Ask Me Help Desk - Can't get over a cheating boyfriend

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16, I am now 21 so 5 years in total. It hasn't been a perfect relationship but I always thought we could get through anything and we would be together forever. I trusted him 100% but I found out a few days ago that he has been sleeping with another girl for about 3 months? He said the reason he did it is because he doesn't trust me and he thought I was cheating, but I never give him any reason to doubt me so I'm still confused as to why he did it, I asked if its because he doesn't love me anymore or if I don't satisfy him? But he denies it all and said she meant nothing to him and he will never do it again, things have kind of gone back to normal its as if he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, he hasn't made an effort to make me feel secure again he just thinks saying sorry is enough but there are still so many un answered questions, when ever I want to talk about it he says that I need to put it behind me so we can move on but he doesn't understand I need to why he did it, because then I no if he will do it again or not? My friends and family have told me to leave him and move on but I love him so much! Do I give him another chance, I'm not how to I get over him? I am hurting so bad, I can't stop crying and I feel like I can't live without him. I can't even contemplate being with another man, he has made me feel so inadequate and I just don't understand what I did wrong, I'm not perfect but I always put him first in my life I never lied to him in fact he practically ocntrols every aspect of my life and I always made him feel loved. Im so scared that this pain will never fade and I will never stop loving him, what if I leave him and I never get over him? I'm so confused I just don't no what to do for the best? :(

Few things here, but first and foremost, welcome to AMHD. There are going to be a TON of people coming on here to give you advice, all of it with your best interests in their heart. I know my advice isn't the best, but here is my take on the situation.

He cheated on you for 3 months. There is a difference between cheating on someone by having a one night stand and going behind some one's back for 3 LONG months. That involves a lot of lying, hiding, and flat out premeditated deception.

His excuse is also perhaps the most lame excuse I have ever heard. He did it because he thought you were cheating on him?? Are you serious? That is so unbelievably stupid I really don't know how to react to that. You should get rid of him for having the nerve to think you are stupid enough to fall for that. Think about that. If that is how he handles problems in the relationship of the future, would you want to be with him? I sure as hell wouldn't want a girlfriend who handled things like that.

Lastly, he has broken your spirit and inner confidence enough to make you think that he has done nothing wrong, and to also make you think you are lucky to have him. That is the biggest problem here. From your post, it doesn't even seem if he is that remorseful about the entire event. The only way you can repair your inner beauty and your own sense of adequacy, is by getting get rid of him. His behavior suggests that of a user, an abuser and someone who takes full advantage of the person they are with.

Just my take. Sorry, and good luck!

You certainly have a lot invested in this relationship already -- five years of your life is almost 24% of the time you have lived up until now. Right now you have to do some serious thinking and weigh all of your options, before you invest any more. Above all, and no matter what happens, do not lose hope in yourself. The rejection of one man does not make you inadequate, and it doesn't make you an undesirable person. If you forget who you are, then you have allowed this man to steal away and control your very heart and soul. Losing yourself is not what love is about.

Since you've obviously been in the relationship for the long haul, you have to identify and address the problems that have come up so far, and his cheating seems to be the foremost of those issues. So let's address that one first. You've said there are other issues, and I hope you will be able to share some of them in this forum. It will give us more insight into his drives and motivations, and the advice you get will be better as a result.

When choosing a mate one of the most important things is his character. Choose a man with a good character -- there are literally billions of men out there, and millions with good temperament and character. In my experience it is not very realistic to expect someone to change into your perfect mate; it is much more likely that the person will move the flaw underground, which never solves the problem. It's more likely that he will be more careful about the cheating, so you will never see it because it will become better disguised from you. Keep in mind that you need to be able to trust him when he makes a promise (say, for example, a marriage vow).

Despite the doubts you might feel while you're unattached and in the grip of loneliness and desperation, it is always better as a policy to keep tossing the rejects aside and hunting for better men because they are out there, and I promise that they are dying to meet you.

You might not realize that some men don't consider a dating arrangement to be any sort of a promise, like a marriage. It makes logical, evolutionary sense for them to play the field as long as possible, until the right woman is found (however, this does still reflect badly on their character). When opportunities present themselves, they might be too attractive for him to resist. He may have impulse and self control issues; as a consequence he may have problems saving money -- does he spend everything he earns on himself? Not a good quality in a potential husband.

Remember that he is also presumably looking for women of good character. One of the questions you need to ask is, does he consider you a woman of good character? Can he trust you? What does he tell you he likes about you?

I don't want to hurt you with this statement, but I do want you to think about it:

He does not trust you.

Alarm bells went off in my head when I read, "he practicly ocntrols every aspect of my life."

Love is not about control and it is not about mistrust. Men who don't trust you will try to find out where you are at every moment, who you are with, even how long it takes you to travel from one place to another. Men who do this--they do it because they themselves cannot be trusted. They are sneaks and cheats and liars, and I have seen too many women abused physically, mentally, and sexually because these men eventually evolve into monsters. This behavior is a sign of hatred, not of love.

If he cared about you and really cared about saving the relationship, he would make himself totally available to answer every question you have about his infidelity, at any time you feel ready to ask, even if that takes a hundred years. He would be willing to comfort and console you, and he would tell you how special you are to him, and every statement he made should be about YOU, and not about HIM. For example, he should say "you are the only person in my heart" instead of "I can't live without you." I hope you understand the difference.

I think that because you have so much invested in the relationship, that your emotions will tell you to save it (and to save him), and you probably also want to ignore the problems. It is clear from the language that you use, that you love him very much.

Just ask yourself if he is good enough to deserve your love.

If not, I would start by meeting a few of those million other guys who really deserve the opportunity to get to know someone as special as you.

Let's just assume for a second that he never cheated on you.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

he said the reason he did it is because he doesnt trust me

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Originally Posted by hana1987

he has made me feel so inadequate

This is not how a man treats a woman. Cheating or not, you have certain standards of a relationship that you give him, and he is not returning them to you. If he doesn't trust you after 5 years then he never will. If he, after 5 years thinks the best way to manage a relationship is to make you feel inadequeate, when did he ever take the time to learn about the real you?

Now let me answer a few questions.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

and i just dont understand what i did wrong,

Nothing. Nor is this the time for self blame. Place the blame squarely where it belongs and that is on his shoulders. The very fact that he lacks a pair to even talk to you about it should tell you he knows this too.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

im not perfect

Nobody is. But you are more perfect then he is.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

but i always put him first in my life

Now is a good time to put yourself first. You've earned the right, and he's lost that that right in this relationship.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

i never lied to him infact he practicly ocntrols every aspect of my life

With all due respect this is probably one of the reasons he cheated, besides the fact he's a coward. A guy shouldn't want to control your life, he should want to be a part of it. You have your own life to lead, and he has his. The relationship is in the middle.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

and i always made him feel loved.

He did not return the favor. So the relationship is over.

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Originally Posted by hana1987

Im so scared that this pain will never fade and i will never stop loving him, what if i leave him and i never get over him? im so confused i just dont no what to do for the best? :(

While I understand your fears, and I can tell you that break ups suck. Do you really want to stay with someone when you are not getting the same kind of relationship back that you are putting in? Do you really want to be in a relationship in which you can not trust this person? Do you really want to stay in a unhealthy relationship, instead of being in a healthy relationship with yourself?

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my friends and family have told me to leave him and move on but I love him so much!

You may love him, but do you trust him?

Trust is the foundation of a relationship. If you do not have trust, there is no relationship. You cannot have one without the other.

Like KC said, this wasn't a one night stand, "oops!"... this was three long months of cheating. That is a habit. Once is a mistake, repetitive infractions are the definitions of a habit.

He has made a habit of cheating on you and making you feel inadequate. That is not a man.

You deserve so much better.

I wouldn't give him a chance.

This is one of the best set of answers I've seen.

I just want to add one thing, to answer your question. If you leave, and I think you should, the pain WILL get easier. In a year, I can guarantee you will not be feeling the pain you feel now, thinking about his infidelity and thinking about the possibility that the relationship is over. It will be behind you and you will be much happier, probably a lot sooner than a year, but I'm just looking forward.

I am pretty sure that when you get some distance on this relationship you will realize that you did the right thing. Even if later on you remember some of the good times, you will not be in terrible pain, but just cherish the good and still know that the relationship was over and you did the right thing for yourself.

Leave this man and get to work on building yourself confidence up so that in your next relationship you are not letting someone else control every aspect of your life. You sound like a loving person and a catch! You are young and someone else more honest and able to cherish you will come along.

Also, I do not believe he cheated because he didn't trust you or thought you were cheating. I think he cheated because he felt like trying something different. He has not made an serious effort to make amends and is blaming you for the hurt he has caused. Seriously, dump him. He lies, he has no sense of responsibility, and he is controlling and emotionally abusive, just to pick a few major flaws.. You can do much better.

You really need to get a life without him in it, and get your confidence, and self esteem, by building a life that you enjoy, and learning to be happy with who you are, and love yourself by doing good things for yourself.

Its hard at first, but you will grow from the effort, and love the results.