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-   -   Second choice, or not? (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=332350)

  • Mar 22, 2009, 08:10 AM
    Chillaxguy90
    Second choice, or not?
    Okay, I've been going through and reading some posts to help me through my hard time without asking a billion of repetitive questions myself. One thing I found is that a lot of people try to wait to see if their ex's new relationship will fail so they may have a second chance with them. The obvious answer, don't wait, NC, and don't be your ex's second choice.

    See, my question is, what if your ex truly realizes what they let go? What if they truly realize that they made a huge mistake and really do miss you? That they can't stop thinking about you, even while in a new relationship, and at the same time you can't stop thinking about them. And then the new relationship fails and they come back to you.

    Is it possible for an ex to truly realize what they let go, and they made a mistake. Maybe they were confused and that time apart cleared their mind? If so, how would you tell so you won't just be suckered into actually just being "the fallback guy/girl"?

    I have been in a daze for the past week, so if any of this doesn't make sense I'll try to clear it up as best I can. Thanks. -Chillaxguy90
  • Mar 22, 2009, 08:35 AM
    talaniman
    Quote:
    Chillaxguy90;1619437,
    See, my question is, what if your ex truly realizes what they let go? What if they truly realize that they made a huge mistake and really do miss you? That they can't stop thinking about you, even while in a new relationship, and at the same time you can't stop thinking about them. And then the new relationship fails and they come back to you.
    You have presented a lot of what ifs here, and they are hopeful fantasies, and not fact, until they actually happen. I give advice about NC, based on fact, people need to heal after a devastating break up. That's when the brain accepts its new circumstance, and can function again.
    Quote:
    Is it possible for an ex to truly realize what they let go, and they made a mistake. Maybe they were confused and that time apart cleared their mind? If so, how would you tell so you won't just be suckered into actually just being "the fallback guy/girl"?
    By being able to separate the facts, from the feelings, and knowing what you really want, and the risks you will take to get it. In other words having a clear mind, and be emotionally healthy. Hey you still might not do the right thing for yourself, as we want what we want. We can examine the whole thing though, the bad, as well as the good. Humans tend to focus on the good they remember, and not the other side of the coin.
    Quote:
    I have been in a daze for the past week, so if any of this doesn't make sense I'll try to clear it up as best I can. Thanks. -Chillaxguy90
    That's understandable. If you have any questions, ask them, that's how we learn.
  • Mar 22, 2009, 09:08 AM
    Chillaxguy90

    Thanks Tal, I mainly asked this because it tended to come up in a lot of other post. The more I read my own question though, the more I see how it reflects me. I guess I do secretly want my ex to come back, but I also know it wouldn't work out with us anymore. I still think about her, but not really in a good way, if that makes sense. Which is why I'm in that daze, which I explain in another question I just asked, "Was she cheating on me?" Thanks.
  • Mar 24, 2009, 02:46 PM
    A mouse
    That'd be lowering yourself to an unrespectable level, one that no girl will want to see in a guy for more than a month. If you want to be with a girl you have to respect yourself. I'll put it bluntly: Get over her and move on. Best of luck.

    -Mouse
  • Mar 24, 2009, 02:56 PM
    I wish

    Yeah, you got to remember, you broke up for a reason. So before you even consider whether she likes you back or not, you have to ask yourself whether you can handle a second chance, while keeping in mind the reasons you broke up the first time. You said it yourself: "I also know it wouldn't work out with us anymore."
  • Mar 24, 2009, 02:58 PM
    Chillaxguy90
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by A mouse View Post
    That'd be lowering yourself to an unrespectable level, one that no girl will want to see in a guy for more than a month. If you want to be with a girl you have to respect yourself. I'll put it bluntly: Get over her and move on. Best of luck.

    -Mouse
    I'm not seeing how this relates to my question? If you could elaborate a little more. How would that lower myself to an unrespectable level? Not being rude or anything, just not understanding.
  • Mar 24, 2009, 03:00 PM
    Chillaxguy90

    Oh, all right. I wish cleared up my misunderstanding. Thanks.
  • Mar 24, 2009, 03:10 PM
    artlady

    Quote:
    Is it possible for an ex to truly realize what they let go, and they made a mistake. Maybe they were confused and that time apart cleared their mind? If so, how would you tell so you won't just be suckered into actually just being "the fallback guy/girl"?
    Sure it is possible to regret any decision made in love.Sometimes we really do need space and it is not just a precursor to * I'm done with you*.

    How can you tell you won't be rebound person.. you can't.
    Love is a big leap of faith with no guarantees.

    Sometimes ,in relationships we are so close to the problem that we are blinded by it.Sometimes being able to step back gives us the time and space to see things more objectively.And in so doing we rethink our position.
  • Mar 24, 2009, 03:46 PM
    Chillaxguy90
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by artlady View Post
    Sure it is possible to regret any decision made in love.Sometimes we really do need space and it is not just a precursor to * I'm done with you*.

    How can you tell you won't be rebound person..you can't.
    Love is a big leap of faith with no guarantees.

    Sometimes ,in relationships we are so close to the problem that we are blinded by it.Sometimes being able to step back gives us the time and space to see things more objectively.And in so doing we rethink our position.
    Thanks, gives me a little hope. What I think is that she is still stuck in that immature high school dating phase. Her last boyfriend (before me) was a complete @$$ to her. I think maybe that's what she is use. So I'm hoping when she gets out into college (she is a senior this year in high school, my first mistake cause I'm out of high school) that she will mature and go, "OMG, why did I do that, he actually treated me good?" I know, I fantasy that's only holding me back, but this fantasy is slowly fading with time.
  • Mar 24, 2009, 05:05 PM
    artlady
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90 View Post
    Thanks, gives me a little hope. What I think is that she is still stuck in that immature high school dating phase. Her last boyfriend (before me) was a complete @$$ to her. I think maybe that's what she is use. So I'm hoping when she gets out into college (she is a senior this year in high school, my first mistake cause I'm out of high school) that she will mature and go, "OMG, why did I do that, he actually treated me good?" I know, I fantasy that's only holding me back, but this fantasy is slowly fading with time.
    As long as you are not holding onto false hope and keeping your options open,I say no harm no foul.

    If you are stuck on wishing and waiting and hoping and letting other possibilities pass you by , that is just going in reverse. You can't drive very comfortably like that for too long:)

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