Grandparent Interfearence with Two Year Old - Control - Large Post
I am having some issues with my two year old daughter and this is a HUGE POST…I am really sorry and I thank ANYONE and EVERYONE who reads this and responds as I am looking for objective opinions and possible new outlooks/advice.
Firstly, I will tell you about our living arrangements for the first twenty three months. My husband and I rented for the first year of our marriage, we decided to buy a house when I became pregnant with our first…needless to say we got caught up in fraud activity and became victims in the real estate market; we lost a great deal of money. We had decided to move back in with my parents (which my husband worked for in the family business) and it made sense, we could save money, work together, help each other and I would have a lot of support with my new baby. Initially it went well. I skipped the baby blues and postpartum and had time to come and go when I needed to without hauling the baby around. It started becoming difficult when my daughter turned two months; she was colic and would be on clock (7 p.m. to 11 p.m. every night). When trying to console her, every time my mother would step in and take over (from me and from my husband), he also neglected to build a relationship with her because he would hold her for fifteen minutes and either my mother or my father would whisk her away. My daughter had four adults in her life acting as parents…I had issues with it (my husband had greater issues around it) and should have elected to move but we did not want to get caught up in the renting arena or pay the high prices on the market for homes in that time. My mom became very intolerant of my parenting methods (which I read and participated in courses/resources in and around our City – including talking to other moms) and her grand parenting methods…always comparing and cutting me down as a mother. It came to a point where I felt horrible and inadequate. An example is “I feel sorry for Vanessa that she has such bad parents” and “you are no good for her” and “you should not have any more kids because you don’t deserve them”.
Now I will take you back to “their” parenting 40 years ago (my eldest sibling). We grew up in an extremely abusive home and my dad was a volatile alcoholic (mother was an abused woman – also carried “battered wife syndrome”). My brother and sister are still not functioning as normal adults (my sister wants NO kids as she raised my older sister and me) and my brother has serious emotional issues to this day. Growing up I remember the Police coming to our house almost every night, I witnessed beatings and neglect and I would hid for hours and hours from my parents as a child in fear of being disciplined. It seems that now, both of them have forgotten how horrible they where and what long term results where implemented in all their children (my other sister being an alcoholic herself and I having self-esteem issues (being called stupid growing up and other negative emotional verbal abuse)(four kids). They never participated in our school functions and many teachers and schoolmates thought I was adopted.
When my daughter turned around 1 ½ it just accelerated since now my daughter could understand who was disciplining her (teaching her right from wrong) and who was giving her everything her heart desired (including junk food and using bribery as a way to have her listen). I would discipline her and say “No” and she would cry (act out) and run to Grandma…of course Grandma consoled her (basically saying “its OK, you don’t have to listen), my daughter soon detached from me and my husband and favored the grandparents. No matter what I did and said no to things even if it was dangerous to her, she would run to Grandma and Grandma and they would say “It’s ok, shhh, don’t listen to mommy” and say to me “you shouldn’t be so hard on her, she is just a baby and she does not understand”. I thought I was going crazy because isn’t it my position to show her right from wrong? I never became physical (either saying No or redirecting her her path)…unless it was detrimental to her safety (which she got a slap on the hand). Also, my daughter does understand. Even my dad…he never listens and says “she is smart and not stupid like you say”, I would feel like driving my fist through his mouth because I would never call my daughter stupid and I would never do anything like they did to me and my siblings. Sometimes I just left the house in defeat (not my house, not my rules, not my control (even though this is my child – I had no control))…they would control my husband by way of work and control me by way of my daughter and control our marriage even though they should stay out of disagreements as they had their own (dad still drinks on occasion and fight on a weekly basis). They would cut us both down and I honestly don’t believe that they respect us as adults, as people or as parents…that we are just stupid kids! Mind you they would be nowhere without my husband.
It came to a point my daughter would hang out with them over us and we gave up (we shouldn’t of and we should have moved…but we didn’t). Things got worse when my daughter went to daycare…I worked all day and then had stress all night…including the start of the terrible two’s. Finally, I became pregnant again, we bought a house (as soon as the economic bust hit and houses dropped over $40,000), and we renovated and moved in December. Now I know my daughter probably went through separation issues it was an adjustment for the first two weeks then everything was great! She was sweet as pie…until the Grandparents came for a visit and she would do everything in the book that was bad…act out…scream (temper tantrums at their worst) and of course I had to put her in time out. This behavior is absent when they are not around. I am firm and monotone in disciplining her…I remove her and sit her at the top of the stairs on the landing away from everyone and tell her No this is wrong because it causes ouch or it hurts or it breaks or whatever and to sit there…I never leave her for more then two minutes (since she is only two). They said “your too ruff with her, she does not understand and we are leaving because every time we come here you are mean to her)…mind you that my daughter was sweet and quite just moments before they walked in the door…not only that but I explain to them this…and they say “oh, whatever”.
Now I have had my baby for a month, my daughter went through a move, separation, new toddler bed, no soother, starting potting training, regular times and schedules and finally to a new brother. All of this has sent my daughter on screaming rampages to the point where she is saying “No”, “leave me alone”, “go away”, “I want to go to Babas house”, “I don’t want to go home”, “No, no, no and no” (to everything even what she asks for), “I want now”, “get it”, “pick it up” and recently she called me a really bad name along with “mommy monster” after a recent visit with the Grandparents. She bosses me around and try’s to tell me what to do (same characteristics as my controlling mom). On top of it all…she had no soother and was doing extremely well (she was off it for 3 weeks before her brother came), needless to say despite my efforts and telling my mother that under no circumstances is she to have it (since it is wreaking her teeth and causing a speech impediment (talking with it in her mouth – not talking enough because it is in her mouth). My mother gave her the soother after the baby was born (4 days) now ALL HELL IS LOOSE IF SHE DOES NOT HAVE HER SOOTHER. She puts it somewhere and forgets and has the worst tantrums I have ever seen. I told my mother how displeased I was but I get the response of “she is just a baby”. No, she isn’t…she is a little girl that is getting rashes on her face, crooked teeth and a speech independent because of it! She is a pretty and smart girl, a big girl, a girl that is learning to dress and undress herself and become independent…as I need her to be with another baby…I need my daughter to participate and be a big sister in the smallest ways. She is not a baby; she is a toddler – a small child. It came to the point when disciplining her the last time my father stepped in and grabbed me (as if I was going to hurt her) and I told him off, I told him that this is my house, my rules, my child and if you don’t respect that leave…which they did…after I was apologizing they maintained their position with my parenting. After each time my daughter comes back home we have to undo whatever was done there and the Grandparents house (which she does whatever she wants without consequence and eats all the junk and candy she wants)…they spoil her and send her back (which is what grandparents do but not in the way they do it). Since the last visit I am undoing everything, including the soother…again! Giving her yeses and no’s, right, wrong, bad, good and trying to get some control without taking it but rather giving my daughter more options (as she is now exercising her independence)…I feel like my daughter has no respect for us (even at two), and it is to a point that when we visit the Grandparents…I let her do whatever (even if my mom tells me to stop her (as long as it isn’t dangerous)) because I am not disciplining her only to look like the “bad guy”. Oh and when my mom calls she does not ask about the new baby…she asks how my daughter is doing and I find it really irritating that I say oh, you know playing and stuff like that…I really have to go.
So, what should I do? Should I not allow my daughter to go over there anymore and keep visits in their home and keep it short and sweet? I even removed the answering machine voicemail to be just me as I know my mom would just call to hear her voice. What does everyone suggest as I am lost in my own situation and need objective points of view?
Thank you again.
