My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I moved a long way to marry him, leaving behind everything that was familiar to me. He didn't want me to work - so I didn't. His ex was a slut that left him and their teenagers. My children were grown. I became a stay at home mom and never left the house alone. We had to grocery shop together, run errands together, etc. When I talked on the phone with a lifelong girlfriend (or anyone) he had to talk to me at the same time, ask who I'm talking to or want to know everything that was said. Gradually - all of this took a toll. I could not even be alone in another part of the house without him following me, saying he just wanted to be near me. I was suffocating. I began feeling angry and during several arguments I have told him that I don't know that I want to stay married like this. I wanted to have a marriage where we both have individual interests and can talk about those together, relax together, discuss problems with each other, listen to each other, etc. I did not want a siamese twin that controlled every aspect of my life. He gets jealous of anyone I talk to - even the kids. He's insecure - I see that now. But publicly - he talks the good talk. Makes it seem as if he's secure and our marriage is wonderful. Privately - he talks to me completely different. I hate it.

Recently we started seeing a marriage counselor because I said I was seriously thinking of leaving. He found the counselor. She simply says he's insecure and I need to reassure him more, be super affectionate, etc. Being super affectionate is really not possible for me right now as I am so angry and really don't know how much longer I can stand this. And I wonder - why do I have to continue to reassure him over and over? I've been doing that for all this time and it hasn't done a thing.

I don't know what else to do. We go back to the marriage counselor this week and I really want to have a fit right there in her office about how different he is in there compared to once we leave there.

I loved my husband when I thought he was confident and loving. I want to love him again but I don't love him the way he is now.

I really am at my wit's ends. Does anyone have any ideas or things I can do? Thanks for any thoughts at all.

I don't have any wise and wonderful advice. It sounds to me like from your end the marriage is dead and over. When my marriage broke down we tried counselling but I realized that at least for me, it was done, there was no going back, I was finished trying, I was out of energy, the marriage was out of time. I was not willing to spend any more time unhappy and wearing a public smiley face.

Hopefully someone with great insight will come along - but maybe you can't get those feelings back and trying to make someone else feel secure when they aren't trying is absolutely exhausting.

Thanks for the response though. I really have such mixed emotions about the counseling. Ash we all sit there and the counselor asks him questions, I hear his meek little answers and when I can respond I notice that he sits there quietly. We leave and he'll ask me if I think this is going to work. As soon as I start to answer him by stating how I feel about all of it - he interrupts me and attempts to answer for me. I get mad and ask him why he's even asking me a question if he doesn't want to listen to my answer. It's like a vicious cycle. He's insecure and controlling for absolutely no reason related to anything I have done. Yet, the counselor will ask him why he distrusts me and he'll claim that he feels that I'm flirty because he saw me smile when I was talking to someone. So, the counselor wants me to be cognizant of that and not do it. Because he feels hurt when I speak to someone else in public, the counselor now wants me to continually speak to him and reassure him by being next to him. UGH! Seems as if the counselor is wanting to perpetuate the control not alleviate it. Next time, they are going to delve into his "past" to see why he is this way. In the meantime, I guess I'm supposed to keep living under his control.

I guess I'm irritated at the counselor too. Of course, this might be the standard way of doing therapy but at the moment it's not working for me.

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

I don't know what else to do. We go back to the marriage counselor this week and I really want to have a fit right there in her office about how different he is in there compared to once we leave there.

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How do you expect assistance from your marriage counselor when she is only getting a part of your marriage? I believe that if you have any chance of repair, you HAVE TO throw your fit, be honest, share your feelings. Without complete honesty within the marriage counseling doors, you will never see a resolution, the marriage counselor can not be expected to be psychic as to the way things are after you leave his/her office.

In the interest of shortening an already long post, I'm sorry to say I left out a few things. I had a brief one on one with the counselor after my husband had a full on session. At mine, he came in (called in by her) after about 10 minutes. During my brief time, I told her that he is different in public than in private. I said that he is controlling and how he does that. During the joint session she asked me if I still want to leave. I answered honestly and said "most of the time - yes". But when she spoke of his insecurities, it still came back to me doing things to reassure him even more. I'm ticked. We have such a double standard in our marriage and my husband tells me that he agrees that's true when I point it out. If he goes to play golf with his co-workers, I simply say have a good time - and I mean it. I read or crochet or find something else to do that I like. If I go have coffee with a girlfriend (only did this once) he continually calls me; asks what we talked about (sentence by sentence); and tells me that he's glad I went "even though it was his only day off that he could have spent with me"... what the $#%^ is that? Sorry. I guess I'm in a bit of a snit over this.

Is this marriage counselor accedited?

How old?

What gender?

Seems the counselors values are effecting the way he is seeking treatments. He/She is not listening to the cause of the breakdown of your marriage. Would your husband agree to seek out a different counselor? I feel like this counselor is not the right fit for your situation.

Annie, can't you see that is marriage counseling suggested by your husband is just another way to manipulate and control you? He does not want to address problems.. he only wants you to think that he is trying. You will never never never be able to work it out with this man. He is playing a game on you. Go back to the town that you originally came from and file a restraining order on this freak. Good luck to you

The counselor is female a little older than us. I think she is probably in her mid-50's. She is accredited and approved by our insurance. BUT... I don't think she's ever been married. She still lives with her mother who is in her 80's and is senile. The office is in the doctor's home office space, which is a mess! We know quite a bit about the counselor, which strikes me as odd as well. I don't think he'll want to find another counselor. This one is by far the closest to our home and others would be horribly inconvenient.

I think that life is too short to be controlled and miserable.

If he isn't going to work on his insecurities, it is not your place to reassure him. I would tell the counselor exactly how you feel at this next session. No holds barred, you have nothing to lose. If you see no improvement, it's time to take up and leave while you still have the self-esteem to get out from under his thumb.

I will do that. BTW - where is your office and what are your hours? I feel a bit better already.:D

This website can be wonderful therapy.

Good luck to you. Hopefully the counselor and your husband will take your final outburst as the wake up call it should be and you will find some feasible solutions, not this "you aren't catering enough" outlook.

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Originally Posted by linda cannon

Annie, can't you see that is marriage counseling suggested by your husband is just another way to manipulate and control you? He does not want to address problems..he only wants you to think that he is trying. You will never never never be able to work it out with this man. He is playing a game on you. Go back to the town that you originally came from and file a restraining order on this freak. Good luck to you

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I do believe this actually, that he's just acting like he's trying. It's harder to leave than you might think though. Plus, there is a part of me that wonders why I can't just sit in this house, be the perfect little housewife and dote on his every word and fawn all over him just to keep the peace. I know some people do it. I just don't seem to have it in me.

Annie, Annie, Annie, I know that it is hard to up and leave a marriage of five years. I was also at one time married to a control freak. You must get on with your life WITHOUT this man. You don't have children together, that makes it easier. This man took you away from everything familiar because of his need to isolate you and for him to be the only interest in your life. This man will not change. Yes I agree with the notion that you must ask yourself "was the first wife really a slut"? Or did she become a slut in his eyes when she could not take the control freak husband any longer and left him. Believe me... when you finally gather your strength and leave, he will also call you a slut to his next trusting relationship. But that my friend will be the best thing for you, for then he will be focusing on the control of another

I thought I was fairly concise - but must have been mistaken. My husband didn't say false things about his ex. Probably part of the reason for his insecurities. He also would not ever say that I'm a slut. Whether I stay or leave. I'm also "recycled" having been married before. Go Green!

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Originally Posted by AlpineAnnie

I thought I was fairly concise - but must have been mistaken. My husband didn't say false things about his ex. Probably part of the reason for his insecurities. He also would not ever say that I'm a slut. Whether I stay or leave. I'm also "recycled" having been married before. Go Green!

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Apparently when people have an ax to grind, they grind it wherever they can, whether it fits the situation or not. If "recycled" points are being awarded (by the way), I have you beat. Maybe there are points in other categories. We'll have to wait and see.

Keep smiling!

I just looked at all of that particular poster's posts and am not particularly impressed. (I'm going to suggest that my husband apply for the $10,000.) Thanks for all of your input though. It really is appreciated.

I agree with linda cannon
It sounds to me like he found an 'old school' counselor that is for the male figure being the head and you be in compliance, She is feeding into assuring his neediness and insecurities are valid by telling you to keep reassuring him when she should be discussing ways for him to over come his insecurities and for you not to enable his feelings by feeding into them with reassurance, Which is exactly what she is doing the opposite of
You need another counselor because she is not working the relationship to an mutual compatibility but one where you are basically to bow down to him
Which is exactly what HE wants. You will never be happy like that or you would already be happy with him.
Right now he is just buying time and hoping you will come to see it HIS way

You are not being heard by anybody. Not your husband, not your counsellor.

The first thing she needs to do is validate your feelings, and why you feel that way. She has to understand, by listening to you, where you're coming from.

That the feelings of your husband are paramount, and yours are secondary, plus the fact that her advice is to appease him, boost his ego, and therefore convince him he has nothing to worry about, is really skewed therapy.

You should feel that you have EQUAL say in all suggested work in therapy, and that what is decided to be done and tried, is decided upon by you and your husband. NOT the therapist. She can offer all she likes, but it is up to both parties to be comfortable negotiating, and initiating the recommendations. I do not see any compromising, or equality, in how you are being treated here.

There are no quick fixes, but there should be lots of options and opportunity for you to express yourself.

Your husband needs to address insecurity issues, jealousy issues, and trust issues.

These are things that are manifesting in your relationship with him, but they are not caused by you. He did not become this way since he married you, and he cannot justify his behaviour by saying you cause him to be this way, thus you have to change YOUR behaviour? That's nuts.

Please write again after the next session. I cannot get a grip on where the counsellor is going with this, but maybe she has a plan nobody is yet aware of.

Thought I would give an update after yesterday's session with the counselor. It got kind of ugly at the end to be honest.

Basically - after discussing the fact that I really don't have the freedom to come and go from my house without extensive drama, even though one of the things I stated was that I enjoy volunteer work at shelters, etc. the counselor suggested that I take up a hobby at home that's creative. It was also suggested that I alter my behavior even more by staying by my husband's side when we are out in public and by not talking to other people. She stated that they haven't really begun working on his problem yet. (That wasn't news to me). I blew a gasket. I said that I have no intention of furthering his controlling, insecure ways. I also said that I didn't need another hobby in my own home. I need the freedom to be allowed to leave it if I choose to. Then I said that her statements were b.s. and that I didn't understand at all why she's asking me to help by becoming even more of a prisoner than I am while my husband "thinks about his actions". I'm also supposed to stop feeling angry and every day to accept that the day before is the "past" and I'm not to hold that against him. I said that "basically you are saying that he can do and say whatever he wants each and every day and that on the next day it's a new beginning - in order for him to do it again." Then I think I said "b.s."

Just so you understand - the things that upset my husband were when we were in the grocery store together I might have a 10 second conversation with a stranger about?? The price of eggs, the weather, or whatever, with my husband right there. Male or female. Made no difference.

After we left her office we got into a huge fight - started by my husband. It ended with me telling him that he was more than welcome to continue to go see the good doctor but that I think she's nuts. I said that I would not put up with this crap any longer.

We stayed up all night talking about every issue and he really does understand what he's done. He just isn't sure how to undo the damage. The damage being that I'm so angry and bitter now. We have agreed here at home that he is going to really work on this; that I'm to come and go as I please (with obvious considerations like letting him know I'll be out for a bit - which I think should be a given) and we will sit down in 1 month to evaluate how it's going.

As for the counselor - I don't know or care if he sees her again but there are some things we think are strange. We know an awful lot about her as she talks about herself a lot; she's never been married; has no children; and doesn't get out of her own house because she takes care of her elderly mother. We also know that she's filed bankruptcy 3 times and her credit is shot. It doesn't seem normal for us to know all of this. We've never seen any counselors before so maybe we're mistaken and this is usual.

Sorry this is so long.

AlpineAnnie, it sounds to me like she graduated at the bottom of her class.

It is awesome that you and hubby talked a lot through. He is listening, AND talking, and seems to have an idea that his behaviour is killing the relationship.

I don't know if it will be enough, but I hope that it makes a difference and he can manage his emotions and insecurities. To be honest with you if he gets upset being with you in the grocery store, with you making a friendly comment about the price of eggs to another person, I have my doubts.

But, maybe the fear of realizing he may very well lose the love of his life, can motivate him to change. Maybe he realizes that working this out isn't an option anymore.