My 15-year-old daughter is obviously at that stage where everything her dad and I want fir her in life is wrong, even though we've tried to allow her as much freedom as it is safe for her to have. Rather than fight over her hair or clothing, we give her gift certificates at her favorite stores where she can pick out her own style of clothes and only speak to her about her choices if what she has on isn't acceptable at school. We allow her to listen to her own style of music, as we have all styles of music in our own collection and don't want to be hypocrites by saying "you can't listen to that".

In fact, the one major rule we have is that we want to know where she's going, who she's with, and what time to expect her home. If the friend she's with has a cell phone or they'll be at the friend's home, we also ask for a phone number in case we have to reach her in an emergency. This one rule, however, made her run away from home earlier this summer stating we're "too strict".

Any suggestions on how to get her to understand that we have this rule for her own protection and are trying not to run every aspect of her life?

Thanks for any suggestions you all can make for me.

Hello Tiggerella,

From what you have said in your post I believe you are being very sensible and caring parents. Allowing your daughter to grow up with a mind of her own and not trying to force your will onto her.

True, at 15 she will be somewhat of a rebel, nearly all 15 year olds are. I am sure she will grow out of this.

Regarding your insistence on knowing where your daughter is and who she is with.

My feeling is that you are right to be concerned. Sadly there are so many pitfalls and dangers for young people out there nowadays and they must be made aware of this and warned to be always on their guard.

Perhaps you could consider bringing her attention to some cases of what has happened and is happening to young people and let her know that although you love and trust her, it does not stop you worrying when she is out on her own.

She may think that because she is 15 she is old enough to take care of herself. She is up to a point but out in the world on her own she is still quite naïve and learning. It was not too long ago that she was going out everywhere with her parents.

You could also point out that you are not preventing her from going where she wants and seeing her friends. A lot of parents still prevent their 15 year old daughters from having any kind of social private live on their own.

Be diplomatic and explain why you worry about your daughter and her safety and I feel sure she will understand.

Good luck

Poseidon

I'm a bit bothered by the subject you chose. You may not have meant it, or it could have been a freudian slip, but it tends to show an attitude that something is broken and that's not the way to approach a situation like this, at least In my opinion.

Does she have a cell phone? If so, then you have your emergency point of contact. If not, then get her one. If you are really concerned with tracking her movements, Disney has a phone plan that includes a GPS locater. It also has a large degree of parental control over how the phone is used.

From what you have told us of the situation, it would seem that you have given her a significant degree of freedom (more that I gave my daughter at 15). Which leads me to wonder if having to provide a point of contact wherever she is or whoever she's with is the real and sole point of contention. I just think its not enough to cause such a drastic reaction as running away.

Which leads me to believe something else is going on here that we don't know about. You may not even know it. But that means you need to find out. You need to sit down and talk with her to see if you can find out the REAL reasons for such behavior. Maybe enlist a third party (clergy, shool counselor, professional therapist) to help you deal with this issue.

It is good to allow your daughter to be her own person, but she needs to understand you set the boundaries. I assume you still pay for her clothes, food, roof over her head etc. When she ran away from home, where did she go and for how long? It sounds as though when she ran away, she was going to get her way by manipulating you and showing you she is actually in charge of her life and she was setting the rules. Children need to learn respect for their parents as well as others. She is totally disrespecting you by not following your rules and trying to manipule you. I would get her a phone, but I would also give her rules, chores, and responsibilities. I sat rules for my children, they knew if they did not abide by them, they had consequences. That is life. Our job as a parent is to raise our children and prepare them for life.

I enjoyed my children very much, don't think I was too strict. They had freedom, but they lived between a boundary of rules.

Teens will always test you. No matter how much freedom and independence they think they have, they want more. However, you and your husband need to remain a united front. Talk and make decision together and enforce them whether she likes them or not. As much as they think they want the freedom to do whatever their friends are doing, they want structure and rules more, it gives them a sense of security and caring for their safety.

I agree with Scott. I don't think that the running away was just based on that one rule you enforced. You weren't unreasonable in enforcing that and bottom line is, you are the parent, what you say goes, she doesn't have to like your rules, she just has to accept them and abide by them. If you've spoken to her about her actions and the danger she imposes on herself by doing so, than she knows how you feel, but she needs to also know consequences. She needs to know that you're serious. Tell her that the next time she pulls a stunt like that, the police will be taking her to a juvenile facility, and don't just make that an empty statement, follow through. I know it is the absolute last thing we want to think about, but I am afraid that if you don't get serious now, she will really get out of control and worse consequences may follow. How is she doing in school? Her grades, effort, behavior? Does she have siblings and if so, how is that relationship?

K3 had a good point that you need to keep in mind. Children will manipulate you whenever possible to get what they want. It's our job to stop that from happening. Whether they are 2 and throwing themselves on the floor in a tantrum at the grocery store or 15, 16, or 17 threatening running away or anything else, hold your ground, be the parent and be willing to let them be mad at you. When my teen began a similar rebelious behavior, I stripped her of everything. She came home from school to find all of her belongings gone. The only thing left were 2 outfits, 1 pair of shoes, undies, her mattresses, a blanket and pillow. Everything else was locked in the garage, including the door to her room, which when she questioned that, I kindly reminded her that it was actually my room, in my home, I was just allowing her to use it but since she liked slamming the heck out of it, she didn't need to have that either. I did this for 30 days and let me tell you, that got her attention.

You have given your daughter quite a bit of freedom, and frankly, I think she has taken all you've given for granted. Maybe she's after something you can't buy. How much time and attention are you giving her?

momincali, have to spread it around. Great points. When you make children responsible for their actions, good things happen. My kids had to clean house Thur and Fri after school if we (we would ski. Camp, hike, boat whatever even with boyfriends) wanted to play for the weekend. They did, but hated doing the bathroom. I would not give in. I got home from work early one day to find the neighbor girl cleaning the bathroom. They all pitched in and paid her to do them. They thought I would be upset. Heavens no, it was their money and they learned what life was about.
Its all about tuff love and standing your ground together. Discuss it with her. I used to have my kids write down a list of consequences they felt they deserved, I told them I would make a list and we would go over them. Often their's were harsher.

All I can tell you is with our daughter 16 was better than 15... and 20 is so much better than 16.

In the meantime you just have to stand your ground. Turns out, even with all the planning and getting of numbers and all that we did to make sure our daughter was safe or where we knew she was... well, she still snuck around. As I did when I was a kid. So you cannot stop it all, but you can make it hard. And that's your job. Its like cleaning the toilet... not pretty or fun, but its got to be done.

It is not unreasonable to know where she is or to have access to the numbers. I know others who are much more lax. OK. Their choice.

You lay down the expectations and she's going to fight them. If it gets really ugly all you can do is be strong. It does get better... just seems like eternity sometimes before things change.

Four years ago we were told on christmas that she didn't want to spend any time with us and that her mother was a terrible parent. Happy holidays!

Now that she's at college she misses home and, while still reverting to her teen ways from time to time, we rarely see the "icy-stare-of-death" look anymore. Yippie!

My thanks to all of you who have answered - and especially for all the support and comments that hubby and I are on the right track by insisting that the rules of the house be followed! (Also, special thanks for the "extra steps" hints that we may well put into use if therapy doesn't change our daughter's tune... ;) )

In answer to the many comments about chores: Yes, she has some that she needs to do. Namely, she has to clean her cat's litter pan, do the dishes that need to go into the dishwasher (I do pots and pans because I like them clean... lol), clean the downstairs bathroom (which is 90% her stuff anyway) and do her own laundry each week as well as keeping her bedroom clean. Other chores (usually the nastiest I can come up with) are assigned if she's being punished for something.

As to the questions about school: She's doing quite well in most subjects, but has to do Freshman English over for her Sophomore year because she goofed off too much last year (flunking by 3 points - and the kicker is that she got a low A in Latin at the same time... :confused: )

There IS an older sibling who is entering his Sophomore year in college. He also went through a "rough patch" at about the same age and is trying to help her out by talking to her about some of the stupid things he did (and survived), but according to her My Space.com entries, she sees his helpful talks as abusive. (We're seeking a therapist who can help her see the difference between actual abuse and verbal repremands... :) )

And finally, we DO try to spend quality time with our kids every chance we get. We go to a friend's camp just up the road for swims, kayaking and canoeing whenever we can talk her into going, which she seems to like, but has been rude about from time to time over this past summer. We have a pop-up camper that we're about to take on a week long camping tour of our great state beginning in a town that has a wonderful shop she and I have been itching to see. (We're both Wiccan and like Renaissance clothing, which is just what this shop is all about - and rumor has it we can spend 3-4 hours there and still not see all they have!) We go hiking while out camping and she has always loved the views when we get to the tops of the mountains - even if she is sometimes cranky about having to get up before noon in order to get the hike in and get back to camp before dark.

In other words, we've tried to do all those things we always wanted to do with our parents, but weren't able to do, and even though her friends all tell her how "cool" her parents are, she still sees us as Mr and Mrs Godzilla... *sigh*

But as I said before, thanks again for all the comments and suggestions. It's nice to know that we're not going crazy, this is all just normal stuff (although a bit more intense with the girl-child than it was with the boy-child), and that, as with our son, everything should even out when she actually knows all that she thinks she knows right now... :D

Keep leaving me comments and I'll keep taking your suggestions!

Blessed be!

Yeah...

Our daughter almost failed physical ed one semester (this from the girl who was in dance, gymnastics, swimming... ) because she screwed around and treated it as social hour... while at the same time was getting an A in pre-calculus and chemistry. Maddening.