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-   -   Quick, short story I would like some input on. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=329736)

  • Mar 15, 2009, 08:31 PM
    Chillaxguy90
    Quick, short story I would like some input on.
    AN OLD MAN

    I once looked into a man's eyes, and saw something absolutely amazing. Pain, Love, Suffering, Lies, Truths, Loss, and much more. But above all, I saw Sadness. I walked over to the man, and threw my arms around him. He was shocked, but returned the hug. I looked at him once more and smiled. I saw the tear, the relief, the gratefulness. He told me she was beautiful, spirited, and full of life. I asked him when it happened, he told me last night. He told me that their separation won't be long. A tear clouded my vision, yet I could tell he saw my understanding. I offered another hug and turned to leave. Before I could though, he asked how I knew. I told him it was his eyes. I said that eyes are the only thing God made that couldn't lie. He smiled. The old man passed a week later. I looked into those eyes once more and saw the last truth they held, happiness.

    -- "The Face Is Like A Demonic Being, It's Full Of Lies And Deception. Eyes On The Other Hand Are Angelic, Truthful, And Beautiful."

    DON'T GIVE UP

    On a cold and rainy day, there is a man standing on a street corner. Up walks a businessman who says to the other, "Why do you stand on this corner in the rain?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The businessman, unsatisfied with the answer, walks away leaving the man alone once more. Next walks up a close acquaintance of the man and he asks, "Joe, why do you stand on this corner in the rain?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The close acquaintance shakes his head and walks away, leaving the man once again, alone. Finally a little girls walks up to the man and asks, "What's wrong?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The little girl looks into the man's eyes and says, "That's okay, I understand. But isn't there someone you love?"
    "Y-yes," replied the man.
    "Do they know you gave up?"
    "N-no."
    "Don't you think you're going to make them sad?"
    "I already have."
    The girl suddenly gives the man a great big hug and says, "Never give up. Someone will always love you and will help you whenever you need it. Even if you make them sad, they will never stop loving you. Never give up." The man returns the hug and smiles at the little girl. "Thank you," he said.

    -- "To be loved is a wonderful gift, to love in return is the greatest gift to ever be given."


    Let me know what you guys think of them. Any proofreading would also be greatly appreciated.
  • Mar 15, 2009, 08:44 PM
    Wondergirl
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90 View Post
    I looked into those eyes once more and saw the last truth they held, happiness.

    I'm having trouble with this sentence. Maybe you should be at his bedside while he's still alive. Happiness would not show in a dead person's eyes.
  • Mar 15, 2009, 08:52 PM
    Wondergirl
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by Chillaxguy90 View Post
    On a cold and rainy day, there is a man standing on a street corner. Up walks a businessman who says to the other, "Why do you stand on this corner in the rain?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The businessman, unsatisfied with the answer, walks away leaving the man alone once more. Next walks up a close acquaintance of the man and he asks, "Joe, why do you stand on this corner in the rain?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The close acquaintance shakes his head and walks away, leaving the man once again, alone. Finally a little girls walks up to the man and asks, "What's wrong?" The man looks up and replies, "I have given up." The little girl looks into the man's eyes and says, "That's okay, I understand. But isn't there someone you love?"
    "Y-yes," replied the man.
    "Do they know you gave up?"
    "N-no."
    "Don't you think you're going to make them sad?"
    "I already have."
    The girl suddenly gives the man a great big hug and says, "Never give up. Someone will always love you and will help you whenever you need it. Even if you make them sad, they will never stop loving you. Never give up." The man returns the hug and smiles at the little girl. "Thank you," he said.

    The word "up" appears far too many times.

    How can the little girl loo into the man's eyes? He is much taller than she is.

    Why does the man look up when the little girl asks him what's wrong? Shouldn't he look down? In fact, all the men standing in the rain look up (and get a faceful of rain?).

    I'm not sure I like the little girl hugging a strange man.

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