Hi Guys,

I need your ideas and advise because I feel very confused and worried indeed.

I am in a relationship since 6 months ago. My boyfriend had his previous relationship for 18 years!.

This is the situation:

1 - he broke up about 1 year ago - but I guess his ex wanted to finish it, I'm not sure.

2 - we work in the same office but live in separate flats/places.

3 - I guess he and her ex. Still live in the same house, but of course separately because they could not sell the house yet - but he pretends that she is away, and I guess she is not always away...

4 - we spend all weekends together at my place and travel together and have fantastic time... Ive never been so happy before.

But the thing is, recently I noticed that he has put a picture of himself and her ex in his room. When I found out, I became deeply sad and he tried to make me understand that he didn't mean that... and she is just a friend and that's just an old memory and nothing between them is going on.. and said that his ex-gf's dad has sent that picture recently and that's why he put it there - and started to say sorry, it was a stupid mistake...

Well, none of these is really a good excuse to put a picture of an ex in his room... and Im really worried if he still wishes to be with her? I was upset and he was assuring me that he used to wish be with her, but no more... but my HEART can not believe him... I told him, you don't lie to me, but mabe lie to yourself! :(

You know, he is a very nice person to everybody and since that day, he tried to be supper nice to me and I also pretend that nothing has happened... but I'm worried... I feel that I've lost some part of myself... it feels really bad... what do you think? What should I do now.. my brain does not stop thinking of this :(

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I guess he and her ex. Still live in the same house

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He has put a picture of himself and her ex in his room.

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What do you mean pictures of him, and her ex? Clarify for me his living arrangements, and your ages, please.

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I am in a relationship since 6 months ago. My boyfriend had his previous relationship for 18 years!.
He broke up about 1 year ago

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He may not have all his issued settle right now, and a year is not a long time, compared to 18 years of habits and attachments.

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but I guess his ex wanted to finish it, I'm not sure.

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Me either.

Hard to advise someone of what to do in 6 months of dating, but to relax, and continue to have fun getting to know each other better, and not trip over his past mistakes, given he is fun and attentive.

Lets be real here, as he may have loose ends to tie up, and that's his business to attend to.

Talk to him, and see what he says, and if he addresses your concerns, which seem a bit unclear, and out of place at this time.

Thanks for the quick reply.

- I meant I saw a picture of (him and his ex. Gf) which had been taken years ago in a christmas party, which he put recently in his room.

- I am 30 and he is 35 - we are in relationship since 6 months ago but we knew each other about 3 years.

- they still live in the same house that they bought some years ago together, but in separate rooms now. Apparently he doesn't want me to know the truth (that she is living in the same house most of the times).

What did you mean by "as he may have loose ends to tie up" ?

While crying.. I told him, I know you had issues... you started something new and your old issues should not affect my life - it going to keep me upset all the time (cus I had very bad experiences of relationships before)

Other thing is, if he really want to disconnect he should not see her at all for some months al least! That's what a psychologist told me once.but I think they see each other everyday... how can he forget his past? How can he forget the feelings he had for her?

From what I understand, they live in the same house because they can't sell it and neither one of them can afford to move out. Is that the case? Is the house on the market?

Yes, when you break up with someone it's best to have no contact with that person and move on, but that's not always possible, especially after an 18 year relationship.

I hate to say it, but you've only been together for 6 months, he was with her for 18 years and they've only been out of a relationship for a year. You either have to accept that he has a past that is still very much a part of his present, or you have to move on.

Talk to him about how you feel, that's really your only option.

Good luck.

Yes it is on the market. And nowadays it is hard to sell properties of course.

I don't expect that he forgets his past... I also had some past relationships... but having feelings for somebody and starting another relationship is not good... though he says he doesn't think of her anymore... I don't know really... I just don't want to become a VICTIM again :(

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Originally Posted by red-tulip

yes it is on the market. and nowadays it is hard to sell properties of course.

I dont expect that he forgets his past ... I also had some past relationships ... but having feelings for somebody and starting another relationship is not good ... though he says he doesnt think of her anymore... I dont know really... I just dont want to become a VICTIM again :(

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How can he not think of her, they live in the same house.

You really need to tell him how you feel, communication is the most important part of a relationship.

We can give you advice, but even with a lot of detail we still don't know him, or you or his ex. Talk to him, tell him you feel insecure, scared, nervous. Don't hold back, let him know exactly how you feel about this situation. Don't get upset, talk rationally, be prepared to listen to his side, state your own and see if you two can't meet in the middle somewhere.

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What did you mean by "as he may have loose ends to tie up" ?

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From what you wrote, he may not have a lot of choices at the moment, and cannot just up and move, whether its finances, or obligations, so he is basically doing the best he can with what he has.

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But having feelings for somebody and starting another relationship is not good... though he says he doesn't think of her anymore... I don't know really... I just don't want to become a VICTIM again :(

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Don't let your own fears, and insecurities make decisions for you, or make you assume the worst. That's what communications is for, to get facts in the open, and deal with them. Start talking.

I talked to him once. I was too upset and he was trying to tell me that I don't need to be worry, and he is enjoing his time with me . But he did not made me sure that he would not ever come back to his ex-gf again! He sais I like my current situatuion and being with you but I don't know what will happen in the future... that's what is worring...

Talaniman Rule#17-When in doubt, take a break, and go fishing, not for the fish, to get away, and think.

Maybe backing up a bit and getting balance back will give you a new perspective.

Talaniman Rule# 756- If its not worth the risk, leave it alone.

Talaniman Rule #35- Make sure you know why your worried.

Its only been 6 months, you don't know enough about him to be worried. But your finding out. Is all this drama, and worrying what he will do tomorrow, worth it? Have you fallen to fast, or do you have baggage as heavy as his?

I'm going to take the side of the guy on your last post. 6 months and you expect him to tell you that he wants to spend forever with you? Sorry that's not how it works. When you have your heart broken, you become guarded, you don't want to let anyone close to your heart again because of the pain you felt. Take some time away from each other, let him sort through his issues, alone.

That's a missunderstanding! I do not expect that he stays with me forever - and I'm not worry for tomorrow - the thing is, I don't want to be in a relationship if my boyfriend if he is still in love with his ex-gf. That's the simplest way I can explain this situation.

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Originally Posted by red-tulip

thats a missunderstanding! I do not expect that he stays with me forever - and im not worry for tomorrow - the thing is, I dont want to be in a relationship if my bf if he is still in love with his ex-gf. thats the simplest way I can explain this situation.

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Well you are aware of his history. He says that his ex is just a friend. His house is up for sale. He spends a good amount of time with you. He's treating you better since you told him that you didn't like that picture. You say that you are not worried about tomorrow. It's only been 6 months.

Missing pieces, are you happy with him? Do you trust him?

Of course - I like him very much and I do trust him - I told him even once... sometimes people don't lie to you, but they may lie to themselves...

I don't think he is in love any more, but stuck with the circumstances.

I understand your fear of being hurt, and doubt you can keep enjoying his company, with that always in the back of your mind.

Maybe cooling it would be an option for you, if his reassurance isn't enough. I would feel the same as you, it had only been 6 months since he broke up with her, and start dating you.

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Originally Posted by red-tulip

of course - I like him very much and I do trust him - I told him even once ... sometimes people dont lie to you, but they may lie to themselves ...

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If you keep thinking that he's lying to himself, then you don't trust him as much as you say you do. You're not going to be able to control his feelings, but you can accept them.

I'm not entirely sure what you expect from him. Let's be reasonable here. Humans are not computers. Unless there's something seriously wrong with his brain and heart, an 18 year relationship will probably never get erased from his memory.