My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He is 36 and I am 23. We hardly EVER have sex. I ask him all the time if he is dissatisfied with me, and he says No, that sex isn't everything in a relationship. I have only been in ONE other sexually active relationship were we had sex AT LEAST once a week, which I thought we had sex enough, not too much or too little just right.(that was over 3 years before my boyfriend and I got together) However, we haven't had sex since BEFORE Valentines Day, and he isn't showing much interest in having it anytime soon. We don't live together. I don't think he is cheating on me, because we see each other just about everyday, he doesn't own a computer and calls me through out the day and texts often. He is always telling me he loves me, doesn't know what he would do without me, can't wait to see me, that I am beautiful or cute or whatever, but he shows NO desire in sex. I am frustrated. When I ask him what is wrong, he simply says nothing, sex isn't everything in a relationship, or that he just isn't in the mood. Then he gets mad if I tell him that I want him or that I am aroused. He doesn't like me to dress provocative and gets upset if I wear something(even for him) that shows a LITTLE cleavage. I feel so ugly and unattractive. He says that's not the case that he loves me and wants to marry me... I don't understand how you can want to marry someone you don't even want to have sex with! He gets very angry when I say stuff like that in response to his answer. He says he isn't into sex like that. When I try to do things to turn him on, he gets mad. Or when I tell him things that would turn me on, he says that is disrespectful or he would never do that because he can't think of me in that kind of way. He gets mad if I try to talk dirty to him, he says that he prefers to "make love to me" not have sex. I don't care WHAT it's called... I don't get it ANYWAY! I am really getting frustrated and am to the point where I want to break up with him over it. We have a pretty good relationship other than this issue. I could use all the advice you can spare.

Sound like he is a real bundle of fireworks...


Now unless he has any of the typical libido killers going on maybe you just have a guy with a low libido and self esteme issues... He sounds like a real dud. Trust me when I say this... don't marry the man. You are only going to continue to have issues as you just are not a good match. Sex isn't the only thing in a relationship... but lack of sex or bad sex WILL destroy one.

I don't think he really has self esteem issues, I have NO idea why he doesn't want to. When we go to his mother's house, he wants it, but if we go to a hotel or to his house or my house he doesn't. I am so confused. I don't think I can marry someone who doesn't want it at all. ON top of that my birthday was two weeks ago, and he didn't even offer (of course I didn't even bring it up because I have lost hope) and his birthday is next week and I have a feeling if I offer that he is going to say he's "not in the the mood" as always. So it's kind of put me in a tough situation. He is attractive, I am attractive( I never have a problem with people thinking I am attractive) and I am NOT trying to be a closet porn star which is how he's making me feel about this whole thing and I am just trying to please him and myself. I feel like I am the problem... he also makes me feel like I am a sex craving maniac. Which isn't the case. I just was under the impression that men have needs just as much as women and that it is important to have a sexual relationship as much as an emotional one.

I'm not saying he's not a fairly nice guy... but some people just have absolutely nothing going on in the "Lets get it on" arena. And by all your descriptions he falls in that group.

And yeah... MOST guys do have needs just like women do... sometimes more sometimes less but still have it.

Don't feel like a sex craving maniac... if you'd be happy with once a day you are perfectly smack in the middle of where most people are.

I just don't understand why he doesn't... I just am looking at it in this way... If you really feel all the things he says he feels, then you would think he would WANT to... or at the very least TRY to... I just can't seem to figure him out. It doesn't make any sense.

Have you mentioned to him that his low libido might be indicative of a medical problem?

He NEEDS to get it checked out by a doctor.

And whether he's "in the mood", he needs to consider YOUR libido as well--and he isn't.

Just a strange thought He wants it when he is at his mom's house right. I assume there are people at the house when this happens. I am thinking the thought of someone catching the two of you turns him on. Just a thought.

I tried the whole getting caught theory... if that were the case then all of the places I stated he would gladly do it at... because depending on the time there is USUALLY someone around... I have even tried to get him to do it with me in the woods when we went on a hike in the middle of NO WHERE... his response... " I am not a dog."

Wow, This guy sound like no fun at all. And he is very selfish.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Have you mentioned to him that his low libido might be indicative of a medical problem?

He NEEDS to get it checked out by a doctor.

And whether or not he's "in the mood", he needs to consider YOUR libido as well--and he isn't.

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I agree... it does seem odd that he doesn't consider me in this... every other aspect of our lives he is willing to put forth an effort... this is the ONLY thing he won't do... he has quite smoking and drinking because I don't like it... now if I could just get him to quit NOT having sex we would be PERFECT! I asked him to go to the doctor for this just to get a "check up" and he refused. He said he feels better than ever. I wish there was some sort of test we could do at home... maybe he's shy about it... I don't know... I just am feeling HORRIBLE right now... this is the ONLY thing we argue over...

By the way... I never asked him to give up smoking or drinking. He asked me what I thought about them, I was honest and said I didn't care for them... he chose to stop... I never asked him to. I have never tried to change him... nor would I try, I just am having a hard time empathizing with this, probably because he doesn't have a reason. If it were something like a medical issue, I would be very patient and understanding... not having an answer frustrates me more than anything.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. To me you sound perfectly normal. Have you talked about how the lack of sex is making you feel though? I would feel the same way you do right now if I was in your situation.

Yes, I have told him how I feel. He says that I am crazy, that he loves me and that sex shouldn't matter this much. He says that I am too self cautious over this and that it's NOT me... that not everything has to do with me... sounds bizarre right? I don't know. I am so drained over this issue...

You aren't crazy and although a relationship shouldn't revolve around sex, if one or both partners aren't satisfied with the sexual aspect of the relationship it's going to put a big strain on the people in it. Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? If not, maybe it's time to move on.

Yes, I would like to spend the rest of my life with him, other wise I would have called it quits already. Do you know a way that I can convey how important it is to me to make this work? Maybe he just doesn't understand how it is bothering me. I have sat down with him several times and tried to explain myself, he just doesn't seem to want to respond. I am trying to figure out if the strain is because he doesn't feel like I enjoy it so he doesn't want to do it or if it is because he just isn't in the mood. He did say that he doesn't feel that I enjoy it as much as he does... I don't have those screaming orgasms in other words... but who REALLY does? I mean I am NOT going to start screaming like a porn star so he "thinks" he is doing something right... when he's NOT. I feel like that is what he is looking for or something... He does a fine job when we do it... I do enjoy myself... maybe I am not displaying it in a way in which he needs to receive it in order to WANT to keep doing it... does this make any sense??

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Originally Posted by sweetnpetite

Yes, I have told him how I feel. He says that I am crazy, that he loves me and that sex shouldn't matter this much. He says that I am too self cautious over this and that it's NOT me.... that not everything has to do with me... sounds bizarre right? I don't know. I am so drained over this issue...

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Take him at his word... He's an emotional Eunic.

He's a good match for a woman with absolutely no libido... not a woman with a normal one. You will be happier to cut your losses now and move on. Be glad you realized this BEFORE you got married and not after.

OK here is my thought after reading your original post and then the answers that you have provided. It appears that somewhere along the way this guy had a really bad experience that involved sex. Either a) he overly forced himself on someone and the outcome was really bad or b) someone else overly forced themselve on him and maybe he had sex even when he didn't want to. Regardless of how it happened something happened to him to make him feel this way. The reason I say that is because the fact that he can relax and feel comortable enough to have sex when he is at his parents house says to me that is a "safe place" psychologically speaking. Its his mom and dad, nothing bad can happen there, mom and dads house is a safe environment and without him even realizing it that's what he is using it as. There seems to be an emotional issue deep down. I would sit down with him and ask him to discuss past sexual relationships and ask him if anything bad every happened. Make sure you let him know that regardless of what happened you will not judge him but just want to understand where this stand offish behavior is stemming from. I am willing to bet that something happened to him. Getting him to talk about it is a completely different issue.

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Originally Posted by kanicky73

ok here is my thought after reading your original post and then the answers that you have provided. It appears that somewhere along the way this guy had a really bad experience that involved sex. Either a) he overly forced himself on someone and the outcome was really bad or b) someone else overly forced themselve on him and maybe he had sex even when he didnt want to. Regardless of how it happened something happened to him to make him feel this way. The reason I say that is because the fact that he can relax and feel comortable enough to have sex when he is at his parents house says to me that is a "safe place" psychologically speaking. Its his mom and dad, nothing bad can happen there, mom and dads house is a safe environment and without him even realizing it thats what he is using it as. There seems to be an emotional issue deep down. I would sit down with him and ask him to discuss past sexual relationships and ask him if anything bad every happened. Make sure you let him know that regardless of what happened you will not judge him but just want to understand where this stand offish behavior is stemming from. I am willing to bet that something happened to him. getting him to talk about it is a completely different issue.

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I know a past girlfriend cheated on him. I know that it was with his best friend. I know he has a daughter out of that relationship that was taken away from the mother (he didn't know until recently that it was his... he thought it was the friends) and is working on getting custody of his daughter, from the state.(this takes time... and lawyers etc. I have no problem with helping raise his daughter. She is adorable (4 years old) BEAUTIFUL kid. I don't know if this all has to do with that or if like you said it was some sort of bad experience(which I would consider that a bad experience personally). I have never cheated or given him the idea that I would cheat... We talked about his daughter and he feels like he let her down because he hasn't been there. That she wouldn't be with a foster family if he had tried to make things work with her mother(which him NOT doing that was probably the best thing for him... not because he wouldn't have ended up with me but she is some sort of addict... and he could be worse off if he had) I feel bad. I love him and his daughter... I would be fine raising her as my own and if the courts would allow adopting her. He is a HUGE part of my life ( he found out about his daughter last month so the problem in this post was going on before that) I am willing to do what it takes to make this work, it's just I don't know what else I can do...

As heartwrenching and painful that whole experience can be on someone, that is not what I mean. I am talking an actual bad experience with an actual sexual encounter. I personally experienced a bad sexual encounter many many years ago with my first husband and I tell you what, it left such a scar for a very long time that I pulled away from sex for quite a while until I learned how to deal with it. Dig deeper to find out, this doesn't have anything to do with trying to get his daughter back or feeling like he let her down. That is a separate issue, there is something else there.

We are going out tonight. I will let you know what I get from him. Is there something specific I should be fishing for? I mean I don't think he was molested... but you never know. I had that experience and it wasn't a good one... my ex did it when we were in high school. It was horrible and scary. I don't let it come between us because they are two different people, they have NOTHING in common other than being men. I guess any advice on how to bring something like that up would be great...

Everyone handles trauma like that differently. You were strong enough to get past it without counseling, others may struggle with it for years and never get over it. I don't know if dinner is the best time to discuss something like this but if you get a chance I would just say that there is something that is bothering you and you would like to know if he maybe had a bad experience with sex that is causing him to pull away from it. He is either going to say no and change the subject or see this as an opportunity to open up to you about it. If he questions why you are asking just let him know that you care about him and want your and his relationship to be better and that this seems to be an issue that you guys are having and you are trying really hard to understand where it comes from rather than just getting mad at him. I am quite sure that he will appreciate your willingness to find out what his feelings are rather than just thinking about yourself.