Hi, I'm a 38 year old female and currently in a fairly new relationship (6months). Previous to this I had been single for 4 years (my own choice), but when I met this guy he seemed so different to anyone else I had ever met and so I decided to give him a chance and start dating again. He is wonderful, he is slightly younger than me, very positive, great outlook on life, so much fun to be around, wants the same things as me, i.e. commitment, children etc and he constantly shows me that he loves me.

However in recent weeks, I seem to have fallen into an old pattern of mine where as soon as a man gets close to me I get more and more insecure. When we first met, I was confident, happy go lucky and had other interests apart from him. He always was the one that wanted to spend more time with me, and was always calling and paying me compliments etc.

I feel that since he has been talking more about future plans recently and all the things that I really do want, this has made me panic. I suddenly feel that he his building all my hopes and dreams up, but I'm scared to embrace them in case any day he may just leave me, and I'm scared I will not be able to take the fall. I know this comes from past relationships of mine, where men have left me... and I just fear that history will repeat itself.

So now, what has been happening is that I have become even more clingy. Any evening he wants a night on his own, I get miserable and question him. Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? If we are getting closer and he is wanting to make future plans, why then, does he want time on his own? Why does he not compliment me as much? Is he just taking me for granted?

I realise that the honeymoon period can not last forever and that this guy really does love me, but with all my moods recently and constant pressure I have given him, he has started to withdraw from me. This has made me even worse, as I am questioning him about this too, why are you withdrawing, why do you need space?

I finally realised the other day why I was doing this. Its because I'm scared. The one thing I want in my life is him, and I want all the happiness he brings into my life, yet I am turning this into an unhappy situation by being so insecure. I have talked to him about this and told him I know why I am doing this and its not because I do not trust or believe that he loves me, its just I don't have belief in myself. He has told me he is so emotionally drained from it all and he doesn't want to keep having the same conversations with me over and over again. We don't have any fun anymore, we just seem to bicker and get on each others nerves. He said he wants a partner that he can communicate with and not feel he has to constantly re-assure and prop up all the time.. (I don't blame him! ).

He says the whole thing is making him so unhappy and is affecting all aspects of his life, he has lost motivation to do anything and all he thinks about is our current situation. He says he is happier on his own at the moment, than when we are together and this upsets him greatly.

After talking to him the other day about all this, he was in tears and I left him with a big hug saying I know the best thing I can do for both of us now is for me to give him space and time and for me to address my issues. I am planning a counselling session next week to really get to the heart of why I do what I do and how to overcome this. (although I have not told him I am doing this).

I am so scared of losing him, and now its been three days and although I have tried to call him twice (I know I said I wouldn't), he hasn't responded to any of my calls. How do I know that he will want to stick around. How do I convince him that this relationship can work?

I am terrified he will have time to think and make a decision that its all too hard and then just call me to tell me its over. I realise been in a relationship with an insecure person can be very unhappy for the other person. He deserves to be treated well, as he treats me... and I'm willing to do this more often, but I fear I have left it too late now. I am a good looking girl who is confident in all other areas of my life, I am proud of my achievements and was so strong during the four years I was single, how have I got to the point now that I just collapse when I get into a relationship?

He is very close to his mother, who is a very strong and independent woman. She has had to overcome some huge problems in her life and I know that my partner really admires and looks up to her. I am convinced that these qualities are what he seeks in his partner too, and I am also insecure that he thinks I'm pathetic when I break down and cry and I'm unable to cope with certain situations.

How do I turn this around? What do I do next? Do I call him? Leave him alone? What do I say when we do next talk to each other? Im so confused and so lonely at the moment. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks. :confused:

Hi. Sometimes if things are meant to be they will happen,but I think we make them happen. I am married for 5 years and I'm not happy. I am insecure and confused and all the love I had is gone. There's no more fun and happiness when we are with each other and feel a little guilty for that because I pushed him away from me. I didn't enjoy those little moments because I was afraid he might go away but what really went away is what we felt for each other. I thing you should enjoy the moment, we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Is better to have tried that to think in the future "what it would have been like". Talk to him, if he really loves you he'll be back. Sometimes is healthy to have a night on your own,it keep you from losing it from every day stress. Good luck:)

Thanks for the feedback... im sorry to hear you are not happy in your marriage. I know it takes two in these situations... and I think if both people want it to work then it will and the support will be there. You are so right, that you need to live in the 'now' and enjoy the moment... I am guilty of not doing that and just looking to the past and the future too much. Are you able to talk to your partner? Does he understand your reasons for insecurity? I know communication is the key here, but both parties have to be willing to talk openly and honestly. I wish you luck too in re-kindling the love you once had. Its hard, and I wish I could give you more advice, but hey... im probably not the right person for that at the moment. But thank you for yours... :)

Have you considered counseling to address your "fear of abandonment" issues.

Without addressing the cause you will have a hard time not pushing people out of your life because of the issues that you have with trusting people.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Have you considered counseling to address your "fear of abandonment" issues.

Without addressing the cause you will have a hard time not pushing people out of your life because of the issues that you have with trusting people.

---

No I haven't actually had counseling regarding this specific issue, but I am open to anything at the moment as I can not keep going through life with this hanging over my head and missing out on true happiness. I will take this on board and talk to the counsellor I am seeing next week about it. :)

I think that would be a wonderful first step.

Good luck to you and God bless.

Forget him for now, and work on you and your issues.

If you don't resolve them, they will come back, and ruin any relationship you may have.

I was jealous and insecure before as well, and what everyone here is saying is exactly right. If you don't work on your issues, they will only resurface. You can try to solve them yourself but it won't work, go see a counselor as it's the best thing for you. Read books on the issue and also read as much advice on the issue where ever you can.

I am really in the same situation but kind of different. My boyfriend now of 1 year and 4 months are always fighting because of my , and my sensitivity. I love him so much and lately we haven't been on he same page. We are always fighting about nonsense and I think its because of me. So I have learned that you have to trust your man and be his partner whom he can communicate with instead of driving him away. You have to be there for him as well as he is there for you. Try not to drive him away if you really love him because he will find someone whom he can relate to!! Try to be his other half and you will make it through!

I feel exactly the same as you & it's a nightmare! I am 24 and have two children from a previous relationship (which was volatile to say the least) nearly two years ago I met the most amazing,romantic,loving family man ever! My problem is the same as yours though I am so deep rooted with insecurities that it comes to surface ( although I try my hardest for it not too.) we don't really argue but when I'm feeling insecure I act out strangely and he notices this,tries to comfort me but I continue to push him away :(.. I also worry hell go for someone who is more confident etc than me, that he can and will do better. I have read your thread and I also now am thinking about seeing the doctor about counciling because I don't want to loose this man , who believe me is just the best ever! He also is very close to his mum who has overcome problems (relationship breakdown,single parent,ect) she is a strong lady with a fantastic outlook on life, and I also feel this is what he looks up to/ wants. And I don't blame him for this. I would be great full if you could tell me how your counselling / the way you re feeling if it's helping etc... Kirsty