A few people have told me disaster stories about having taken their teenage children on holiday where their child spent the entire time sulking and complaining, and demanding to go home.

My partner and I thought my 12 year old daughter would be excited to go to New Zealand with us in early April. Instead, she has only made a few ungrateful grunts and listless shrugging of shoulders that amounts to 'I dunno' and 'I don't care' replies. It was so disappointing and infuriating, my partner and I broke up over it last weekend. We're tentatively back on track and back to making plans for New Zealand, only now I have a 'yes, I want to go to New Zealand' from my daughter and a promise she'll go with the flow and enjoy herself. We are now also taking along my partner's two boys aged 13 & 15, who are really excited about going.

Although my daughter has made a promise, I can't see any real change in her attitude. She hasn't yet looked at a map of New Zealand or listed the three most exciting/interesting things she wants to do there that we've asked her to do. We're wanting to pool everyone's ideas and wants and then sort it out into what's possible and fair for everyone.

A friend yesterday told me that when she took two of her children to Thailand and Cambodia over Christmas; a trip she saved hard to make happen and had been looking forward to having special time with her kids for over a year, turned into a nightmare with her teenage daughter. At one point, while at a resort in Thailand, her daughter demanded to be put on a plan to go home and my friend actually found herself wondering how she might manage it... she ended up sending her daughter home at the end of the Thailand trip and travelling with just her son to Cambodia. My friend's advice: DO NOT TAKE A TEENAGE ON HOLIDAY IF THEY AREN'T KEEN TO GO WITH YOU!

We're going to talk with my daughter again tonight to see if we can't get some sort of commitment from her that she is looking forward to going to New Zealand with us and will have a good time - otherwise we might have to make the decision to leave her at home. Given the choice of staying home and having my mum stay with her or go to New Zealand with us, she chose to go to New Zealand.

My partner is naturally feeling very tense (and I can hardly breath under the weight of their negativity) as this trip meant something to him (and to me)... and most important, he wants and deserves to relax and have a good time.

Any thoughts on how to handle this situation better than what I have been? My daughter has a large circle of friends, is athletic and does okay at school, so she doesn't have any developmental problems. She is just a teenager who has found it hard to accept my partner in her life and wants her own way... that doesn't always make her happy.

Has she ever been on a family vacation before with all the crew that is presently set to go to NZ? She may not be keen on the idea if she has not spent much time with everyone who's going. That may be the problem. She does not feel comfortable with everyone. Have you asked her about her reasons she wasn't too thrilled to go in the first place?

If she would rather sit this vacation out, please don't force her to go as your worse nightmare may come true.

You didn't really say how long this vacation would be. If it's a long time (like 2 weeks) then let her stay home if she's more of the inclination not to go. Two weeks to a 12 year old is a very, very long time.

LOL! I love that avi Twinks! Lol

She's been on a family holiday with a different crew, i.e. her own family, which makes all the difference. Plus she wasn't a teenager then.

She and her friends got on well with the boys at Christmas and on New Year's Eve... they're around the same age and actually had a good time together. But she won't usually give the boys much of a chance, unless she is with a friend of her own... only then does she feel comfortable and safe, I suppose.

I'm hoping if the boys go they'll all get to do a lot of fun things together and not feel so tied to my partner and I. I absolutely dread the thought of anyone throwing a hissy fit, Twinks. Think I need an exit plan and get away from everyone strategy ready if she does go. I think tonight will be her last chance to show if she's really keen or not. We have to book accommodation and don't want to get caught out at the last minute.

We had a bit of a breakthrough last night, Twinks. I let my partner talk with my daughter on his own about the trip and somehow he got through to her... so she's enthusiastic now. Best outcome for me, and I'm glad she and the boyz are going since we'll have lots more fun things to do.

We have had the same problem with one of our daughters and vacation that we had worked hard for. It turned out great. She went with us and had the time of her life. We also were disappointed that she didn't get involved in the planning of the vacation but later on we realized that just wasn't important to her like it was to us. Since you've had a change for the better - try to keep that momentum going by asking her to check the weather forecast for your destination; just the 2 of you going shopping for a new outfit; enlist her "help" in deciding between 2 things (in other words, narrow down an activity to 2 things and once you've done that - tell her that you really aren't sure which sounds more fun). Once you're on vacation - relax. Don't watch your daughter for every little mood swing. Ask her to be the "family vacation photographer" and have fun with it! Let us know how it goes.

Those are great ideas and I'll certainly take on your ideas to help keep the momentum going. Making her the photographer for the trip is brilliant. She's decided she really wants to go bungy jumping and to have a ride in a Zorb... a massive plastic ball you sit inside with two other people and roll down a grassy hill in... that I've got to try too! LOL! I love doing kids stuff.

I hope you're right, and she has a ball of a time... I'll drop some of her photos here for you... around mid April :)

ZORB™ Ball | Adventure | Fun | Tourism New Zealand

Thanks again!

It sounds like she's warming up to the idea.

How about you and her come up with something fun for just the two of you to do together when you're in New Zealand? You could do one outing together and it gives you a chance to get some one-on-one time with your daughter and it also gives your partner some one-on-one time with his sons.

Your daughter might really look forward to doing something special with mom, just the two of you. I know if I were in her shoes, that would make me feel really good.

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Originally Posted by MicroMama

It sounds like she's warming up to the idea.

How about you and her come up with something fun for just the two of you to do together when you're in New Zealand? You could do one outing together and it gives you a chance to get some one-on-one time with your daughter and it also gives your partner some one-on-one time with his sons.

Your daughter might really look forward to doing something special with mom, just the two of you. I know if I were in her shoes, that would make me feel really good.

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What a lovely thought... I know she wants to try boot camp and I think that could be fun too. She has a thing at the moment of wanting her own personal trainer come to our home... I have no idea where she got that idea from. If she was into a facial and massage treatment, that would be better for me, although I doubt that's going to appeal to her as much. Maybe we could do boot camp or something similar in the morning and have a massage in the afternoon... actually, she might enjoy that.

I also like the idea of giving my partner time just with his boys. As they now live interstate, he doesn't see them as much as he would like and I'm sure he would appreciate that thought.

Glad to hear that a breakthrough was achieved. I know that girls that age can have some really weird ideas about not wanting to spend time with the family. Hooray for your boyfriend in this breakthrough. Sometimes just sitting down and having a nice chat is all it takes.

Hope she volunteers for some kind of duty while on the vacation such as meal planner or today's activities available to the family or photographer (or picture arranger such as you stand there and you stand over there type thing). She could also keep a diary of sorts so everyone could remember that on Monday we did this and Tuesday we did that. Not a minute by minute thing but just a daily rendition of what went on to remember this vacation.

I once had the chance when I was 18 to go to Europe for 2 weeks with my mom. I declined as I didn't want to go "just with my mom" I wanted to go on my honeymoon with my husband. Was I ever a dummy for not going. I have regretted this for over 40 years now. I could have kissed the Blarney Stone, gone to the Tower of London, up into the Eiffel Tower, ridden in the canal boats of Amsterdam and a few other wonderful adventures my mom had. I missed out on all these adventures as I didn't wand to go with "just my mom". Kick me. Kick me again real hard. :D:D:D:D:eek:

Nah, would never want ot hurt you Twinks... you're too good a person for that... I might say 'what? You didn't grab the chance to kiss the Blarney Stone when you had it!'

Ahhh, Ireland, now wouldn't that be nice.

Come to think of it Twinks, I wasn't keen on being seen with my mum either at that age... hmm... maybe that's what it is? I am so slow at figuring these things out.

My partner does like the idea of me taking time off for me to be with my daughter and for him to go off with the boyz. He's wondering if there might be a footy game worth watching... although he might have to take my daughter to that, since she played a mean game of AFL last year, having scored most the goals for her side. She isn't butch by the way... she's actually very attractive. It's just that she's good at a lot of sports and wants to be a personal trainer one day... which I think is a great choice for her.

Getting her to volunteer as meal planner might be a bit trickier, lol. That would amount to upteen packets of Arnotts Shapes, some lettuce and lots and lots of fruit.

We had an awesome time in New Zealand. The kids were great the whole time and dived into everything... we had a taste of Auckland, stayed a few days in a gorgeous unit right on the beach, stayed a few days after that in a beautiful shack on a stunning lake, did lots of exciting things like body boarding, kayaking, going to a natural outdoor thermal spa on Rotatoti Lake, went on a ride in a speeding jet boat, rolled down a grassy hill in a giant plastic ball full of water, and as a grand finale to our holiday, did a gruelling 19 kilometer (10 hour) trek over stunning mountains in Tongariro National Park only a few days ago... with an incredible view of Mt Doom from Lord of The Rings fame and a few walkers dressed up as Lord of The Ring characters!

I've tried downloading photos onto an album here that hasn't worked... so will keep trying, just to show how stunning New Zealand is...

Thanks again for all the encouraging words beforehand... it was just what I needed at the time! We're back now and had a great family holiday. It was just awesome.