Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

Okay, I've been living with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. We have an 18 month old and are expecting another in may. However, lately (the past year or so) sex is either non-existant or really boring. I've tried talking about it, but he always gets defensive saying he's tired, or his mind isn't in the right place... he kind of makes me feel like a sex addict, which I'm deff. NOT... I only bring it up because we only have sex once every three weeks or so. And when we do, its over in less than 20 minutes. Ugh.

OK some points... I don't think it's the having kids thing, I'm a stay at home mom and he really has no duties when it comes to our daughter. (hes a GREAT dad, I just mean, I take care of the kids and house etc. he pays the bills)... he does work a lot, so I can see why he says he's tired... but come on, always tired? Also, we are kind of stressed about bills/financials so I also can see why his 'minds not there'... but I'm just as tired and stressed and still want to have sex... why doesn't he? Also, he's 30 and I'm 23 but I don't think he's that old to lose his sex drive? He has no interest in porn, despises toys, and isn't interested in trying anything new... whats a girl to do?

I know I'm attractive, I'm a good girlfriend, a great mom... I just don't get it. I'm really over trying to talk to him about it, because it just ends up in an argument. I'm at the end of my rope. I love him, and want to be with him, but lately I've been doing some serious thinking... I can't live with sex once a month... and ladies out there who can relate to me, you know when I say the situtaion makes me feel absolutley horrible about myself... help! :confused:

The same stress will effect different people in different ways...

He may be going through a mid life crisis and is depressed.

When he tells you he is tired, or his mond is not in the right place, he means it... it probably has very little Or nothing to do with You...
it's probably hard for him to switch off the "work" part of his brain, or the "dad" part of his brain...as you get older, you will understand what i am talking about...

Quote:

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

When he tells you he is tired, or his mond is not in the right place, he means it... it probably has very little Or nothing to do with You...
it's probably hard for him to switch off the "work" part of his brain, or the "dad" part of his brain...as you get older, you will understand what i am talking about...

Yeah, I do know what you mean, like I said I do understand where he's coming from. Its just hard for me to believe that all the time, every time.

However, after reading these answeres and thinking, maybe I'm just being too needy and selfish? The situation does make me feel bad about myself (ie. He doesn't want to because I'm not pretty enough, is he getting it somewhere else? am I not good, blah blah etc.) which is why I get like that.

Maybe I should just go with the flow and maybe things will get better..

Have you talked about setting up a date night, once a week, where you focus on each other, and not the kids, the bills, the job, or the housework?

I know that when my husband and I fell into a funk, that really helped us.

Synnen is right. You guys should get away from the house and all your worries-ideally once a week. Don't talk about kids or problems.

Even if it doesn't lead to sex, it's still a good thing. Men need regular attention and love, just like women. I'm guessing he's not getting enough and with the baby coming looking forward to getting even less.

i totally agree with Synnen, you could make up a date night... things Will get better...

yeah, we have discussed date night... we both agree its what we need, but for some reason it never really happened. I think it's a really good idea, and I'm going to talk to him tonight about making it happen.

also the point of him needing attention--i never looked at it that way. I guess after 4+ years, things can get kind of routine so maybe he needs to be swept off his feet every now and then. I'm deff taking that into consideration.

thanks for the advice guys... alot better than 90% of friends who said "hes cheating" or "just leave"... so I really appreciate it. =)

I understand why you are complaining... my husband doesn't like change in the bedroom or toys. I do think a mans sex drive slows down around 30, but once a month? I'm not trying to alarm you, but I have never met a man who only wants sex once a month. I would definitely be checking things out.

I had another thought about this.

Is your guy taking any medications, even over the counter ones?

I've heard that some guys are nervous about having sex with a pregnant woman. Could this be the case here? The date night is a great idea. Unfortunately for many, babysitters are expensive and an evening out isn't always in the budget. If this is the case for you, one suggestion would be to find another couple to do a trade off with. You watch the kids for them one night while they go out and then they do it for you. Another suggestion, since you say he works a lot and could be quite tired is to set up a date night at home. Since your child is quite young, I'm assuming bedtime is quite early. So set up a picnic on the floor in the living room. If you have a fireplace, even better! If not, buy one of those fireplace dvd's to play. Get some soft music, candles, good food... you're all set! Try to choose things you can hand feed him. ;) Give him a nice massage after dinner. Then see where it all leads. Don't set yourself up to feel disappointed. Meaning he still might not want to have sex that night. He might love just having a romantic evening with no pressure on him. So don't be disappointed if it doesn't come down to sex. Just enjoy the time with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smalltowngal

Then see where it all leads. Don't set yourself up to feel disappointed. Meaning he still might not want to have sex that night. He might love just having a romantic evening with no pressure on him. So don't be disappointed if it doesn't come down to sex. Just enjoy the time with him.

In fact, just to be clear with him. I think you should explicitly say you are not having sex the first time you do this. And stick to that. That will help him relax and not feel like the pressure is waiting to jump out at him.

I also wonder if he is one of those guys with an aversion to pregnancy. But this was going on even before the pregnancy, right?