My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We have a 16 month old son together. We have been through A LOT. It seems like every time we have hard times like financial etc. He wants to break up with me. He never leaves but he gets very distant and doesn't want to be anywhere near me. Or maybe its my fault? Maybe I gripe too much and try to get him to talk about things when I know he doesn't like to. Anyway. I was in a car accident on the 9th of last month. Got hit by an 18 wheeler. The car got totaled. After it happened I was worried because it was his car and thought he would be mad. Instead he told me its OK. The car can be replaced but I can't. He was so good to me. I haven't been able to work because I hurt my back and my boss won't let me go back until the doctor releases me for full duty. So now he is the only one working and having to worry about all of the bills. I usually do that. When he found out that the other insurance company was only going to pay off the car and we had to figure out how to come up with money for another one. He has been really cranky. Its off and on though. The other day he told me he is done with us. He loves our son but he's done. I'm really confused though because when I tell him I love him or kiss him he does the same in return. He will say he doesn't know what he wants? He doesn't want to be in a relationship. On the other hand after he says things like that he will make comments or ask questions about the future. I am so confused? I love him so much. I want him to remember the reason he fell in love with me to begin with. My question is. Is it really over. Can we be saved? Does he truly not want to be with me? Is he scared of commitment?

16 month old son and financial problems doesn't seem like a great possibility for romance for a start. If you had the money I would suggest off loading your child somewhere while you two take a break which would leave just you and him and if the problems are still there then the problem really does lie with your relationship. Leave everything behind all your worries and have a good time with him. A week would be enough to find out for sure a weekend not so much.

I don't agree with the above advice at all. A child is not something you can just unload and deal with your relationship problems. They made that child together, they made a choice to have the child and to have sex. To simply say "off load" the child because they need to sort out their relationship is moronic.

You two need to have a serious discussion about your relationship, a flip flop relationship is not something to have a child around. Either stay together or stay apart, mind games are for teenagers, you have a child a responsibility. Life is hard, harder when you have a child. Either push through it together or do what's in the best interest of your child.

The bottom line is... your not going to be able to sort out what's wrong with you and him with a screaming child in the background and dollar signs flashing in your face. Escaping the harsh reality and being with each other for who you both are will either make or break you and to me that's what your asking to find out. How are you going to find the route of the problem if you have other things to deal with and squabble about? I think the above user is taking my "off load" statement a bit to judgementally and vearing away from what I'm actually trying to say!

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Originally Posted by dealmein

The bottom line is... your not going to be able to sort out whats wrong with you and him with a screaming child in the background and dollar signs flashing in your face. Escaping the harsh reality and being with each other for who you both are will either make or break you and to me thats what your asking to find out. How are you going to find the route of the problem if you have other things to deal with and squabble about? I think the above user is taking my "off load" statement a bit to judgementally and vearing away from what I'm actually trying to say!

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I understand your point, but I will have to side with Rome here. This is life, and you don't just get the convenience of dealing with one thing at a time. The ability of people to multi-task and handle multiple problems with multiple complications to each is what can make or break you. Certain things take priority in life, and children are priority one. Life, on the other hand, does NOT care if it is inconvenient for your current sitiuation, you just have to MAKE IT WORK!

When things pile on, it is the natural progression of living. One person can't just leave because things aren't going the way he planned. Guess what, EVERYONE is having a tough time financially right now, the economy sucks, period. That doesn't give someone the excuse to just leave.

I understand that a baby screaming in the background will not allow for pleasurable conversation but you also can close off something that you two chose to bring into this world either. Juggling things and able to resolve more than 1 issue at a time is a life requirement. You can't simply tell a problem to wait while you sort out another. Let me give you an example

When I was a junior is high school I had to deal with my great grand mother dying, then two months later my uncle died, then 2 months after that my best friend died in a car accident. I went through a very rough patch, and while I did this, my girlfriend at the time started cheating on me and causing arguments. I had to juggle a lot of things at once(not to mention family problems caused) and I couldn't just shelve one issue to deal with another.

That's nothing compared to having a kid in the house, they need to decide their final choice and live with it.

Hard times come and go but true love can make it through any and everything. People handle tough times differently and silence/distance may just be his way of coping with the stress. Although I personally do not agree with how he's handling the situation I am sympathetic to the fact that not everybody handles things the same. Give him a little time, he obviously loves you, and try to reassure him of your love and BE POSITIVE. When one partner is negative its hard for the other to look up, not blaming you at all just a piece of advice. It sounds like he's done this sort of thing before and has returned because he loves you so don't jump the gun and assume its all over. Get better soon :) and I hope it works out well for you

The number one priority seems to me to be saving their relationship. In the long run it will be better for the child if the parents take some time to evaluate things away from the stress and anguish... where's the harm in that. That's why we call it a break and everyone needs one.

They are clearly not working as a partnership as he tends to run away from things. If they work on their bonding TOGETHER they will be able to tackle life as a couple and she wouldn't need to resort to messaging a forum. She will be able to talk to him and find out the problems easier. I still think a break is needed.

They won't be running away from their responsibility it'll still be there when they return. We all need space to breathe a little when its not going the way it should.

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Originally Posted by dealmein

The number one priority seems to me to be saving their relationship. In the long run it will be better for the child if the parents take some time to evaluate things away from the stress and anguish... where's the harm in that. Thats why we call it a break and everyone needs one.

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No, the number one priority is the child. Always. I'm not sure of your age, Deal, and it's obvious that you don't have any kids but actually advising someone to "load off" their child for a week so they can escape reality is selfish. The thing about children is that you don't get to just have a break whenever you've got other things going on.

Rome and KC made some good points that being an adult means you have to learn to multitask. You can't just put one issue on "pause" until you're ready to resume real life. They need to have a serious conversation about the relationship goals and make some decisions. Children often complicate relationships but... that's why it's such a serious decision.

For the OP, you have to ask yourself if you are truly happy being treated this way. If the cons outweigh the pros then it may be time to get out. Are you two on the same page? You can still co-parent your son without necessarily being in a relationship together. It's possible that the relationship may have run its course but I think the first step is to sit down to talk and tell him how you've been feeling. See how he responds and make your decision based on whether anything changes.

I'm sure a week isn't long enough to cause a lifetime trauma of neglect! She said she wants him to remember why he fell in love with her to begin with... which is why I say take time alone.

How else will this be achieved its not working as a family unit because the bonding has been lost between them. Why else do you think men cheat after 10... 20 years or so? They feel escaping reality to be exciting, new and refreshing. It helps them deal with life other than sharing with their partners.

If you can take a week out maybe even a few days every once and a while to have this wifh your boyfriend and reignite the spark it once had there will be nothing you can't accomplish together orrrr it'll fall through the cracks...

Either way its better than making a rash decision based on your current circumstances which are very negative at the moment. The fact is you two obviously haven't learned to talk or bond that's what I'm getting at and that's why he's running away from everything. In my very controversial view you need this.

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Can we be saved? Does he truly not want to be with me? Is he scared of commitment?

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I think he is feeling overwhelmed right now and for good reason.Your going through some difficult times.

The trick to make your relationship survive tough times is to try to make life easier for one another and you must unite.You need to support each other emotionally and always know when to back off.

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Maybe I gripe too much and try to get him to talk about things when I know he doesn't like to.

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That is not going to help anything ,it just adds more pressure.

People should never make decisions about a break-up based on the problems of the moment.Work out the issues and then if you feel the same way,down the road,you can make a less emotional and more rational decision.

Back off, and give him some room to deal with his stress his own way. Take care of your child, and give him emotional support, through the hard times finances, and kids bring. Don't take it personally, he just needs room to wrestle with things, and figure out what he can do about it. That takes space, and patients.

The thing is, to keep your own wits about you and see beyond the emotion.

Been their done that, Still thanking my wife for putting up with my A$$, for so long while I grew up!