Hi everyone,

I'm new to this board and hoping you could help. My husband and I have been married happily for 3 years; we have a 2 yr old boy. Our son was recently diagnosed with autism, which came as a huge blow to the family. We're doing our best to get help for our son, to help make things easier for him as he grows up. This has put a strain on my relationship with my husband. He came home late one night during the week, after a few beers, and an argument grew out of nothing. It ended with him telling me it was my fault that our son has autism, and that he resents me for it. This has hurt me to the point that I've now convinced myself I'm to blame somehow. I understand that my husband is under stress but I'm not sure how to approach him anymore. He has always been supportive, caring, considerate, but since the diagnosis, he has avoided my son and I. It seems as though he no longer cares about his family. I'm worried about saying something to him in case I isolate him even more. Help!

Hello Mommamia,
Welcome to the sight! FIrst of all, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through these troubles. No one wants to hear that their son/daughter has a developmental disability, but because they diagnosed it so young, I am sure there is a lot of help out there for you and your family. Since it has been caught so early... there is so many different techniques and therapies they can put your son through. As far as your husband and the way he has been acting, I am sure this has come as a shock to him as well, but he has NO RIGHT to blame you at all! That is the LAST thing he should do! Everyone deals with stress differently, and I would assume he is probably not cheating on you, he is probably just trying to avoid the truth, and his way of doing that, is not being around. This is obviously not the right way to deal with this. You and him need each other right now, more than any other time. I would suggest that you set up some couples counseling sessions, because this needs to be worked out. You both need to be strong for your son, he needs both of you. Also I know there are also support groups out there for people dealing with autism in their families. This is also something you may want to check into. I am hoping for your sake, that this will pass, and this is his way of dealing with the news, but, again, there is no excuse for him to say it is your fault, and you should not accept him telling you this. This is why I would suggest counseling Immediately. He might even need some individual counseling, or at least a place where he feels comfortable talking about this, and his doubts and worries about his son, he may feel for whatever reason, that you may judge him for his doubts/concerns. I wish you the best with this, hang in there, you WILL get through this time in your lives, and I am sure your son will get the help he needs. YOu sound like a loving Mommy, and he is lucky to have you... and you are lucky to have him. Tell me, if you don't mind talking about it, do they think it is a severe form of Autism, or mild? I have worked with the Autistic for a few years in the past, and I am just curious. What were the signs that your son had it?

Hi, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I would doubt that your husband is cheating. I know stress can affect all of us differently and maybe he is not handling it so well. I am sure he doesn't really blame you, he is probably just angry and maybe he even blames himself a little.

I was once told something that made perfect sense. Pardon me while I go off topic a moment. Two of my boys were born with a horrible genetic disorder. When the first one was born, the doctors had no idea what it was. When the figured it out, they showed me the worst possible picture of what my boys "might" end up looking like. Thank God, they have turned out fine. I had to go through a mourning period. The child that I thought I would have was not the child that I got. Sometimes we have plans for our children and we don't even really know it. We imagine that they will go to school, they will go to birthday parties, have first dated, go on field trips, go to dances, join sports teams, get married, and have children of their own. When something interferes with that we have to realize that our reality has changed and it is like a loss. We must mourn what we thought we had, the perfect child we hoped for. Then after that we realize we are still blessed with this child but now we must take a different approach. All the things that you dreamt and hoped for for your child will be different.

I think if you give your husband some time and maybe even get some counselling, your family will pull through. I know there are support groups for things like this. Groups where maybe you can get to know other families like yours. I don't think your husband knows how to deal with his current situation.

I wish you the best. Take care.

Unfortunately a lot of parents live in a "Barbie-doll" world when it comes to their kids. I'm sure you know the type ; their daughters have to look like Barbie, their sons have to look like Ken and become doctors or lawyers. It sounds like your husband is one of these. Dealing with such a person can be very difficult indeed and marriages have, sadly, been ruined because of situations such as these, where one parent can't accept the fact that their child has a problem. They typically want to blame the other parent and try to live in denial where the problem is concerned. I think that your husband is going to need a little bit of tough love, where someone he respects tells him point-blank "Look, like it or not, your son has a problem and it has to be dealt with." It certainly isn't your fault that your son has autism nor is it your husband's. Autistic children can often be helped a great deal with the therapies available. However, both parents have to participate and that begins with acceptance of the fact along with a determination to help the child as much as possible. It's not likely that your son will ever be able to be completely cured but it is altogether possible that he can be helped to a reasonably normal way of living. The earlier it starts, the better. Your husband has to come down off his high horse, realize he's not living in Shangri-la and make up his mind to face this head-on, without accusing or blaming.

Tie your husband up right now and take him to first a doctor so he knows what he has to do to support his son and then a counsellor. It sounds like he needs more professional help than your son does. Don't let him shake you with his b... s.. t rants either. Your son needs you both. Not fair for you to bear the brunt of the responsibility or criticism.

I agree totally with Tal-- he needs a kind of intervention. That was his grief and fear talking so don't you take it seriously for one minute! Instead, set aside the needs of your son for just one moment to attend to the needs of your husband. He is exhibiting signs of not coping, and it may be he simply doesn't have the skills to cope with this and its drowning himself. It may be a blessing he is temporarily avoiding you both right now-- knowing how toxic he is? Set up appointments where he can go along to both your son's doctor and a counselor of some kind who helps the parents of afflicted children. If you have a minister who is close to the famliy or any other resource you think might have some ability to help him, call them too. Then ask him to come with you to talk to these people. Gently, lovingly remind him of who he used to be before he found out about his son's condition, express your faith in him that he is still that same man and let him know you need that guy back and that all this is meant to help him, and help the both of you cope. Let him know that you know he is thrown for a loop here and that you are too. Remind him that the two of you together are bigger than this problem. Make no mention of his earlier outburst. Hold your hand out to him in faith and in need and see what he does. Make it easy for him to get the help and keep his pride. The important thing is to get him talking with professionals about the autism-- the sooner he does, the more "ordinary" it will begin to feel to him and the stress will subside. If this doesn't work you can resort to tougher love later. But don't suspect cheating and please don't call it abandonment when all it might be is a big lack of coping skills that is easily remedied, okay?

Val, I totally agree... it is a way to avoid grief and coping with something... great advice!! This type of behavior is not uncommon,, and it is not too late for interventions! I am sorry that you are having to take the brunt of his lack of coping skills... but listen to Val! I totally agree with that advice! Good luck to you and let us know what's going on.

Protect your health... Your son as presented a challenged for your marriage... and the adventure is not a easy one... you will be exhausted... financial problems will become an issue... he may be socially isolated... the child will sleep for a few hours.. he will engaged with self abusive behavior and disruptive behavior... turn to a source for help... groups like Autism Society of America will provide support... it is no one's fault that your son is has autism... Give your husband an example of a person with autism... one person I have in mind is a Professor at the Colorado State University... this person is a high functioning person with autism... name is Dr. Temple Grandin... relax there are good teachers with special training in this area... one book some educators use as a reference is Human Exceptionally Society, School and Family by authors, Micheal L. Hardman and Clifford J. Drew and M. Winston Egan ... it was in its seventh edition... when I read it... the topics are varied at least it will give you something else to do doing your down time... your husband response is not unique... do go for counseling... again it is not any one's fault that your child is challenged...

Unfrotunately I know for a fact women's guy insinct are usually 96% of the time right.

Get to therapy with him. If he won't go - go yourself!

You should also tell how YOU feel. What a jackass - this is your kid!! Bothof you. No ones fault! This child should be a joy regardless!

Denial... anger... then acceptance. He should come around.Take care of your family.