Ask Me Help Desk - Am I doing the right thing?

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year. We have been engaged for 5 months. She is divorced and had just broken up with her boyfriend when I met her. She says that no one has ever treated her as well as I have or has ever made her feel as special as I have. She has been up and down in our relationship for the last 4 months. She keeps telling me that she is confussed and doesn't know what she wants. She says that her heart has never really healed form her divorce( which had just became final when I met her) and she needs some time for it to heal or she will never be able to give me her whole heart like she wants to. Well after valentines day we had prayed and agreed to fast each other until her heart heals or she figures out that I am not the one she wants to be with. I have agreed to fast with her. We are not going to see each other, talk or text until she figures out what she wants. I love her with all my heart but am I doing the right thing by waiting on her to figure out what she wants? I have no interest in dating anyone else and she has said repeatedly to me that she has no interest in dating or wanting to date anyone. She says that she just wants alone time with God and her daughter. She said that she didn't want to break up but just needed time apart where she is not leaning totally on me and so she can start leaning more on God. I have not felt led to move on but to give her some time to wait. Do you think she is being upfront with me or am I a fool and should have broke up and went on with my life? Not talking to her is very hard and difficult. Let me know what you think

I think it is clear you were a rebound... and, sadly, those types of relationships usually don't last. It would be wise to continue to give each other space, but for you to also prepare yourself to be happy without her every being in your life again.

Since you are praying together ,it is clear you have faith.Use that faith now because love and loving is the biggest leap of faith there is.No guarantees ,ever.

Give her the space she has asked for while letting it be known,it would be unfair to expect you to wait indefinitely.

Sadly, your situation is very similar to my most recent breakup. At first, my ex started expressing that she was afraid things would change between us. She was supposed to move in with me but couldn't go through with it. She said to me "she was confused and didn't know what she wanted" - sound familiar? When I suggested just even seeing her or getting together she was extremely reluctant and declined, stating that she didn't want to be influenced with her decision.

I was the one who ended the relationship - but for her sake so she could figure out what she wanted. She said she loved me and wanted to be with me, but she didn't think it was fair to want to be with me even though she didn't know what exactly she wanted (yeah, didn't make much sense to me either at the time). I had an inkling that she might still have unresolved feelings for her ex as they'd been together for about 3 years.

My advice is to not wait. Respect her decision and let her do what she needs to do and give her space. Focus on improving your life for now and letting her go. Now, I do not wish to give you false hope but I do want to pose you this question. If she did figure out what she wanted and wanted came back to you, wouldn't you want to be the best person you could be for her? By letting her have her space and by focusing on your life - even if she doesn't come back, you still win. You will be mentally prepared to move on and in a better situation than you were before.

KC is absolutely right (had to spread rep first), you have to prepare yourself to be happy without her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

I think it is clear you were a rebound...and, sadly, those types of relationships usually don't last. It would be wise to continue to give each other space, but for you to also prepare yourself to be happy without her every being in your life again.

I wanted to say thank you for your response. After she separated from her EX husband she started dating this other guy and I know that he was a total blanket and rebound for her. That was why I was willing to go out with her. We have took everything pretty slow and never bothered to set a date for a wedding. I even asked her before to make sure that I wasn't a rebound. Her ex had really messed her up and her sisters would tear me down some because they got jealous of the things I would do for her and there boyfriends wouldn't do the same for them. Thanks again for your response

Quote:

She said that she didn't want to break up but just needed time apart where she is not leaning totally on me

Giver her what she asked for, and live your life without her. No one knows what the future holds, but you have agreed to the terms. There are other things in life to do besides wait and see how a relationship turns out. Identify them, and do them.

You should have agreed to a time limit for this limbo from the start. That would have made things much clearer between you.