Ask Me Help Desk - Verbal abuse

Wondering if there is some way of coping with a verbally abusive spouse. It happens around full moon, new moon and/or menstrual cycle. Otherwise she is wonderful. Due to cultural background stigma, she won't accept that there could be a problem with her mind and tries to pin mental health on me. We went together to see a clinical psychologist who said she was suffering from border personality disorder. My wife walked out. I don't want to leave my marriage. I love my wife and my kids. Finding it so hard to transmute the vicious barrage of insults.

Is there someone else that would be able to get through to her, to get some help? Close friend or family member?

So basically for one and a half to two weeks out of a month all is well?
If you have children then she is not only hurting you and your relationship but the children as well.No child should be exposed to verbal abuse.
You need to take charge and insist that she seek help as her inability to control her illness is breaking up your family.
Mental illness does not discriminate and there should be no stigma.No one has to know if she is put on medication.The doctor is not allowed to tell anything about his patients.
What about the stigma of destroying a family's right to peace and serenity in their own home?
Be firm and tell her what she is doing to her children will harm them for life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

So basically for one and a half to two weeks out of a month all is well?
If you have children then she is not only hurting you and your relationship but the children as well.No child should be exposed to verbal abuse.
You need to take charge and insist that she seek help as her inability to control her illness is breaking up your family.
Mental illness does not discriminate and there should be no stigma.No one has to know if she is put on medication.The doctor is not allowed to tell anything about his patients.
What about the stigma of destroying a family's right to peace and serenity in their own home?
Be firm and tell her what she is doing to her children will harm them for life.

Thank you so much, kind lady, for your helpful advice re my teen son. Yours and the others helped me understand my son better, and helped us get back on track. And now stronger.
Re my wife. Poor soul. It must be a lonely ride. She was diagnosed as BPD, but won't accept and her family are backing her to the hilt, foolishly. So trying desparately to pin blame on me. Does the full and new moon times affect people. She seems to be worst in these periods. And menstrual cycle as well. Problem with this disorder is at the time of attacks, there is no reasoning. And in the normal periods, there is denial. I threathened to leave unless she saw a psychiatrist. I had to go along as well. He has put her under a psychologist for intensive therapy and put me in touch with a social worker. Still denial and getting worse. My worry is we've already seen 3 psychologists and all were discarded by her as 'quacks'. I just don't want to lose my family. But it's lonely and the verbal assaults are so painful. Such razor sharp barbs and with such speed. I have just begun recording them. I have been advises so far by the psychologists we've seen to leave or put up. I'm supposed to learn to 'transmute' , but the whole thing is like a nightmare.
Would love to receive some insightful advice from you. And thank you so much again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

Is there someone else that would be able to get through to her, to get some help? Close friend or family member?

Thank you for your time and concern. The family believes that mental illness is a bad stigma on the family name and will not allow her to believe that mental illness can afflict anyone in that family. My wife even told our family doctor that 'there is no mental illness in our family as we come from a high class family'. My wife comes from India. And my wife does not have any close friend. I doubt anyway if my wife would make public any private concern that she has about her mental health. She tries desparately to overcome her feelings of depression/anger by reading Louise Hay's Heal yourself through affirmations. I have spent this whole morning on the internet looking up 'how to handle sposal abuse ' and have come across a site Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), relationships with abusive narcissists and psychopaths, spouse abuse, and verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Self-love, Narcissism, Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Relationships with Abusers, Stalkers, and Bullies - Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Re-Visited.
The advice is quite bleak. Leave or Mirror her behavior. I loathe her behavior. I am traumatised by it. Pretty tough call to mirror it. I do love her and will bear up and trust in the universe and in philosophy. And thankfully, some gems of wisdom will flow through through you kind people.

Hi Shamrock,

I am so very sorry to hear of what you and your family are going through. I have Borderling Personality Disorder and believe me, not only is it difficult on me, but on my boyfriend and family as well. I am actively getting help through a psycologist and a psyciatrist but I still have my bouts of low self esteem, crying fits, and neediness. Your wife seems to have different symptoms that I do however. In any case, I hope that she realizes that she has a problem and gets help for herself and for you and your family. Denial is the worst, and so is the stigma attached. Please know that we are all here for you, and we will do our best in offering our advise.