Ask Me Help Desk - Stepson is disrespectful and steals and lies

I have a 12 year old stepson that lives with me and his father. He does not obey and he likes to steal money out of my purse and whenever he finds it. He also talks disrespectful and thinks he is grown. We have tried so many forms of punishment and non of them are working. We have put him on restriction, taken things away from him given him yard work to do and even kept him from going hunting, (which he likes to do). What else can I do to teach him that he is not the adult? I'm ready to call a boarding school. I'm over it, and done. I can't take his attitude any longer, we have a 10 month old too and I really don't want her around his behavior. Please Help!

Where is his mother? Is she in the picture at all? Have you tried sitting down and talking to him calmly, without yelling just to see what's going on with him. Kids this age sometimes act out for attention. Also, what is he stealing money for? Could he do chores around the house to earn money? Even if it's just a little bit?

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Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

where is his mother? is she in the picture at all? have you tried sitting down and talking to him calmly, without yelling just to see what's going on with him. kids this age sometimes act out for attention. also, what is he stealing money for? could he do chores around the house to earn money? even if it's just a little bit?

His mother gets him every other weekend and she is having the same problem with him. It's just not as bad at her house because he's only there 4 times a month. I'm not sure what he needs money for. Snacks at school I guess. It's not the point, the point is he went into my purse where he does not belong. He does chores already and does not get paid for them, he does them to learn responsibility. When he needs anything we buy it, I don't have a problem supplying for him but when he steals it makes not want to do anything at all for him. I think he steals it because he gets mad. When he gets in trouble is usually when he does it. Like he's trying to show us for getting on to him. We have sat him down and talked to him calmly a bunch of different times and we have also taken him to a counselor to let him talk to someone else. Nothing seems to work. He said he hates me.

Kids at this age do that! I think you need to stay strong and unified as the "parents" even communicating with the mom as much as possible.

Take away the non-necessities one at a time. Put him on restriction and lock up your room so he can't get in there to steal from you. Don't cook his favorite meals anymore, make fast-food or whatever he likes the best a reward for good behavior.

I have a simple motto-- "Do good things, good things happen & vise versa" I don't say the "bad" side, always the good and "vice versa" so you're staying positive. Make certain to apprecaite anything good he does or anything considerate... act touched.

I am having issues with my 10 year old girl, so I am a kindred soul!

As a custodial step-mom, I went through some of the same things you are, multiplied by 3 teens and a manipulative bio-mother. What I did was: On the "good days" (you know the ones where things are going okay) I started saying things like "I really like spending time with you." "It's so nice to have someone older around that's mature enough to give me a helping hand with the baby." "I hate planning what to fix for dinner every day - what do you think would be good? Do you think you could help me with it?" After several tries like this - when there were a few good days in a row - I pulled my daughter (step) off to the side and said, "you know, you're x years old now and with all the help you've been giving me lately - I was thinking that we should extend your curfew on weekends. What do you think?"

Slowly I made progress. When I grounded - I made it clear that there was no time limit on the grounding but that I expected them to come to me in the near future and discuss the reasons for the grounding after they had time to really think about their actions. When they did come to me - I would listen and if they really had thought about it (you can tell when they're just blowing smoke) I would tell them how proud I was of them for really thinking about it and coming back to me like I'd asked. Then we would negotiate an end to the grounding.

I think I would handle the stealing from you in the same way. Let him know that you had really needed that money for xyz and that because he took it from you without asking - you can't get that item(s). Tell him how disappointed you are in his actions and that you NEVER thought he would do that again after he'd seemed to be growing up so quickly. Then, do the grounding - go think about this and come back and talk to me so we can come up with an appropriate punishment - kind of thing and see if it starts to help.

It really did work at my house. I'll never be as close to my (step) kids as I'd like to be - but I'm called a parent by them to their friends/school/employers/doctors, etc. and am definitely treated like a parent. I wish you a lot of luck!

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

As a custodial step-mom, I went through some of the same things you are, multiplied by 3 teens and a manipulative bio-mother. What I did was: On the "good days" (you know the ones where things are going okay) I started saying things like "I really like spending time with you." "It's so nice to have someone older around that's mature enough to give me a helping hand with the baby." "I hate planning what to fix for dinner every day - what do you think would be good? Do you think you could help me with it?" After several tries like this - when there were a few good days in a row - I pulled my daughter (step) off to the side and said, "you know, you're x years old now and with all the help you've been giving me lately - I was thinking that we should extend your curfew on weekends. What do you think?"

Slowly I made progress. When I grounded - I made it clear that there was no time limit on the grounding but that I expected them to come to me in the near future and discuss the reasons for the grounding after they had time to really think about their actions. When they did come to me - I would listen and if they really had thought about it (you can tell when they're just blowing smoke) I would tell them how proud I was of them for really thinking about it and coming back to me like I'd asked. Then we would negotiate an end to the grounding.

I think I would handle the stealing from you in the same way. Let him know that you had really needed that money for xyz and that because he took it from you without asking - you can't get that item(s). Tell him how disappointed you are in his actions and that you NEVER thought he would do that again after he'd seemed to be growing up so quickly. Then, do the grounding - go think about this and come back and talk to me so we can come up with an appropriate punishment - kind of thing and see if it starts to help.

It really did work at my house. I'll never be as close to my (step) kids as I'd like to be - but I'm called a parent by them to their friends/school/employers/doctors, etc. and am definitely treated like a parent. I wish you a lot of luck!

Thank you that is the best advice I have been given. I will try your approach.

The latest incident and I've heard myself say these words before "The last time was the last time!"... my stepson is now 21 yrs old. He spent a week at our home recently because he was working in the area. That mistake cost me about $3000 and severe agrivation since some of the items I use for work... the answer is if you got a kid in your life that is willing to continuously steal, lie, and cause as much evil in your home as they possibly can then you must decide for yourself when enough is enough... the past should have been my best indicator that nothing has changed for him.. this kind of stuff went on for 5 years until I put my foot down... his mother moved out to care for him even though he had begun to steal from her... this lasted 2 years... somehow we got back together (since in reality we do love each other)... but he was then to be on his own... let me tell you... once you have been violated and it is obvious they have a twisted and warped mind (as they do not wish to "share" their parent with anyone else) there is only one choice. Set the boundries and do not ever... I mean ever, deviate... they are not(ever)to be trusted... you will suffer for it... trust me. Call them Psychopaths, Sociopaths Cleptimaniacs or just down right evil... my life has been a living hell whenever he is around... he is charming and when that doesn't work he gets into some kind of crisis to get his mothers attention... he has had violent outbursts, damaged my home again and again... played head games... (after a while he got a new idea how to mess with me. He would take some things/valuables out of bedroom drawers and throw them under a bed or somewhere they could be found... when I confronted him he said "I was picking on him" and that I probably just misplaced these items by my own carelesness.(backhanded insult) When we did a detailed search, voala, we found them... his accusation seemed to hold water... exept that I had decided to take pictures of all of my drawers in our room and not touch them to see what would happen... I produced the pictures and he admitted he was "playing head games" SICK SICK SICK... I tell you, set up a camera... nanny cam... etc... catch them in the act and lay charges... if your wife/husband has an issue with that, it's time to move on for your life will continue to be violated if they have a parent that is continually protecting them and has little or no concern for your feelings of betrayal and violations.It can lead you to madness (which of course is the objective) Unless a child learns to be accountable for their actions by appropriate dicipline they will become a useless self serving individual and a detriment to all those around them... the natural parent must learn that they have the most impact and failing to correct their child is not love. It is the worst thing you can do to them. I raised two boys and I can tell you we have a terific relationship. They respect me and my wife and it shows... you must not wait to start this process.It becomes so much more difficult (if not impossible) when they are teens. It is a life long evdeavor. The longer you wait the worse it is going to get... PS.. Stepson is going to court in March for a stabbing incident that happened a year ago... he could face 2 years in jail (his lawyer thinks he can get him off without jail time even though the guy he stabbed almost died) I truly hope he spends time in the big house and someone teaches him a few manners... not a good Christian attitude but you can also get to this point if you do not head my warnings

This is from March 2009 - the person who asked the question has not been back.

If you check the dates you will see more recent posts that could use your input.

Ask the local police department if they would be wiling to send a dispatch out the next time he steals. Give him a taste of what happens to thieves when they steal.