How do I keep my man when I have so many insecurities?
Hi, I'm a 38 year old female and currently in a fairly new relationship (6months). Previous to this I had been single for 4 years (my own choice), but when I met this guy he seemed so different to anyone else I had ever met and so I decided to give him a chance and start dating again. He is wonderful, he is slightly younger than me, very positive, great outlook on life, so much fun to be around, wants the same things as me, i.e. commitment, children etc and he constantly shows me that he loves me.
However in recent weeks, I seem to have fallen into an old pattern of mine where as soon as a man gets close to me I get more and more insecure. When we first met, I was confident, happy go lucky and had other interests apart from him. He always was the one that wanted to spend more time with me, and was always calling and paying me compliments etc.
I feel that since he has been talking more about future plans recently and all the things that I really do want, this has made me panic. I suddenly feel that he his building all my hopes and dreams up, but I'm scared to embrace them in case any day he may just leave me, and I'm scared I will not be able to take the fall. I know this comes from past relationships of mine, where men have left me... and I just fear that history will repeat itself.
So now, what has been happening is that I have become even more clingy. Any evening he wants a night on his own, I get miserable and question him. Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? If we are getting closer and he is wanting to make future plans, why then, does he want time on his own? Why does he not compliment me as much? Is he just taking me for granted?
I realise that the honeymoon period can not last forever and that this guy really does love me, but with all my moods recently and constant pressure I have given him, he has started to withdraw from me. This has made me even worse, as I am questioning him about this too, why are you withdrawing, why do you need space?
I finally realised the other day why I was doing this. Its because I'm scared. The one thing I want in my life is him, and I want all the happiness he brings into my life, yet I am turning this into an unhappy situation by being so insecure. I have talked to him about this and told him I know why I am doing this and its not because I do not trust or believe that he loves me, its just I don't have belief in myself. He has told me he is so emotionally drained from it all and he doesn't want to keep having the same conversations with me over and over again. We don't have any fun anymore, we just seem to bicker and get on each others nerves. He said he wants a partner that he can communicate with and not feel he has to constantly re-assure and prop up all the time.. (I don't blame him! ).
He says the whole thing is making him so unhappy and is affecting all aspects of his life, he has lost motivation to do anything and all he thinks about is our current situation. He says he is happier on his own at the moment, than when we are together and this upsets him greatly.
After talking to him the other day about all this, he was in tears and I left him with a big hug saying I know the best thing I can do for both of us now is for me to give him space and time and for me to address my issues. I am planning a counselling session next week to really get to the heart of why I do what I do and how to overcome this. (although I have not told him I am doing this).
I am so scared of losing him, and now its been three days and although I have tried to call him twice (I know I said I wouldn't), he hasn't responded to any of my calls. How do I know that he will want to stick around. How do I convince him that this relationship can work?
I am terrified he will have time to think and make a decision that its all too hard and then just call me to tell me its over. I realise been in a relationship with an insecure person can be very unhappy for the other person. He deserves to be treated well, as he treats me... and I'm willing to do this more often, but I fear I have left it too late now. I am a good looking girl who is confident in all other areas of my life, I am proud of my achievements and was so strong during the four years I was single, how have I got to the point now that I just collapse when I get into a relationship?
He is very close to his mother, who is a very strong and independent woman. She has had to overcome some huge problems in her life and I know that my partner really admires and looks up to her. I am convinced that these qualities are what he seeks in his partner too, and I am also insecure that he thinks I'm pathetic when I break down and cry and I'm unable to cope with certain situations.
How do I turn this around? What do I do next? Do I call him? Leave him alone? What do I say when we do next talk to each other? Im so confused and so lonely at the moment. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks. :confused: