Hello, my boyfriend is a musician and I am seriously considering leaving him because of his job, I am not sure if my decision is rational, I have a self esteem problem which, I have eating disorder which I am getting help for but I still feel very vulnerable and I can not stand the environment I think it is very unhealthy for me at this point , my q. is am I being irrational and am I going to reget this decision? How can I deal with these emotions if I decided to stay , if I asked him to change his job would that be selfish( which I do not think he would change it, this the only thing he knows and good at) I am just torn and very unhappy about the whole musicians life and environment, he is not a cheater, but the environment is very free and a lot of beauty going on and I feel very insecure , I would prefer my man to work from 9 to 5, I know he loves me but just the idea that he is around these people makes me want to vomit more.

What would make you more happy... being with him accepting his job and working environment or being single not needing to accept anything?

If you cannot accept him for who he is you should leave and work on getting your act together. If you think you can change him to make you happy think again. You should be working to improve you, not changing him, highly selfish in my opinion. This is not love or even caring and is so unfair to him.

Yu can't ask him to quit his job.

BUT, you need to be happy - you don't sound happy AT ALL.

I really think you need to work o nyourself - work on yourself esteem and your sickness.

This guy doesn't sound like he makes you happy too often and he won't leave his job for you IF he has aspine.

Why should somebody leave his job for you? Just a question. You know what he does, you know what he enjoys doing and all of a sudden it is a problem because of yourself esteem. The issue is not his problem it is yours and you need to see somebody, counsellor to help you with your thoughts and disorder. You need to take care of yourself. Your not doing that now so maybe it is time you focused on that. You say he is a good guy and would never cheat then there is not really a problem. It is just a problem you created in your head. Not trying to sound mean, but just telling you the way I see it.

Joe

I personally think this is you perhaps OVERTHINKING. I think you are trying to match your IDEAL with the REALITY that is before you. No man will ever match your IDEAL. Ideality is perfection, and if that is what you are seeking, good luck. Perfection does not exist. However, compromise and understanding do.

It would be MORE THAN selfish for you to ask him to change his job. Being his girlfriend does not give you that right. To me, what you are doing is projecting your own insecurities and CREATING problems in your relationship. That is not fair to him.

Honestly, I think you should break-up with him. Not because he is wrong for you, but because you are looking for a way out. You are CREATING doubts which will eventually doom your relationship. Unless he is stupid, he will soon begin to see you are having doubts. Then HE WILL have begin to have doubts. And that will lead to the end.

Perhaps, if you break-up now, YOU will be able to understand whether he meant much to you. Maybe he does. And when you realize that, it won't matter what he does for a living and manyt of your doubts maybe cast aside. People do not just give up on love, if they love someone. In YOU SITUATION, the only way to fully realize that, is to have some space from each other. And be prepared that HE WILL NOT want to be with you again. But you MUST BE FAIR.

YOU are the one with doubts. NOT HIM. So be fair, accept the pain and loss. Or stop CREATING unfair doubts. One or the other.

Break-up now and hurt him less, or break-up later and really devastate both of you. Based on what you posted, HE HAS NO idea how you feel. Like I said, you leave him now, you may be together again someday. You leave him later, I think you guys will part with a lot of angst and bitterness, with very little hope of reconciliation.

Instead of worrying about him... what about you? You are important! This is his life... he knows the selfishness that goes with his job... the groupie girls... that would do anything just to say I slept with him... HAAAA... again, this is his life... now let's get to you... eating disorder the world is not perfect and neither should be you... I take pictures and I know what do to make a girl look tall and skinny.. smooth... I can reduce the size of the nose... with any good software nowadays... anyone can do that... get some more hobbies... this guy is just a hobby.. If, you were interested in this guy... you would have no problems with him and his hobbies or job... Does he know how you feel about his life? If not ask him and tell him your issues ( do not be passive... the use of well, only , I mean... just say it)... after all do you have a relationship.. if he responded with any negativity... smile and walk out the door... yes you will be in pain... it is normal and natural... you are human... you can enjoy the beauty of music with out having sex with the drummer... or whom lead or whatever... just go sit... tall glass of fruit juice and just sit and listen to the sounds... don't they sound good uhhh... just sit back and the beauty of your surroundings help you focus on what is important... you and your music and anyone that you want to share it with... life is too short to waste it... worrying about something that you can not control or have any control over... get control of your life... it is more challenging

You knew what he did before you made him your boyfriend and you chose to make him your boyfriend anyway. I think it's absurd to even think about asking him to change his job. This is who is is, a musician. If you feel insecure, that is your own personal thing. Do you really believe that if he worked in an office from 9-5 he wouldn't be in an environment where he could cheat or have women throw themselves at him?? It's no different. He might not have groupies, but you only need one woman to find him attractive. Whether he is a musician, a lawyer or the UPS guy, he needs to be trusted unless he's given you reason not to.

Having said that, you are very much entitled to choose the kind mate you'd like to have. If you don't feel comfortable with the lifestyle, there is nothing wrong with deciding to move on and find someone who has the kind of career you believe is acceptable. You're not wrong for not liking it, you just have no right to ask him to change it.

Hello guys, thank you all for your replies, I am questioning any decision I make due to my illness and I am confused, I do not want to regret any thing when I recover from this , I do not want my illness to influence my decision that is why I wanted to know if someone who is emotionally steady could take these kind of irrational decisions and feel what am feeling right now and being irritated and insecure like I am by this , I know my mind due to my illness is playing tricks on me I just do not want this to be another trick.

Forgive me but my conscience requires I take a completely different approach here.

Eating disorders are very tricky things that can quickly become life threatening. Its important that you understand that your recovery from that must come first. It requires all of your attention. Everything must take a back seat until you are clearly in recovery and stable. If possible, park the boyfriend for now. If he understands, great and if he doesn't, oh well. If you don't get that you are in a fight for your life now, you will later. Table all major decisions until you have sufficient means to maintain recovery and focus on getting all the help you need. Bulimia is no lightweight matter, especially if it developes into or is accompanied by substance abuse or anorexia. Are you doing anything else besides purging? I don't mean to sound scary but I would like to sound the alarm about priorities here. I hope for your sake you are under a medical doctor's care and hooked up with therapy and/or a support group or in treatement or due to be in treatment soon since its really hard to have a boyfriend when you're dead.

Please get appropriate help.

I don't honestly see how your boyfriend's job affects your self-esteem. Frankly I think your concerns about his job a just a red herring for some deeper, more fundamental issues. You've admitted that you have an eating disorder and that you're getting treatment for it. It's good that you're able to admit it and it's good that you're getting help for it. But I think there are other issues that need to be addressed as well. Perhaps you said it yourself, concerning your overall self-esteem. However, I'm not sure you're really ready for a relationship with anyone at this point. If you were, the mere issues of his job in and of itself wouldn't be an issue.

If need be you need to put yourself first while dealing with this problem you have.
If that means putting the boyfriend aside for a while then you should.
It isn't his fault though that you have these problems and you should not look to blame him at all.
Explain to him your concerns, issues and as val said look after yourself now.
He should understand that.
But he has nothing to feel guilty about and I hope you don't try and blame him at all.
Concentrate on yourself. You obviously don't love yourself right now so it is hard to expect others to love you too!

Where ever you go, there you are. Your problems are not caused by your boyfriend or any other exterior thing. You have problems and you need to deal with them. When you do that, you will be strong enough to deal with anything in a rational manner.

Thank you val, I always liked your answers, as for the disease you think it is not a good idea to be involved with someone at this time till I overcome it? People with eating disorder can have successful relationships? My q. was, are my feelings about his job environment irrational, I mean could? Any one healthy feel the same way

Honestly, I've dated a bunch of girls who had all types of jobs, from bartender to waitress. And of my four girlfriends, one was an artist, one was a business woman, and two (including my most recent) were scientists.

And it never mattered one iota. Please don't take offense, but your insecurity is not coming from your disorder, it's coming from your head. Based on your posts, I think you would be insecure regardless.

This guys doesn't cheat on you, he doesn't lie to you, and he treats you with respect, he may even love you. That's not enough for you. You have to ask YOURSELF why?

I think you should break-up with him. Unless your own doubts and insecurities stop, you're going down a very bad road in this relationship. Someone will get really hurt, or both parties will. Not good.

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Originally Posted by lovingu

thank u val, i always liked your answers, as for the disease u think it is not a good idea to be involved with someone at this time till i overcome it? people with eating disorder can have successful relationships? my q. was, r my feelings about his job environment irrational, i mean could? any one healthy feel the same way

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You are welcome Lovingu. I am glad you are posting so freely here, too.

Yes, I think it is unwise to be attempting recovery and seeking a relationship at the same time -- not fair to you, not fair to him. I will elaborate why if you wish.

Yes, people with eating disorders, addictions, even mental illnesses do have relationships, but they are not without some very special challenges and certainly not something for someone in early recovery.

No, healthy people don't have concerns about their partner's work environment like you have exhibited. I'm sorry but it clearly demonstates your lack of self esteem and inability to trust -- both solid elements in an active eating disorders, by the way and why I am concerned that you aren't getting help.

And I am concerned about you, you know?

Thnk you all for your answers, I remember I posted a post before and there was a lady who has kind of eating disorder too I liked her input and she is married with kids I think, I think her name is aqua@ home, could you please aqua have your input in that. I know it is not his job (I do not blame him, I usually blame myself for any thing, I do not like to dump my problems on others) even though his job is scary to me I have this idea since I was little that musicians are not steady in love and no matter what they say they love beauty more than others and are so volatile, having said that I think with my eating disorder I will still have problems with relationships, so I would like to hear from aqua@home and how she is coping with relationship and eating disorder.

Thank val, I am just taking antidepressant and to tell you the truth I do not think I am getting better, I do not believe in pills (I over does on them to die and they did not help with eating disorder but I went back to them and I am trying to be careful not to over dose, and this is the only thing my doctor can prescribe right now) I met a psychoygist before but she did not help I do not know why, I am trying to build myself esteem by myself because up to now no body helped and I think I can beat this ( because of eating disorder I became alcoholic for a short period to numb the pain and to die by mixing pills and alcohol and I am completely sober) so I am trying to do the same here and be strong on my own while I am taking antidepressants, thank you for your concern

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Originally Posted by lovingu

even though his job is scary to me i have this idea since i was little that musicians r not steady in love and no matter what they say they love beauty more than others and r soo volatile

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I'm sorry. But I think therein lies your problem. You have a PRECONCEIVED NOTION in your head. No advice can thwart that notion. Only YOU CAN.

I'm a guy, and I'm actually worried about what you're doing or WILL DO to your boyfriend. He CANNOT quell you insecurties. He can perpetuate them, but based on what you've posted, HE'S NOT.

Once again, please TAKE NO OFFENSE, but you're I think probem lies in your head, not your disorder.

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Originally Posted by lovingu

thank val, i am just taking antidepressant and to tell u the truth i do not think i am getting better, i do not believe in pills (i over does on them to die and they did not help with eating disorder but i went back to them and i am trying to be careful not to over dose, and this is the only thing my doctor can prescribe right now) i met a psychoygist before but she did not help i do not know why, i am trying to build my self esteem by my self because up to now no body helped and i think i can beat this ( because of eating disorder i became alcoholic for a short period of time to numb the pain and to die by mixing pills and alcohol and iam completely sober) so i am trying to do the same here and be strong on my own while i am taking antidepressants, thank u for your concern

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Yeah, I am hearing you not getting very appropriate help but we've discussed this before too... you will either seek appropriate help or try to distract yourself with other stuff like boyfriends you can't handle and such. The choice is yours and I respect that arrangement.