Sigh. Broken heart and hating life. 4 1/2 years gone.
Threads merged
I've been on this MSG board for awhile now.. reading, absorbing, trying to learn and understand.. so I figured it was about time to share my story.
I met my girlfriend when she was 19- I was 26.. (im now 31- she's 24) and trust me after two other long relationships with younger girls I was very worried to try again.. but she was 'different', and to this day she truly was. Anyway- I have my own place and had a roomate- and recently she really started pushing me to move in/take the next steps- not marriage but talk about the future, house, etc.. But I didn't want to talk about it. I felt I was not ready- I had Peter Pan syndrome and did not want to grow up. Her moving in I related to taking a huge step, almost as if... it was like marriage. Some people do not make a big deal of it, but I did. So.. I pushed her ideas away, and wouldn't even discuss it. Anyway- it kept coming up and eventually led to me basically saying "if you want to move in, set dates/timeslines for our future, etc im not the guy.. because I'm not ready for that".. and I really just didn't feel ready- having a roommate, I just wasn't. Well.. we broke up and here's where I summarize a lot. She wanted me back for months- I told her I REALLY wanted to think about it, because if we get back together that's it- we're getting married, moving in, buying a house, etc.. She ALWAYS knew I was 'the one' bla bla.. I didn't. So after she went crazy blowing up my phone, emails, etc.. She finally left me to clear my head. I realized during this time that I had everything in life- family, friends, job, house... I just needed her, and now was ready to spend my life with HER.
Well.. after 3 months of pushing her away cause I was trying to figure things out- when I tried to get her back- it was a no go. I had 'hurt her too badly'. Now in these 2-3 months I still saw her, emailed her, text her.. kept communication open. I never talked to another female, got phone numbers- nothing.. I NEVER once cared 'what was on the other side of the fence'. It was either her or no other... and she always felt the same. Well... this was 4 months ago and I've been trying to get her back since. I tried giving her space, talking to her family, etc. Her mom, brothers, friends, want me back with her- but I know she is not a robot- and the decision will come from her. I did all the reaching out to her, and she basically told me "I guess I gave up". Well.. to this day she continues to tell me "I just don't know what I want". She hasn't hung out with any other guys, gotten any numbers- she tells me "If I don't know what I want with the guy I've loved for 4 1/2 years.. im not trying to meet any new people". And I believe her. Anyone that has tried to talk to her she just says the same thing "I don't know what I want.." bla.. I guess it really sucks when you lose soemone, clear your head, and then want them back more then you ever had.. and want to become a better person because of it. I've read books, watched videos - "the secret" etc.. Anything to become even a better boyfriend if she ever came back. No I never cheated, lied, deceived her, nothing.. never physically hurt her- I just 'took too long to make up my mind' and then it was too late. I ran into her this weekend randomly and she still says the same thing "I dont know what I want.." as I stand in dis-belief still to this day that she won't give it another chance.
I have surely almost become self-destructive with work, the gym, eating, and sleeping. Just like everyone else who lost a love I staired at pictures night and day, prayed to god to bring her back, etc.. But nothing helps. I know to keep busy, try to focus on the things I enjoy doing- but at the end of the night I sit home, alone, and miss her. She hasn't given me even an ounce of hope, so I don't know why I am still in denial.. I guess it's because she just keeps saying "I just don't know what I want". I don't know... there are many details here and there but the bottom line is.. I pushed her away when she wanted to spend her life with me and move forward- and when I was ready to take those steps, it was too late... I have very supportive family and friends.. but it still hurts just as much today as it did 4 months ago. - we've now been broken up for 6-7 months total. She hasn't talked to anyone else and neither have I. I don't want to.. not even to socialize. I love her family, she loves mine, we've travelled the world together.. and now it's over. She is not a drinker, never cared about partying, isn't permiscuous etc.. I guess maybe she really did just get hurt, and gave up.. I know the advice will be to let her go, don't talk to her family/friends anymore, and if it's meant to be it will be.. and I'm trying to do that.. I really am. I know there is no time-lines on a broken heart, hers or mine.. but I guess maybe I had hoped she would have seen that besides this issue of taking the next step.. we had it all together.. and I truly was a really good boyfriend to her. I'm one of those people that believes in honestly no matter what, good values/morals.. and if I can't keep a promise I'll never make one..
Life sux.. thumper.
Went down a dangerous road tonight.
Merged threads
Well.. if you don't know my story- girlfriend of 4 1/2 years lost her 6 months ago.. still love her to death. Anyway.. went to the gym tonight, friend of mine mentioned he now realized who my ex was, saw pictures of her on Facebook, etc.. Well about one exercise into my workout (mind you the gym is my ONLY thing I have been able to focus on) I lost my head. I had to leave. Just the thoughts of her our and about ,having fun, meeting new people, perhaps guys ate right through me. I ended up at the beach, alone, contemplating some bad stuff... called a few close friends.. chatted. I went to the bar, drank by myself (first time in my life ever doing this), and got completely wasted. Called a close friend who came and got me with his fiancé and dropped me off at my house with my car.
So now I sit here, as always hating life, alone and wanting it all to end. I want to wake up numb to all this and make it go away. I have evertyhing in life going for me- but NONE of it seems to matter anymore... friends, family, the gym, etc.. Nothing matters since I have nobody to share my love/heart with.
I really really.. hate life...
Thump..