Hi Everyone,

I have borderline personality disorder, and I am unintentially pushing my boyfriend away. He is thinking about moving out of our apt. because he can't deal with my behavior anymore. He has been so supportive and has gone to counceling with me to try and understand more of what BPD is and how to deal with me. But, he is at his wits end. I don't want to lose him; I am working like hell to get better; but anytime I slip and have an episode, it makes him so frustrated which I don't blame him. He is miserable with us lately; again I don't blame him. I want to get better so badly, and I know it won't happen overnight. But is there a way for him to better understand how people with BPD act and why we can't be more resiliant with out dark thoughts? He is having a hard time understanding the way my mind works, which I do too.

If there is anyone that can explain why BPD's act the way they do, and how they get through this I would really appreciate it. I've read hundreds of articles and books as to what BPD is, but why do we act this way and why do we have to constantly look for reassurance from our partners?

Thanks, Karen

Karen,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I was in somewhat a similar situation as you to where my ex left me.
Getting better doesn't happen overnight but be confident and tell yourself you will get better, for yourself and for the ones you love.

I just think we look for reassurance from our partners because they are going through "this" with us. They are a part of us, and they feel our pain as well, and we look to them for guidance, love, reassurance, etc.

Just take a look at yourself and say "I will get better, and I am making a change for myself."

Gerry

Hi Gerry,

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. If I may ask, do you have BPD as well? If so, how long did it take you to get/feel better?

Thanks again,
Karen

Karen,
Actually all I had was a simple chemical imbalance, though the medication they prescribed me actually made me have BPD symptoms.

Honestly once I got off the medication and started taking Zoloft my life, feelings, everything basically started getting better. SO basically a month. The only thing now is I'm praying that my ex forgives me because it wasn't my fault, it was the medicine.

Also try this, it's something I'm going to start saying if I have another episode with my ex (if we ever get back together) or if I ever fall in love again.

When you have an episode before you two fight say "I apologize for _________. You must feel so alone and unloved" Or something along those lines. It's better when you communicate and understand their feelings before you jump to conclusions. Does that make any sense?

Hi Gerry,

That is beautiful, I will definatley say that. I really appreciate your advise!

Have you spoken to your ex? Are they being receptive to you?

Karen,
You are welcome for the advice. I appreciate that I could and can help you. You seem like a great person with just an imbalance. A simple road block which you can find a detour around.

About my ex. No we haven't spoken, I called on Monday and sent her a text yesterday just saying "Have a great day, smile, and be the best you can be." She didn't respond to me whatsoever. I also emailed her over the weekend about my situation (because she didn't know it was the medicine that was making me worse.) Though she hasn't responded to me. If you read the email, you might cry. My mother read it and said "For being 27, you know what really matters in life" and she started crying.

I was doing great, but today I thought way too much about her, had a break down, and now I'm home, I can't get a grip on anything today. SO I'm in bed... awesome.

Hi Gerry,

I'm so sorry sweetie, believe me I know what you are going through. None of this is your fault at all. This was the medicine, and even though you are hurting and missing her so much, you will get past this, I promise. Hopefully she will wake up and realize that the meds made you act in a not so pleasant way. If she doesn't respond, the best thing you can do is to go completely no contact (NC). This will give you the power and energy to focus on yourself, and become stronger. You will then find someone who will love you and support you the way you love and support them. If she isn't willing to hear you, honey, you deserve so much better.

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Hi Gerry,

I'm so sorry sweetie, believe me I know what you are going through. None of this is your fault at all. This was the medicine, and even though you are hurting and missing her so much, you will get past this, I promise. Hopefully she will wake up and realize that the meds made you act in a not so pleasant way. If she doesn't respond, the best thing you can do is to go completely no contact (NC). This will give you the power and energy to focus on yourself, and become stronger. You will then find someone who will love you and support you the way you love and support them. If she isn't willing to hear you, honey, you deserve so much better.

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Now you just made me get tears in my eyes.
Everyone has told me the same thing as you "if she's not going to respond to your email, you need just to drop her. You are so much better than that."

I sit back and wonder all the time I helped her out, when they towed her car for not paying her tickets, when she was going to get evicted, when she couldn't pay her bills, even when she went through her battle with depression, I stuck by her side. Through her jealous rages, through everything. I get hit with this imbalance and the medicine makes me lose control and what happens, she ends up bailing cause she can't handle me being emotionally unstable. Then I know her history, so I figured she can't be alone, and my friends say that she has been on match.com It just kills me knowing that some people are like that. She needs to grow, and work on herself big time, but I wanted to be there growing with her.

I know I deserve better, but honestly I thought "this was it." Because I loved her, through all her flaws, I would have stuck by her side until the day we both passed onto another life.

I know hon. You were great to her, and you loved her, and still do. But, and I know this is hard, take a few mental steps back and look at this again: You were there for her through thick and thin. Then you really needed her when you were in a dark place, and she left. I don't mean to be brash, but that was absolutely heartless on her part. And extremely shallow. She sounds very immature, and really does need to grow up.

It's OK to be brash, if you weren't I would know you weren't telling me the truth. Everyone has their opinions about her, I'm the only one that puts her on a pedestal.

I've had 3 long relationships my whole life. Though this one was different, she needed me more than anything. Maybe that's why I can't let her go. My motto was "some people tend to get attracted to people who need fixing, because they need to fix something in themselves."

Did I need to go through this to figure out what I really want... or need in my life?

BTW how are you and your BF doing?

Thanks Gerry,

Things are OK. Last weekend I had an episode and flipped out, and he was just about ready to walk out the door. He didn't though. He said that he wants to talk to my therapist alone tomorrow (Friday) for a bit about things. I asked him if he was going to talk to him about breaking up with me, and he said no. He said "Stop going backwards with your thoughts. Face it, you are stuck with me". Which made me feel so good and so lucky. I just feel so guilty about what I am putting him through, and I really hope he doesn't break up with me.

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Thanks Gerry,

Things are ok. Last weekend I had an episode and flipped out, and he was just about ready to walk out the door. He didn't though. He said that he wants to talk to my therapist alone tomorrow (Friday) for a bit about things. I asked him if he was going to talk to him about breaking up with me, and he said no. He said "Stop going backwards with your thoughts. Face it, you are stuck with me". Which made me feel so good and so lucky. I just feel so guilty about what I am putting him through, and I really hope he doesn't break up with me.

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My ex just called me... it was horrible, she flipped out on me saying "stop emailing me" (it was 1 email) and "No I'm not ing ok." She yelled @ me for an entire minute while I kept my cool. She made me feel like I was a piece of just for telling her the truth about the medicine, and how I hurt her. I feel worthless now.

I think it's time to move on with my life...

Oh Gerry, I am so sorry. That was so uncalled for from her. She is being a heartless B*&CH and you don't deserve this. You are right, you need to free yourself from her, and move on without her. You deserve so much better than her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Oh Gerry, I am so sorry. That was so uncalled for from her. She is being a heartless B*&CH and you don't deserve this. You are right, you need to free yourself from her, and move on without her. You deserve so much better than her.

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You know you sit here and you think to yourself "Yeah I did hurt her but it was the medicines fault." Maybe she would understand and I'm trying to make up for it, to show her love, respect and appreciation. Something I haven't shown her because of the medicine. And I get this in response, she's not worth a single tear of mine.

Now you've got it my friend. No she isn't. You are too good of a person, and too mature for this kind of insensitive person to be in your life. You need to be with someone who will be there for you as you are for them, not some one-sided, selfish person. No way, you can do soooo much better, and you will. Now you are seeing her true colors.

It hurts, she called me again and said "she needs to make some changes but doesn't want me to call her until next year." And if we are meant to be together then we will be.

I'm utterly confused right now.