Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid 20's and have had some dating/relationship sexual experiences. My previous bfs were all a bit shy/sensitive and it took some time for us to start the physical part. I had a couple of one night stands when I was younger and drunk and I knew perfectly well they were purely physical. (Those one night stands never developed and I had no intention to keep in touch) I think I know the difference between lovemaking and casual sex.

The thing is I've been dating my current boyfriend for a couple of months now. It started with sex (2nd date) and I thought it was another one nighter. I was trying to avoid him afterwards (he's a colleague) to let him know I didn't want to get involved and make it complicated and awkward (dating a colleague) but he kept asking me out, we had more sex and before I realised, we were dating.

I know it's been just a couple of months and it's way too early for the L word, but my boyfriend (in his 40's) is always horny and never verbally expressed he really likes me. A lot of times I thought he just used me for sex (not that I was completely innocent). But I'm really curious, is it more than just sex? I asked him a couple of times and he said no, because we talk, we enjoy each other and he knows lots of women so he doesn't need me just for that. He said words don't matter and I can just see through his behaviour.

I don't expect our sex to be heavenly lovemaking, it's more in the middle, a bit of both.

If he doesn't care for me or plans to be longer term, is it normal for a guy to kiss his girlfriend often on the forehead, rub noses (eskimo kiss), and always cuddle all night long after the sex if he's just in it for sex?

He's extremely nice to me (the first guy ever to make me lunchboxes to work). But his commitmentphobic tendency (in his 40's, a lot of partners, but never married) and the fact that we started with sex gives me a lot of doubt.

Can some guys stand cuddling, and pretend to be so nice to fool girls into sex?

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Originally Posted by BeaCoeur

Can some guys stand cuddling, and pretend to be so nice to fool girls into sex?

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YES! Guess we haven't met... :rolleyes:

Another thing, you know the difference between casual sex and "lovemaking" ? Are you serious? You sound like a fairly easy girl to get in bed (no offense), and guys can smell that stuff a mile away. To "make love" you need to be in LOVE!! It is an emotional bond as well as a physical. This guy knows you give it up easily as you did on your SECOND date. If I was a guy, that would make perfect sense to me to continue doing what I was doing, as long as your legs kept open like a Wal-Mart.

No, I don't mean to be harsh, but give me a break. It is almost as if you are making excuses for being promiscuous. Doesn't seem anymore than sex that connects you two, sorry. If all I had to do was "cuddle" to get to you, believe me, I would do it. Doesn't seem like it is that hard to "fool" you...

I know I am going to take a lot of heat from this post, but I am prepared... bring it on!

Just because your sexually free, and a guy takes it, and is nice to you, doesn't mean he has more on his mind than just sex.

Many guys like having more than one outlet, and frankly he probably is in it for one thing, so please, don't go reading too much into this. He may be just a nice horny guy that likes to cuddle, after sex, that's all.

kctiger, there's not going to be a heated debate. I'm not going to stoop to your level of shallowness, ignorance and immaturity.

I'm new here, this is my first post, and I think I'm on the wrong site. I used to try Yahoo answer, I guessed I would find more mature answerers here. I'm disappointed that I was wrong.

I'm not American but I know what Walmart is. I have Master's Degree and I'm often considered as a nerd and a bit intimidating for being independent (having travelled the world for studies and work). My boyfriend and I work together at the UN, far from an uneducated shallow bimbo who has to be dependent on just a guy. I'd rather stay unmarried, but happy and successful than being brought down by a narrow-minded guy like you.

'Promiscuous', do you even know what it means? I'm a monogamist, and yes, I did have only a couple of one night stands, but I never kept in touch with them, I never cheated, I didn't have casual sex for a living.

Sometimes a relationship can start this way, how frequent the sex is, is all relative. And it's not for how long you GIVE UP for sex. That's not the point, and the word GIVE UP is all wrong and hypocritical. So men want sex and if the women GIVE UP too soon she's promiscuous? Such double-standard!! It depends on the circumstances and only TWO persons in the relationship. NO ONE has the right to judge.

And yes, I'm not ashamed to say I enjoy sex with him. 2nd date or not, it's not your place to judge. I just want to ask the question because it's the first time the physical part started this fast.

Your education and intellect have nothing to do with your sexual life. Don't group together all girls who like to have casual sex as bimbos who are stupid... it is more a lifestyle choice rather than mere intelligence and educational achievements.

I didn't judge, I replied to your post. If you read it, which I am assuming since you have a Master's degree I would think you can, it reeks of being proud and experienced in the sexual world. You come on here for answers, you got one. Re-read my answer. YES! If you can't handle the truth, stick to the UN, they seem to be good at hiding it there...

Another word of caution, don't come on here spouting off your educational accomplishments like you are better than those giving you answers. This is a real board, with REAL people answering your question. You want some kid sitting in his parents basement to give you advice, go to Yahoo! but if you want it like it is, welcome to AMHD.

I also wasn't trying to put you down personally, I was trying to get you to see how easily guys can take advantage of a girl for mere sex if they want to. Not saying that is the case here, but I guess since you are so educationally superior to me, you already know that.

Carry on... :cool:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Your education and intellect have nothing to do with your sexual life. Don't group together all girls who like to have casual sex as bimbos who are stupid...it is more a lifestyle choice rather than mere intelligence and educational achievements.

I didn't judge, I replied to your post. If you read it, which I am assuming since you have a Master's degree I would think you can, it reeks of being proud and experienced in the sexual world. You come on here for answers, you got one. Re-read my answer. YES! If you can't handle the truth, stick to the UN, they seem to be good at hiding it there...

Another word of caution, don't come on here spouting off your educational accomplishments like you are better than those giving you answers. This is a real board, with REAL people answering your question. You want some kid sitting in his parents basement to give you advice, go to Yahoo!, but if you want it like it is, welcome to AMHD.

I also wasn't trying to put you down personally, I was trying to get you to see how easily guys can take advantage of a girl for mere sex if they want to. Not saying that is the case here, but I guess since you are so educationally superior to me, you already know that.

Carry on...:cool:

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I never want to shove my education background on anyone's face. And yes, you have a point, it has nothing to do with the experience and it doesn't help either to generalise. I hate grouping/generalisation, and it seems to me most Americans are (haha, again, generalisation, guilty as charged) so I just wanted to defend myself.
You might not be so immature and call me names like in other boards, but you labelling me as promiscuous and the spreading my legs stuff doesn't help either. I feel I was being attacked, and I'd like an apology.

Being in the UN doesn't mean I'm sheltered and naïve. I've had experiences, not so many, and not at all slutty. Yes, I agree, it's a lifestyle. But my MA and UN means that I'm not among guys whose life purpose wants to just conquer women (cos they don't have much to do). It doesn't mean all those guys are saint just because of their education and work, but it means they've matured (at least in their late 30's) and too busy to afford the playboy lifestyle.

I apologize, I wasn't trying to offend. I respect you and your position, I just hate to see nice girls be so naïve to guys, that is all.

Whatever the case may be, I just offer you my advice to PROTECT yourself, and as cruel as it may be or as big of an a$$ as I may come out to be, I really do care for your own well being.

My advice is to slow it down, and perhaps get to know the guy a bit. Maybe you have done this already, in which case I am wrong.

Happy St. Patrick's day!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I apologize, I wasn't trying to offend. I respect you and your position, I just hate to see nice girls be so naive to guys, that is all.

Whatever the case may be, I just offer you my advice to PROTECT yourself, and as cruel as it may be or as big of an a$$ as I may come out to be, I really do care for your own well being.

My advice is to slow it down, and perhaps get to know the guy a bit. Maybe you have done this already, in which case I am wrong.

Happy St. Patrick's day!

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Thanks :) Btw, how can I answer to specific posters (not to the entire thread) without having to quote? Again, I'm new here.

Just type in the box on the bottom of the screen. No need to quote. Generally, unless you want to respond to a specific quote, just type in the box at the bottom.

If you want to respond to specific posters, I usually just type their name, like this:

BeaCoeur: type your response.

Hope that helps. I think you will be a great addition here... can't be any worse than me! ;)

P.S. AMHD is way better than Yahoo! Don't judge the board off me, I am the outcast here and I am always good at ruffling feathers! :p

I agree with Kc. Think of the age old expression, why buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free. If you want to find out what his intentions are and if he really wants "love" than stop having sex with him. If he sticks around for a few months without it, then it could possible be more but I doubt it. He is older, and probably only out for one thing, and who knows if you are the only girl in his life right now.

KC made some valid points. As a woman, I can see exactly what he meant. This guy is not interested in becoming an "item" with you. Sure, he may like you as a person and think you're swell but that doesn't make it more than what it is.

Keep in mind, just because a guy likes casual sex doesn't mean he will be a complete jerk. Some are very good at playing the role of being "totally into you"---when you're together. And then he's got another girl feeling the same way the next night. And so on.

Your question of how do you know if it's more than just sex?- you'll know. He will make sure you know. When a man is completely into you he wants to make sure you know so that you don't get away. ;)

Thanks for your replies guys. (and for being honest and civilised :P)

I'm a person with strong instincts. I rarely fall 'blindly' in love with guys. Actually, I'm a pessimist-realist so I tend to assume the worst. I come to this board not because I'm trying to convince myself it's love, but because I've been sceptical from the start. I never believe 100% of what my boyfriend said, and I fear I might have misjudged him and missed something good (it happened before).

The thing is, I really do think he's after sex, that's how our relationship started anyway. And I didn't even think of it as more than sex before (I was trying to avoid him after our first sex because I thought it was just a one night stand)

But he didn't want to end things. And he's been genuinely nice to me (sex or no sex) I know because he's always been helpful with others. He's always there for me whenever I have problems. He took me to the hospital. He sought out contact details of a person who can help my career. He always cooks and cleans and I don't even have to move my fingers.

He told me he's been with a married woman and used to visit hookers before (and he really does see them as persons who need help), his ex's still in his life but they don't have relationship as a couple anymore, but right now he has only me. That's the first thing why I never trust him 100% because I judge him. But why would he have told me all those things for me to judge and run away? He didn't have to tell me. I see his good points so I decided to stick around.

He even offered that I move in with him (I'm a foreigner with accommodation problem), but not now because he has to deal with his ex problem first. She hasn't really got the idea that they're really over and visits his place very often.

It's not that I'm 'in love' with him, but because I start to have feelings for him after seeing he's a good person. It's just that he appears to be extremely liberal and commitmentphobic. His actions look like he really cares about me, but he never says it or shows it in his eyes. I think he's either too old to express emotions the same way us in our 20's do, or it's in his personalities that he doesn't have a wide range of emotions (one time we had a huge fight, I sent him an SMS saying you. You really hurt me. Leave me alone, I even blocked and deleted him on skype, he was hurt and angry of course, but he still smiled and said hi to me!! He didn't even need my apology when we made up, like nothing happened.

Sorry for a long post and thanks for being patient ;-)

Oops, a typo, not that he's BEEN with a married woman. He was. And I judged him because I'm a moral monogamist.

The ex is not the same person as the married woman. They were together for 10 years, no kids, no legal commitment, everything is in his name.

Sex like all feelings makes attachments not only physically but emotionally. Its up to you to see reality over time, and be objective before you assume what the relationship is really about.

Your dating, so have fun getting to know each other, then see where your feelings are. Best at this point not to assume anything, but realize it takes more than sex to make a relationship, and when that's not enough, then what?

Additional info: he did say he loves me and wants a good relationship with me (I was sceptical because it sounded a bit weird, not enough emotion in his words, unlike when my ex said that to me, I just know it was true) but then again, his whole personalities are kind of weird to me, never met anyone like him. He seems to be extremely European-like liberal.

It just feels like
Sex+good friendship and convo+genuine care like he's my dad or something

As for sex, yes it's sex, but he's the one who suggested making it longer like lovemaking when I often go for quicker versions.

And all the frequent sweet forehead kisses, rubbing noses (eskimo kiss), hand holding just confuse me because they're all romantic gestures

I'm not normally like this, I mean being unsure, but like I said, he's peculiar, like he lacks some emotions all through his life (the type who doesn't believe in one soulmate and marriage)

Yes, you're right, let time tell. Thanks again ;-)