Ask Me Help Desk - Frugal Boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both divorced and have one child each. He is very generous with his time and is extremely affectionate. He and my son adore each other. He is funny and we have a great time together. But here is the issue, he is frugal. It has been at least 3 months since he has taken me out on a date and picked up the bill. When we do go out he is very graceful at avoiding the bill. Not wanting it to be awkward I pick up the tab. I make more money than he does, but he has susbstantial equity in his house and pays off his credit card bills every month. He does spend most evening with me so he ends up eating breakfast and sometimes dinner with us, but he rarely buys groceries or offers any money to offset the cost. On weekends, his daughter will visit and I find myself cooking for her also. I try to be a good sport about the whole situation and try to find humor in it. I tease him about being cheap and he fully admits to be tight fisted with the $$$. He has started talking about selling his house and moving in with me. He says he would use the equity to make home improvements on my house, an engagement ring and a wedding. He is so wonderful in so many ways that I try to tell myself it should not matter. But I find myself sad because I want to be spoiled by having my boyfriend take me out for dinner and buy me little gifts every once in awhile. I know this must sound shallow but it really bothers me. I just don't know how to make peace with this aspect of his personality because I love everything else about him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBranden

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We are both divorced and have one child each. He is very generous with his time and is extremely affectionate. He and my son adore each other. He is funny and we have a great time together. But here is the issue, he is frugal. It has been at least 3 months since he has taken me out on a date and picked up the bill. When we do go out he is very graceful at avoiding the bill. Not wanting it to be awkward I pick up the tab. I make more money than he does, but he has susbstantial equity in his house and pays off his credit card bills every month. He does spend most evening with me so he ends up eating breakfast and sometimes dinner with us, but he rarely buys groceries or offers any money to offset the cost. On weekends, his daughter will visit and I find myself cooking for her also. I try to be a good sport about the whole situation and try to find humor in it. I tease him about being cheap and he fully admits to be tight fisted with the $$$. He has started talking about selling his house and moving in with me. He says he would use the equity to make home improvements on my house, an engagement ring and a wedding. He is so wonderful in so many ways that I try to tell myself it should not matter. But I find myself sad because I want to be spoiled by having my boyfriend take me out for dinner and buy me little gifts every once in awhile. I know this must sound shallow but it really bothers me. I just don't know how to make peace with this aspect of his personality because I love everything else about him.

He does sound wonderful and I bet a lot of women would trade your boyfriend's attentive, affectionate and caring nature for presents anyday. Still, he does have a tight fist with money and if that bothers you now, it's going to be a problem throughout your marriage.

Ask him if you can put the jokes aside for a while to talk about your money situation. He might appreciate talking about any anxieties he's had to do with money and if you can reassure him, he may be able to make a slight shift in attitude to accommodate more of your needs. I would suggest you need some idea of the minimum contribution you would expect from him before you start talking. You might even consider working on a prenup together... it's up to you.

Pros and Cons: Premarital Agreements ("Prenuptials") - Divorce & Family Law Center

The positive thing is that he isn't going to be the sort of person who will run up a ridiculous credit card debt or have you ever worrying too much about where the money is going.

Thank you. He really is a warm and caring man who I know deep down in my heart will be forever faithful and that he truly loves me for me. He is the type of guy that friends call when they need a favor or helps the little old lady fill her semi-flat tire with air at the gas station. I know he is a good guy, and I am going to work towards being more open about the money situation. I guess I probably should explore whether he is bothered by the fact that I make more money. I also have my own money issues to deal with because when I divorced I had to buy my ex out of the house, savings, and 401K. So I am finacially hypersensitive to this negative financial event in my life. Basically it really stunk! Now I watch every dime I spend because I would like to have a financial recovery within 4-5 years.
By the way, last night out of the blue he brought me flowers. It was a little surreal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBranden

Thank you. He really is a warm and caring man who I know deep down in my heart will be forever faithful and that he truly loves me for me. He is the type of guy that friends call when they need a favor or helps the little old lady fill her semi-flat tire with air at the gas station. I know he is a good guy, and I am going to work towards being more open about the money situation. I guess I probably should explore whether or not he is bothered by the fact that I make more money. I also have my own money issues to deal with because when I divorced I had to buy my ex out of the house, savings, and 401K. So I am finacially hypersensitive to this negative financial event in my life. Basically it really stunk! Now I watch every dime I spend because I would like to have a financial recovery within 4-5 years.
By the way, last night out of the blue he brought me flowers. It was a little surreal.

What a sweetheart he is having given you flowers out of the blue like that... I like him too, and I haven't even met him. He sounds like a wonderfully warm and caring man.

You sound on track on the money side now, knowing you need to be more open about your sensitivities. Having been through something similar, I'm happy my partner felt the same way and that it was his idea for us to enter into a prenup agreement. It actually makes our relationship more relaxed and secure, as once it's settled, we can then give freely to each other.

Men can be touchy about money, but as long as your partner feels financially secure in his own right, which he seems to be, does it really make any difference to him if you earn more? Making a long term commitment can mean that circumstances could always change, and he might be in your position one day, so it can always even out. It's part of the marriage vows to take that on. The main challenge I can see when one person in the relationship earns significiantly more, is the need for finances to be handled as evenly as possible, especially with children.

Coincidentally, I had a loan approved yesterday that apart from maintaining the mortgage, will make me completely debt free, able to finish a few renovations on the house and buy a spiffy new car. I'm looking at a new Honda Jazz at the moment, that's fun to drive. With support from my mother and my partner, it's taken just on three years after separation to reach this point. I'm glad my kids and I made it this far, so know just how you feel.

Why not agree to go Dutch on all dates/activities until you both commit to marriage?

Maybe it is because it is 12:30 am here or maybe it is because I am a gentleman when it comes to dating, but here goes: this guy sounds selfish to me. As a man, I can't imagine never paying a tab or freeloading at my girlfriend's house. I am sure I missunderstood some of the points in the original post, but give me a break. This guy has serious issues when it comes to money. If he is not willing to spend it now while he is a "single" man, he is not going to change.

He sounds like a wonderful man, but before you consider marriage, or even his moving in with you, definitely have several discussions on the money issues that you both have. You may even want to consider seeing a financial counselor before any major financial decisions are made if you need help sorting things out.

You will want to be sure you both are very comfortable with how money will be dealt with when you are together... how bills are paid, what will go into savings, how those savings will be held, how money will be invested, how the children's needs will be met, emergency savings, personal disposable cash, etc..

Working through potential money issues prior to moving into a more permanent relationship will hopefully save you from having to deal with potential conflict, disappointment, or resentment later on.

Definitely acknowledge the flowers and his thoughfulness. Let him know those little things mean a lot to you. Enjoy!