I have been seeing this girl for almost 5 months. I am getting to a point now that I have seen myself get to in almost all of my past relationships. I don't know if this is just the "spark" dying off that makes me like this or what. Basically I notice that the first couple of months are awesome... we both have that fire, the infatuation, etc... you know, how every relationship starts. Then, of course, after a few months, that dies down a little, which is normal I guess. My problem is that once I notice that this is happening, I start to actually get depressed. I notice myself not being able to have a normal phone conversation with her (meaning I'm quiet a lot of the time), and I start to worry that the relationship is going to end soon. Well, it does end soon, and I'm guessing because I turn in to a different person. But, around my friends and family, I'm fine. Just around her, all I do is worry about EVERYTHING I say and do around her, and in turn, I get depressed it seems. I also get quiet when I'm around her. I am 30 years old and have dated quite a bit. I'm so worried that this is how it always is going to be. Right now, I'm contemplating calling her and asking if she is getting annoyed with me or anything... but I know I shouldn't do that..

Does anyone have any suggestions, other than seeing a theropist about this? I am really in to this girl.. and I know if it ever ends, there are other fish in the sea, etc. But, I am worried that I am always going to feel this way a couple of months in to every relationship I get in to. Thanks in advance for any advice. :(

Sounds like a defence mechanism to me... You sound as if your sabotaging your relationships before you have a chance to see what happens beyond this point. The trick for me was just to realise that I was doing that and it snapped me out of it. Tell this girl what's going on and see how she feels. Honesty is the best policy too... I think there's a bit of a fear of lifetime commitment too... not a lot, but maybe just a little... You got to learn to quit convincing yourself it's going to end and learn to let it go with the flow. You know there's other fish in the sea, but does that mean you have to go fishing every six months? Hope this helps some...

Don't call her just yet, please.

It is very very good that you see the pattern -- that is half the battle, HALF! You are not nuts and you are not alone. However you may be addicted to love. It can be characterized by an inability to transition from the falling-in-love part to the deeper more meaningful part. It may be that you are seriously depressed all the time (for who knows what reason or maybe its organic even) and the giddy, happy initial love serves to mask that for you and from you both. It may be that some part of you understands that in order to get more of this wonderful first love, you must sabotage its natural progress and begin again in order to continue masking the depression from yourself and others. This would be a powerful loop you may be caught up in. That you are seeing the pattern is the beginning of you seeing what is really going on. But it may take a professional to get at the engine of it all-- sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear but it worked for me so I can only recommend that which worked. Its just not possible to be certain what it is on a question and answer forum and you deserve better than that too.

Go and get to it or repeat it-- I don't really know of any other choice? My advice is if she really means that much to you and if you are going to seek help, come clean with her about this and assure her you are going to get help. If she really loves you, she'll not only understand but be relieved you are heading the latest round of it off at the pass.

If you need help finding a therapist just ask and there are quite a few here who have ideas about that, including me. Thanks for posting.

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Originally Posted by Myth

Sounds like a defence mechanism to me... You sound as if your sabotaging your relationships before you have a chance to see what happens beyond this point. The trick for me was just to realise that I was doing that and it snapped me out of it. Tell this girl whats going on and see how she feels. Honesty is the best policy too... I think there's a bit of a fear of lifetime commitment too... not a lot, but maybe just a little... You got to learn to quit convincing yourself it's going to end and learn to let it go with the flow. You know there's other fish in the sea, but does that mean you have to go fishing every six months? Hope this helps some...

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That's the thing, I don't want to go fishing every six months. I want to keep this one. I have tried over and over to tell myself to stop feeling this way. I mean, the only thing that has changed between us (the girl I'm with now) is that she doesn't miss me every minute of the day anymore. Everything else is awesome! I just can't get myself to snap out of it. I want to talk to her about it, but then that fear comes of "screwing things up". I sound really pathetic, don't I?. lol

You know we have more brains than you give us credit for... lol... More than likely she has already noticed the change in attitude towards her. Just go talk to her about it. If she is meant to be with you then she's going to stand by you... grow some cahones (S) and just talk to her... If you want to have a good relationship then why start by hiding things?

Good, I am glad you understand. It will get better the moment you start "ratting yourself out"... first to the girlfriend, then to the therapist. It disenfranchises some of its power when you rat it out.

It is not right that you should continue to suffer and its not weak to seek this sort of help, in fact I tend to think its for the courageous, frankly and I am NOT just saying that, dude LOL.

I love it when my man tells me what his weaknesses are... Makes me feel like he needs me even more...

I have been on her side before... and I was SO happy when he was honest with me... it relieved some of the unknown. We know what to do with something when we know what it is... but if she doesn't know, then she can't help you, and if you want a long term relationship, being a team is so important... not sabotaging this one will be a change for you and it will be a great learning experience no matter what the outcome! Go for it... you can't loose!

I actually went through a similar thing. The first months were great because there were fireworks and all that jazz, then after that things started to slow down. Well every time this phase ended I started thinking, "Oh no! She's going to dump me because things aren't the same!" This in turn made me panic a lot, which caused me to try and see her as often as possible. I figured if I was around often, complimented her a lot, etc. she wouldn't let me go. But not surprisingly she did let me go.

After a lot of retrospection I realized that I just ended up suffocating her and not giving her the space normal people need. By thinking that I was going to lose her, that made me hold on tighter, which in effect pushed her away. Now I realize that I was a moron, but when you don't have people around to tell you these things the only way you learn such things is the hard way.

Luckily I was able to notice this problem, which as Val said is half the problem. To fix this... well... I just adapted. I learned that relationships have stages that they go through, all the way from the fireworks to the deeper meaning stuff. At this point I decided to just go with the flow and what happens just happens. I do my best not to stress out because stress is a horrible feeling, and who wants to deal with that? You just need to learn to let go and not worry. Move with the wind, not against it.

I still have my problems (I'm currently dating but still hoping to get back with the ex-girlfriend), yet the thing is that I don't worry about what happens. Once you realize that there are things in life you can't control, such as someone's feelings, you feel better and you are able to go about your day stress free. Try looking at things this way, maybe it will help.

I see a few things here that may or may no be what you are going through but I see it as:

1. Dating, quality not quantity. Choose your dates carefully. Maybe putting too much in the relationship to early.

2. after a few months you get comfortable in the relationship and that makes you uncomfortable. Try to relax at this time and focus on things that you both have in common. Mix it up. Nothing wrong with not talking enough. I believe the less talking indicates the relationship is becoming more comfortable and you should not make a big deal of this.

3. after a few months or more I believe you may be thinking and worrying too much. I think its because of all the dating you do goes the same so when you get through a few or more months your brain triggers, 'hey here I am again'. I would suggest once this happens you need to change up the relationship from just having a great time to more of hey what would you like to do/try different.

In closing, first you may be enjoying the first few months because you like the challenge but once the challenge is gone so are you. Second, maybe you just need to mix up the relationship. I think you get in a rut. You may possibly just be doing the same stuff over and over. Boring!

Good luck

Thanks everyone for your responses! I abolutely love this site, as many people on here have helped me in the past as well with different things.

That same night I wrote this original post, me and her talked about it. I did bring up the theropist thing, and she didn't like that idea. She doesn't think there is anything 'wrong' with me. This is what she told me. She said that worrying about relationships ending is not a bad thing. I kind of see her point, meaning yes, it's something that goes through everyone's head at one point, but I also know that it's not good to the extent of letting it ruin the relationship, which I told her that I don't want that to happen between us. She worries about things too... that I'm going to go find someone else to be with, or cheat on her, just because she has had this happen to her so much in the past... but she isn't going to let that ruin 'us'. We continued to talk, and things just got better as the talk went on.

Basically, talking to her WAS in fact the best thing to do, and I want to thank everyone for suggesting that. After talking to her, for some reason, that feeling I had on Friday night is now gone. I feel the same way I did before... a good feeling about the 2 of us. So, again, thank you everyone for your help. I have a great feeling about this now. :)

Not a prob... just stick around and pass on your good advice so that others can benefit from it like you did with ours... We're here to help.

Talking, telling the truth about what's going on with us can be soooooo empowering... and being listened to, even better! I am glad to see the two of you developing probably the numero uno relationship skill with each other. Good to hear from you - thanks.

Sounds like your relationship will be stronger because of this... good for you!

It sounds to me like you're harboring unrealistic expectations concerning relationships and dating. Of course the excitement of getting to know each other wears off as you become familiar with one another. However that doesn't indicate that there's no merit to the relationship. A tue relationship continues to develop over the entire course, whether you've known each other for 5 months or 50 years. There are always ups and downs just as with anything else in life. You will grown and change both as individuals and together as a couple. It's crucial that you be prepared for this if you want to have any hope of having a successful relationship with anyone. Now I'm not suggesting that you settle for someone if you truly don't feel that they're Miss Right. I think you need to assess whether this depression you experience after 2-3 months is because of red flags that suggest that the relationship is in fact flawed or simply because the initial thrill of meeting someone new has died down. If it's the former then you need not worry as it's normal and good that you have enough insight to know when it's not right. If it's the latter then that's where you need to adjust your expectations and view things in a more realistic light.