Ask Me Help Desk - I need opinions about my situation

What should I do?
Me and my ex have been together for a while now. We have been together for about 1 year but before that both of us have been secretly liking each other. I have known her for about 5 years now. Recently well not recently this situation happened a while back but a guy from her high school years came back into her life and confessed his love to her all of a sudden. She haven't talked to him much in high school although they were still friends but recently he has been around her a lot lately. I met her through and online game and we spent countless hours talking to each other every single day. We live very far away and we have been in a long distance relationship ever since the beginning. I would say about 5 hours away. The first time I met her in person was when she came to my city on a vacation with her family so I took the effort to go see her. This was before when we agreed to be together. We have seen each other a few times more after that although we can't see each other that frequently I would say maybe around 4 times more but each time was the whole weekend. I was her first boyfriend and she was mine but I told her she wasn't my first girlfriend the whole time and recently I told her I was and that was when she broke up with me. But at that time that guy had already confessed to her and she was telling me how she was unsure about who she wants to be with. Anyway when she told me that she was confused of who she wants to be with, that was when I told her she was my first girlfriend and told her the truth and that made her thought everything we've been through was a lie even though I told her I have not lied about anything else which is the truth. But I don't think that was the reason she broke up with me because as been in a long distance relationship I did all the typical things such as being too needy and not wanting her to hang out with her guy friends or I make her feel guilty that she would rather hang out with them instead of talking to me on the computer. I also kind of made her drive all the way here to see me even though she was new at driving and her sister and roommates told her it was really dangerous but she still did. I guess my reason was its because we've waited for so long to being able to be together but we can't do anything before but now we can. But yah she drove a few times and than she thought how ridiculous it was and it was too dangerous so she stopped. For christmas break I wanted her to come back with me to my home town but she couldn't because of her parents and how they are not suppose to know that she is dating. That was when that guy confessed to her. She started to hang out with her friends more and started to ignore me. I did the text message terrorism asking where she is all the time and who she is with. And a few days after she told me she was confused of who she wanted to be with and as time went by, she started to hang out with him more and more and talked to him more and hanged out with her friends now. I begged her to come back and promised I would change but its not working…

Anyway last time I talked to her she told me she was confused who she wanted to be with and she told me she would be the one that would make her happiest. Since he lives closer to her and they get to be with each other more I think she would end up choosing him. She told me that she would wait for me to be able to be with her before she makes her decision because right now it wouldn't be fair. Basically I think she is torn between both guys but she has never been his girlfriend before and not now yet at least I think. I haven't talked to her for 3 days now and it is so hard because I try to implement no contact but I told her that I needed some space to think. The truth is I love her so much and I am willing to do anything for her. So right now I'm not exactly sure what to do? Should I keep implementing no contact like what I'm doing now? I haven't sent her the second chance letter yet should I do that? What should I do after all of this? I'm afraid if I implement no contact I would lose her for good because that guy would just be there for her when I'm actually out of her life. I was her first boyfriend and we lost our virginity to each other I don't know if that means anything but she told me she didn't regret it because she knows she's going to be with me forever but this was all before this situation happened. She told me I would have to find myself right now and she's not sure whether me and her would be together and I could tell she really likes the other guy as well. She said she doesn’t think our personality matches and recently she’s been really close to the other guy. Should I fight for her or just learn to let it go. She means everything to me and I don’t want to let her go though. I want to end up with her. What should I do guys? T_T I haven’t talked to her for about a week now. I don’t know what's going in her life anymore and I'm using the no contact rule. Im confused about my feelings for her now because I want someone to love me and only me and appreciate me and be loyal to me but at the same time I want that girl to be that person. To me it seems like she’s already made her choice to be with that guy because she has been really close to him lately. Any advice?

Learn to use paragraphing and proper spacing you will get alot more answers.

You are inexperienced with managing a relationship and a long distance one is even harder for the most mature and experienced partners. She is your first, and guess what, she is also your first break up.

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I don't know what's going in her life anymore and I'm using the no contact rule.

The lines of good honest communications are broken, because of distance, and she is not willing to work with you in this regard. That's a really big problem, and shows she does want what you do, at this time.

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I'm confused about my feelings for her now because I want someone to love me and only me and appreciate me and be loyal to me

We all want that, that's natural and human.

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but at the same time I want that girl to be that person.

There is the rub, you fail to see she doesn't want to be the one for you so back off, leave her alone, and give yourself some time for the emotional dust to settle, and let NC work to heal you, and see the reality of your situation.

The relationship is over, and its time to regroup, and let go.

Sorry for your loss.

She was your first serious girlfriend and you will always remember her, but it doesn't look good at this point. I think it's better to move on and find a girl who lives closer. Long distance is really tough.

Threads merged

Hey guys I have been in no contact with my ex for a week now. Last time we talked about a week ago was the situation that she doesn't know who she wants to be with. There are 2 guys me and the "other guy". She told me she wanted to give him a try because she's gave me one already.

She also said that she would wait for me. I don't know if she will ever. We're in a long distance relationship and he lives closer to her and she has been with him a lot lately and getting really close. I've become from everything to her to nothing to her now. Her priorities have shifted and now her "friends" and that "guy" is what her priority is focused on now.

I believe I still love her. At first no contact is really hard but it has gotten easier now. The thing is now I want someone who would want to be with me and love only me no one else. But the thing is I want her to be that person but I'm not sure if she will ever be. I still think of her some times and I could picture spending my life with her but I don't know if that's going to happen anymore...

How I see it is that she has already made a decision to be with him the day she broke up with me and I'm not going to be there for her as a friend since I'm not good enough to be her boyfriend anymore. I still want to be with her and I think its going to get harder again after a while because I've been with her for so long and she's my first love and the first girl I've "been" with intimately.

Right now I'm just waiting to see what happens but I believe that she is going to just end up with that guy. I don't get how he just confesses and after being with her for so long she just breaks up with me and forgot everything I did for her. I guess she never really love me. Anyway I'm not sure what to do right now. Should I just keep no contacting her?

I've did all the typical things that made me seem desperate already. I've begged, texted her a lot and called her a lot be4 I put no contact into place. Lots of people told me to move on but I'm afraid I won't be able to love anymore. The more time I've spent away from her the further I drift from her like I don't need her anymore but I don't think I won't be able to forget her completely ill always be wondering about the what ifs...

Anyway what do you guys/gals think? Any opinions or advice is appreciated. THANKS IN ADVANCE!

We all wonder for a while and then when we are far enough away we realize that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know at the time what that reason is.

Maybe she will come back in time and you will find that with your perspective back in place that you don't want a women who walks away from a relationship so easily.

More than likely she won't come back but you will learn from you experience, you will heal and you will know yourself better for it and have learned more of what you are looking for in your next girlfriend. You will love again, but you aren't meant to love again right this second.

Either way NC is the best way to give yourself the time to heal and the perspective you need to make your decision without a clouded head.

Keep your head up, you will make it through this a stronger and more self confident person.

Yep I agree. I just thought we had more than that you know? I thought she was the one and we planned out our lives together and everything.

I just don't know what to do nowadays. I have so much extra time now that I don't talk to her anymore and I kind of feel scared for the future because I don't know what now.

Because before when me and her was together I actually had something to look forward to but life seems so unpredictable now and I don't know what to do. I guess it was always unpredictable. Lol I don't know if that makes sense its hard putting it in words.

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just thought we had more than that you know?

Of course you did. As did everybody else who was experienced a painful breakup.

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I thought she was the one and we planned out our lives together and everything.

That's the thing.. You were blueprinting your future, therefor, ignoring what was in front of you.

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I have so much extra time now that I don't talk to her anymore and I kind of feel scared for the future because I don't know what now.

Learn from the past, live in the present, and don't fear the future.

Now that you have so much time, how about donating some of it to a good cause? Perhaps you can view the perspective of someone with substantial problems.

Yea when you break up, a lot of your plans get shifted away and it's like a fresh new start. You should be excited. But if you feel like you have a lot of free time, you should go out and do some activities, sports, etc.

As for the pain, it will get easier and easier as the days go on. You might still think about her here and there, but like you said, it's your first love she you will never really forget completely. Since you guys live so far, it will also be easier to get over her.

Threads merged.............again.

Okays so yah me and my ex broke up recently from a long distance relationship we've been in for 2 years and I've put no contact into place to try to find myself and heal and do some thinking. Its been just a little more than a week now. My ex has two guys in her life me and the "other guy" and when I was with her he confessed to her and now she's all confused and broke up with me.

They have been spending more time together since he lives closer together. And it hurts me a lot. I just did something really really stupid I went onto her profile on Facebook and I saw pics of him and her holding hands >_< my heart is starting to hurt again... the whole week of no contact seemed like it was a waste and now I'm back to feeling the heartaches again just when I thought I was getting better. I guess I'm not completely over her and I still love her.

Anyway, I'm thinking of going to see her this weekend and tell her that I still love her and want to be with her but there's no room for 2 guys in her life so if she decides to keep him I'm going to walk out of her life for good and forever because it hurts me too much to see them together. It seems like she is trying to hold onto 2 guys at the same time. Is that really a good move or should I keep on to the no contact?

Hey,

I really feel the way you are feeling right now, cause I found out some news about my ex and the new girl he likes and I felt like I was going to die. It is just too unreal that they are together, I totally don't understand how he can love someone else in such a short time. But we just have to face the fact that they don't love us anymore. I'm sure we all try to think that they must have some feelings left for us, or they'll still remember the whatever thing we did together... I guess we all just want to grasp on to something that will make us feel better.

But the truth always hurt right? That pic that you saw is more than real.. and as much as you don't want to accept the fact that she's moving on.. u'll just have to. It's really hard for me to accept this too... I still cry every night... and I miss him like crazy... and just the thought of him liking someone else or talking to someone else on the phone at night.. makes me go crazy. But, I'm still going to try to not contact him... I think this is for the best.

But if you must go find her for some closure... then go ahead... but set a limit for yourself so you don't keep going back!

Good luck~

NO! Stick to NC and continue to treat this as a break up and go out and enjoy your life. Forget about her relationship with you as you currently do not have one. I will tell you right now, you go visit her this weekend you will be back Monday saying "how stupid you were"

I fear you are trying to do some type of "Hollywood" love trick on her... this ain't Hollywood, and life ain't the movies. Do not go make a fool of yourself. Save your pride and start focusing on yourself. You are delusional if you think anything like this would work. I also don't know where you get off saying she is "holding on to two guys," as it seems you are the only one holding on to her... it appears she is moving on with her life. I know it sucks, but it's the truth.

And, get rid of her Facebook!! I have done similar things such as that, and curiosity kills that cat my friend.

A week?? You've been broken up for a week and she is already posting pictures with another guy on her Facebook? Yikes...

Facebook - as much as I love it - is the WORST thing for breakups. As KC said, get rid of it. Don't even check yours - the status feed will keep you "updated" on her life... and that will drive you nuts.

Hon, I know it hurts, but keep up with the NC. NC isn't a means to an end to get back the girl. It is a time-tested way to heal your own heart. Keep healing. Keep going.

You can make it.

None12345- Unfortunately man she has already moved on. Seeing a picture of her holding hands with this 'new guy' should be the closure you need to start letting go, NC, and healing. Like others said you going to see her will just tear into your own heart. Don't do it. Unfortunately when someone doesn't want you, they don't even want your actions or kind gestures either. If they ever miss you, or want you back.. then they will offer to listen, hear what you have to say, and give you that chance. Until then.. it's done.

Facebook? I'll tell you something funny.. I heard that my ex was looking at my "Status/away msgs" on facebook/myspace. Do you know every night I spent 1/2 hour changing my away messages hoping I could make it something that "impacted" her decision about us? Sad... - or just a broken heart. I thought for a split second that the talks with her in person, the huge letters, the talks with her family, etc would be over-run by a single away message on the computer. It's called denial, and its part of healing..
Delete Facebook, myspace, etc.. Until you have healed enough to where it doesn't hurt you when you look.

Thumper.

I am uncertain about deleting your Facebook account. People are suggesting this because you cannot control your emotions. But, had you deleted your account, you would not have known that she's very public about her new relationship. In other words, she is indirectly showing you that she has moved on. This is the type of closure that you need to move on with your life.

You don't need to delete her account, but you can delete her from your "friends" list. It won't do any good to constantly go on there and see updates of her moving on. Create your own closure, don't wait on it to happen from someone else.

Okay guys ill delete her from my friends list so I can stop checking. You're right I do need closure but I'm not sure if I have it yet. Do you guys know any way of finding closure? Maybe one last confrontation? A letter explaining how I completely feel? Its just I didn't have the lets never see each other again or I will never love you from her yet. Maybe that's what I need but thanks for helping me out.

Write your letter and post it on AMHD. You'd be amazed at how many people actually do it. It helps with the healing and letting go process, but also doesn't give in to your "one last contact" tendencies.

Or, if you don't feel like you can post it on here, write it out on a paper. I would even go so far as to say write it and then destroy it. Kind of like that Friends episode where they threw all of their old boyfriend's things in a pot and set it on fire. It's a liberating experience. I did it - not with fire, just threw it all away! :)

Clean breaks are the best. Believe me, I know.

Lol haha I saw that friends episode. Speaking of friends do you know how ross and rachel ended up together in the end?? In that case they had contact so I guess it really depends if you want your ex back or not to put no contact into place neh?