Ours was a love marriage in 2001 against our family wishes : 6 years of courtship and 8 years of married life : Today I come to know my wife starting loving another person last year : no physical relationship but she had love feelings for him : I am completely broke : iloved her more than anyone in life : I respected her more than anyone else : how can anybody go in a relationship in spite of so much love given?? I am completely blank
This came to light as the person she was liking committed suicide because of his financial issues : he called her last before committing suicide :i knew that person as just my wife`s friend : my wife told me that this guy has committed suicide : when I wanted the details of what she had spoken to him so that she does not land in some poice trouble : she told the details : she repents and says she made a mistake and wants me to forgive her : but I am numbstuck : I cannot believe this is is happening to me : I cannot give her the same p lace I used to see her : she says she was broke with me when we had a heated family fight and at the heat of the moment I had physiccally abused her : I am completely blank : she took that one incident in mind and forgot all other things. I don`t know what to do : if I forgive -- she won`t be the same person for me in my mind... don`t know what to do

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You need to see a therapist. I can't condone an emotional affair, considering that it may have happened to me, but you hit her. I want you to sit and think about that, and then about this. What type of pedestal did your wife have you on, before you hit her? Think on that, because that is key here. If she felt the same for you, and based what you've written there is no reason to not think it at this point, then the man she thought you were disappeared in her eyes that night. And has been carrying that. You both need therapy, and fast. It will be better if you suggest it. Most men won't and women know that, so it will go a long way in her mind.

You need to see a couples therapist.

Both of you have done wrong, and if you weren't married I'd say walk away.

Emotional cheating, physical abuse...

It's time to be honest and truthful with each other and yourself.

You physically abuse your wife, and get mad when she had to find emotional solace elsewhere? Your mad because she had the honesty to tell you about it?

You need a lot of help, and I hope you get it, as a professional can help you see the part you played in the way things turned out. I hope you move quickly, and get over yourself serving attitude, as your wife needs you now after being emotionally traumatized by the death of the friend who cared enough to help her, in her time of need.

You have again failed her, and if you weren't so tied up in your BS, you would see the pain your actions have caused and made some dramatic changes in a hurry.

Please hurry up, and get the help you need!!

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Originally Posted by ka1

You need to see a therapist. I can't condone an emotional affair, considering that it may have happened to me, but you hit her. I want you to sit and think about that, and then about this. What type of pedestal did your wife have you on, before you hit her? Think on that, because that is key here. If she felt the same for you, and based what you've written there is no reason to not think it at this point, then the man she thought you were disappeared in her eyes that night. And has been carrying that. You both need therapy, and fast. it will be better if you suggest it. Most men won't and women know that, so it will go a long way in her mind.

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Thanks fr reading my post :
I admit I made a mistake hiting here : however serious the situation I should not have hit her : but I too am dissatisfied with her in many ways : I did not run to another woman just because of that :For last 1 year she was running the relationship fine without me having a hint about it : smartly she was behaving with me as if everything was okay : I too thought she has forgiven me for that incident as it happened at the heat of the moment : I did not mean harm to her : I thought we have moved on : She says she realilsed her mistake 6 months back when she was hospitalised for viral fever and I took care of her : from then she is trying to move away from that relationship. But I am in a mental state that she is making up with me just because her parents don`t come to know of these things :

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You physically abuse your wife, and get mad when she had to find emotional solace elsewhere?? Your mad because she had the honesty to tell you about it??

You need a lot of help, and I hope you get it, as a professional can help you see the part you played in the way things turned out. I hope you move quickly, and get over your self serving attitude, as your wife needs you now after being emotionally traumatized by the death of the friend who cared enough to help her, in her time of need.

You have again failed her, and if you weren't so tied up in your BS, you would see the pain your actions have caused and made some dramatic changes in a hurry.

Please hurry up, and get the help you need!!

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Thanks for your suggestion
But she did not honestly tell me things : it was because of me asking her to tell whatever she had spoken to that guy so that she does not land in police trouble : when I said that the police can hear whatever she had spoken to him : she broke down
And I don`t hit my wife everyday : the heated argument started because of her lethargic , lazy and careless attitude about everything : which was affecting her life : physically , mentally : and our life :
I stilll love her a lot but cannot believe her as how she managed the relationship : without me even having a hint about it : smartly behaving with me as if everything is okay and we have moved away from that incident : she even acknowledged that it was due to her mistake that the incident happened : I even apoligised for my actions and the matter and she promised to be careful in future : I asked her to do a job so that she would come out of this state : asked her to join a class : it is in this class that this friend she had and went on...

Is it me, or am I hearing you right, what has the police have to do with all this??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Is it me, or am I hearing you right, what has the police have to do with all this???

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The person she loved called her in night before committing suicide : next morning she called him to see everything was all right : the person`s sister took the phone and told her brother has committed suicide : in a suicide case police does the investigation : she was the last person he spoke to before committing suicide : so she could have landed in any police trouble : that is the reason when she told me morning that her friend has committed suicide - I asked her what she had spoken to him last - I told her to tell correctly and exactly what she had s poken last night with the guy : so that if any police enquiry comes we can handle it - that is when she broke down and told about the affair

You say affair, but is that a fair assessment of a relationship that sounds like friendship, when there was no sex??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You say affair, but is that a fair assesment of a relationship that sounds like friendship, when there was no sex???

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Initially it was friendship: but the guy proposed her afterwards and she was also loving him by then,. anyway last night she repented a lot and wanted emotional support from me to come out of all this : I can`t say no to her : I still love her a lot and don`t want to lose her... she is the best thing that has happened in my life.. we have decided to move on. And not discuss this incident anymore : either of us.. don`t know what future has in store... am grateful that I was able to speak out here in this forum as I could not have spoken about these things with anyone freely...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You say affair, but is that a fair assesment of a relationship that sounds like friendship, when there was no sex???

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Please forget about the issue of love affair with the man - for he's now dead! Concentrate on mending the misunderstanding that caused the disaffection in your relationship!

Cheers!

I would STILL suggest counseling.

THERE IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOUR PARTNER OR ANYONE EVEN ONCE.

I honestly think that you need to go to counseling. Sounds like your trying to put a lot of blame on her. Guess what people have feelings for other people at different levels, does not necessary mean she was having an affair.

Sorry, but justifying your actions as being one time does not matter. Sounds like you are controlling and obsessive and that she was not allowed to have any friends outside of the marriage. Which is normal by the way.

As far as the person committing suicide that was her friend. She needs no forgiveness by you. She needs counseling as well.
You Need to let her go. She needs to let you go.

You both need to move on. You need to take responsibility for your own actions.

I do not know what else to say to you.

I know how exactly it feels to have someone cheat on you... I know its really hard and you feel betrayed and all but if you truly love this woman than it shoudnt get in the way neh? So look deep inside of you to see if what you feel for her is true love.

Sometime people mistaken love as what it is. Maybe they need them in their life more than they want? I don't mean anything about it though trust me I've been in a similar boat although I haven't been with her for so long as you but I have been long enough to make a really deep connection with her and she is my first love.

But yah.. I know that if you love someone you would never hit them even if you felt betrayed. That's not real love. Im not trying to say that you don't have that thought I'm just saying it but I totally understand where you are coming from.

Best of luck~

You need the counseling if you don't get it, this will happen again. Meaning you may snap and hit her again.

Okay, I'm surprised she did not physically cheat! She must have had a lot of will power.
Its quite understanding why she feel in love, you abused her. My dad abused my mom and since then she has never seen him the same way, and yes, that is all she remembers because of the adrenaline and the fear.
In the end you should forgive her, because she didn't not commit physical reactions..
Both you and your wife need to forgive each other. She has to forgive you for abusing her, you have to forgive her for loving someone.
And both of you are afraid that it might happen again..
I guess you equal...

You should never abuse someone... Never.. Especially your wife and kids... They don't deserve it.. and they remember it forever, because it is too hard to erase...

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Originally Posted by unspeaken21

Okay, im surprised she did not physically cheat! She must have had a lot of will power.
Its quite understanding why she feel inlove, you abused her. My dad abused my mom and since then she has never seen him the same way, and yes, that is all she remembers because of the adrenaline and the fear.
In the end you should forgive her, because she didnt not commit physical reactions..
Both you and your wife need to forgive each other. she has to forgive you for abusing her, you have to forgive her for loving someone.
And both of you are afraid that it might happen again..
I guess you equal...

You should never abuse someone... Never.. Especially your wife and kids...They dont deserve it.. and they remember it forever, because it is too hard to erase....

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I understand : it was my mistake : I should have never hit her even in a fit of rage : in any situation : I am trying to recover from the shock : I am trying to erase this unpleasant memories and work on our marriage as she realises her mistake and I don`t want to lose her : I love her and cannot imagine life without her :: and I have apoligised to her after the hitting incident only but again asking her to forgive me for my behaviour : which is the cause : I was thinking hard of this incident - what to do : something was holding me back for forgiving her for her mistake : even something was holding me back from removing her from my life :Some People in my life have taken advantage of me - - be it financially or otherwise - helped them in their hour of need but getting cheated when I needed them the most : This thought was killing me most - getting cheated by my best friend : my love who meant the world to me : whom I believed blindly : I known people will tell people you love most don`t hit them : I did a mistake : nt a mistake - a blunder : an action which I condoned in other people : I did it myself : but when she said she realises she realises her mistake also and needs my emotional support to come out of it - I cannot hold myself back : I feel awful for the incident but for that cannot lose her :i will help her : be with her and make her life : our life : our relationship as strong as it was : Praying to god to give us the strength to move forward :

Then I wish both of you the best..
I can tell you really love her
And it sounds like she really loves you too.

For now you should be thankful that she didn't have sex with that man. She respects you, its obvious. Most women would have gone all the way, but your wife didn't.
I do believe you can make it work with your wife, as long as both of you are being true to your feelings, and I'm glad your both trying (but please don't have one of your episodes again, because it does change everything.. Many people say they won't do it again, but they do.. so I hope you truly mean it).

Goodluck with your relationship with your wife.
You sound very sincere above, and it shows that you and your wife have a strong relationship, seeing as you both got married against your families wishes...
...
Also, sometimes love can be confused with another feeling... Like obsession, infatuation, etc... Since she felt "broke" with you after the abuse, its really possible it wasn't truly "real" love... this could be the case, who knows...
...
Honestly, I wish you both good luck to overcome what happened between you two. I hope you both can make it..

All this understanding and sorrow you feel and are expressing, needs to be expressed to her in THERAPY. If you don't do that, I fear this will be on a short time frame. I haven't heard you say you're willing to do that, if you're not then, this will end badly sooner or later. I know I'm not the only one who has said this and I don't want you feel like you're getting attacked. But if yo want to heal from her betrayal, and you want her to look at you the way she used too, this is the only way that is going to happen.