My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a couple months, and while he is not a virgin, I still am. From the first month, he asked me when I would be ready to engage in oral (because he said he enjoyed it) and because it was my first serious relationship, I had no idea whether it was normal for guys to ask this quickly or not. Well, he has been with me for a year now and I've only done a hand job. He says he loves me, but he wonders why I claim to love him so much when I can't give him every part of me. He says that we're a dysfunctional relationship and that he's going to just watch me rip the relationship to pieces. He says with love comes sexual attraction, and he says because we're not engaging in oral or other sexual activities, he's feeling his love slowly die for me. Men, please be honest, let's say you are thinking of this girl as a potential marriage partner... how long would you wait for oral? Intercourse? If it helps I'm turning 17 this year and he is turning 18. And women, I'm very curious as to what you would recommend for me from your previous or current relationship(s). Thanks in advance

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he says because we're not engaging in oral or other sexual activities, he's feeling his love slowly die for me.

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If he truly loved you he would honor you and respect your wishes.
He sounds like a typical horny teenager who is trying to force you into having sex.
You should never feel that you must give it up in order to keep a man.Never let any man force you to do anything with the threat of a break-up if you don't comply.That is blackmail,not love.

He's trying make you feel bad and hoping that you cave in and give him some. When he say to you that his feeling for you are slowly dying or the relationship that the two of you've is dyfunctional, again it is in hopes that you would break down and give in to his needs don't. Don't ever do something you don't want nor is ready to do. Don't give in the pressure because I think your being a virgin is great.

I can understand your boyfriend wanting to have sex given his age and especially since he engaged in sexual activity before but he knew before that you was a virgin and accepted that. Now he can't and want the rules to change after a year and a half, why? Having sex doesn't prove your love for one another and he needs to understand that the words he's telling you isn't making the situation any better but maybe he doesn't realize that.

I hope you continue to stand strong and stick to your guns. I know you might love this guy but if you've to leave him than do and don't be afraid. Someone that loves you would appreciate your morals and not make you want to break it. Love conquers all if he love you he would respect your wishes.

Certainly it is normal to be sexually attracted, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it.

If he isn't able to respect your wishes to wait... even if that means until you are married, then he is not the one for you.

That is what dating is all about... getting to know different people, learning what you like and don't like, finding out what you want and don't want in a person, and finding someone with similar interests and convictions.

Let him know that you feel if he truly loves you, as he claims, he would respect your feelings on the subject and not pressure you for more than you are comfortable with. If he continues, and tries to guilt you into doing things you are not wanting to do right now, that will show you that he is putting his wants before your's. At that point, it might be best to let him move on. Then you will be free to meet other people as well and find someone who feels more like you do.

Some people tell me because he has waited a year it means he really loves me, but most say that even though he has waited for quite some time, he is still trying to blackmail you. What do you guys think?

Depends on the man.

It sound admirable that he has waited a year, but sounds like he is putting pressure on you and that all he wants is the sex...

Just by the words and actions. In my own opinion, Friendship should come first and love and anything that comes after that comes with patience and love. No matter how long.

If he can not wait and your not ready, then let him go.

Joe

Whereas it does sound like he's putting pressure on you now, and that's not too nice, I also agree with him about the "with love comes attraction" bit.

You didn't say if you didn't have sex with him because you didn't feel comfortable and ready, or because you were scheming about how to play decent and make him wait enough so he decides to marry you. Or is it because of your religious beliefs?

If you don't feel like having sex with him after one year, why "go out" with him anyway? Why not just be friends? When two kids get along well but don't feel like getting sexual together I call it friendship. If you don't feel comfortable about giving him a bj or anything, maybe he's not the right guy for you.

And as for marriage possibilities, I don't think they are a function of time a man has had to wait for sex. In my part of the world, no 17 year old boy is thinking of marriage anyway. It doesn't mean he's just thinking of "using you for sex", he might also believe this is true love and all that, I just don't think he's thinking about getting married and signing papers and all that.

And yes, I do think at this age many people are prepared to have sex, and the age of consent is 16 where I live.

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Originally Posted by lavendar35

he's feeling his love slowly die for me.

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Don't pressure yourself or let him pressure you to move forward. He is either willing to wait until you are ready or he is not.

I can understand him wanting to be physically close to you, but a line like this is not appropriate! Love and sex are not the same thing. While it maybe a nice addition to your relationship, you are not ready or you wouldn't be asking.

If he would like to break up because you aren't ready it will be just another tool to pressure you into sex. If he loves you, he will be willing to wait until you are comfortable. If there are already problems within the relationship and you take it to that next level too early and things don't work out, you will regret your decision.

It is admirable that you are waiting until you are ready to have sex. Being emotionally, physically and psychologically ready requires time and waiting until then will make you a better person and a wonderful partner in the future.

Only do what you are comfortable doing, you will know when you are ready for the next step.

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Originally Posted by kirriky

And yes, I do think at this age many people are prepared to have sex, and the age of consent is 16 where I live.

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Age of consent, does not mean that you are emotionally, physically or psychologically ready to engage in sex.

Everyone is ready at different times in their life. Many people push themselves and succumb to the pressure because they don't want to feel alone and they want to fit in or keep the boyfriend that they have. That doesn't mean they were ready and there are personal consequences for pushing yourself when you are not ready.

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You keep asking the same question over and over and the fact still remains that if your not ready to have sex than don't. He is trying to blackmail you because if he wasn't he wouldn't threaten to leave because your not having sex with him.

When I was around your age I was in a relationship with the guy for nearly 2 years before I had sex and I only did it when I was ready. So you stay on your stance and if he can't accept nor handle it than he can leave because there are other guys out there.

Hi Lavendar35,

If you have sex only because you don't want to lose your boyfriend, you will regret it.

You are too young to settle with someone who you think you're going to be with the rest of your life. Marriage or not. You both most likely will move on, grow up and meet and date and have sex with other people.

Think if you can live with the fact that after the sex he may still "be losing his love for you" and leave the relationship anyway. Then how would you feel?

You decided to wait and that's YOUR decision; it's YOUR body, YOUR heart. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you being a virgin at your age. I know there are many girls your age that wish they could say the same thing. Girls pressured into a sexual relationship, only to find it's not "love" at all.

Sex is not love. Sex the first time can be many wonderful things. It can also be awful, messy, embarrassing and lead to pregnancy or an STD.

You don't want your first time to happen only because of pressure and threats.

You want it to be out of feelings of love and desire for your partner.

Never have sex with someone you wouldn't want to father your children.

Keep waiting if that's what you want. There may be someone else down the road who will appreciate you very much for it.

Good luck and be careful.

By the way, I forgot to add, that asking for "oral' within the first month is very immature. In fact, it just shows what exactly was on his mind from the beginning.

Could be he wants to brag to the guys?

No man would get another date with me if he asked me that question so early in the relationship.