My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. He was once married and has three children from his previous marriage. I also have three children from a previous long term relationship. Our children get along great and I absolutely have no problems with him staying over my house with his kids over the weekends to spend time together. Ok... When my boyfriend and I first got together he was very honest about his past and things that he did in his previous marriage that he wasn't so proud of. He told me he had an affair during his marriage and as a result "the other women" became pregnant with his child. Unfortunately, for reasons that are way too complicated for me to put in writing right now, she took their baby daughter and moved away. He had no idea where she went and he had not seen her for years. I can tell that it bother him because he is a very involved parent (unlike the father of my boys). One day (towards the beginning of our relationship) he was telling me what he called "horror stories" of the people he dated in the past. So I asked "out of everyone you've dated, if you had to choose who would you have more then likely stayed with if you could do it over again." His answer was the mother of the daughter he doesn't have contact with. He continued to explain that their relationship was never rocky, they never fought. Now fast forward the year 2009. He receives a phone call from his sister explaining that his long lost daughter's mom called her and said that his daughter would like to meet him. He spoke with her and then later on told me the conversation. Out of everything that was said there was one sentence that struck me as kind of suspicious. She told him " I live alone, I'm doing my own thing and I'm not dating anyone right now." I don't know if I was just being paranoid but what was her reason for mentioning that? The fact that she's single and living alone is irrelevant to him making arrangements to meet his daughter. Now, it turns out that the little girl is not so little anymore she is 14 years old and she lives Upstate. (which is very far from us). He went out there this week and meet her after school. Unfortunately due to the train schedule his next train wasn't scheduled to leave until 10pm. So he basically spent the entire the day at this women's house. At 9pm she drove him back to the train. Supposedly, that may very well be the arrangements from now on... and I can't help but feel uncomfortable about him just hanging out with this women. I asked him if any feelings came back when he saw her and if so let me know and I'll step out the picture. I so dislike drama and I'm not trying to get stressed out by what may come. He said it wasn't like that and that he doesn't want to break up. Am I suppose to just throw caution into the wind and see what happens. I know that every time he goes out there to spend the day with her I'm going to be burning up with jealously and anger because I won't know what's going on. I would never tell him not to go because I want him to spend time with his daughter. I would never get in between that. I just wish there was an alternative visitation arrangement. According to my boyfriend, her mom doesn't feel comfortable letting her sleep over his house. So what do I do? Save myself the bull and just break up or wait around like a fool waiting for something to happen? She has invited event invited his other children to go up there to spend the day. So... I'm sure while all the children are playing the grown ups will be socializing, his relationship with his ex-wife is nothing like that. They're civilized towards one another but they're not chummy. The most time he'll spend with her is at a parent-teacher conference or a brief encounter as she drops off the kids. It's noting like with his other baby's mom. So... lay it on me people what's your advice.

P.S. Sorry about the typos.

Your story needs to be broken up into paragraphs. Very few people will stick it out with your entire story because it is too difficult to read in it's present format.

What makes you so certain that your boyfriend is going to leave you for this woman? A comment that he made based on a relationship they had over fourteen years ago? I don't think he's doing anything wrong. He's not staying overnight at her place. He's getting to know his teen aged daughter. I can absolutely understand that at the girl's age, and considering how briefly she's known her dad, she would not want to spend the night at his place.

You don't really know what's in the heart of his daughter's mom, either.

Bottom line, how much do you love this guy? If it doesn't feel worth it, then I guess it's not. Unless you're leaving out some serious details, I'm not quite certain where all your anger is coming from.

I can understand your concern given what he shared regarding his behavior in the past and his comment about who he would have stayed with. (Hence why it is not always wise to share so many details from past relationships!)

Do you trust him? That is the question. What sort of commitment do you have from him at this time? Do you believe him when he says he has no interest in her and doesn't want to break up with you?

Maybe invite his daughter down to spend a full day with both of you once in awhile. She doesn't have to spend the night. Welcome her into the relationship... your boyfriend will appreciate it.

Try not to dwell on the "what ifs", there are no guarantees in any relationship and worrying about what might happen will only drive you crazy... and possibly cause problems for your relationship that wouldn't normally be there.

Voice your concern, let him know your imagination sometimes runs wild and you get kind of worried... which given the circumstances is not unreasonable, and that, even if he doesn't see the need, you really would appreciate his reaffirmation of your relationship once in awhile until you feel more comfortable with the situation. After you see that all is well and you have nothing to worry about, let it go.

I can see problems here that need to be addressed.

First of all, you and your boyfriend parent six children. That makes a family of 8. I do not think it is fair for her to invite HIS children to an event, and not yours. As far as that goes, why aren't you invited to.

That creates a wedge right there.

You have to make yourself known to her. She needs to realize that you are an EQUAL part of the family decisions made regarding the children, and the possible inclusion of her child into YOUR home. She may not realize or be trustful of somebody to care for her child that she has never met. Set her mind at ease, I'd be a little leary myself.

Get her email address, and when her child does come to visit, follow up with an email telling her what everybody did, and that you enjoyed her company and hope to do it again soon. (thinking positive here, she's probably a nice kid)

Do not take a back seat in adding another two people into your lives, without communicating with your boyfriend. You have every right to expect to be included in any arrangements that are made for him to go there, or her to come to your house. When he is going, how long he'll be gone, when he'll be home is just plain manners.

You should not have to worry that this stranger in his life will ruin your life, and a few simple respectful moves on all the adults parts, should alleviate this stress.

Ask to meet her, you may find that you like her! Eventually, most of the arrangements will have to be done with you anyway, so you may as well get your voice heard now, rather than later.

I would not do a 'wait and see', I'd have my derrierre in there right from the get-go.

[QUOTE=Jake2008;1618065]I can see problems here that need to be addressed.

First of all, you and your boyfriend parent six children. That makes a family of 8. I do not think it is fair for her to invite HIS children to an event, and not yours. As far as that goes, why aren't you invited to.

That creates a wedge right there.

You have to make yourself known to her. She needs to realize that you are an EQUAL part of the family decisions made regarding the children

QUOTE]

I'm not sure they are actually living together as a family unit. She mentioned having her boyfriend and his kids spending some weekends at her home.

You're right Doula!

Somehow I got that backwards.

Quote:

---

According to my boyfriend, her mom doesn't feel comfortable letting her sleep over his house.

---

As a mother I am sure you can understand that as they are just beginning to know one another.Perhaps you could call and speak to her and ask if she could stay at your home.Well supervised and sometime down the road.

I would give the daughter a gift from you only and a nice card letting her know you are anxious to meet her.Tell her a little about yourself and the kids.

You will be making a statement about your relationship and also you will be reaching out in friendship to both Mom and daughter.

I also agree with Jake regarding communication with the Mom from the offset.She will most likely feel more comfortable knowing there is another Mom looking out for her daughter.

Bottom line is stay involved and you have to have faith and trust.Is it easy? No ,but if someone was going to be unfaithful,it could happen anywhere.Try not to let your concerns overshadow this new beginning.

Ok... so I've tried to push the feelings I've been having aside. I figured you guys were right, why am I getting worked up over a relationship that happen 14 years ago.

My boyfriend brought his daughter over to my house. She is a very sweet kid and I very much enjoyed her company. I took some pictures and decided to take Jakes advice on emailing her mom.

Except when I asked my boyfriend to ask her mom for her email address. He spazed out on me. We got into this huge fight over "what my intentions were" and he left. I'm getting to the point where all this mess is just becoming too much of a headache.

I'm trying not to read into things too much but I feel like he doesn't want me talking to or meeting this woman at all. I'm starting to feel like I'm not included in all of this, which is pretty messed up considering that we have been together for 2 1/2 years and even though we don't technically "live" together, he does spend a lot of time over at my house with his children. Our kids refer to each other as step brothers and sister and he does play a pretty active role as step dad to my kids as I do to his kids (except for the new edition).

That's really a shame that a nice simple gesture got turned around as something sinister.

You hold out the olive branch, and instead of taking it, he breaks it.

The only thing I can think of is to give it more time.

I think that this does speak well of your character though to have his daughter over to your house, and obviously you made her feel welcome, and I do believe you enjoyed her company.

Had it been my little girl visiting, I would have sent you an email, or a card, to thank you.

I agree with Jake2008... it is unfortunate that your intentions were not perceived well, but I do understand his concern of you contacting this woman given your prior questioning regarding this past relationship. Maybe he thinks you are going to cause problems, even unintentionally, and it may inturn effect the new relationship he has with his daughter.


The next time the girl comes over, you can always write a short note expressing how much you enjoyed her company and have her deliver it to her mother. Obviously the woman knows you are in the picture or he wouldn't have brought his daughter around to spend time with everyone.

I don't underdtand that at all. You want to make the mother of this child feel more at ease when she lets her daughter go to house she is not familiar with.

And I agree with Jake. I think the mother should have gotten in touch with you.

Maybe you can write a nice card and next time the daughter comes over you can give it to her to give to her mom... Good luck.

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust him... My last relationship wasn't as serious as yours but the guy basically ran to his baby mama every time we fought. By him telling you he would have stayed with her he's letting you know that he still has feelings for her, plus she is the mother of his long lost daughter that he just got to meet. If she wanted him back all she would have to do is threaten him with taking his daughter away and you know he's going to chose to be with her over you, not only to keep his daughter in his life, and because she is the mother of his daughter, but because he still cares for her.

In my opinion the only way to get some sort of piece of mind is to tell him that you are uncomfortable with him going to all the way upstate to see his daughter in his ex's territory. Let him know you don't know nor trust that woman. They need to meet some where half way or he needs to bring her to him. You can't let your man go all the way upstate and trust that his single ex girlfriend he has a baby with won't make the moves (she doesn't know you so why would she respect you?)

You have to lay your foot down or your just doing to turn into a jealous mess.