Here is the situation, my wife freaks if she does not have total control over our money. I pay $500 a month in child support from a previous marriage so that leaves me with $1050 that is direct deposited into our joint checking account. I see zero of it, I literally have nothing in my wallet all the time, she won't give me a check book and she won't give me my atm card, she says it would just cause problems and be too confusing. She has three children from previous relationships and she gets $1,000 a month in child support plus she brings home $1,500 from her job. I ask her where my money goes and she tells me that she splits the bills half and half and mine won't even pay for half so therefore I get nothing! I don't understand why I would have to pay for half of our $500 food bill a month, I don't eat $350 dollars of food! Why should I pay for half of our gasoline bill when most of the gas is used for her to drive to work and take the kids to and fro. I love my step kids but why does she think I should pay for there expenses when she already gets $1,000 a month in child support! She does not help me pay my child support why should I be responsible financially for her kids? Does this sound fair?? I love my wife very much but I am feeling like she is using me! Outside insight would be sooooo helpful right now!

Marriage is supposed to be equal, and it will always cause problems when one partner is too controlling. I suggest that you put your foot down and stand up for yourself or it will get worse in the long run.

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Originally Posted by earl237

Marriage is supposed to be equal, and it will always cause problems when one partner is too controlling. I suggest that you put your foot down and stand up for yourself or it will get worse in the long run.

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In your opinion do you think marriage counseling could help?

I think that marriage counselling could be helpful, but it only helps if the person is willing to change their behavior. You should suggest to your wife that you both give counselling a try. I wish you well, good luck.

Yes, first there needs to be a budget if there are too many bills, something needs to be cut out, There should not be any debts that you both don't agree to.

After that all bills should be paid together, one night a week you both set down and go over the bills and budget.

Each person should have some cash for minor items needed.

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Originally Posted by rg61fc

Here is the situation, my wife freaks if she does not have total control over our money. Does this sound fair??? I love my wife very much but I am feeling like she is using me!! Outside insight would be sooooo helpful right now!

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I mean this with all seriousness... going from this post to the one about the children's behavior, what do you have any say so over in your home? When is your input and opinions considered? This is sounding like a marriage of convenience on her part. Not necessarily intentionally, but it is very one sided none the less.

What was her first marriage like? Do you know if she had any say so in decisions that were made? Did she feel very controlled by her ex? Could her actions be in response to what she came away with from that relationship? Or was she controlling there too and perhaps that had something to do with the breakdown of their marriage? Somewhere along the way she has learned to need to be in control, to find security in that.

Counseling is certainly something to consider if you don't feel you can communicate effectively with her and find some common ground.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

I mean this with all seriousness......going from this post to the one about the children's behavior, what do you have any say so over in your home? When is your input and opinions considered? This is sounding like a marriage of convenience on her part. Not necessarily intentionally, but it is very one sided none the less.

What was her first marriage like? Do you know if she had any say so in decisions that were made? Did she feel very controlled by her ex? Could her actions be in response to what she came away with from that relationship? Or was she controlling there too and perhaps that had something to do with the breakdown of their marriage? Somewhere along the way she has learned to need to be in control, to find security in that.

Counseling is certainly something to consider if you don't feel you can communicate effectively with her and find some common ground.

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From what I can gather her last husband ran the show and was very controlling. On another note, back when I was still going every other weekend to see my biological kids, when I would come back she would be super cold and distant from me, when I would ask her what was wrong she would say nothing. Also, when ever I would talk to my kids on the phone she would get mad if I did not mention her and my step kids to them. She would also freak out if I talked to my ex wife about how my kids were doing.

I guess one question would be, how much are you willing to put up with? Obviously we only have your side to how things are, but going just by that, if you don't find a way to work together in how you handle major issues in your marriage... and finances and children are about as big as you can get, you are going to find yourself in the same position indefinitely.

You'll have to decide if that is what you want; whether this is the kind of marriage and family life you signed up for. If you can adjust to how things currently are, great. You may get to a point where you can accept that this is just the way it is and go on from there. If you want change, you are going to have to try and come together on these issues with your wife. If you don't think change can happen, then you may have to make some difficult decisions.

My guess is that in her last marriage he took and probably wasted a good bit of the money so she is afraid that if she lets you have some control you will take it all.
You need to put your foot down and make a budget and tell her that is the way it is going to be. You will pay half mortgage/rent, half utilities, your gas, etc...
Then figure out spend money for each of you and tell her that you want to be able to save some of your money too. Ask her how you are suppose to buy her a gift or surprise her with a night out or possibly a vacation if you can't have and save some money.
I prefer being in charge of the money BUT that should never mean leaving the guy penniless. It sounds like she has issues and you are the one that has to suffer.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, first there needs to be a budget if there are too many bills, something needs to be cut out, There should not be any debts that you both don't agree to.

After that all bills should be paid together, one night a week you both set down and go over the bills and budget.

Each person should have some cash for minor items needed.

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Had to spread the rep here, but you took the words right out of my mouth.

Putting it all out on the table, discussing it, coming up with a budget, and a clear picture of where the money is going will be beneficial to both.

Both have, or should have, an equal say in a family budget where resources are shared.

You have a lot of serious issues in this marriage that, if not addressed soon, will destroy your relationship. Your marriage completely lacks any balance. You don't agree about money, you don't agree about how to raise the kids... what else are you disagreeing about? You need marriage counselling, first of all. You need to learn to be husband and wife instead of 2 people who live in the same house. Parenting classes, as someone suggested, would also be advisable. Her job is not to do everything for them, but to teach them to do it for themselves so they can grow up to be responsible and independent adults. You need to be able to sit down and make rules that you both agree on whether they be for your kids or hers. And I would suggest some sort of financial counselling. Get someone who can help you set up a budget who is unbiased enough to explain to her that the things she needs for her children are to be paid for with the child support that she receives and not with your paycheck. If you're going to be responsible for your own money, you might want to have it deposited into your own account. Then each week you can write her a cheque for your share of the expenses. She needs to understand that you shouldn't have to take a share in the gas to drive her kids around or the cost of the food to feed them because those things are already being provided for by her ex. But if you say that to her, I'm guessing she won't take it too well. Which is why it would be best if she heard it from a counsellor.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

I mean this with all seriousness......going from this post to the one about the children's behavior, what do you have any say so over in your home? When is your input and opinions considered? This is sounding like a marriage of convenience on her part. Not necessarily intentionally, but it is very one sided none the less.

What was her first marriage like? Do you know if she had any say so in decisions that were made? Did she feel very controlled by her ex? Could her actions be in response to what she came away with from that relationship? Or was she controlling there too and perhaps that had something to do with the breakdown of their marriage? Somewhere along the way she has learned to need to be in control, to find security in that.

Counseling is certainly something to consider if you don't feel you can communicate effectively with her and find some common ground.

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You're clearly living in one-sided marriage with your wife controlling every aspect of your life. If you have no affection, no respect, or the freedom to control your own finances, you are in a very deep hole.

I know you've loved this woman and obviously she's loved you in return and you made a lot of promises to each other, but it's belly-up at the moment and nothing less than a firm turn-around to get her to face you and realise you're deserving of much more than you're currently receiving, is going to save you or your marriage.

As someone else has mentioned, your best bet is to have her see a marriage counsellor with you so that she can hear through someone else how badly you are being treated.

Rg,

Have you considered going to the bank, and getting copies of your joint bank account, and taking a look at where the money goes?

A budget is needed, or at least a list of all the bills. When you are married both owe the bills and both should enjoy some of the extra money. I control the money in my marriage when I say control, I keep track and pay bills. Even when my husband was out of work he still had some money to spend. Even if I did not like where it goes, he has to deal with that. So what I am saying is that you should discuss this, I wonder if it is just control, or maybe she is comparing you to her ex. From experience I can tell you something's from a previous marriage can bleed over into the current marriage without even realizing you that it is happening..

Your paycheck + her paycheck = OUR MONEY! Child support is a crazy thing. That money needs to go into the account for whatever is needed for the kids. Do we know that it is always be used for the kids? No... As parents we buy things for are kids and not even thing twice about it. Oh, I need to write myself a check from the CS account and put it back into the joint account. You have a joint account and you both pay the bills and she should get some spending money and you should get some spend money for the week. You can always go to the bank and open up our own ATM card, you don't need her if you have a joint account. It might piss her off, but it is your money also and she would get over it. She just might do it to you if you were the one controls the money:) Good luck

I agree with much of what has been said already. Good advice.

you don't have to do what we do... but here's how we handle money.

we have two accounts. One is called "echecking" and the other, simply "checking"... the echecking account is used only for relatively fixed overhead. Sure the power bill might bounce around month to month, but I know what our monthly ave among is. Same for water, phone, mortgage, etc. into this account we also accrue for other fixed, once per year expenses... life insurance, tax preparation...

so basically all this requires is a list of what you spend on fixed overhead monthly... taken over a year. Then we just average it out month to month and deposit in that account what should be needed.

the other account, checking, is used for flexible spending. This includes everything from food to date money to clothing. Anything that is variable. Yes... we always need food, but we can change our buying patterns as needed... the mortgage, not so much. Even though this account is flexible, we still have a rough budget that we try to follow here as well.

and to keep track of it all, and to have transparency and trust, we use quicken software to keep a running tab on where our expenses are. I can look at last month, last quarter, or the last three years and know how much money was spent on gas, for ex.

yes, it takes work. You have to keep receipts and do updates often, almost daily... but it's a good thing to do. Both people know where the money is, where its going, and what the plans are.

she might be doing a fine job of keeping finances in order, but she isn't respecting your need to be on a level playing field in this relationship. Its fine if she needs to be the accountant... but you should have some idea of where things are, what's happening, and some ownership in this marriage.

keeping money from you might be her defense mechanism, but it puts you in a position of no power, and little respect.

when I married, my wife had a daughter from a previous relationship. No child support payments. I never complained about what money went to me, my wife, or my stepdaughter. Supporting my stepdaughter was part of the deal when I married my wife. But then, I also didn't get shut out of the decision making concerning financial issues... in fact, she turned most of the money over to me for a time because she was tired of handling it as a single mother.

your wife has some real insecurities that are tied to some noise in her past. I think you both need to find some middle ground, in more than one area of this relationship, to keep it afloat.

I abdicated any concern over check books or accounts to my lady 44 years ago.

I have absolutely no interest in that aspect of married life. Bon used to work for estate lawyers and has no trouble managing money (when we had it)

Whatever salary I made was either sent home or direct deposited. Bon would take care of everything else.

All I ever wanted to know was whether we could afford the next tool or toy I just had to have.

General rules we have always followed required a joint agreement on major purchases.

To be real honest, I have a hard time using a decimal baseline math. If you want to talk about Binary, Octal, Hexadecimal or base 32 and base 64, I'm your guy. If it doesn't go from 0 to "F" it's mystery to me. :) I haven't used decimal in more than 30 years.

Let me give you an example. I used to carry a blank check with me in case I needed car repairs when I was on the road doing repair work for IBM.

Well sure enough it happened. I needed about $200 to have the car repaired. No problem, I used the check.

Things I learned from that were, when you use the check, you should tell the keeper of the checkbook that you used it, especially during Christmas Season.

Next it would be wise to let the keeper know how much you spent rather the check number which you thought was what you spent.

I discovered these things during the one way conversation that Bon and I had shortly after checks started to bounce. Boy was that a long and memorable discussion!

I have the same problem. The only difference is that the bills are never paid on time. I bring home 1/3 more income than my wife and both of us together make more than enough to pay our bills but they are never paid on time. She thinks as long as she pays the utilities before the cut off date everything is fine. But sometimes she even misses that. The money is always there because as soon as something gets cut off she calls and pays it with her debit card and gets it cut back on. My car even got repossessed one time while I was at work. I told her that I will take over paying all the bills but she won't turn over her pay check to me the way I do her. Sometimes I don't even look at my pay check. I just hand it to her. Sometimes I just don't want to know how much I am getting screwed out of. If I get a bonus sometimes it takes a week or so for her to tell me I got it and that is usually after she has already spent it and told me it went on bills. We have a large walk in closet and 3/4 of that is full of her clothes while I find it difficult to even mention that I need a hair cut and the money to pay for it. I have mentioned it before and she said, "Well I will have to put off the house payment." Put off the house payment for me to get a $14.00 hair cut? It is ridiculous! We have two children jointly and there are no step kids.
We have been married for 20 years and no previous marriages. I just don't know how to change this without causing a major rift between us. I have tried to address it before but to no avail. I am not willing to cause major problems by solving this issue either. I would rather leave it the way it is with my low credit score rather than cause problems but if there is a simple solution I would entertain getting this matter resolved.

I mean I have everything I need most of the time but I do have to call her and check that the funds are there if I need to use the debit card while I am working and things like that. I have nowhere near the nice things to wear that she does but I consider all of that the sacrifices that I make for my family. Am I wrong in feeling that I am getting taken for a ride just because I never can just independently make a decision on spending $10.00 bucks. Just because I can never walk in a convenience store to pay for gas with my fuel allowance and decide to buy a pack of gum on my own. Helpful advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

TWalters77, to get advice that is appropriate for your problem, please start your own thread giving your information and asking your question.

The Ask About Marriage button at the top of the page will place your question on the main Marriage board instead of replying to a previous poster. That way we can give you advice that is tailored to your needs.

I am in the same situation. No access to money, no knowledge of her spending. I am able to see online the balance of our portfolio but that's it.

The absolutely essential element is that she is can be trusted. I Love her, she loves me, and we are deeply committed to stay together.

If she needs to have total control to feel secure, well OK. If I have to ask her to buy stuff for me, well then OK too.

I made a conscious decision just get used to living under her control and now for me it actually makes me love her more.