Useful suggestions needed !
This is quite long, so bear with me :--
I've been studying in my university for about 3 years now and am due to graduate in a couple of months. During the 1st year, it was a new getting-used to environment, and I had somewhat of a late start when it comes to socializing bcoz I was from out of town and with a few familial obligations that I had to fulfill before actually being a "part" of college. Anyway, as it is I did so sooner or later and god willing,within a year I had a good group of friends. You know the usual, we had some great times hanging around together and what not
Even though, I have been in quite a few relationships so far; about a year and a little less than half ago I somewhat fell for my best friend [who was a girl,just so you know ] . And it wasn't anything like what I had felt while being in other relationships, which now I now I know was surely love. And at that moment,however, it took a while figuring out that this fantastic feeling was indeed love; and we didn't realize that initially,thinking that we already knew what love actually was. And so we decided to not tell anyone about it,while we had our thing, until we did figure it out. But the relationship just grew intense day-by-day. And it seemed obvious to everyone around us too (and I guess her too), but I just didn't formally ask her out, firstly, bcoz I didn't feel the need to,and secondly bcoz she was all that was important to me; which I now realize was a very precarious position to be in. But honestly, she was all that was on my mind for morning to eve; and even though things with our group of friends (which were the same incidentally as she had been my best friend all along).
Anyway, a few months later, a guy socialite basically made a few moves on her. And even though my relationship with her was a little rocky, because we used to fight quite a bit (which I think is a guy-girl thing) ; nobody really knew about us. I mean, they knew that we had feelings for each other but no one knew that we were practically in a relationship on the sidelines,without telling anyone. Anyway, this guy assuming that she was single made a few moves on her, which I obviously was not very well with. Adding to which, I was going through a rough patch with family, so stress levels were high and one day we had a huge fight. To someone, that I used to talk for nearly the entire day, not talking to her for a span of 3-4 days would cause some anxiety. And so I freaked.
I didn't know what to do as she just wouldn't answer. So I turned to one of my closest friends who share a similarly close relationship with her and I told her everything about our relationship and that I needed help to communicate to her. She, however, denied any form of relationship that we had shared. And as I kept turning to my closer friends for help, she kept denying any form of intimacy. The word soon spread and there was public confrontation. Since we shared the same group which she had been a longer part off and since there was really no proof of an such relationship, no one actually believed me. There were about 1-2 friends who extended their support on the sidelines but it was pretty clear on a public and "social reputation" level, where I stood after that confrontation.
Its been nearly a year since and I've had a mixture of emotions. At first, anger,humiliation,and literally no one being there; that took a few months of getting over. Oh and soon after that confrontation she went out with the same guy who had made moves on her while we were fighting [as previously mentioned]. Added to which, I used to talk her in that period of time; and she used to say that she felt guilty with all that had happened but she never really did anything to improve even my social situation. I had no friends, no life as such and I didn't like the idea of trying to woo another woman while in my dilapidated emotional and mental condition.
Anyway, like I said its been over a year since. I've also had a relationship in the middle after that incident which didn't last very lost. I haven't any close friends as such since, or any "group". I think I'm definitely over her and I can't wait to graduate and change my surroundings, but its just that I can't seem to thrust myself forward. I know that I should move on with life and I have. I try my best to look at things beyond her reach, but everyday seems to be a waste as I just move on in my thoughts. I plan and I think and I just don't get down to moving on. Which is why I have definitely become somewhat of a loner. I just, I highly doubt if I'm going to feel the same way for anyone else or even trust anyone THAT much. The little efforts that I have made to socialize haven't been fulfilling at all. And I don't know what to do, and I have no clue as to what I want with life. And yes, I have tried quite a handful of the things the internet suggests that one should to do after a break up,which has turned out to be pretty much useless. Although, I am over almost all of it if not all of it, I just can't seem to gather enough self-confidence and self-esteem to actually talk to and try to be near people without feeling inferior, fearful or awkward about it.
I just don't know what to do?
