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He's 17 and has been raised by his divorced mom. Grades are good, he works part time and shows no overt behavioral problems... EXCCEPT... mom caught him smoking weed. She's had the usual talks with him, has imposed a curfew and he is no longer allowed to use the car (as much for safety reasons as, as a consequence) but he states that he does not want to quit smoking and will not participate in counseling. Advice please.
When he's 18 show him the door provided he's not been to jail first.
Well, then why not call the police when you know he has pot in his possession and see how he likes staying in jail versus your home?
I didn't deserve the reddie either.
I was giving you MY opinion. There aren't a whole lot of options for pot seeing as he is going to smoke it regardless of what you do. Also counseling is basically a joke. Counseling for what? I don't know. Maybe bad parents. Maybe bad friends he hangs out with. You should be grateful he hasn't graduated to meth use. There are more treatment programs for that than there is for pot.
He's going to get pot from his friends. The only way to curtail his smoking pot is to deny him any money. But then, he'll just steal your things and hocking them at the local pawn shop or just out and out trading the stuff for the pot.
Either way, you are the one who failed him and you're asking us what to do? I told you what to do. Show him the door when he's 18. What's so hard about that? Or just let him smoke pot and deal with the consequences. He's going to do this regardless of what you say or do. He's already made his mind up and you can't change him short of locking him in his room and throwing the key away.
You can't give someone something they don't want. He does not want to stop smoking pot. He does not want counseling. He has more behavioral problems than you are admitting. He HAS bad friends who are extremely influential. He needs to change his friends now before he graduates to bigger and better stuff like meth or crack. Why don't you sit down and talk to him more on a regular basis. He obviously has no adult he talks with so what does he do - he talks to his friends and smokes pot.
Well Kahn - What do YOU think she should do? Just giving me a reddie that you disagree with my answer is meaningless. What do you have to contribute? Don't see you adding anything to this. The parent DID fail the child in that he sought the approval of his peers. The poster is in the military if you'd care to look at other posts of theirs and she has a 3 year old as well. It seems that a lot of children of military parents have problems with drugs and discipline. Nothing new there.
The kid didn't made "bad choices" his friends made the choices for him and he just went along. The parent did fail the child in that he sought approval elsewhere. It just didn't happen overnight either.
And no, my answer was clearly not rude. It was probably more truthful.
Mom and cuddle and pamper and he wlll start telling her what he will and won't do.
If my chid said no he was not, I would drug test him every week, ground him if he tested positive and look into a boot camp to send him to if he keep doing it
Chuck - Mom doesn't want to hear any realities out of us here. She's stuck in the lala land of unreality it seems. I said boot him out at age 18. She said mom won't give up. You suggest boot camp. I'm sure she'll come back with Oh that's too harsh or something along those lines.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
She's expecting us to fix the problem she created over a period of years due to noncommunication with her son.
Ha ha, I got an agree, it is that nun icon, gets them every time.
I can say from experience I was there, been there and done that.
And to be honest mine ended up a junkie, using and selling drugs, and has been in prison for some time now.
Chuck - you're sneeky LOL! Love it. Betcha she won't do it. I got the feeling that momma's little darling can do no wrong. Well, that's what she gets for the lack of communication and bad friends on her son's part. Hope she does better with the 3 year old she said she has in a different post. I think she's forgotten just who the parent is here. Sad.
First of all, there aree some incorrect assumptions here. The posts refer to two different families... neither of theem mine... I'm way too old to havekids that are still at home!
Military mom is divorced and doing the best she can in a tough world and tough economy. I work with her professionally. Deploying is not her first choice but the military put her through school and is providing her with the skills and credentials she needs to support her son now and later. She feels an obligation to honor her contract and serve as promised. I did receive some helpful replies to that post and do appreciate them.
The mom with the teenage son is a friend. She is also divorceda and must have done something right. Her son has maintained great grades, worked all through high school and there has never been a major problem before. He'll be leaving for college in the fall and will be paying for it with moey he's saved, scholarships and some student loans. None of it is coming from mom. She actually did briefly consider having him leave the home but wanted to try other options before he leaves and she really does lose her access and influence over him.
As to the rating to Twinkies reply... I am new to this site and thought I was supposed to give my honest opinion regarding the usefulness of the reply. I will be more careful in the future? But since this has turtned into a full fledged discussion and Twinkie has had the chance to speak her peace, I willo do the same. I found her answer to be judgemental, negative and unhelpful. The assumptions she made about the parenting habits of both moms were incorrect and not based on any information in the original question. She certasinly showed an intolerance for a wide rangge of people and things including military families, second chances for teenager who stumble and counseling.
I cam to this forum thinking that I would find friendly, helpful exchanges, give and take and a great variety of ideas. That's not what I found. But since others have been her over the long haul it is their right to set the tone
Has mom attempted to take away other privileges besides the car? No going out after school. Mom drives him to work and picks him up. No weekend adventures, etc?Quote:
Originally Posted by misplaced 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by misplaced 2
Next time if you wish to post a question for discussion and/or help, kindly inform us that you are a friend of the family.
If he has all that money supposedly saved up for college he obviously is dipping into it to purchase drugs. Once he's on his own at college he's going to dip more and more into his "fund".
I'm not judgmental - I'm realistic. You are certainly not realistic. I know many military families who have children that are worse than unruly and unmanageagle and this kid fits the mold. An admiral friend of mine has a son who he's literally disowned due to his behavior. I could go on and on. It does seem that when a child's parent(s) are in the military they are either really good kids or just the opposite.
I don't think the 17 year old is going to change in any big hurry. Sorry. Once he's tasted drugs and decided he's the parent and not his mother, there is hardly a turning back in reversing the roles. The situation went on too long. Once he's on his own at college without mom he's going to party, party and party some more. Most colleges are nothing but a 4 year nonstop party and I'm certain he's not going to be able to resist peer pressure to participate.
In your original post you put "Advice please". Well I gave you my advice and apparently you didn't like it.
May I suggest that the mom's of these children come on here themselves and ask their questions versus going second hand through you? This way they will be able to tell us first hand just what they did and didn't do without you guessing for them.
WELL HERE IS MY OPINION WHICH I KNOW EVERYONE IS GOING TO HATE...
If his grades stay up and he goes to school everyday and is overall a good kid. JUst stop bugging him about it. Let him know the consequences of getting caught with weed... depending on your state it's usually just a possession ticket. But you can scare him saying that more stuff will happen like prison and such and just let him know it not allowed in your house and if you notice him walking around your home all high your just going to make stay outside until he's not high.
If you keep pestering him about it he's just going to rebel and do more drugs and smoke more weed. He'll start lying to you and keeping secrets. He's getting kind of old now. Let him make his own mistakes.
Read a little bit about weed. Get to know the drug your dealing with. Talk to him about it in a non offensive way. Just ask why he does it... he'll probably just say it's relaxing. Being a teenager is hard.
Weed is not that expensive. I couldn't imagine someone like him spending more than $60 a week on it.Quote:
Originally Posted by twinkiedooter
Don't know where you get the $60 a week figure but I happen to know that it costs much more than $60 an ounce for some "good" stuff. And when you take $60 a week times 4 weeks to a month that's $240 (or more)! That's some serious money if you ask me for a 17 year old to just "blow" every month. AND don't forget that more than likely he also buys dope for his friends to smoke with him when they are together. Most pot heads like to smoke with other people around to laugh, and eat munchies and listen to music. Being high when you're 17 is much more fun with other people around.Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissymarie
Like I said originally, he's not going to stop. It's not physically addicting, but mentally addicting and the younger you start your pot adventure, the harder it is to do without. And for some people doing without can be a big deal. There was a poster on here not too long ago that said he's been smoking pot for 20 years and would like to quit because of his child. Twenty years is a long time indeed. Twenty years and not know what reality is anymore is rather sad. It's easy to just keep smoking dope and not deal with reality. It's a very easy cop out for some people.
No, I'm not disagreeing with you Chrissy, I'm just taking your answer to a higher level, that's all.
misplaced 2 agrees: I think it's full of wisdom... that'll probably get me more heat than I've already taken!
You are a hypocrite. I said basically the SAME THING on my second answer to you, and now you're just coming around? Geesh.
Twinkiedooter: I guess I'll have to educate you on potheads. This answer is coming from me who is considered a "pothead" myself.
There are 2 different kinds of pot smokers. The lazy ones who have no ambition in life and need to get high to take their mind off the fact they are a "loser" at life and then there's the kind of pot smoker like myself and my father and most of my friends... We smoke before we eat, before we go to a movie, after work to wind down, before bed, when socializing with other "potheads", and basically whenever there's some free time to waste. Lots of people who smoke weed are professional smart people who live HEALTHY happy lives. By the way the OP describes this young man it is clear that he is one of those people.
An ounce of weed generally runs $80-$120. No body I know smokes an ounce a week especially if their sharing with their friends. Every weed smoker knows if someone invites you over to smoke you got to bring some weed or some money with you or some sort of food. So genereally an ounce will last you about 2 weeks if you smoke heavily in those 2 weeks. I seriously doubt were dealing with a heavy pot smoker if his grades stay up and he's a relatively good kid. So at the most he spends $50 a week on weed, that another teenage kid might use at a arcade, or on junk food, or on clothes, etc etc. "potheads" like myself and probably this young man use their "extra" money to buy pot. No one I know spends their last dollar on weed. And I'm sure her son wouldn't. I'm sure if his funds started getting low because of weed he'd either quit for a while, mooch off his other pothead friends or find a way to make more money.
twinkiedooter, your making potheads seem like crackheads and probably making the OP mad because she knows for a fact this young man is a good person and headed down a successful path but just confused because he's doing a "drug"... (Drug is in qoutes because any pot smoker will tell you weed is definitely not a drug... but society has labeled it that way so that's what I must call it.) So basically I'm saying if your not a pothead don't try to explain how potheads are.
Pot is neither mentally or physically addicting. It's a conveinince and a release from stress to the successful potheads which I described above. But you are right about one thing. He's not going to stop because smoking pot has never affected his life in anyway outside of his quardians punishing him. So why would he stop when he doesn't feel like anything is wrong with it. The OP just needs to decide whether were dealing with a positive person headed down a path to success or someone who is depressed and looking for a fix.
Pot doesn't take you out of reality it softens the edge. That's all. Usually when you high on pot you think more about reality and analyze it closer. You get a chance to just sit and think and pick your brain apart.
OP if you have any further questions about weed your welcome to ask me. But taking advice from someone twinkiedooter who has a completely one sided opinion about weed and is not a pot smoker themselves is probably not a good idea. Twinkiedooter is being judgemental and needs to get to know the facts about weed.
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