My son is 3 months. I was never married to his father. His father has 4 felonies and a criminal record that is 35 pages long. He has had an addiction to cocaine since he was 19 and he is now 31. Since I have known him he has not been clean for more than 3 months. He has been through rehab at least 6 times. He was either in jail or rehab the entire time I was pregnant. He stayed clean for about 2 1/2 months until last week when he went on a binge. He lost his job, which is part of his parole. His Parole officer knows of this last incident and they have a meeting on Monday. We are not (as of yet) taking this to court. We do have a meeting at the child support agency where we will discuss custody and visitation. I know that I have to have sole physical custody, but should I ask for sole legal also? I would like to have both, but is that asking too much. I know that he is not stable enough to make major decisions for his child, but I do not want trouble.

If I were in your shoes I would want sole legal and physical custody with supervised visitation.

To me that is not asking too much since you do not want your child around that kind of environment.

Asking for just the right amount isn't what guarantees you won't have trouble with folks like your ex... you'd understand that by now, don't you? Ask for everything... absolutely everything! And be sure, just in case you aren't already, to get yourself straightened up now that you have a child to raise -- it is the most important work you'll ever do in your entire life, okay? :)

I know that he is impossible to deal with. He still blames his addiction on others, especially me. When I talk to him I always feel harassed. I know what is best for my child, which is not having a father that is in and out of his life. His father is very controlling and selfish. He is not trying to take care of his son, but trying to make himself happy. When the baby was first born he told me that he needed to see him because it might help him stay away from drugs. That is not what babies are for. Is it likely that I could get no visitation? At least until he proves to be clean (if that ever happens). My son means the world to me and all I want to do is protect him.

I don't know where you live, but worst case scenario is that he will have to have supervised visitation. The court can appoint someone to watch over the visitation for a few hours a week. You might even be able to ask for weekly drug tests regarding his visitation, if it comes up positive for drugs, then visitation is revoked.

I am in Wisconsin. I had set something up with him to come to my moms every other week for two hours. He did not show the last 2 times, but insists on the visits. I am worried that if I do go through the courts, his visits would be a couple times a week. I don't like having that much contact with him.

With a record like his it would be quite unusual for the visits to be more often.

However, I believe it may benefit you to go through the court because of his record. The court then would assign a custodian to watch over the visitations so that nothing inappropriate will happen while he is with your son.

If he continues to insist on the visits then I suggest that you insist on him going to your mom's house. You can play the same game he is. If he does not visit but continues to insist then you can pull your trump card and tell him that it will be decided in court.

Just out of curiosity, nothing more, but you mention his drug problem and you call yourself MissMeth18. Makes one think of either Methamphetamine or Methodone. Please do not answer that here, as that is not our business, but, if he finds this nickname out he may try to use it against you.

I know some will disagree with my last comment, but I am used to men who try and play games. I am just trying to help you CYA.

I am just trying to think of anything he could use against you if he were that kind of person.

That has been my screen name on quite a few sites since I was 16. I had a crush on method man( for some odd reason). It is something that I remember. I have another one I use a lot but it is my nickname and I did not want anyone he knows to see this. I am not a drug user nor smoker. I am in school full time (health field). I am the complete opposite of him. Did I mention that he has a 12 yo daughter who his parents have custody of.

If he keeps doing what he is doing, is it possible to get his rights terminated?

Well, you really did not have to answer that question, I was just trying to bring up the fact that if he does find out about it, and is the manipulating kind, he might try to use it against you.

Health Field, great choice! Of course I am biased, but there is a lot of work for health care workers, and the pay is great.

You say his parents have custody of his 12 y/o. Where is the mother? Is she in the same sort of situation he is?

If that is the case you should really have the courts on your side. If you have legal papers you have more power.

The mother has the same problem, just not as bad. I am just extremely nervous about all of this.

Oh, hun, I am sure you are nervous!!

But you need the legal system on your side. Does he pay child support? You need someone who will fight for your rights and the rights of your son.

The mother has the same problem, but you do not. You are stable and making a better life for you and your child. That is what will be looked at in court.

You just remember that you are the healthy one. You are the one who will raise your son in a healthy environment. That is a major plus on your part!!

Keep your chin up, you are doing the right thing!!

Thank you so much for your help. I have read so much information on the internet. I keep reading that I should not keep him from being around his son because a son needs his father. I know in my heart that it is better to have no father than one who is a child himself. If he cannot take care of himself, then he cannot take care of a child. I am in the process of filing for child support. I hate feeling this way, every time he calls he makes me feel awful. I hope that everything goes well. I will let you know what happens. I will probably have more questions as things come so I am sure to be posting again. Thank you!

Actually a child does need a father FIGURE, but that does not have to be the birth father.

There are groups out there, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters for instance, who can help with the father figure issue. They are mentors when children do not have fathers in their lives.

You can do this, and I am sure you know by now that we are here to help you.

If you feel you should ask for sole legal custody then do it. There's no guarantee you'll get it as courts tend to be very protective of parents' rights, even when the parent is clearly as unfit as your son's father. Be prepared to make your case and make sure you have documentation to substantiate everything you've told us here, as well as any other pertinent issues. Also speak with a lawyer if you haven't already.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

Is it likely that I could get no visitation? At least until he proves to be clean (if that ever happens). My son means the world to me and all I want to do is protect him.

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Getting no visitation at all is probably out of the question if the father indicates that he wants it. Again, you can try but don't be shocked if the judge rules against you on this one. Personally I agree with you that no visitation, at least for now, is probably the best thing. However our family law system in this country is pretty screwy so you've got to cover your tail 110%.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

I had set something up with him to come to my moms every other week for two hours. He did not show the last 2 times, but insists on the visits. I am worried that if I do go through the courts, his visits would be a couple times a week. I dont like having that much contact with him.

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Make it known that he did not appear for previously scheduled visits when building your case.

He missed his parole appointment yesterday. What would it take for him to eventually lose his rights? I know he is not going to change. He does not want to be involved in his sons life to benefit his son, but to benefit himself. If I can hardly handle the first few months, then I don't know how I am going to get through 18 years.

A child does need his father, but I believe that this guy has pretty much eliminated himself as a father figure by his continuing illegal behavior. If your father, brothers, uncles or grandfathers are around and are decent people, live as close to them as possible so that he will have a father figure around. Definitely try and get full and sole custody, I wouldn't trust that guy with my child for 2 seconds, supervised or not. The fear of him coming and running away with the child would be my driving force.

Actually, nothing will cause him to completely lose his rights. The more unfit he proves to be, the more limited his rights will be but he'll never lose them completely unless he chooses not to pursue them.

That is not fair to the child. I guess the courts are not really looking out for the child either. It feels like I am the only one.

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Originally Posted by missmeth18

That is not fair to the child. I guess the courts are not really looking out for the child either. It feels like I am the only one.

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Bingo! You've hit it right on the head!

Do I need a lawyer to go in front of the family court commissioner? I am getting together with the father to try to settle things out of court. Does anyone have advice on how to talk to him in order to get what I want? I am going to ask for sole custody with supervised visitation. He already agreed to the supervised visitation. He is very hard to talk to, so I need some pointers. Should I be nice and ask or should I tell him.