"Single Mom", working, 5 kids, 17, 14, 12, 9, 7. Youngest is son. 17 & 14 fight all the time over the dumbest stuff! 7 has lived with Dad and now is with us in townhouse in small town without many job ops. Has my car & attends school in Dad's town about 10 mi. away. I am borrowing parent's car so I can get to work. Also works pt at another location out of town. Has boyfriend in Dad's town and school there. Has lousy attitude in general and fights constantly with 14 when here at home. 17 lies constantly, has lousy grades, and contributes nothing to household. Doesn't want to live with Dad anymore. I know... should never had let her go to Dad's because that's where the trouble escalated with more freedom, the boyfriend, a phone, a truck she was supposed to be paying Dad for... you get the picture. Gma suggests that I yank the car and plop her back into the hs she left here in our hometown. She is short-tempered and although lovely, her attitude stinks! Job ops few here, but at other hs, she isn't known for her peaceful attitude, good grades or lofty goals, either. She loves softball and is sought out for her talents. My three youngest are getting the attitude that they can act like the 2 older ones! HELP!
P.S. 17 says she doesn't believe in God!

Let her know you made a mistake in not laying down the ground rules when she moved back in. Is there a reason she doesn't want to live at dad's anymore? Have a family meeting with all of the children. Discuss your working and living situation, having to take care of it all on your own, and what expectations you have of them to help out since that is what a family is expected to do. Tell them you know it stinks, but given the situation, they will likely have to do a bit more.

If you are willing, allow them to come up with ideas of their own on how they can pitch in. Discuss what is expected in regard to school work, homework, curfews, privileges, jobs, communication with family members, etc.. Also discuss what consequences will be put into place... taking away privileges if need be, increasing independence and opportunities as warranted. Let them know you expect them to make good choices, but when they don't, consequecnes will occur, and that you are sure they will make a better choice next time.

Lay it all out on the table for them... include them in some of the decisions when reasonable, make it a team/family effort. Some of them may be fine with it, some of them will likely balk at the whole idea, at least at first, but you need to get a handle on it now as it will only get worse as they get older.

Good luck... hope you get at least some improvement!

Thank you for suggestions! 17 yr. old doesn't want to live at Dad's anymore because there is a lot of drinking and she (and the 15yr.old and 12 yr.old on their visitation weekends) are expected to babysit 7 yr. old step-sister while parents party! But... 17 doesn't want to leave the BSHS because of boyfriend. She thinks no one in her hometown hs likes her. Could be right because of her mouth and quick temper. She had history of top grades and great attitude until about 2 yrs. Ago. Have tried to have family conference and 17yr. Old just "bulls up" and refuses to cooperate. Time constraints don't permit driving her to that school every day (Dad refuses to even meet halfway) and then get to my job, and would have to depend on 15 yr. old to supervise younger kids before school.. breakfast, dressing, etc. Not really fair all the time. There's also an expensive gas cost factor, maintaining 2 vehicles, one borrowed from my parents. She has such a hateful attitude. She & 15yr. Old got into verbal battle the other day over personal hygiene products that I think the 15yr. Old was holding hostage just to prompt argument. 15 yr. old also needs an "attitude adjustment. The "attitude" hasn't manifested in the 3 younger kids yet.

The car is really the only thing I have left to take away. The boyfriend's mother bought her the new phone after her Dad & I agreed to take the first one away because of her attitude and bad grades. Her Dad, the ex, rarely agrees with anything I say or do. She dares me to be physical but I won't be. She just started job and hasn't added anything to help the family financial situation. Doesn't like to hear "NO" and waits until I go to work to sneak out to boyfriend's house. Gma thinks I should take car away and put her back in school in the hometown hs. What do you think would happen then? She refuses to go to counseling and I think she is "pretending" to be depressed by sleeping when she's home so she can "get out" of responsibilities and discussions. Answers?

First as a father who raised 4 teenage boys , it is merely a organised battle field, or a WWF cage match on the best days, and that is normally the best you are going to get.

I wold say, on the phone, I don't care who buys it, who pays for it or more if it comes into "MY" house I control it. As for a truck or car, it sets if they don't follow my rules in my house first.
Next "she refuses" excuse me, a child in my house does not refuse my rules,

If you have the money ( resourse) hire a "sitter" to make sure she does not sneak out

I don't blame her then for not wanting to be at her dad's.

You might tell her if she wants to continue to attend the school she is at then she will have to cover at least some of the expenses for the car to get there with. You simply can no longer afford to maintain both on your own. In addition, if she wants to have some of the freedoms of an adult, she will have to take on some of the responsibilities of an adult. Remind her that part of being an adult is not doing what you feel like doing with no regard to others, it is being mature enough to do the things you have to do, even when you don't want to, simply because it is the right thing to do. It goes both ways... that's what growing up is all about... plain and simple. If she chooses not to abide, and the choice is her's, the car you have been borrowing goes back, and she will have to go to the hometown high school. The phone can go back to the boyfriend's mother... your rules override anyone else. I certainly hope the mother did not buy it for her knowing that you and her father had taken the first one away from her!

Under no circumstances should you take the bait of her dares in becoming physical. Keep your interactions with her calm and matter of fact. She has her choices, she knows the consequences of those choices... both pros and cons, and then be consistent. No arguing, no yelling, no drama.

Teens often have a strong sense of fairness... maybe appeal to that in your daughter... and the other kids as well, don't let them off the hook either! Ask her whether she thinks it is fair that you carry the full load of contributing around the house? Is it fair that she is willing to take from you, but not give anything back? Is it fair that you have to play ringmaster, police officer, and warden in your own home because they can't be civil with each other and learn to get along? Is it fair that you have gone out of your way to provide her with transportation but she can't be bothered to show you some respect by helping out with the expense of maintaining it?

Will it make a difference? Maybe, maybe not, but it can't hurt to try.

As you have seen, teens can sometimes be very similar to the terrible twos all over again. Questioning and pushing the limits, wanting some independence but still needing you, and sometimes copping an attitude and having angry outbursts. It can be a difficult stage for everyone involved. This too shall pass...

I wish you well!

Drama?? Oh, Yeah! I thank you for your time and considerate answers! Yes, the boyfriend's mother did buy the phone knowing that we had taken the other one away. She threatened that she was going to live with boyfriend's family and his mother did squelch that idea directly to me. Now it's when she is 18. That's certainly not the answer. In our home, she has her own room and the 15 yr. old shares with the 9 yr. old. The others also share. The 15 yr. old does take responsibility with more of an inclination to be fair. The 3 younger kids have their chores and do them pretty well. I am thinking "one more chance" and if that doesn't work, out of the other school and into the one locally, minus the vehicle except for to and from work. That would be hard to enforce as school is out at 3 pm and I don't get home until 5:30 pm daily. However, unless she just totally goes against everything, that might be the answer. As a junior, with her low grades, she might either have to go to summer school and/or not finish her Senior year with the class. That would be humiliating, I would think. Of course, everything that happens is someone else's fault. I know... refusal is not to be tolerated; she had agreed to go see doc with Gma then after I went to work, went to boyfriend's house, supposedly to attend a funeral for someone's relative's friend! I will try the tactics suggested in the letters I have received from all of you. It is a blessing to be able to discuss this with someone who understands my problems. Thank you.