Ask Me Help Desk - Have I done the right thing?

I haven't posted before but I want some advice and don't know who else to turn to. Its quite a long story but I'll try to condense it.

I started university in September and soon after met a girl on my course, ill call her Alice. We met through mutual friends on the course, at first she didn't seem to like me much, but after a bad night out, where she was almost hit with a bottle which I blocked, I walked her home, it was raining and I gave her my jacket. We spoke for a while and found we actually had a lot in common. We got together shortly after that, I have never been good at the relationship thing and after some prompting from my flat mates asked her out. However after this I had to go home for a week, and I received a message saying she had some stuff going on and just wanted to be friends. I was quite bummed but did my best to just be friends with her.

We got together another few times after that and we used to go out and dance, like a couple. Whenever she had a problem she would come to me. But she always said we were just friends. My flat mates began to say she was taking advantage of me but I didn't listen. The more time I spent with her the more I wanted to be with her. This continued for a long time till recently I came out of a club to see her with another guy. I don't know how to describe what I felt except as a kind of ache and nausea, and I couldn't sleep that night.

I decided from then I couldn't see her anymore, I told her I couldn't see her since it was hurting me and since then I've ignored all her calls and messages, my flat mates turn her away when she comes to the door. Since then I've been miserable, I miss talking to her and hearing her voice, she texts me saying she's sorry and saying she feels like she's lost her best friend, that what I'm doing isn't fair.

I suppose what I want to know is if I've done what's right or not? I miss her so much but at the same time I know if I go back to her It'll just happen again. Any advice/ judgements welcome

Well, long story short, there is no "right or wrong here." You did what you had to do.

In your perspective, she was your girlfriend. You cared for her, you spent time with her, and you liked her. Now that you saw her with another guy and realized that she doesn't have the same feelings you do, you feel hurt. It's natural.

Your flatmates were right in telling you that this girl was "taking advantage" of you. Granted, I don't think she did it intentionally to hurt your feelings, she probably did this because she always knew she could count on you.

Right now, you have to get over her, and pretty much get on with your life until you no longer harbor the same feelings for her.

She apologizes, but really, what is going to change? Is she going to restrict herself for you and you only? Not likely. Is she all of a sudden going to start having feelings for you as you have feelings for her? Again, not likely.

Right now, if you do go back to talking to her, like you said, nothing will change. Your feelings will continue for her, and she will continue with her life.

If you want, talk to her and tell her that you just need some time off, but really, do what's in your best interest.

To be honest the girl was upfront with you about only wanting to be friends and by the sounds of it she never lead you on. As for taking advantage of you I guess friends will always be a little guilty of that at times. You have to do what you have to do if you are going to get through this but remember you could lose a good friendship over. In my opinion you are treating this girl like she has done something wrong and it seems pretty unfair on her.

Had you realized her feelings didn't match yours from the time she told you, then maybe you would have acted differently.

I think to tell her honestly you were hoping for more than friendship, and now need some time, will at least get you back on a level that you can heal, and see what comes next.

She told you upfront, what her intentions were, and the rest was false hope on your part.

Thank you for your advice all of you. She may have been upfront with me with what she said, but she still kissed me afterwards and acted in a completely different way.

From your responses though I have called her and told her I will always be her friend, but for now I need some space till I can get this all out of my system.

Thanks for the advice

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonely scholar

Thank you for your advice all of you. She may have been upfront with me with what she said, but she still kissed me afterwards and acted in a completely different way.

From your responses though I have called her and told her I will always be her friend, but for now I need some space till I can get this all out of my system.

thanks for the advice

That is the best thing to do.
Next time you want to know what a young lady is thinking, try asking her and not listening to your friends. She told you up front what she was about.
I have learned from listening to young people they kiss and get intimate ( friends with benefits) and it means nothing. Both parties need to have an understanding about what kisses mean. But it seems as though you have made a wise choice.