Ask Me Help Desk - New Relationship - How not to mess it up?

To start of, I just want to say that this site helped me many times when I had problems and it's great to know there are people out there that would spend couple of minutes just to help someone out. So thank you all for that.

Basically, I have a small problem... and it's mainly with my way of thinking because of what I've been through with the past relationships etc. To sumarize it: 1. Long term relationship, got cheated on, idiot took her back, then got cheated again, then she moved to another country... luckily on that one.
2. Another relationship, we were living together, then she fell in love with someone else, and left... again to another country.

After that I didn't have anything serious, however my sex drive went down to 0. I had so many chances but was just not interested... probably depression or something. That lasted for about 2 years.

Which brings us to current status. I fell in love with my friend... I've known her for a while and 3 months ago it just hit me. We dated for the past months and it was just awsome. There are couple of issues... and like I said, it's mainly in my head... so I just need some help as far as how to overcome this.

Problem 1: After 2 months... she was ready to have sex with me... Everything was great at the beginning... Then when it came the time for me to actually do it, I lost it. I think it was the fear of not being able to perform, or something stupid. This girl get's me excited every time I see her... and I get errection all the time when with her, she sees it and knows it, but when it came time to do it... gone.

Problem 2: I thought that after 2 years, I would overcome these fears, but I guess I didn't. I'm afraid of losing her. I don't know how to not worry about stuff like that... How do I just not worry and not actually fulfill the damn Self-fullfiling prophecy of having her cheat on me or leaving me? She was in love with the guy from another country... and the other day I actidentaly saw missed call on her phone from him... So that could be good that she didn't answer, but still... I don't know how not to worry about it. My 2 greatest fears.

Problem 3: This is not actually a problem, but I'm just wandering about it... I see her almost every day... and mostly by her choice, which is fine with me. But How do I make sure she doesn't loose interest or actually make her miss me. I mean, I want to see her all the time, just like she does me, but I know that if you have something all the time, you'll get sick of it... So advice there?

I know this is kind of long, but it's just on my mind... So thank you all for reading...

Thanks again.

Problem 1: Just explain to her your feelings about the situation, she will appreciate your honesty and will try to understand your thinking. Communication solves 99% of all relationships problems

Problem 2: You just have to let go of the notion that she will cheat on you. It's basically like playing poker, sometimes you go all in and get burned but sometimes you win it all. I am like you, I got cheated on by both of my serious girlfriends so when I got into my relationship with my now fiancé, I had that constant fear but then I just let it go. If they are going to cheat, they will do it regardless of what you do to prevent it. Most women are not out to hurt you, just have to give them the love, respect and honesty that you wish for them to give to you.

Problem 3: You will eventually get into a rut, it's inevitable, happens to EVERYONE but that's where your greatest strength comes into play for your relationship. You will come out of that rut stronger and more in love than before. Seeing each other everyday isn't good, but isn't always bad. You seem so set on the idea this relationship will fail. Perhaps you need to take a few days off from seeing her and see if your feelings change. I think she's really into you man, just give it a chance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robert7x

Problem 1: After 2 months... she was ready to have sex with me... Everything was great at the begining... Then when it came the time for me to actually do it, i lost it. I think it was the fear of not being able to perform, or something stupid. This girl get's me excited every time i see her... and i get errection all the time when with her, she sees it and knows it, but when it came time to do it... gone.

This is not surprising at all. You might have been able to get your problems out of your conscious thought but they stay in your subconscious and fester. You need to talk to your new girlfriend and be really honest with her. It will be difficult to do this considering how you have been hurt in the past but you can't let the b!tched that hurt you own your life anymore, take it back and live it, it's yours! No one can take your power unless you let them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robert7x

Problem 2: I thought that after 2 years, i would overcome these fears, but I guess i didn't. I'm afraid of loosing her. I don't know how to not worry about stuff like that... How do I just not worry and not actually fullfill the damn Self-fullfiling prophecy of having her cheat on me or leaving me? She was in love with the guy from another country... and the other day i actidentaly saw missed call on her phone from him... So that could be good that she didn't answer, but still... I don't know how not to worry about it. My 2 greatest fears.

Some horrible thoughtless person cheated on you. Years ago. It's time to get over it. The only way that you can do this is to man up and let this woman, a trusted friend, into your heart. The reason why trust is so hard is because it takes faith. Unfortunately you are going to have to take a leap of faith. It's hard, probably the hardest thing to do! but it's worth it when you reep the rewards. If you believe you love this woman you have to trust her. End of. If you can't you, and her are in for a lot of pain ahead, my friend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robert7x

Problem 3: This is not actually a problem, but i'm just wandering about it... I see her almost every day... and mostly by her choice, which is fine with me. But How do I make sure she doesn't loose interest or actually make her miss me. I mean, i want to see her all the time, just like she does me, but i know that if you have something all the time, you'll get sick of it... So advice there?

Stop trying to play games!! They are juvenile and futile. If this girl is going to lose interest, then she's going to. Nothing you do, worrying or fretting, is going to change that. Sometimes we have to just trust someone that they are going to love us as much as we love them. It's not easy but it's what a relationship is all about. If you aren't able to trust her you need to re-evaluate your ability to be in a relationship.

Communication, trust and love are the cornerstones of a good relationship. They don't come easy. They take work, on both sides. But as I have said the rewards are endless. And do you know what? Even if it all turns out sh!t, well you can commend yourself for being the best you can possibly be and know that you have lived your life to the full, taking the chances even when they are hard. Follow your heart. As you know, sometimes that leads to hurt but what is the alternative? Giving up? Not an option - your better than that.

Thanks a lot. Those are some great points you both made. I understand everything you said and sometimes all you need is someone else to point these facts out to you.

Thank you.

1-Any erectile dysfunction has to start with ruling out any physical causes, and that's what doctors are for, so get a check up!

2-I can see where your past baggage, and her being contacted by her ex, would bring back some really bad feelings. Honestly express that, in a calm way. This is something you need reassurance on, to prevent holding that fear in, and letting it play tricks on your mind, Or your body.

3-Your insecurities, and fear will dictating your actions if you let them. That will make you needy, and unattractive. While I am an advocate of a balanced life, I don't think you have that and are way to available and willing to go along rather than contribute or speak your peace. Actions fueled by fear alone, never works.

Show some courage, by taking a risk of being hurt, and love yourself enough to help yourself.

I know how you feel. It seems like you like this girl a lot and you don't want to mess things up or lose her but at the same time it seems you have a guard up to protect yourself so you don't get hurt again. Believe me I know the feeling except with me I get hurt and I feel like it's the end of the world and a few months pass and I let the next jerk in and he hurts me to and its just a never ending cycle. I don't know if its me or maybe I'm just choosing the wrong guys. And with the sex situation it could be that your not ready to go there with her yet and that is fine but take it one day at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself and things will fall into place. Sorry this is so long. Hope it helps a little. :)