I messed up but will my ex girlfriend ever get back with me if the love still exists?
My girlfriend and I had been a loving couple for 5 years. We had our arguments here and there like all couples but we had a genuine love, and it was amazing! Her parents loved me and we had lots of friends in common, it was perfect! We are both 29 now, I was her first love and she loved me a LOT and so did I. We ended up living together for slightly over 1 year (the last year) and then we broke up. I started figuring that since we were together for so long that I really needed to start considering whether to commit myself and to get engaged, etc. The truth is that at the time I was a bit stressed over that situation, and I also had doubts about whether she was "the one" . Thus, I was seeking perfection in her, a mistake, I always believed somewhere that there was a perfect woman out there, but now I know that it doesn't exist. So, in the last weeks of our being together felt the urge to go and explore other women, and I had some possibilities readily available so I followed my male instincts and went for it. I was sure of myself at the time and since my mind was set even before we moved out, I did see another girl, and technically cheated on my girlfriend. I never admitted it to her until recently (a year later) but I know that she already knew and she confronted me about it at the time but I lied and denied it because I didn't want to cause any upsets. The other girl of course meant nothing at all to me.
I feel like I was the one who initiated the separation (basically a divorce) , but it ended up being that we both came to a common decision that we had to move on and see what would be best for us, this is what she told me too.
Our separation/move-out went smooth , I helped her move into her new studio, and we remained friends together and still said we loved each other for a short while after. I was always the one to contact her and we went out on an occasional lunch a couple of times. But she never contacted me , I always was the one keeping in contact with her about once every 2 weeks or so. This went on for about 5 months.
Then one day, I called her and she changed her phone number! I wrote her emails but she never responded. She clearly decided to go no contact on me and in one message she actually replied to she said that "I need to move on, and if you keep on contacting me I can't move on". She also said that it feels that she's still with me because I kept on contacting her.
Truthfully, at this point I realized that I was going to lose her and I wanted her back. I know that it's messed up , big time, and that it's not fair. This is probably what I deserve, and karma is a b*%$. All I do know is that we had such a genuine love together, I always loved her, and I thought that she would to.
The more she avoided me, the more I became desperate to get her back. I always knew, and realize that she was "the one", and that we could have a beautiful life together. She agreed to meet up with me one day and I told her everything, that I love her, I told her I know I was wrong, etc. She is a very smart and strong woman and I never expected her to just say "yes, I want you too". I knew that the answer would be "no" , but I had to tell her my feelings. I also admitted to her that I did cheat on her towards the end after we knew we were moving out anyway, I thought that she would appreciate my courage in telling her the truth.
In short, when we separated I was fine, I had girls around me, had a good time, etc. She on the other hand was hurt and I broke her heart. Today, I am the one that is hurting like never before (karma) and she tells me that she is fine, but I believe that she still hurts too. She clearly has a lot of anger towards me! Asked who I thought I was to think that she would just wait around for me until I decided the time was right. She is right, but I do feel that this time was necessary for me to become sure of myself and my commitment for marriage. She says that every time she sees me she is angry and that she doesn't need that, and she's right. She tells me that she has "moved on" and that she has a boyfriend now. I must say however that , I know her so so well, I have a strong feeling that she is lying when she says this. I think that she does still love me inside, and she is upset of the fact that she is unable to move on. I think this because I even saw a tear in her eye when I expressed my feelings to her. But she is angry for sure, and does not want to talk to me or see me, she wants to move on. In the last letter I wrote her about how much I respect her and therefore I will give her the space she needs and that this is my last letter to her. I also said that I know that I hurt her and I strongly regret it, and that the only reason why I contacted her is because I know that I am a more mature and better person today and am confident that we can live happily ever after. Then I wrote , if she ever comes to realize the same thing I have (that we were meant to be) all she needs to do is let me know, in the meantime I will be waiting/hoping, and I wish her the best, respectfully.
I know that during our years together we shared amazing love, great times, and something I doubt either of us will ever experience again.
She knows that I am serious now, that I'm sure of myself and that I want to be engaged and get married, have kids, everything! I didn't get on my knees and propose because I knew that it would be a "no" at that point.
I messed up badly.I have never felt a broken heart before and have been hurting badly for the past few months. For the first time in the year that we have been separated I feel committed to my decision of leaving her alone and giving her the space she needs, and I will ( I have no choice after all). I just hope that the day will come , however long it may take for us to get back together. Does anyone think that this a possibility if we both still have love inside for each other? Will she ever reach the point of understanding what I went through and that I did see another girl that meant nothing?