We have been dating for almost one year. Things are great. We have talked about getting married and having kids sometime in the future. His mother loves me, what can I say. The only problem is, he is never in the mood. I try kissing his neck or touching him in 'certain way'. I throw myself at him and he still won't get the hint. I was his first girlfriend and his first sexual experience. Everything is good except our sex life. I don't know what to do. I ask if its me, and he says that we have become more than just sex, I told him, I have needs to. Some one please help me.

gary chapman says there are five "love languages"... ways in which a partner shows devotion to the other...

they are
physical touch (sensual and sexual)
acts of service (doing things for others)
words of affirmation (kind compliments)
quality time (time spent together connecting)
and gifts (giving to please another)

most people lean toward one or two of these, but the best relationships are when its balanced out among all of these. Still... its good to know what you value most and what your partner values most. I'm a physical touch and words of affirmation guy and my partner is a quality time and words of affirmation woman.

some people are vested in certain areas more than others... for ex, I rank physical touch high on the list... I don't need an orgasm to know my lover needs me, but sensual touch and a real connection is absolutely important to me. No apologies.

my lover needs quality time. This might mean being next to her, even if we aren't connecting physically or mentally... just being near her after a long day is important to her.

so... you might be incompatible sexually or sensually.

it isn't wrong to say "hes a great guy but..."... too many people push sensual needs aside as if its just a silly little thing. It isn't.

I can't tell you what to do. Sexual and sensual compatibility are things to consider... my experience is that it only gets harder to connect in time... children, God bless them, strain sensual relationship... time makes the new more familiar and discovered...

so...

no easy answer here.

long term relationships take work. Often it is deliberate work. If you find yourself doing all the heavy lifting where sex is concerned, it's a real, honest, red flag.

you most likely need to be chased a little. If he doesn't have it in him, you have to choose.

if you choose to stay, you don't get to complain.

if you choose to leave, you know its because he didn't have enough overlap with you, no matter how "good" he was to you...

sorry you are in this place. Wish I had a better answer.

Maybe he's a virgin and he doesn't want to tell you lol

Oo of course that's the only part I didn't see.. well maybe he wasn't ready and he still feels uncomfortable

You have an amazing guy, somebody who truly wants more than just a sex thing, something most girls would kill for (or at least should want) and you're saying it's a bad thing. Sure you have needs, all of us do including him, but he seems to genuinely care. If you love him you should respect his wishes to hold off on sex and wait to get married before you have regular sex. And just be thankful you don't have a pig who loves you for sex, not for you.

-Mouse

Maybe the guy is just not ready, ask him what he thinks of your relationship, and he will probably say you need to slow down. I know people who have been together 3 years and haven't had sex. Don't loose heart find out what the problem is he might even have one of those private infections!

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Originally Posted by GNL685

maybe he's a virgin and he doesn't want to tell you lol

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I did say his first girl friend and his first sexual experience. He isn't avirgen anymore. I was his first.

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Originally Posted by A mouse

You have an amazing guy, somebody who truly wants more than just a sex thing, something most girls would kill for (or at least should want) and you're saying it's a bad thing. Sure you have needs, all of us do including him, but he seems to genuinely care. If you love him you should respect his wishes to hold off on sex and wait to get married before you have regular sex. And just be thankful you don't have a pig who loves you for sex, not for you.

-Mouse

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I know what you are saying, and I understand. He is great. Hes the best thing to come into my world, but try to put yourself in my shoes. He won't touch me, he won't kiss me deeply, he won't play around sexually. And if you ask me, sex is a very important part in a relationship. Its not like I ask for it everyday, we see each other every weekend, because we live in opposite sides of town. Some weekends we don't do much, just relax and watch movies, I'm fine, don't complain. But other weekends I need my man, but he won't budge

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Originally Posted by katiesxx

maybe the guy is just not ready, ask him what he thinks of your relationship, and he will probably say you need to slow down. i know people who have been together 3 years and haven't had sex. dont loose heart find out what the problem is he might even have one of those private infections!

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He asked me to be his first, so I was. We had sex before. Since we got together, just once I can recall when he was the one to throw me to the bed and ask me for sex, other than that, its all me.

Maybe now that he's had a taste of sex he wants to do it with someone else

Well... once you get past the "new bf/gf" period, where everything is larger than life, where you don't know your lovers taste, smell, sounds, etc... once you get past that "honeymoon" period you often revert back to your "basal" state of sexual need...

Which means simply that your drive might be stronger than his naturally. That the sex you have early on is often driven by the "unknown" factor... heightened by the desire to experience that which you have not experienced.

Most relationships go through this... an early heightened frequency or intensity that might drop off long term.

That doesn't mean he is right or you are right.

It means that this is the time to think about compatibility. Sexual compatibility is certainly something to think about, without any shame.

And perhaps he is just more intense during the chase, and not so much after the "capture"...

That doesn't mean you need to settle for this. It doesn't mean he is right. It doesn't mean he is wrong.

But it does mean this... at some point you either accept this or you walk away. You can talk to him. Work with him. Lead him. But in the end if you are doing all the heavy lifting... if he isn't willing to chase you as you need to be chased, if he isn't willing to initiate sex or sensual touch as you desire... then you know where you stand.

You might be with a "great guy" who is willing to let you suffer alone.

Sex is not everything in a relationship, but I think sex and sensual touch is one of the primary connections that need to be tended to... and even if both people aren't on the same page, there needs to be, at least, some middle ground.

In the end... if you choose to stay, you accept this. You cannot choose to be with him and complain about this over and over. If you stay, you accept how he is.

And if you leave, you need to understand that this is just one aspect of a complete relationship. You need to think about what is most important to you and what you can compromise on.

Its very possible to love a person you cannot be with. Its possible to have a great sexual connection to someone you cannot be with. Its possible to love someone dearly who just doesn't get you physically.

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Originally Posted by GNL685

maybe now that he's had a taste of sex he wants to do it with someone else

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I thought that too, but he says he only wants me. That he doesn't want to be with anyone else. Like I mentioned on top, we are thinking about a future together. I don't know, I don't know what to think. I feel like, if I'm not what gets him going, when he finds it, I'm out the pick.

You better talk now, and honestly evaluate your future together, because even though you don't live together, this is a preview of what he may be like as a spouse.

He may think sex is not that important, but if you do, that's a conflict to be resolved, before the resentments deepen.

They will.