Am I silly for wanting to hold on?
This one is a bit long bare with me please I could use the advise.
Okay I am in my late 20’s and had been single for about 3 years; I had not been looking for anything special just enjoying my time. I decided that I would move back to my hometown in August. It was a great time I reconnected with a lot of friends and family and old co-workers. I met up with a guy that I had not directly worked with but we knew of each other. We hadn’t seen each other in about 2 years and we met up for dinner and drinks. It was an interesting evening we talked about everything you could imagine. It was the BEST first date without really knowing it was a date. We stayed up talking till 5am. We had about 2 more dates before it got physical but it felt so right. He is a bit older than me so we are in different places but for some reason it didn’t seem to matter. He had cautioned me that he is a bit of a lone wolf and has been so for quite a while (sometimes he pushes people away without knowing it) I took the warning with a grain of salt. Things were going great. He met my family and it was like he was already a part of it everyone loved him. He had talked to me about moving in to his place and kids and marriage. I was falling head over heels in love. About 3 months into things is when we started talking more seriously about our love for each other. I had little visions of wedding bells in my head. Then came November…he decided to take a medical leave of absence from work due to stress. I was there for him but he did push me away. When I approached him about it he apologized and said he didn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t know he was doing it. Things were a little strained but still OK something I thought we could work out with some communication. Then came Dec…more pulling away. I had lost my job at this point so both of us weren’t working yet he barely wanted to see me. When we did see each other it seemed OK but I think I saw him for a total of 5 times for the whole month. His mother came to visit over Christmas/New Years I met her briefly but it was almost like he wanted us to have limited contact. Around this time he had a series of people close to him pass away suddenly a best friend, a mentor, a loved pet and a family member. So needless to say he retreated into a depressed state didn’t want to talk about it or anything. I decided not to push. Then came Jan even worse I would call him and he didn’t pick up the phone I would leave a message and he wouldn’t return my call for a week. I would text message him and never get a response. When I finally saw him mid Jan he said thank you so much for putting up with me and my moods I am surprised that you are even still talking to me right now I am so lucky to have you in my life I love you so much. Great! Then the no phone call thing again. I had had about enough of this…I wrote him a letter on at the beginning of Feb saying that if he really wanted this to work out to contact me but I will not be in contact with him anymore I can’t keep doing this to myself and that I still loved him very much and only wish the best for him. Well the month went by with no calls, no emails nothing. I had started to accept the fact that it was over. Last Monday I received an e-mail just telling me how depressed he is and that he lost his job and he feels like a loser etc. It sounded like a cry for help. I responded to his email just letting him know that although we are not together anymore doesn’t mean I can’t still be his friend and that I am here for him. I got another email back this one even sounded even worse. I called him right away and he picked up. He sounded upbeat and happier than I had heard in a while. I asked him out to lunch so that we could chat a little bit. Then I am back to square one. He hasn’t returned the call….I know I must sound silly to a lot of you but I truly love this man unconditionally. I want to be with him and share my life with him. Do you think I am holding on to something that will never be?
