Ok, I'm new to this site so not sure how this will turn out, but here goes...

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years who I loved with all my heart has kicked me out and ended it. Big deal hey? Well, yes! We'd talked about marriage, kids, the whole lot. I was with him since I was 17. I gave up my job, friends and family in Essex to move with him to London (and not even a NICE part of London) so that he could pursue his dream of owning his own pub.
He's always been a bit jealous, he nearly knocked some bloke out once because he looked down my top! But he was a good guy really and he loved me.
THEN... my world ended when we had another blazing row 2 weeks ago. He didn't hit me but he picked me up by my throat, gave me a few bruises, and sent me packing saying we just don't want the same things in life. The row was over nothing in particular, we were both drunk.
And now here I am, 2 weeks on, stuck at my parents house. I'm still crying myself to sleep, hardly eating. I know there are people out there with HUGE problems that make mine seem so small, but I just can't get over the love of my life. I want him back, I need him back. I've had boyfriends before, so I know what its like to split up with someone... but this is different. I don't feel complete without him and I don't think I can get on with my life.
I just want him back... any suggestions?

You may want him back, but do you honestly really want to be in an abusive relationship. If you do then go back and you will get abused more. If you want to get into a relationship that is not abusive. You will forget about this person and move on. It is not really worth it.

I agree with Joe. This relationship was abusive. I know you love him, I understand that, I have been in love before myself, and it ended also. But if anyone ever puts a hand on you that you do not want it is considered abuse.

He bruised you. Here in the U.S. if there is a mark left on your body he would be put in jail.

You say you were both drunk, but did you know that alcohol brings out the "real" personality? If this is what he is like now, then imagine his actions tenfold, that is what the future holds in this relationship.

You are in a grieving process, and that is normal. You will have good days and bad days, but... at least you will have days. You may not have any days if you stay with him.

Face it, he picked you up by your throat, he choked you? This action could have ended your life, whether he was trying to or not. Is that how you want to live? I didn't think so.

It is time to focus on yourself and only yourself. Yes, it will be a while before you trust anyone, but, this was totally unhealthy and you are in a safer place now.

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Originally Posted by Lianne20

Ok, I'm new to this site so not sure how this will turn out, but here goes...

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years who I loved with all my heart has kicked me out and ended it. Big deal hey? Well, yes! We'd talked about marriage, kids, the whole lot. I was with him since I was 17. I gave up my job, friends and family in Essex to move with him to London (and not even a NICE part of London) so that he could pursue his dream of owning his own pub.
He's always been a bit jealous, he nearly knocked some bloke out once coz he looked down my top! But he was a good guy really and he loved me.
THEN.....my world ended when we had another blazing row 2 weeks ago. He didn't hit me but he picked me up by my throat, gave me a few bruises, and sent me packing saying we just don't want the same things in life. The row was over nothing in particular, we were both drunk.
And now here I am, 2 weeks on, stuck at my parents house. I'm still crying myself to sleep, hardly eating. I know there are people out there with HUGE problems that make mine seem so small, but I just can't get over the love of my life. I want him back, I need him back. I've had boyfriends before, so I know what its like to split up with someone...but this is different. I don't feel complete without him and I don't think I can get on with my life.
I just want him back....any suggestions?

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Dear Lianne,

I can't see how heartbroken you are. I know it hurts, I know it sucks feeling down and crying for a loved one.
But do you honestly think your tears are worth his while?
Do you want this guy who bare in mind... kicked YOU out after he picked you up by the throat and gave you bruises.
You spoke about kids.. just what if he turns violent towards them or even towards you in front of your kids.

I would count this as a blessing. You probably won't understand this now but in the future you will.
You are young with a full life ahead of you.
Remember a man who lays his hands on a woman is a man with no self-respect, and if someone can't respect themselves how can you expect him to respect anyone else.

You are right in this is not the usual heartache. I intend for this to shock you a bit because you need it. You have been plucked from the path that leads to the battered spouse syndrome and been given a Wake Up Call. I am not being overly dramatic here. This is exactly how it starts. Please do yourself a big favor and look into it. Given what I saw in your post, you are way too likely to go back to him or find another just like him. This is a very very serious thing. You need to look at you immediately and how you made it okay to abuse you. Abuse is not okay, ever. What's with being drunk too? Not often, I hope. If you don't alter your course, you'll end up there and trapped. It is a whole lot easier to get there than you might think. I know how this works-- I am one of the lucky few who made it out.

Couldn't spread it Val but you gave very good advice. From the heart.

I don't know if this is the first time, but I know it really gets confusing when someone hurts you for the first time... it is a shock, and then to be thrown out... and broken up at the same time... there is going to be a lot of confusion. I am so sorry... but really... you are young and have a great heart to find someone who loves you and appreciates you for who you are... and cares about YOUR dreams as much as his own... never give up your whole life for someone until you true commitment, not just words...
I wish you a lot of luck... and I hope your girlfriends understand and can help you through this, you are going to need them A LOT!

Hi I'm 21 and when I was also 17, I was also in a abusive relationship. He ended it by starting seeing someone else and I was really heartbroken. I didn't think I could ever get over it, but I did and met someone who was the total opposite. When I look back know I think WHY? Why did I ever stay with him? What did I ever see in him?
Ask yourself does he deserve you?

I'm not sure getting him back is necessarily a good move. He's a violent person. He left bruises on you once. It'd only be a matter of time before he did something more severe to you. You also say "he nearly knocked some bloke out once coz he looked down your top." Being protective of you is one thing but resorting to violence is something else. I don't know about the UK but here in the US something like that could get a saloon owner in a lot of trouble and put his liquor license in jeopardy. I'd think long and hard about this one. It seems like a blessing in disguise that he ended your relationship. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a violent person?

Thanks for the replies... everything you all said is totally right and I know that. All my mates have been telling me the same things, they've even said "go to the police girl, get him done for assult" but I didn't want to make him suffer, or ruin his career (even though he deserves it!).
Okay, I admit it, each day is getting a tiny bit easier, but I'm still pining for him and I know I'm a fool... I'd take him back if he asked me. But he's made it clear he won't, so that's a good thing right? He admitted he's an arsehole and he said he doesn't deserve me and that I'll find someone who's 100 times better. I was just so used to spending every single night with him, it's hard not having someone to cuddle! To be honest, I haven't even had time to think about what he did, I've just been thinking of how much I miss him, and of all the good times we shared.
I've also lost my job because I didn't turn up for a few days after it all happened. So now I'm thinking of college, getting myself a career that I actually enjoy instead of being a boring secretary! So I'm going to try and just get on with my life and forget about him, have fun, go out, meet new people...
I'd forgive him and go back to him if he asked, but if he did lay another finger on me I'd be OUT of there like a shot. Honest!

For each thing you say to yourself about missing him, think about one thing that you don't like about him... sounds like there are a lot of things that should be in your mind besides missing him... yeah its normal to miss him, but you need to remember why you are not with him...

You are also so young.
Im assumin you are only 20. You have a full life ahead of you, don't get attached to an a**hole.

I know id rather be alone then with a women beater!

WHY on eart hwould you ever want anything to do with an ABUSIVE JERK??

MY GOD!! HE DID YOU A MASSIVE HUGE FAVOR!! YOUR FREE!! FREE FROM AN ABUSIVE JERK WHO WOULD RUIN YOUR LIFE!!

WAKE UP!! YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY!!

RUN FROM THIS GUY RUN!!

But you do have issues - go see a therapist... LET ME GUESS? LOW SELFESTEEM.

You say you would go back to him in a heartbeat, then you say you would leave him if he ever put another finger on you, right?

Well, I may sound like Val here, maybe not as eloquent in my wording, but here goes...

This is what every abused woman says. This is the very beginning of a co-dependent/abusive relationship, a VERY viscious circle.

Every woman who is abused says that their man is sorry and that he will never do it again. So they stay, they get hurt again, they say he is sorry and he will never do it again, if he does they will leave, but he is sorry so she goes back. Then he hits her again, he says he is sorry he will never do it again, if he does she will leave, but he is sorry and will never do it again, so she goes back. Then he hits her again...

Do you get my point? Some women die living this circle because he will not hit her again, but this last time was the last time and he has choked and killed her. Now do you get my point?

I too am assuming you are 20, you are at a very impressionable and vulnerable age. Going back to college is a great idea, works well for self-esteem too. I did it at 38 years old and have never felt better about myself.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

WHY on eart hwould you ever want anything to do with an ABUSIVE JERK???

MY GOD!!! HE DID YOU A MASSIVE HUGE FAVOR!!!! YOUR FREE!!!! FREE FROM AN ABUSIVE JERK WHO WOULD RUIN YOUR LIFE!!!!

WAKE UP!!! YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY!!!

RUN FROM THIS GUY RUN!!!

But you do have issues - go see a therapist....LET ME GUESS? LOW SELFESTEEM.

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You know if all caps and a half dozen exclamation points doesn't do it for you, you can bold, underline, and increase the font size too.

*smells the sarcasm in the air*


Lianne,

What our relationship expert lacks in tact and courtesy he makes up for in the message, hidden down there in the angst of having to deal with people that frustrate him on an hourly basis apparently.

You never knew you had a problem before and now you are having a hard time dealing with the reality you thought you had (great guy, both vested in the relationship) and the reality that you have now discovered (physically threatening, he's done). Despite what was posted here, don't feel like a failure because you just can't throw an emotional switch and turn on all the feelings you have had.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to live with them for some time, and even accept them. You feel bad. You miss him (the him that was fun to be with for so long). All reasonable feelings.

You need to define yourself outside of a relationship. I know when you're in a great one that its easy to take pride in it, and sometimes lose yourself in it. Its comforting. But, I think you lost yourself here a bit. I speak from experience, as I also changed some of my life plans when I was young 20's for a girl, and when it all fell apart (after also talking about marriage, etc) I found that id made all my plans around her. Big oops.

Its better when a relationships bridges between you having your own life and another person who also independently has their own life. Sure, you make concessions and such, but I think you went a little too far too soon. Most people have a serious relationship crash and burn somewhere along the way. You learn from it as best you can, take the good and look for it again, and figure out how to avoid the mistakes again.

I'm guessing this guy was starting to drift away from the relationship (it happens, esp when younger) and he was also feeling guilty about potentially hurting you. That unfortunately made him lash out. I think that's a big warning sign that you cannot just write off as his being drunk.

So... all you can do is pick yourself up everyday. Its going to hurt for some time, and it will also get better in time. There was a point when I thought id never get over feeling crappy about not being with my ex, even though I was the one who ultimately did the final break. Took a LONG time and was boring. But it got better. It will for you too.

Here, to take from our expert - IT WILL!!

I'm very sure you can see where this is going I can only add get help for your problems because staying in an abusive relationship is very unhealthy and dangerous.

Thanks again.

I don't have issues. I don't need a therapist. I'm just young and I was in love. Too in love!

I'm trying my very best to forget this bloke. It's just one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I'm 100% positive that I'll have to face problems in life that will make this seem like nothing, so with help from my friends (and you lot of course!) I'm trying to realise that he'll never change and that I should move on.

I'm going to do it and I won't look back.

Its great to hear you are moving on. And college is a very worthy path to take as I am a big fan of self improvement - so good for you! Please just bear in mind, if you manage to acquire another hitter next time, it is the pattern just like we've suggested and what we are talking about is real. If you have the mindset of someone who completes the other half of an abusive relationship (and I am NOT saying you do, okay?) then that will likely be who you attract. Should you need help again, we'll be here. Let's hope not! Do consider giving yourself a something of a break from the guys though... it pays in more ways than I can count.

You can always look back on it but not do it again :). We learn from our mistakes. We shed tears because we knew we are heartbroken from doing something we shouldn't have done. It's part of human nature. Learn, forgive, forget, love, nurture, and trust. I think you'll be just fine. I don't like having the idea of just forgetting about men. They are always part of you. They evolve around you. The way to do it. Is just have fun and enjoy while it last. Don't worry about your future you're still very young. Finish school. Have fun. Once done. Then you can settle anytime.

Personally, I believe we can learn and forgive, but if we forget then we have not learned our lesson.

NEVER forget, only forgive. If you forget then you will be brought right back around to the same circle. DO NOT forget, only remember that this is a circumstance you do not want in the future.