I am a gambling addict, and recently this cost my boyfriend over $10,000. In his eyes I am a thief and had a single mission of destroying him and his family.

It is obvious to me that we have always had issues in our relationship, but now the crap has hit the fan, and I have no doubt in my mind that he does NOT like me.

Honestly, I understand when a person asks me HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU SPENT THAT MUCH MONEY? Honestly, I just didn't. In some twisted way I always thought I was winning. Regardless, he now knows how much I have spent on bingo/pulltabs. I think this is the first I've realized just how much I spent as well.

Anyway, Saturday is when he found out, and I know he was ready to turn me in to the cops for fraud across the board (though I'm sure he would not have reported any checks or money I have spent in the last 7 years for bills, groceries, etc.). Maybe this would have been best for everyone. My already crappy life, would just be crappier because in his eyes I am a thief. I think everyone would be better off without me around honestly.

Apparently when I'm not around, everyone is happy, the house is clean (scoff), there's plenty of money... really the only thing I was needed for in this life was to create the children that I apparently suck at raising.

I have no job (so I've lived off his income for over 7 years), I have no hope for a future, I am in debt up to my eyeballs, all of our kids medical bills (soon going to collections) are in my name...

Now he tells me he is going to hang this over my head until he feels better, every chance he gets, for years.

I don't want this life anymore! I would rather be in jail than held hostage for vindication, in a loveless relationship. I truly feel I would rather die.

He has made HUGE costly mistakes like never paying taxes for 3 years... which I never gave him guff about. He buys expensive things that I don't understand like guns and his latest purchase a vehicle.

When you truly love someone, you aren't supposed to hold sh it over their held just to make you feel better right?

Somehow I think you are trying to equate your gambling habit with him buying a vehicle and other expensive purchases. If you would feel better in jail, then you should be in jail to asuage yourself guilt.

If he can afford to lose $10,000 with you gambling and you still stay home and don't have a job as you take care of the kids, quite frankly you need to do something more with your life than fritter it away gambling. You don't seem to have much self esteem as the gambling away of his money makes you feel "in charge" of him. And yes, it is stealing from him. If you two were married, that would be a different story, but you aren't so it's stealing from him.

If you don't feel wanted or loved in your present situation, then leave him and go elsewhere as all he's going to do it hold this over your head for years and make you more miserable than you already are (if that could be possible). Self guilt and remorse will set in for you and you will end up tearing yourself apart and probably start drinking alcohol or using drugs to dull this pain.

Why hasn't he filed his taxes? Is he working at a job where the employer takes out taxes or he's self employed in some shady operation that deals mostly in cash? If it's the latter, then I definitely would suggest you leave.

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Originally Posted by HeHatesMe

I am a gambling addict, and recently this cost my boyfriend over $10,000. In his eyes I am a thief and had a single mission of destroying him and his family.

It is obvious to me that we have always had issues in our relationship, but now the crap has hit the fan, and I have no doubt in my mind that he does NOT like me.

Honestly, I understand when a person asks me HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU SPENT THAT MUCH MONEY? Honestly, I just didn't. In some twisted way I always thought I was winning. Regardless, he now knows how much I have spent on bingo/pulltabs. I think this is the first I've realized just how much I spent as well.

Anyways, Saturday is when he found out, and I know he was ready to turn me in to the cops for fraud across the board (though I'm sure he would not have reported any checks or money I have spent in the last 7 years for bills, groceries, etc.). Maybe this would have been best for everyone. My already crappy life, would just be crappier because in his eyes I am a thief. I think everyone would be better off without me around honestly.

Apparently when I'm not around, everyone is happy, the house is clean (scoff), there's plenty of money... really the only thing I was needed for in this life was to create the children that I apparently suck at raising.

I have no job (so I've lived off of his income for over 7 years), I have no hope for a future, I am in debt up to my eyeballs, all of our kids medical bills (soon going to collections) are in my name....

Now he tells me he is going to hang this over my head until he feels better, every chance he gets, for years.

I don't want this life anymore! I would rather be in jail than held hostage for vindication, in a loveless relationship. I truly feel I would rather die.

He has made HUGE costly mistakes like never paying taxes for 3 years... which I never gave him guff about. He buys expensive things that I don't understand like guns and his latest purchase a vehicle.

When you truly love someone, you aren't supposed to hold sh it over their held just to make you feel better right?

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Nothing you have said shows much understanding of how your addiction has affected the lives of those around you. Nor have you said that you can accept any consequence showing some remorse for your actions. You are uncomfortable with the reactions of your husband, and justify your actions by criticizing him, i.e. not paying taxes.

$10,000 is a hell of a lot of money taken without permission, and used to feed an addiction. Somebody had to work for that money, and in my opinion, he has every right to be totally upset with you.

How long have you had this addiction, and what have you done to address it. Are you still gambling? What have you done to show that you consider your actions worthy of help? Do you want to quit?

As you've said, you've always had problems with your relationship, and any addiction is going to affect all aspects of your life.

It might be time to consider addiction counselling if you are willing to make some changes. It will involve more than just quitting, and will involve your boyfriend, and it is hard work. If you have considered your gambling to be a problem, and have never taken steps to address it, now is the time.

If you choose to carry on the way you have been, then all the excuses and arguing will not heal or mend your relationship, or your life.

Please at least think about what you need to do when the dust settles a little bit.

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

Why hasn't he filed his taxes? Is he working at a job where the employer takes out taxes or he's self employed in some shady operation that deals mostly in cash? If it's the latter, then I definitely would suggest you leave.

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This action was from early in our "relationship". Simply put he just didn't pay for 3 years and got caught... ended up costing $20K, but he blames some non-existent accountant for that. Somehow it wasn't his fault.

To address some accusations here:

YES I am remorseful - I feel horrible for what I have done

NO I'm not gambling anymore - and don't want to (besides I'm under "house arrest"

NO gambling didn't make me feel in charge - it was the only thing fun I could do

I used to work and bring in money, but now I can't get a job outside of the house - I sit here and run our business and household and he won't allow me to have a job anywhere else

The bills are always paid and money was put back. He's known about me spending this money for over a year now, even though right now he wants to act like he doesn't.

He never complained when I would spend a hundred bucks and bring him home 2000. And YES I compare his big purchase to my spending money. He never talks to me about wasting thousands of dollars on things I find stupid. I never ed about handing over my checks to him or making house payments and I never said anything to him when he'd spend money on something stupid.

The bills are always paid, the kids are always fed, nobody is left wanting, but me. And that is more than likely why I started "gambling". I am not allowed to do anything I love anymore. I have lost almost all self esteem as twinkiedooter put it.

Marriage would not have made this any different either twinkiedooter, and as for long as we've been together, even though there is no common law marriage here, we are considered a binded couple.

I didn't want to come back here, I would rather find a way to pay him back then stay here now, but if I didn't come home as he put it, I'd be in jail.

I apologize if I came on a little strong, but there was obviously a lot of the picture missing, so forgive my lack of insight with my answer. You had described yourself as an addict.

This may not be what you want to hear, but would he consider couples counselling? There is a lot more to your anger and disappointment than money lost gambling.

You have a lot on your plate, running a business from home, kids, the household, and now spaghetti has hit the fan over the money spent gambling. (although as you said he was quite happy with it when you were winning).

I agree with you that if you love somebody, you shouldn't be treated like an outcast and criminal when you do something wrong and have that hanging over your head.

At this stage of the game, maybe he is just reacting without thinking. Do you think he'd come around enough to consider working on his relationship with you?

I would be happy to go to counseling, he on the other hand will not go.

I came across your story while doing research about gambling addiction. I am very interested in your story. I am currently working on a documentary about gambling addiction for MTV. The piece is going to follow three or four people while they are struggling with gambling addiction. We are specifically hoping to have women represented. If you are interested I would really like to talk with you some more about the project. You can email me at [email protected].

Thanks!