Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend experiences pain and no pleasure

Me and my girlfriend have been trying to have enjoyable sex now for about three months. We each have two previous partners. I keep thinking I'm doing something wrong or I am no good because she experienced pain at first and didn't want to proceed any farther. She said it was because of my size but I don't see that as relevant. We try as much foreplay as possible and I use lubricant. I can make her orgasm very easily by stimulating her clitoris. But finger penetration and oral she doesn't like nearly as much. She said her previous two partners she enjoyed sex with and I want to make her happy before myself. I fear that there might be a health problem. Or despite what she says she isn't attracted to me or that there is something she is holding back physiologically. Other then this problem we have an amazing relationship PLEASE help me

Does she ever assume a "dominant" role... as in taking a dominant position, like woman on top?

Does she initiate sex?

What position does it seem to hurt for her? Or is it any posistion that will hurt? Try both of you laying on your sides.

We have tried laying on our sides and it doesn't seem to be any different then when I'm on top. We seem to initiate sex about the same. Its confusing because she just tells me "It doesn't feel like anything. And when it does it hurts" yet Its so easy to make her orgasm my rubbing her clitoris. I feel like I'm somewhat using her when she just tells me to finish and she doesn't enjoy it at all

So... can she hit orgasm during intercourse with self stimulation at the clitoris?

Well when you going down on her, does she seem to really enjoy it and you?

We haven't really tried that. It seems to be uncomfortable when I touch her maybe because of the pain. When I ask her why she says she doesn't feel anything. I'm scared that she just doesn't want to get into it because it hurts if I go slow or it hurts if I go too deep. Shower sex is almost impossible. Sometimes its really hard to get my penis inside her

Quote:

Originally Posted by arnimal7

Well when you going down on her, does she seem to really enjoy it and you?

I really enjoy giving her oral. But for some reason she doesn't like it. She tells me she likes when I rub her more.

I hate to get personal but how big are you, and how small is she. If you are really big she my have it in her mind that it is going to hurt and that may be keeping her from relaxing enough to enjoy it. I would think this is a VERY RARE situation but I just can't imagine why it would hurt that much and be so hard for you to even penetrate.

I don't see where it would be a medical issue because she has had no problem with her other partners. Perhaps she needs to take a trip to the doctor to make sure everything is okay.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

I hate to get personal but how big are you, and how small is she. If you are really big she my have it in her mind that it is going to hurt and that may be keeping her from relaxing enough to enjoy it. I would think this is a VERY RARE situation but I just can't imagine why it would hurt that much and be so hard for you to even penetrate.

I don't see where it would be a medical issue because she has had no problem with her other partners. Perhaps she needs to take a trip to the doctor to make sure everything is okay.

I consider myself TOTALLY normal. But according to her I'm not. 7" long and 2" wide. This is getting to the point where I don't care about myself AT ALL. Em doing this all for her. I want her to be happy to be with me. Not frustrated...

Quote:

Originally Posted by iac449

I consider myself TOTALLY normal. but according to her im not. 7" long and 2" wide. This is getting to the point where I don't care about myself AT ALL. Em doing this all for her. I want her to be happy to be with me. Not frustrated....

Wow, I would just say she needs to go see her doctor, or its all in her head. This is a tough one, and I am sure it hurts you as much as it hurts her just in a different way.

Sorry and good luck.

I agree with a trip to a doctor. There is a disease called endometriosis. This can cause painful sex and it is not an STD.

Have you ever asked her what kind of pain she's feeling... burning? Skin stretching? Stinging? Cramps?

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

I agree with a trip to a doctor. There is a disease called endometriosis. This can cause painful sex and it is not an STD.

Have you ever asked her what kind of pain she's feeling... burning? skin stretching? stinging? cramps?

Our first few times I think she was just trying to please me and after she said it hurt to move and she was sick to her stomach. A burning as well. We have both been safe with each other and with our previous partners, so an STD would be out of the question. I don't want to offend her by imposing the idea that its in her head. Her last trip to the doctor she was scared to mention the issue, but we will be going to the doctor soon. Is there anything that I can do differently to maybe make her feel something?

While many "polls" show a majority of women like oral sex versus intercourse, that doesn't mean all men know how to do it well...

My experience is what one woman loves... the next woman might absolutely hate. It just isn't that simple.

Guys have it so easy. Some version of push/pull/repeat usually works.

A woman's body is more complicated.

Dor ex... my previous love could get off with hard stim at the clitoris. It could be her finger or mine. Didn't matter. Money in the bank. Orgasms all the time.

Next lover damn near hit me upside the head with the same stim.

She never, ever got off missionary. Not with me. Not with previous lovers. Most intercourse positions require her to self stim if she wants to hit orgams. She can also orgasm with self stim and my mouth over her body (not oral).

Point is... if my lover reaches down to self stim, I don't think "what the hell am i doing wrong"... I get the anatomy. It's a "bad design" sort of... and honestly, when she reaches down to self stim, I find it sexy as sin.

She won't be denied. She Needs this orgasm.

It isn't about a lack of understanding on my part. It isn't an attack on me physically.

I honestly don't give a damn if she needs a vibe to get her off when I'm inside her... as long as she can find peace and hit that Big O... fine.

So... my suggestion is to take time to sensitize her. To make it not about you. To have your skin on her skin. To take time to let her body amp up.

Sex and orgasms aren't underrated... but sometimes you need to build sensual (not sexual) tension. Take some time to let things build.

The things we often call "foreplay" are often "wrong"... at least in my opinion.

Yes... I love and crave deep, passionate kisses... but why not save these for later? Slow, deliberate skin on skin is better... gives her body time to adjust, gives me time to amp up mentally and physically.

When is your partner most primed? It's a question worth asking. My love, for ex, loves physical attention in the early AM, but is too tired and overly sensitized at night, when I am most attentive.

So... time to talk to your partner. What are her needs? Her desires? When is she most interested? What does she like most?

The more you can approach this in a caring, calm manner, the better.

I don't take offense that my lover rarely gets off in missionary, man on top. I know this isn't a good position for her, even if it feels good. I know oral on her is the best bet, and that I usually need to be much more patient than I normally would be, to get her to orgasm.

It takes time and honest, open communication. Try not to approach this like there are "issues to solve"... yes, you want to please her. That's great. But you also need to understand how this can be a process of experimentation... something that takes time... has failures...

Glad you want to please your love. Be patient and willing to know that sometimes it takes time to find what works and what doesn't.

I was over 6 years into my marriage before I discovered a "new trick" that worked for my love.

And also remember, if it was all about getting an orgasm, well, you can do that yourself, by yourself. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please a love, but don't put too much pressure on getting to orgasm.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iac449

our first few times I think she was just trying to please me and after she said it hurt to move and she was sick to her stomach. A burning as well. We have both been safe with each other and with our previous partners, so an STD would be out of the question. I don't want to offend her by imposing the idea that its in her head. Her last trip to the doctor she was scared to mention the issue, but we will be going to the doctor soon. Is there anything that I can do differently to maybe make her feel something?

Were you there when she had sex with her previous partner? Did you know condoms are 100% fail proof? Don't be so niave. If she's told you she's told you she was too scared to mention her prob;ems to the doctor that pretty much tells you she has never been tested for STDs.

STD's like chlamydia and gonorhea and herpes and so many more can have no symptons at all for years! If you are having sex you need tohave regular STD check ups. There are no excuses.

You don't really know her past all you know is what she tells you. You are right to trust her but if there are obvious signs of a health issue like pain during sex pressuring her to get tested for STD's is a must.

I suggest you do nothing until she is tested for STD's. Burning is not a "normal" sex pain at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrissymarie

Were you there when she had sex with her previous partner? Did you know condoms are 100% fail proof? Dont' be so niave. If she's told you shes told you she was too scared to mention her prob;ems to the doctor that pretty much tells you she has never been tested for STDs.

STD's like chlamydia and gonorhea and herpes and so many more can have no symptons at all for years! If you are having sex you need tohave regular STD check ups. There are no excuses.

You dont really know her past all you know is what she tells you. You are right to trust her but if there are obvious signs of a health issue like pain during sex pressuring her to get tested for STD's is a must.

I suggest you do nothing until she is tested for STD's. Burning is not a "normal" sex pain at all.

That's scary. That is something we both need to do. And I'm sure you can understand that I'm not a woman so wouldn't have the slightest clue on how it feels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

while many "polls" show a majority of women like oral sex versus intercourse, that doesnt mean all men know how to do it well...

my experience is what one woman loves... the next woman might absolutely hate. it just isnt that simple.

guys have it so easy. some version of push/pull/repeat usually works.

a womans body is more complicated.

dor ex... my previous love could get off with hard stim at the clitoris. it could be her finger or mine. didnt matter. money in the bank. orgasms all the time.

next lover damn near hit me upside the head with the same stim.

she never, ever got off missionary. not with me. not with previous lovers. most intercourse positions require her to self stim if she wants to hit orgams. she can also orgasm with self stim and my mouth over her body (not oral).

point is... if my lover reaches down to self stim, i dont think "what the hell am i doing wrong".... i get the anatomy. its a "bad design" sort of... and honestly, when she reaches down to self stim, i find it sexy as sin.

she wont be denied. she Needs this orgasm.

it isnt about a lack of understanding on my part. it isnt an attack on me physically.

i honestly dont give a damn if she needs a vibe to get her off when im inside her... as long as she can find peace and hit that Big O... fine.

so... my suggestion is to take time to sensitize her. to make it not about you. to have your skin on her skin. to take time to let her body amp up.

sex and orgasms arent underrated... but sometimes you need to build sensual (not sexual) tension. take some time to let things build.

the things we often call "foreplay" are often "wrong"... at least in my opinion.

yes... i love and crave deep, passionate kisses... but why not save these for later? slow, deliberate skin on skin is better... gives her body time to adjust, gives me time to amp up mentally and physically.

when is your partner most primed? its a question worth asking. my love, for ex, loves physical attention in the early AM, but is too tired and overly sensitized at night, when i am most attentive.

so... time to talk to your partner. what are her needs? her desires? when is she most interested? what does she like most?

the more you can approach this in a caring, calm manner, the better.

i dont take offense that my lover rarely gets off in missionary, man on top. i know this isnt a good position for her, even if it feels good. i know oral on her is the best bet, and that i usually need to be much more patient than i normally would be, to get her to orgasm.

it takes time and honest, open communication. try not to approach this like there are "issues to solve"... yes, you want to please her. thats great. but you also need to understand how this can be a process of experimentation... something that takes time... has failures...

glad you want to please your love. be patient and willing to know that sometimes it takes time to find what works and what doesnt.

i was over 6 years into my marriage before i discovered a "new trick" that worked for my love.

and also remember, if it was all about getting an orgasm, well, you can do that yourself, by yourself. theres nothing wrong with wanting to please a love, but dont put too much pressure on getting to orgasm.

That really helps me out. I don't want it to be a chore, for either of us. Its frustrating that her previous partners pleasured her. But that I cant. I think its not about the orgasm but more of the sexual contact and caressing. That being close to someone that she enjoys the most. I'm glad that she tells me that's its okay and that I still make her happier then anyone. But hopefully she isn't disappointed much longer. Because I can see her becoming less sexually charged. Pushing me away more, and not wanting to get in the mood because the outcome won't be satisfying for her

Is she relaxed when she's having sex with you because if your size is an issue with her than maybe the two of you should find positions that are comfortable for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Is she relaxed when she's having sex with you because if your size is an issue with her than maybe the two of you should find positions that are comfortable for her.

I asked her if maybe we should try her on top facing away from me. With me laying flat. That maybe she can move herself to find something that she likes. She doesn't seem to be all that much into wanting to try new things as much as me. I only want to make HER happy

You're larger than normal, bro. Average penis length is 5.5-6.2, and width is about 1.75. Try using lube, or non-latex condoms (polyuerthane). Latex condoms, and no lube, can often rub her raw very quickly and leave her sore for a while, especially if she's not aroused enough. Also, you will be at least at little painful if she's not used to your size yet. If all else fails, have her check with a doctor to make sure she doesn't have a urinary tract infection, or some similar problem.