Ask Me Help Desk - I am the other woman

I have never before done anything like this. Let me just say I don't even know where to start. First I am married. I have been married since 1996. At that time my husband started internet porn and lied and continued to do it for 7 years. I shut down and didn't care if we made it happily or not. He is sorry but it ruined my sex drive and how I look at myself. But since then we did have our good times. Just not often. Well I met someone, who pursued me and I didn't jump. After some time I did because the attention was wonderful. Let me say with my husband I am the everything. I do the bills, the cleaning, cooking and every decision to be made is done by me. When he makes a decision and it falls apart. It comes down on my shoulders to put the pieces back together. So this other man was making me feel really special. I started to meet him on my lunch breaks. Some "sexual" things would happen but not the actual deed. Well he showered me with jelwery and it was a nice change. My husband has never bought me anything. For any reason other then Christmas. Well 2 years ago, my boyfriend opened a second store. He owns a business and hired me to run his second store. I took the job and things grew from there. We fell "in love" This has been serious and intense for well over a year now. Maybe close to 2 years. But the thing is my husband found out and we tried counseling. We have been going for months and months and it didn't do anything. Finally the tension between us snapped and I move out 4 days after Christmas. I wasn't sure if I loved it or not. I missed my life because that's what I was used to. But for years, more then 5 years I haven't been happy at all with my husband. We have talked about it over and over and he knows I am not happy. But didn't bother to work on the changes with me. I wasn't sure to let go of the marriage and be with my boyfriend, or go home and fight for my marriage. Well I went home because even though I was out almost 2 months. My boyfriend never made changes in his marriage. He said he talked to her but that was it. I did it why couldn't he? Oh and let me say my boyfriend and his wife don't live together. He moved her out and she lives with his mother. I guess his son was allergic to the dog. But why didn't he just get rid of the dog? But anyway, if they aren't living together why can't he just come out he is with me and move on with life with me? I have since moved back home because he did let me down. But things at home are tense. My husband says he wants to work at it, but shows no effort. I don't want to have my marriage going back to what it was. I hated it and thought terrible thoughts over it. I just want to be happy. I have a 5 year old son and don't want to break his happy home. But I don't know when its time to cut the string and just divorce. I don't know if chosing to be with my boyfriend is the right move. We have been seeing each other 3 years and serious close to 2 years. But in all honesty if I can have a happy marriage I choose that. But I have tried and tried at home and he doesn't put the effort in to it. He even has admitted he doesn't try. What do I do and when do I give up. How can I do this to my son? I need to break one of these relationships and don't know where to turn.

Sunflower, your son can't be completely happy until you are. You have no idea how much a five year old will notice. He will notice the tension, the strife, the unhappiness between his mom and dad and suffer for it. So you have to be the one to make the first move. And as the situation is as you describe, then I think you owe it to yourself to just cut the ties and get away from both issues, the b/f and the husband. Get your son and you settled somewhere, somewhere you can breath easy, and get it sorted out in your mind what exactly you do want, but do it on your own, under your own terms.

ms. tickle

I agree. But I just wanted it to work with my husband for the sake of my son. But I can see nothing will change and it will be as it was before. Then I look around and see women being cheated on or beat or with drunks and I feel I have a lot of nerve to complain. I guess I just don't know how to be happy. I keep thinking why be with my boyfriend. He is cheating on his wife with me, won't he cheat on me? Yes, I am not stupid. I know the answer to that. But I continue to dream big I guess. One day I will be in her shoes. Don't you think?

I don't see how you can honestly have a shot at saving your marriage, while you have a married boyfriend on the side.

My opinion is you have a greater obligation to your husband, and son, to try to make the marriage work.

Your husband may not think you are serious, as long as this other man is in the picture.

Counselling didn't work the first time, try again with a different counsellor, and don't give up. FIGHT for results, and be prepared to do the work to re-build a foundation of trust with your husband. Just that one priority.

If your head and heart are in two different places at the same time, it will be impossible for you to focus on repairing your marriage.

As to the married boyfriend, it matters not where his wife is, or who is allergic to his dog- those are his problems. He has nothing to gain, and nothing to lose by having you on the side. I doubt very much he has talked to his wife, and if he has, he should be following the same advice I'm giving you- drop the girlfriend and work on your marriage.

As long as you keep spinning your wheels and not making a decision, your life will lack direction and commitment and happiness.

You need to work hard for those things. Good luck.

#1-get rid of the boyfriend.He is married.It would be a different story if he was single.
#2-Dont keep saying things are the same at home.What are you doing different to change things.Dont wait for your husband to make the move,make the changes yourself and maybe you will start to see improvement.
Unless you can walk away from him without any regrets and any feelings whatsoever,then I suggest you stay for the sake of your son.If you leave and still have thoughts of being angry,or have words that were not said then you made the wrong choice.Stay and make some changes to yourself and see what happens.

Well, you know what OP said, she was always the one to make the decisions in the marriage in everything. When her husband did, she had to clean up the mess. So I can see what all this means to her. She has tried to make it work with her husband but doesn't see any big changes, probably because he knows about the b/f.

Hi again sunflower, not talking behind your back this way, but other posters have some good thoughts too and that is what I am responding to.

There is give and take any relationship, married or not, it is a 50 50 proposition and when it becomes one sided, the problems start and there is a breakdown.

We all will try to help but you have to put it all together.

Regards

Tick

Hey tickle your right. I am the one in the marriage that always has to take charge. I have to do it all and he does nothing but sleeps and works. Even before my boyfriend, like for 5 or 6 years I have struggled to be happy and just couldn't be. My husband and I knew where to make changes and all I asked him to do what set up a date night for us. Its been 3 years and I am still waiting for it. I guess in my head and heart I want it to work at home, but have tried and tried. Does he know about boyfriend, yes. But our main issues stem from before all this. Let me add I have also dealt with my husband mistakes, such as a 7 year porn addiction. Its been rough and we pulled through with scars, but we pulled through. Maybe I am just hoping to hear something that makes it all click I don't know. But thank you all so much for listening and not judging. Trust me, I feel for the other wife. I have wanted to meet her and talk to her. I have told my boyfriend to make it work with her. But I have also told him that if he didn't leave her for himself then he will only cheat on her again. Our counselor wasn't as good as I had wished she would have been. She seemed to point fingers at me and I felt that she just didn't want to be bothered in a sense. So we quit going. But we did go about 7 months.

I can see why you have a boyfriend on the side, but I don't see how that can work into saving the marriage.

In my experience, too many leave for 'the other man', without dealing with the marriage relationship first. Without an end to one relationship, how can another one be healthy.

So many people I've known who have gone from one, immediately into the other, and they are not in a position to judge from a position of independence and security.

When a relationship ends, particularly a marriage, it is a long process emotionally, finacially, and intellectually to get back to being single, and back to single being able to let go of the past and move on, without any encumbrances.

And, when the marriage is going on at the same time the affair is going on, neither the marriage, or the boyfrind, or you, are getting 100% of the attention you need to make a healthy life for yourself.

Think outside the box here. How would you view your boyfriend, if you were divorced, single, available and independent.

How would you view your now ex, husband under the same circumstances. Can you see them as two different men, neither of whom are particularly what you want?

How would you view your life without either. Would you be able to objectively look at both of them and possibily decide that neither are right for you?

I don't understand why you deserve either of them. You have no self-esteem, you run back to your husband even though you don't want to be with him, because your "boyfriend" won't leave his wife.

You shouldn't be in ANY relationship. You are co-dependant and there isn't any excuse for needing other people to make yourself feel better. You settled for your husband because what you really wanted didn't work out. No wonder he won't give you the time of day.

You knew for a long time that you were not happy in your marriage, well if you aren't happy in your marriage, BE A GROWN - UP and leave. I don't think you deserve a relationship at all.

Thanks Jake2008, you can talk to me with out judging me and that's what I need. First in response to the rude comment I was left. I didn't go back to my husband because my boyfriend wouldn't leave his wife. When I moved out the first time I was confused, tired of trying, scared and just wanted out. Just like when I went home. My husband asked me to go home to work on us. Which is why I continued counseling. He was willing to work on it but hasn't shown the effort. Oh but let me just say, I am sure its OK to you (who was rude) that I dealt with his porn for 7 years. The lies and cheating there? Yes it is still infedlity even though its online.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

I have never before done anything like this. Let me just say I dont even know where to start. First I am married. I have been married since 1996. At that time my husband started internet porn and lied and continued to do it for 7 years. I shut down and didnt care if we made it happily or not. He is sorry but it ruined my sex drive and how I look at myself. But since then we did have our good times. Just not often. Well I met someone, who pursued me and I didnt jump. After some time I did because the attention was wonderful. Let me say with my husband I am the everything. I do the bills, the cleaning, cooking and every decision to be made is done by me. When he makes a decision and it falls apart. It comes down on my shoulders to put the pieces back together. So this other man was making me feel really special. I started to meet him on my lunch breaks. Some "sexual" things would happen but not the actual deed. Well he showered me with jelwery and it was a nice change. My husband has never bought me anything. For any reason other then Christmas. Well 2 years ago, my boyfriend opened a second store. He owns a business and hired me to run his second store. I took the job and things grew from there. We fell "in love" This has been serious and intense for well over a year now. Maybe close to 2 years. But the thing is my husband found out and we tried counseling. We have been going for months and months and it didnt do anything. Finally the tension between us snapped and I move out 4 days after Christmas. I wasnt sure if I loved it or not. I missed my life because thats what I was used to. But for years, more then 5 years I havent been happy at all with my husband. We have talked about it over and over and he knows I am not happy. But didnt bother to work on the changes with me. I wasnt sure to let go of the marriage and be with my boyfriend, or go home and fight for my marriage. Well I went home because even though I was out almost 2 months. My boyfriend never made changes in his marriage. He said he talked to her but that was it. I did it why couldnt he? Oh and let me say my boyfriend and his wife dont live together. He moved her out and she lives with his mother. I guess his son was allergic to the dog. But why didnt he just get rid of the dog?? But anyways, if they arent living together why can't he just come out he is with me and move on with life with me? I have since moved back home because he did let me down. But things at home are tense. My husband says he wants to work at it, but shows no effort. I dont want to have my marriage going back to what it was. I hated it and thought terrible thoughts over it. I just want to be happy. I have a 5 year old son and dont want to break his happy home. But I dont know when its time to cut the string and just divorce. I dont know if chosing to be with my boyfriend is the right move. We have been seeing each other 3 years and serious close to 2 years. But in all honesty if I can have a happy marriage I choose that. But I have tried and tried at home and he doesnt put the effort in to it. He even has admitted he doesnt try. What do I do and when do I give up. How can I do this to my son? I need to break one of these relationships and dont know where to turn.

You put up with that for seven years and now you want to be pitied for it? If it was such a problem for your marriage than you needed to focus on it nearly seven years ago, not take up a married boyfriend. Which you said that you did, so why is that still what you are holding your anger about?

You titled your thread "I am the other woman" which shows more concern for her married boyfriend's relationship than it shows that you wanted a way to work on your marriage. You need to stand on your own two feet as you have issues of your own to deal with. Neither relationship is healthy for you and I would never want for my wife to settle for me because her married boyfriend wouldn't leave his wife.

To Jake2008 since your talking with me on this sensibly. Do you know anyone, man or woman, that have left there spouses for the "other" person? How did that work out for them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

To Jake2008 since your talking with me on this sensibly. Do you know anyone, man or woman, that have left there spouses for the "other" person?? How did that work out for them.

You mean saying what you want to hear?

BTW, you already stated that he has no intention of leaving his spouse for the "other woman". Guess I was pretty accurate that you don't have any real intention of working anything out with your husband. I still think you should be single and work on yourself as a single person. You do not need someone else in your life to make you whole, but you do have to respect yourself.

I am sorry that you feel what I am saying is harsh. I just think that you are overlooking the core problem within yourself to find the easiest solution, but having a man in your life doesn't make you desirable or a wonderful person. When people treat you poorly and you want to stay in the relationship rather than be single, it co-dependence. You have to value yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Thanks Jake2008, you can talk to me with out judging me and thats what I need. First in response to the rude comment I was left. I didnt go back to my husband because my boyfriend wouldnt leave his wife. When I moved out the first time I was confused, tired of trying, scared and just wanted out. Just like when I went home. My husband asked me to go home to work on us. Which is why I continued counseling. He was willing to work on it but hasnt shown the effort. Oh but let me just say, I am sure its ok to you (who was rude) that I dealt with his porn for 7 years. The lies and cheating there?? Yes it is still infedlity even though its online.

I have had girlfriends who have left miserable marriages, and had successful relationships with 'the other man'.

But to be honest with you, I always thought about whether they would have made that choice if they had allowed themselves to be on their own for a while. Then again, to stay in a marriage that is never going to work, is a waste of life, so who can judge which is better, especially if you are living it.

That being said, I've seen miracle turnarounds when both parties in the marriage fight to save it. But again, sometimes it is just too late and people go in different directions. It cannot be healthy if it is one-sided. With you, if the b/f were out of the picture, your husband may put in the effort, but as long as he is there, you and your husband are dealing with two relationships. Maybe it wouldn't matter what you did, your husband won't try anyway.

But, my concern is for you. With two very distinct and different relationships in your life, maybe it isn't so much 'him' or 'him', but rather, you being in more of an independent place where you don't have to choose at all, or if you do choose, it is for the right reasons.

I really don't envy you the position you are in. I was once in the crossroads myself and could easily have seen my life with someone else. I chose to stay, and honestly, to this day I don't know whether I made the right choice.