Hi Everyone,

It's me again. I have BPD and I constantly look for reassurance and validation from my boyfriend which whom I live with. I go to a therapist once a week, and a psyciatrist every other month, but I can't stop doing this to him or myself. How do I stop.

My therapist says that anytime the dark thoughts of my boyfriend leaving or cheating (which he hasn't on any of these things, it is my fears) and I feel myself beginning to have a crying/depressed episode I am to go into our bedroom alone and try and think and write things down to validate myself and look at reality so I don't push my boyfriend away which I have been doing. It's not working. How do I stop this behavior that is so destructive? I really need all the advice I can get.

Thanks so much.

I love you, don't leave me while I push you away...

I know only too well the overwhelming dread of invasive thoughts, and how they can take over rational thought.

Is your boyfriend knowledgeable about BPD? Part of your healing is appropriate responses from him. Perhaps there is something he can learn, that will make it easier for you.

I think the idea of getting that negative energy out by writing is a good idea. It may not be something that works every single time, but it will most likely turn your thinking around and dissipate some of the negative thoughts.

Keep it simple. Who are you angry at, or what are you angry about. What have you done to communicate your thoughts and feelings- i.e. the boyfriend. Do you think he understood you. If not, how can you communicate what you need him to know calmly, at another time. When did you feel this 'change' coming on, and was there anything you could have done differently to gain a better perspective.

It isn't easy but you have to keep working on appropriate responses, and keep up with the therapy and excercises you are given. Everybody has their weak moments, BPD or no, you are not alone.

Don't beat yourself up, just resolve to handle the situation differently next time, and all you can do is your best. It's always the worst when it is somebody you love, which is where their understanding comes into play as well.

Good luck.

Hi Jake,

Thank you so much for your response. I feel so aweful when my episodes appear. My boyfriend is the most supportive person in the whole world, and I can't thank him or God enough for bringing us together and for bringing such a beautiful person into my life. I know I won't get better overnight, but does anyone know of a way to actually change your thought pattern to a more positive one? Affirmations don't really help me.

Thanks, Karen

One of the most difficult things for anybody, is to see yourself as others see you.

After you have responded in a way you didn't want to, look at the circumstances again, and think of how you could have done things differently. For every action there is a reaction, see if another way of looking at the same situation and reacting differently, would have changed the outcome.

Try thinking of it as a replay, like a football replay. Play it over in your mind as an outsider, and try to understand what each player did.

People with BPD can go from zero to 60 in less than 2 seconds. I don't know if that is the case with you, but if it is, try to correct the speed when you feel it getting out of your control. Just slow down.

It is so hard after the fact to apologize for much of which, is beyond your control. If you are unsure of what 'it' is, just say so. Building logic upon something that has no meaning only confuses things.

Sometimes things just don't fit. It is hard, but try to be really cognizant of what reactions work, and what reactions don't. When you see the reaction in others to your behaviour, take a step back, and realize that it is probably not an appropriate response, and lean on what you have learned to change directions.

I know that somebody can tell you they love you till the cows come home, but that isn't going to make you feel better. It is nice to hear the words, but they come to make you feel secure, and reassure you things are okay. But, it doesn't change your behaviour, or make it any easier to understand the feelings that are very real to you.

Have you ever heard of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy? It is a newer therapy that is mostly based on a group setting, and shows promise for borderlines.

I think we underestimate this disorder. And we underestimate the intelligence of those with it, to change.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

There have been far to many young women like yourself who could benefit from this type of behavioural therapy, who don't have qualified people to teach it. But, if you look online for DBT, there is a lot of information. Might be worth checking out.

Thanks so much, I will definitely check it out. I wish there was a DBT group in my area, but I don't think there is. But, I will research this and hopefully there is.

Thank you so much Jake, and I will keep you posted.

Is there I way that I can apologize to my boyfriend for my behavior? I've said I'm sorry a million times, and I know he knows it's not my fault, he just wants me to get better, as I do.

I think that if you have apologized, and he has accepted your apology, then that should be the end of it.

Because it is something that for now at least, is unpredictable, feeling guilty and trying to make up for what happened, will only make it worse-for you.

Think of it as having a migraine. You came down with one on the night you were supposed to go to an awards dinner with your boyfriend and his family. Plans and arrangements had been in the works for months. Suddenly you are paralyzed with a blinding headache, and cannot function.

It would be a disappointment to your boyfriend that you were left at home in the dark with a wet cloth over your head and a bucket next to your bed, but he would understand.

If you were to apologize for the migraine a million times, and go overboard with it at every opportunity, it would seem innapropriate wouldn't it?

It is something you have no control over other than to get through it intact on the other side.

People that love you do understand, and don't expect you to keep beating yourself up over something that happened because of an illness you have.

It is the illness that causes the behaviour, not a purposeful willingness to ruin someone's day.

I think it is safe to say he forgives you. Now you must forgive yourself, and move on.

The key will be to learn, or re-learn, appropriate responses, before something happens.

Thanks Jake, that is the hard part. Is to relearn or 'rewire' my brain to think differently. I know it won't happen overnight, but I wish I could be better already. It is so frustrating to him and me.

The plus side of this for you Starlite is that you know what you are dealing with.

The diagnosis is still a difficult one to make, and treatment is, in my opinion, not behavioural enough. Also a good part of borderlines also have concurrent disorders to deal with, which makes a diagnosis even harder.

I think you are absolutely right with the re-wiring part. It really boils down to learning appropriate responses that non borderlines instinctively have. What seems easy, can sometimes be overwhelmingly difficult, confusing and depressing when those wires do not fire properly.

I admire you for tackling this, and keeping up your therapy, and trying so hard. I know you are a good person, and smart, and willing to learn. You will get past this and gain confidence. I have faith in you!

Thank you so much Jake and Clough. I really am going to somehow make it through this disorder I will do whatever it takes. You are all so great here and I want to genuinly thank you as well. I will keep you posted, and of course be there for all of you too.