I think you miss understand what I meant. Of course I told her because I felt guilty, If I didn't feel guilty then I would not of told her in the first place, and our relationship would mean nothing at all. My point was that if i were to keep it a secrete and never tell her, and assuming that she never found out, what would keep me for do it again. It would be easier to betray someone the second time and even easier the third time.

I do not get your logic here at all.
Does the guilt not come from the act itself or the repercussions of being caught?

What should keep you from doing it again is a sense of honor toward your girl and not the fact that you don't want to be punished again.

Take it like a man, and be happy with yourself that you told her what happened. Your conscience is clean, and that should tell her a lot about your character.

Treat her well, and give her some time, time heals. Everything will turn out allright. You will see.

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Punished soul;1628567,
Well I know that you are right. I mean that's about all I can do and then just hope for the best. I am just really worried that if things do get back to "normal" that we will just go back to doing the same things that we always did

.
You have problems to be dealt with, for sure, but you handled them in a destructive way, and have made the other problems seem secondary now. Forget them, and deal with what's right in front of you. Exile! What actions will you take about that?? Nothing you can do? Incorrect, so think about it.

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My point I guess is really in your signature, "Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs." That is how it has felt ever scene we moved in with each other.

Your on to something, did you make yourself a priority, or did you expect her to do that for you? More on this later in this post.

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Again I'm not trying to Justify what I have done, but on a list of priorities I'm not on that list. Her family, friends, her dog, and its starting to get to the point that even her co-workers, mean more to her then I do. She will ditch me for any of those people.

She didn't ditch you, she was busy and enjoying herself. My question would be why didn't you? That's right, not enough attention. But that goes to you not making yourself a priority, whether anyone else does or not, that goes for the dog too. Been there, done that, and didn't have to cheat, because I appreciated myself, and have never held anyone responsible for my happiness.

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When we first moved in, she was working and going to school, and I was just working. Well I knew that she was busy, so I would do all of the cleaning, cook dinner when I got home first, do the dishes, take her dog out, and so on.

That's great, if you did it from the heart, I give you a point and a doggie bone for doing what you thought was needed to have a good environment.

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Well now that the roles are reversed, and I am in school and work, and she is now just working, now nothing gets cleaned, our house is a mess.

So, did you really expect her to act like you did, and do things the way you did?? Yes you did, and got dissapointed when she didn't meet your own expectations. What did you do about it?? That's what I want to know?

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She has never once taken my dogs, out.

Confused, she has a dog, and you have dogS??

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This is just one of the many examples of the double standards that go on in our relationship. And I guess you can only be strong for so long before you break.

You allowed the double standard by not speaking on it and having the proper actions behind it. You didn't break under pressure, you had the wrong plan of action, that was executed poorly, and sorry guy, selfishly. (cheaters are always VERY selfish, and amazingly very needy) Don't buck your eyes, that's you. The good news is, your not entirely to blame, just your part of it.

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Now I wonder if I should try again, keep trying to tell her my frustrations, or if because what I did, just let her continue to live her life the way she does. I don't know,

I got news for you, she is entitled to live her life any way. As are you. The difference you need to know about is in my signature below the one you quoted. That's what healthy couples do, and while your talking to her, she is living her life, and you are not. Yeah, I can understand your guilt, but applaud the honesty, but what really needs to happen is for you to use your exile to reevaluate yourself, your actions, and do you have the right plan, that stresses honest expression, communications, and working together. Think about it.

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I don't want to go back to the way things were. I don't want to stay where we are now. I really just don't know what to do.

Again, read the second quote in my signature and focus on you doing for yourself, and not expecting someone to do it for you. The good thing about know what you need to be happy, you can also identify what doesn't and rethink your plan of action, so as not to repeat bad behavior, or diminish yourself by it.

This exile should make you think, and be a better listener, because one thing is obvious, your partner sees nothing wrong on her part, and honestly, besides ignoring responsibility to you (and your dogs) she is just fine, and sees no problem. Take a hint, don't look for someone to make you a priority, thats really your job. (questions anyone???)

Now its my turn, if your still awake,

How old are you both?

How many dogs?

When is the lease up?