I have a 19 year old son that just walked out the door just a few minutes ago. He was mad at me. He blames me for being a bad father, and says that is why he is so messed up, but now he says he is finding out about himself, and he is figureing out about life in his own way. The things he says about me and his mom has some truth to it. I can see where he would think the way he does, but you know we did the best job we knew how to do.

My biggest problem is I don't want him to cut us out of his life. I love him. My heart would be broke if I never got to see him again.

Do you think there would ever come a time where he would get past all of this hate he has for us?

Sad Dad

Just be there when he needs you.

You said that he has some basis for his anger, what are the circumstances, have you ever apologized to him?

He needs to realize that you did the best you could, that you realize that you made mistakes and that you are sorry and would like to start fresh.

Hopefully he'll come around, but that's up to him and you.

Have you suggested family therapy? This might help you both get over the rough spots and help you deal with the past.

Good luck.

Just don't cut the ties, don't say anything you will regret. Be there if and when he needs you

Our family trouble started back in 2005.

My son and my wife were having an argument and he punched her. That is when everything started. Brian (my son) started to have real bad feelings for his mom. In the past year he openly admits he hates her. He refers to her as (talking to me) your wife.

When he punched her I called 911 and he spent 4 or 5 days in the YDC. That was in 2005.

He turned 18 in Oct 89, and soon after he got in trouble for contributing to the delinquincy of a minor. He was out with friends and some were under age, and it was after midnight. That has been hanging over his head and I feel like his problems are mine to solve. I want to keep him out of trouble.

He quit school half way through his senior year. He went for his GED. He is very smart. He could have taken the test right away and been through. I pushed him for almost a year to finish, which he did with flying colors.

He just got a ticket for being drunk in public. He now is on probation and has to pay a $400 fine. He has no job, and he says to me if I really loved him I would help him pay his fine.

Anyway life is difficult when he is at home. He calls his mom a all the time, cusses me if I say anything to him about the way he acts while at home. He is disrespectful to us. Oh yeah he says things to his little sister that hurt her feelings. He tells me that he is trying to get her to grow up and act right.

It is a big mess and I am caught in the middle. I am a bad husband if I am not hard on him like my wife wants me to be, and I am a bad dad if I listen to my wife and not allow Brian to do what he wants, which he does anyway.

No telling what will happen now. I know when he is staying with friends he smokes weed, but with him on probation he is subject to being tested.

All I want is for all of the bad feelings in our family to stop and Brian live at home till he can take care of himself on his own.

Bad dad

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. Please don't call yourself a bad dad. This is far beyond typical teenage rebellion and you shouldn't blame yourself. Sometimes parents can do all the right things and their children will still get into trouble. Since he is over 18 and is not willing to respect you and your wife and follow your rules, he should not be allowed to live with you anymore. You have the right to feel safe in your own home. I wish you well.

The kid is 19. He is not a little boy who is confused and acting out. He is an adult. An adult that has been physically abusive to your wife and continues to be hostile to and about her.

Were you an abusive father, did you beat him? Did you tell him you hate him? Did you blame him for all of the problems you ever had? Or did you do the best you could? Did you love him, care for him, try to guide him the best way you knew to do so. (No kid comes with an instruction manual - and even if one existed - EVERY kid is different so one manual may not work one every kid.)

He obviously has some drug and alcohol problems. But unless you tied him down and forced the drugs or booze on him - those were HIS choices. Like most normal - responsible parents, you probably did not condone or encourage that type of bahavior - so you didn't cause him to make those choices.

Quit blaming yourself and hold HIM accountable for his own behavior. He is no longer a 3 or 5 or 10 year old who lacks the self control or maturity to make good choices.

I would NOT allow him to live in my home if he is a threat to anyone! That does NOT mean you do not love him, it simply means that unless he can control himself and he is not a danger to you or your wife, he can not live there unconditionally. Make him get counseling, make him go to school or get a job. Make him be the adult he IS and be responsible and accountable. Don't coddle him. Love him with firmness and fairness. But most of all, don't allow him to run YOUR home or threaten or harm YOUR wife.

I wish you luck. You are going to need it...